putting the chalk away

I'm going to be honest here, because that's something I've never really been good at. I need to leave.

For a while now, I've just let the "why to stay" excuses keep coming. Plot commitments, the reaping, Faye!trib, more threads and more plots, and now, Faye's death post, which has been sitting a little over halfway finished in My Documents for weeks. Every time I reread it, I literally just want to start over, but then I'm reminded of how many people are actually going to read it and how many people are just going to read the first couple words of the first and the last paragraphs and say they did, and then I ask myself why I should finish it in the first place. So, maybe I'll finish it sometime. I don't know. Probably not, but whatever.

Sorry to everyone that I've kind of just...dropped threads with. It's when roleplaying starts feeling more like a chore than a hobby that you know you aren't doing it right anymore.

In the three on-and-off years that I've been a member here, I don't think I've made much of a mark. Sure, I've had three tributes – one that I just look back on and laugh, one that although a bit VERY Mary-Sueish at times, turned my shallow 300 word posts into a 4.5k suicide-death post, and one that I put into the games while on a YOGATO (you only get a tribute once which isn't necessarily accurate but shhh high, hoping that people would understand why I loved her so much; and yet I still feel like I owe her a decent post. And sure, I've gotten TOTM once, and there are so many amazing writers on here that I have so much respect that I know I'll never be anywhere near as good as, but it gets to the point where I constantly have to ask myself whether I'm any good at all.

I don't feel like myself on here. Lately, I've gotten better at it, but a lot of times, I still feel like the awkward, shy, and sensitive 13-year old me I used to be when I joined. Sure, I'll always be sensitive, but I'm trying to get shy out of my dictionary. And I'm almost there. But I still backspace half the phrases I type because I don't think anyone will like them or I feel like I'm being too self-centered or I don't know if anyone will understand; and I'm tired of always feeling like that -- like I have something to prove or like I'm not doing anything right. I'm tired of getting down on myself for getting down on myself, and yes, I suck at making friends, but keeping them is an entirely different story. At this point, I'm just hoping I have enough courage to actually post this.

On top of all this, I want to be a music major, which means I have to go freaking practice my butt off a lot more...including right now, so I should be wrapping this up soon.

There's so many of you that I wish I could have gotten the chance to write with and get to know so much better -- so many of you that I silently respect and I just want thank you guys for everything you've done. Roleplaying here was my go-to back in middle school. I'm really grateful for the people who have made me feel at home here, and I would point you guys out right now but I'm too afraid I'll forget to mention someone and honestly, that feeling sucks.

Sorry, I didn't mean to make this a pity post or a “Hang in there, girl!” post because I've been hanging in there for three years and not a lot's changed. Just an honest post.

So, time for me to go change.

Thank you, everyone, and bye~