New life (Semper)

What I feel right now cannot be put in words. It's somewhere in between being overwhelmed by joy for the new life in my home and sadness for the loss of my love, who will never be with me or should I say us again, responsibility, love, fear, worries and endless happiness. While I still catch my breath and wipe the back of my hand over my sweaty brown I look down at the tiny rosy cheeks, little noses and cute mouths. The rest is covered in blankets that must be way too warm today in our district. Maybe the weather in the capitol was colder.

The door flies open scaring the living daylights out of me. Some peace keeper is coming to tear away my children. I'm at my feet within a split second, balling my fist and ready to do anything to defend them when I notice who just entered without knocking. "Devroux!" I shout almost angrily because he startled me so much but then step forward and pull him into a hug.
"Look at them, just look at them. Aren't they amazing?"
With sparkling eyes I turn back to see one of the twins open his or her eyes a little. They search around and I'm not sure whether they actually see me or anybody else. So i step closer and lean in whispering softly. "hey..." Then I'm at a loss of words and my hands start shaking. What do I say. 'Hi, I'm your dad? Sorry, mom's not here.' My chest is stinging at the thought alone but I remind myself that this is a happy moment. A very happy one.
The eyes have found me and seem to study me, then they close again and the little hand finds it's way into the baby's mouth.
"He's sucking his thumb." I whisper mezmerized.

I reach out two shaky hands to take the little guy out of the basinet but then pull them back because I'm afraid I will hurt him. Never in my life have I held a baby before. Right now I long to hold them near my heart, pull them to my chest and make them feel that they're wanted. Not just some thing that somebody strange stuck in a basinet.

With great insecurity I look at my mother but she only smiles and nods at me.
So I reach out again, make soft contact with the small cheek and the babies lips start searching for my fingers, which confuses me. Does he want to suck my fingers?

Finally I pull myself together and reach under the blanket and around the small ribcage. Then I gently lift the small being out from underneath the white wool and bring him to my chest. At least I think it's him.
Immediatley I feel his warmth on my chest, his weight and his heart beat. He fits there perfectly, as if he's never been anywhere else. With my hand protectively over his back I lean against the back of the big old armchair and feel my son on me closing my eyes for a moment.
Without any further doing or words the bond is made.

As I sit and hold my baby I can feel his small chest rise and fall. Suddenly he moves a little and I freeze as if it wasn't to be expected. I look around for help. My first glance goes to my mother, who simply smiles at me with morer love than I've seen in her eyes for a long time.
I can even see a tear glistening in the corner of her eye while she watches us. "You're doing just fine, Jack."

She then gets up and reaches for the other baby to take her to her chest. Her moves are a lot more natural, she's got the routine from bringing up four boys of her own. This moment must be hard for her though considering that two of her sons are dead and will never have own children.
She holds the girl to her chest and places a soft kiss on her cheek.
"What are their names?" My father equires as he watches with eyes filled with pride.
For a moment I have to think and then repeat the names that Nonnie and I picked before they were born. "Joshua and Briar"

Out of the corner of my eye I see Devroux. of course he never talks but usually he still interacts. Not this time though and when I actually turn my head to see him he has some trouble putting a smile on his face. It's not that hard to guess why. My friend has a son of his own that he had been searching for but never found. Seeing me with mine had to be tough.
I offer him a smile and nod. "I understand."
I'm not sure how I can make him feel better because there's nothing I can do about his situation.
Insecure I offer. "Would you like to hold him?"
Suddenly the little man starts crying. It's a tiny little cry, barely audible and sounds almost like a little kitten, but it's enough to make my heart race and every muslce in my body tense. "Shhhh, everything"s okay, shhhh." I try to soothe him and run my thumb over the fluffy dark hair on his head.
"What's wrong, little man? Are you hungry?"
Oh goodness, what if he is. I'm lacking certain body part to fulfill his needs. My eyes widen in horror as I search for help.
"What do we feed them?"

My sons cries make me incredibly antsy. I need to do something to help him, make him stop crying but I'm at a loss.

Devroux, who a moment ago was trying to back away and was trying to hide his stump is now jumping into action while I rock Josh with frantic eyes. Briar now joins her brother. Obviously they are a little more lively that I first thought.

By the time Dev comes back from the kitchen with a plate full of tiny slice of apple I'm nerve wrecked.
My mother sees what he brought and shakes her head.
"They are premature and not even due yet. They can't eat apples, boys!" For some unknown reason she laughs out loud. I actually thought the idea was great and nevertheless pick up one of the slice and hold it out to my boy, who has no idea what to do with it but is searching blindly for a tit filled with milk, which I simply can't povide. Instead his tiny limps touch my shirt and the skin on my upper chest, that;s not covered by the button down shirt, that I put on for the special occassion.
"He doesn't know what to do with it." I complain over the howling of the baby.

From the kitchen my mother hollers. "Hang on. Sooth them."

Finally she returns with a small plastic bag filled with milk, that she poked a hole into and is hodling close until she gets it near Briars mouth. The baby isn't sure what to do with it for a moment but then gets a drop of milk on her lips and searches for more. Way too much spills out of the bag over her cheeks and shirt but I guess some went into her belly as well as she stops crying.

Then it's Josh's turn. I nuzzle his head while my mother feeds him and am endlessly thankful for her help. "Thank goodness you know what your doing."
The plate with sliced apples goes back to Devroux after I take one for myself. "Apple, Dev? really?" I snort.

His growling and his face assure me of my suspicion. Instead of being happy for me the babies make him long for his own son..at least that's what I assume by knowing what I do about him. So I choose to ignore him and enjoy the moment. The two tiny ones suck the milk back like there's no tomorrow and then look at me. Their eyes don't stay focussed very long. Gently I run my hand over Briar's cheek and smile down at my baby girl. "You're so cute. Incredible." Looking up at my mother I ask. "It's a miracle, isn't it? That they survived, I mean. They look healthy. Probably because of the technology they have in the capitol." I have never told my parents about the disaster when my leg almost got hacked off by an over eager career in the forests of district 7 and how they patched me up on that peace keeper train. In less than a day my broken leg was healed and the other one, wasn't lost as the doctor in 7 had predicted. Allt hanks to capitol technology.
I take in every tiny detail of my daughters face. The tiny nose, cute lips, her eye lashes and soft hair on top of her head. "Have I ever been this small?"
My mother smiles and nods. "Almost." Then she ruffles my hair. "Hard to believe when I look at you long beansprout." Obviously she's full of joy because she hasn't done this in ages.
She places Josh back in his crib and hugs my dad.
"It's a very good day today." His voice is firm and happy.

Later that day I find Devroux outside, sulking like a little child. It's more than understandable though. So I quietly sit down next to him for a while and try to just be there for my friend. I look out across the street. on the other side behind a field the sun is setting and the night air is quite chilly so I cross my arms in front of my chest to keep my body warmth. Without a word I place a booklet and pencil next to him on the porch.
"It's you son, isn't it? You can't be happy because you don't have Colton." I swallow. This must be so hard for him. "I'm really sorry, Dev."