Lost Myself {open}

I've spent so long thinking about who I am that it's time for me to find out. I'm tired of being a clone of Karissa. I have no clue who I even am anymore. I've always been forced to be exactly like Karissa in every single way. The same fashion style as her, the same attitude as her, the same training style as her, even the same hairstyles and makeup as her. I'm sick and tired of it.

But I don't have any other choice. He'll just hurt me if I do. Ever since Karissa won the fiftieth Hunger Games when I was five, I have been forced to be a cookie cutter clone of her. And if I disobey and do something that Karissa wouldn't or wear something Karissa wouldn't? I think my body will tell you the answer. I'm not perfect like her which is why I have the word "imperfect" carved into my stomach. I'm a bitch unlike her which is why I have the word "bitch" carved into my right forearm. Apparently I'm a whore which is why I have the word "whore" carved into my left forearm. I won't even begin to explain the bruises and whiplash marks on my back.

Regardless of the scars, I must act strong. I must act like a tough girl. I cannot be weak. For showing weakness will result in serious injury or death. Death for not being perfect like Karissa. I will not let that happen to me. I don't have any other option than to be like her.

That's why I have lost myself. I spend so long trying to be like Karissa that I don't even know who I am. Who am I anyway? Who is the real Marlena Becker? Because the only Marlena Becker that I know is a clone of Karissa. A clone, or a puppet, that has no other choice than to be one. Not an individual person with their own values, fashion sense, attitude, and favorite weapons; but someone who has no options other than to be a puppet.

I walk out of my house (wearing a Karissa approved outfit, of course) and down the street toward the training center. I need to train. And I can't get punished for training because Karissa loved training. So it's a win-win situation. Maybe I can find myself too...