I'm a King and You're a Lionheart. /South
May 18, 2012 1:05:03 GMT -5
Post by gamemaker kelsier on May 18, 2012 1:05:03 GMT -5
Talking
Doing
Deep thought
Hearing
In his mind place
When thoughts of morality and human emotion begin to creep up, I find that it's best to go for a, shall we call it, a jaunt. Never before however, has it crept up so smooth and clean. I know myself to be an unfeeling bastard, and that's what they all know me to be too, they don't expect anything more from me. I don't give them more either. I don't understand, I suppose, what it is to be human, they've told me I'm a robot. I've agreed readily for so many years, never feeling regret at the clicking sound of my gun as I've pulled the trigger time and time again. I've never seen the problem in words I've said, even if sometimes the things I've spoken out loud gain dirty looks. If dirty looks and words are meant to be bullets, I'm full of holes that have healed perfectly. No, the words of others have never hurt me.[/color][/size]
But.
I've never had these people before. They follow me, I don't know why, they come around with me to houses, and down dark streets. They have my back, and it's not just Lestrade or stupid Miss Donavon. Legs, and Vests, they come with me. Once when I was talking to a woman, Vests looked at me sharply and told me I was being rude. No one has ever said that before. Oh of course they've told me to shut it, or to keep my bloody mouth shut. They've told me that I'm a heartless bastard. I'm used to all that. If that was what Vests said to me, I wouldn't be thinking of it now. But, he told me it was wrong. No one has ever said that to me before either. I've come to find that having a flat mate is more difficult than first assumed.
On this particular evening, I leave the flat quickly, grabbing my coat while Vests is in the shower and singing about carrying on or something. Maybe I'll drown him out later with my violin if he carries on. I'm not sure where I'm going exactly, I just know it's out. There's not a lot to do, I just finished a case, I'm bored. BORED. BORED. BORED. But the night calls and I can feel a rush of air against my skin when I pull the door open. My feet are hitting pavement in seconds, and my hands are slipping into my pockets to see what might be in there. A screwdriver, two shape silly bands shaped like a banana and a cat, some jammy dodgers, a carton of cigarettes, and at least fifty dollars in change. I want to go to another District and disappear for a while, until this strange mood lifts like it's certain to. I don't know how he's squirming in, but he just is. It reminds me of another time I felt for a few precious moments, about a cat that wondered by the window. Now it's just a fairy tale, all those thoughts. Maybe I'm a storybook.
Once upon time, there was a boy.
I lift up a foot and place it down again on cold cement. I know it's cold because I always know things. Even if there was sun today warming the pavement, it seems to have gone down hours ago, and now the pavement is cold. District One has nice pavements. not as nice as the Capitol of course, but better still than the others. I feel different. I feel. It's been creeping up on me slowly, but I don't know if it is welcome or not, this new found feeling of feeling. So I'll go away to another District and quell the feeling of feeling down until it's lost again. Then maybe I'll go find a nice old heart to dissect or a mind to assemble. It'd be nice to get away from those people that I see more and more of everyday now. They've all got these emotions that don't only show in their lips but also in their eyes and noses. Like emotion and feeling is taking them over so physically that suddenly they aren't a mind, but an emotion. It's not my job to be an emotion, but it is to be a mind. If there is one thing that troubles me however, it's the fact that understanding the action spurred on by the emotion is far less difficult for me than understanding the emotion all together.
Once upon a time there was a boy who became a man.
I think back to my father for a moment and how I barely knew the man, as he barely knew me. I wonder if it ever mattered. As I wonder I remind myself that I don't care. Caring, it's not something I do. I repeat it in my head like a mantra as my mind brings me to another point in my timeline. (Pointless memories, I don't understand why I think about them.) Still I never really did care for the way he'd pull me out of bed at all hours to yell at me. His face would go red like a tomato, and my brother would burn red in shame and look down. He'd get mad that I'd simply stand there in annoyance looking at him, as he yelled at me. Sometimes he'd throw an arm out and it'd hit me across the face. It'd hurt, I think. I don't remember if it did, or not. I only know that I'd simply wait for him to stop and then 'd go back up to bed.
Once upon a time there was a boy who became a man to make his father proud.
The night is chilly, and so I pull my coat closer against me, and stop to light a cigarette. The end catches and burns even as I shield it against the spring breeze with one hand, and the match slips through long fingers to the ground like it's someone else's. Maybe nights like these are healthy. I wonder what my brother is doing right now, something I haven't wondered about in a long time. I haven't seen him in years. I know he keeps tabs on me. Lestrade, for all his worth is terrible at keeping secrets. I suspect that he and my brother have a healthy relationship. Mrs. Hudson I know to be clean however, as she has come to love me as a son for some odd reason or another. Still I wonder what he is dong right now, and if he's put on weight again. He has a job in the government, sources say that he is the government. I suppose that my mother and father still work for the President as well, that they are still his favourite pets.
My feet bring me to a familiar alleyway. A bar spills light out onto the street from the end of the alley, and loud sounds are coming from it. There's singing, a girl's voice, "....can't say where I've been....." slips through the doorway with the breeze. I've been here before, I know the voice coming out of it, and soon there is another's sure to follow. Ender Winters. He's as much a District Fixture as I've become. I stand and listen, but don't go in. I do let the song limp it's way around me until it has me cornered, and I'm stuck against the brick wall. I'm likely to be penned in for hours by the song. It's been this way before, when I've come. I've seen her singing in the bar, I know what she looks like after the amount of times the idiot quad has brought her in for questioning about the District's most interesting serial killer that seemed to just up and disappear. It doesn't matter how many times I've told them the exact date that Dempsey is likely to show up again, ad it won't be for some time. They've latched onto his cousin as a attempt to look like they have half a brain.
Once upon a time there was a boy who became a man to make his father proud, so he asked the good doctors to take away everything he didn't need. The Doctors took out his capacity for love, and other emotions, and put thought and logic in their place.
I lean against the wall with my cigarette, lighting another one every so often as I listen to the songs coming out of that door frame. I can sense that there is emotion there but still, if I can't see it, I don't know if I really believe in it. It's equivalent to someone saying that they believe in God because someone else told them they felt it. The foreign objects that they ask me to believe in are too preposterous for life. Human emotion, silly things like love cannot exist, cannot be real things. The human psyche is geared toward survival. If they love, feel, have compassion than how do they kill so easily in their struggle to better their positions. No, emotion is silly and unneeded. You people make me look like the sane one.
Once upon a time there was a boy who left to make his father proud, and came home a monster. The mother of the house came to fear him, the brother to hate him, and the father to ignore him.
The night deepens and the songs lessen until they and the lights begin to fade out into darkness and the night is quiet once again.