Fear, Through the Eyes of Madness [Ele]
Mar 1, 2012 16:05:58 GMT -5
Post by wimdy on Mar 1, 2012 16:05:58 GMT -5
Faint white figures paint my sleep.
Please don't tell my secrets... Keep the hidden.
Please don't tell my secrets... Keep the hidden.
Fear. All I know is fear. In my room, I'm in a safety bubble of self-confinement. I close myself off from the world beyond my doors and refuse to assimilate to their ways. I can't. I've got so little of my left now that I can't afford to let myself go anymore. It's bad enough trying to hold on to my sanity when the night falls and tempting whispers of the past swirl in my head. My safety bubble is a cage, but it is the lesser of two evils. I try not to face the greater of the two at any cost. However, there are times when it cannot be helped.
Like now.
"I don't want this! I don't want this! Let me go, please just let me go!" I scream, thrashing as I'm pulled mercilessly through the bleak hallways. My bare feet have got friction burns from my attempted resistance, but it seems it's doing nothing to deter the brutes dragging me down the hall. I jerk my arms harshly and throw my weight backwards, crashing into a wall with a quiet thump. My throat lets loose an involuntary groan at the collision before I'm being hauled away from the wall and back down the corridor. My body aches all over as I'm jerked left and right and pulled forward sharply as my body tries to wriggle away from the prying hands again.
I'm a mess. I can't see myself, but I know it. My hair is wild and my face is streaked with tears. I'm in a baggy old grey sweater that hangs like a giant sack over my frail frame and a pair of grey sweatpants. I haven't eaten for fifteen days and it has definitely taken a toll on my strength. I have none. Sleep has evaded my grasp for four nights straight, my mind pausing in the haze of confusion between waking and dreams. On those nights, I listen to the voices of my parents from another room, desperate to wake up and see them but knowing they won't be there. They're never there anymore. They always hide just out of sight.
A door opens down the corridor and I'm quickly ushered into a waiting room and away from the curious stares of the outside world of District 13. I continue to hear the whispers even after the door is shut and I'm lead to a chair. The hands holding my wrists are gone and I immediately act upon the rush of freedom, scrambling away from the two men and stumbling over a chair to huddle in the corner of the small room. Their sympathetic eyes are trained on me as I collapse against the wall, eyes wide and breathing labored as I try to keep myself upright. It's a hopeless cause and before I know it I'm toppled over on my hands and knees as my body continues to quake with panicked tremors. My stomach turns and I dry heave the nothingness my body has to regurgitate. A whimper trembles past my lips as I try to fight off a second wave of fruitless purging.
Everyday, I wish I hadn't come to this. I wish I was still that little girl I see in a dream, laughing and playing and free. If only that girl still existed, then maybe everything would be okay. But she isn't and it's not. I'm trapped by my own walls, boxed in by my hysteria, and secluded in my own self-delusions. I can't walk through the halls without feeling my skin crawl in revulsion that I'm still able to do such a simple action. I can't eat without becoming sick at the thought of my mother and brother dying in an ambush I survived. I can't do anything without collapsing in on myself and blocking the world out. I struggle to get out of bed daily to walk the seven steps to the shower, the six steps to the wardrobe, and the four steps back to my bed. Everything is a fight and I'm simply running out of the energy needed to continue. I'm afraid of the day I'll wake up and not be able to make those steps. Maybe that day will be soon.
In a pain that buckles out your knees,
Could you stop this if I plead?
[/i][/color][/center]Could you stop this if I plead?
Lyrics: Blood Red Summer by Coheed and Cambria[/size]