Through the odds [MJS (Mockingjay)]
Aug 21, 2012 12:49:29 GMT -5
Post by Nighty the foamy squirrel on Aug 21, 2012 12:49:29 GMT -5
I try to think happy, as I always do, cause that's just me, miss positive. Always seeing the brighter side in things. Gah, curse myself, that's all I do, act bubbly then someone get's hurt and everything wrong in the world is my fault... What is wrong with me? All I am doing is walking down a path leading back to my house and I am already thinking negatively. Just looking around the area covered in farms and the odd house from time to time and I still can't think happy any more. I let out one of my weakened sighs. Hey, at least I'm not in 12 or 11. No.. But cousin was, god damn rebellion moving our grandparents, I wonder how he is. As I always do. He is probably starving. And can't help, GOD DAMN IT WHY AM I SO USELESS?! I could never help anyone. Let alone myself So why did I try? I was a failure. Just a complete failure that no one should bother with. I come close to the farm next to my house and sit on the mud path. Damn it all to hell.
I pick at the small amount of dirt at my feet, just letting my body hang in it's seat, maybe if I just vanished. Or died? Or something. I have no friends, and only my daddy who has just fallen ill, it was just a cold I hope. Though without him I have nothing. I put my hand my neck hole of my run down top and pull out the necklace, gripping it tightly as a tear falls from my cheek and it lands in the dirt, making a dirty but small puddle as I look behind me, my eyes watering as I grip necklace tighter. It was a well looked after farm, better than my house. The wood actually looked well looked after and the buildings look safe, and the horse that was being looked around looked fascinating. A sudden bought of depression hits me though. I will never have a house like that, or a farm, or an animal... As more tears begin to fall I turn back to the dirt, probably where I belonged, maybe I should be reaped. Give the career people some joy whilst they kill my pathetic existence. Give me some purpose.
More tears stream down my face, leaving marks as they go. Listen to me. I am a 12 year old who is thinking like this. Does that mean I will get worse with age? I want to be like my old self, always happy, never seeing danger and just basically being naive. Of course I can't be though. Life is too hard for that now. I have to help on the farm more, I can't go near the fence. And I have no friends, what was the point in me? Where was my purpose? Just to be a farmer all my life? I don't want to be just that farmer girl that lives next to an amazing farm. I want to be friends, I want to be known. Though the odds of that happening where low. A bigger puddle begins to form where I am crying, eventually bringing my knees to my chest and just crying into them. I'm useless. Someone should just kill me now.
I pick at the small amount of dirt at my feet, just letting my body hang in it's seat, maybe if I just vanished. Or died? Or something. I have no friends, and only my daddy who has just fallen ill, it was just a cold I hope. Though without him I have nothing. I put my hand my neck hole of my run down top and pull out the necklace, gripping it tightly as a tear falls from my cheek and it lands in the dirt, making a dirty but small puddle as I look behind me, my eyes watering as I grip necklace tighter. It was a well looked after farm, better than my house. The wood actually looked well looked after and the buildings look safe, and the horse that was being looked around looked fascinating. A sudden bought of depression hits me though. I will never have a house like that, or a farm, or an animal... As more tears begin to fall I turn back to the dirt, probably where I belonged, maybe I should be reaped. Give the career people some joy whilst they kill my pathetic existence. Give me some purpose.
More tears stream down my face, leaving marks as they go. Listen to me. I am a 12 year old who is thinking like this. Does that mean I will get worse with age? I want to be like my old self, always happy, never seeing danger and just basically being naive. Of course I can't be though. Life is too hard for that now. I have to help on the farm more, I can't go near the fence. And I have no friends, what was the point in me? Where was my purpose? Just to be a farmer all my life? I don't want to be just that farmer girl that lives next to an amazing farm. I want to be friends, I want to be known. Though the odds of that happening where low. A bigger puddle begins to form where I am crying, eventually bringing my knees to my chest and just crying into them. I'm useless. Someone should just kill me now.