[peri's vt]

Speaking
Doing
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People keep saying "Alaska is gone," and I can't stand it. How can she be gone? The person that was there for me through thick and thin? The person that was there for me when they had no reason to be? I know, I know, it sounds like a cliche movie or sitcom, where the two friends meet in a time of need. But, to be brutally honest, it kind of is like that. The loss of our mom affecting us both in different ways, but bonding us together with an invincible chain only the girl from Eleven could break. And when it broke, vibrations shook me harder than I would've though. All my life, I was expecting to live to be eighty, and then going to Alaska's funeral, thinking, I'm next. Instead, I was fifteen bawling my eyes out at Alaska's funeral, thinking, I better not be next. This may sound selfish, heartless, and flat-out rude, but I hope my step-mom goes next. After her, I want her kids to go. Especially Tanaina. And then, me. Not my dad. That's another act of selfishness, I suppose, wanting my father to suffer for even longer. It's not like nobody ever left me behind before.

I'm sitting here, scooping oatmeal from a plastic bowl, alone. That's all I ever wanna be anymore. Except if it's just me and Dad, then I make an exception. I don't hate all of my siblings, but they just don't understand what I'm going through. I always got pissed off when people used that excuse on me, but now I know exactly what they mean. There's this void in me that I feel like no reassuring words can fulfill. The oatmeal enters my mouth and burns it, but I feel nothing until it slides down my throat and sends heat spiraling through my body. The outside air chills me to the bone, and even in my house I can't find an escape from the brisk winds that make their way through barely-opened windows and old doors.

Earlier today, the Victor from the Games visited us. My family sat adjacent to Curtis's. The whole time, my dad was gripping my hand, and whenever I felt like crying, I squeezed it. I wonder who needed it more; me, so I didn't cry, or dad, because he's the only thing left, and he doesn't wanna let go of me. The Hunts were lined up next to us, and I made sure not to look at any of them the entire time. The speech was all a bunch of bogus, though. His mentor probably instructed him and what to say, and how to say it, like he's simply their little creature. And it's always the same thing every year... "I'm sorry," "They were great people," "None of us deserved what we went through," which doesn't help at all. People need to open their eyes and realize apologies mean jackshit. The day someone actually shows that they care will be the day that I die! I realize there might never be anything that can fully make me feel better, but a little attempts here and there won't hurt anyone.

Now, my dad and mom are at work. All of my siblings are either in the house somewhere or out. I stare down at the bowl of oatmeal, and am too lazy to fish out the lingering grains. I leave them in the bowl and nonchalantly toss it in the sink. I stare down at my feet as I slink over to the coat rack. What a tool, I think, in regards of the coat rack. And then I giggle because obviously that's what a coat rack is meant for. Like how people are meant to die. The only reason I may now sound like a sadistic little bitch is because I've always been a bitch and it's not like I can get over Alaska's death as easily as getting up in the morning. I wrap my coat around my frail body, encasing me inside this bundle of warmth. My feet fumble around, searching for my shoes until they slip into the pink and white sneakers. I know my clothes don't match, but today, I don't care. Everyone's gonna be looking at me anyways, knowing that the only reason Peridot Myler was here today was to talk to me, and Curtis's siblings.

The air outside is cold, tempting me to lick my lips but I refuse. Every winter I lick my lips too much and every winter I have to suffer. Not this year, I decide. I walk down the steps, scanning the streets before me. In the winter, everything comes to a standstill, like when the ponds freeze, so do the people. There still is the usual crowd, but kids decide it's too cold outside, and take their business elsewhere. Now, the streets are full of people who's jobs consist of cleaning up or trading on the streets. I'm mad already, but the temperature makes it even worse. It always frustrated me when it was freezing but no snow was falling, yet on the warmest of days rain decides to ruin everything. Maybe Mother Nature is mad at us, I conclude. I don't want we do that's so wrong. The Hunger Games are something we didn't agree on, so if there's any place that she be hit my a colossal earthquake or riveting tornado, it should be the Captiol. Not even District One - the Capitol's puppy dogs who eat out of their hands - deserves a natural disaster, but they were the ones who were punished with an earthquake not too long ago.

My feet stomp over the pavement, and I can't help think how this would be all the more pleasurable if there was a white layer of snow under more. It would make the scene dramatic, one that I can play out in my head and smile at it. The outside weather shouldn't be a concern, though, because I want nothing to do with anyone outside. The withering trees beside me show no sign of life, like they're as tired as I am. I trudge on, though, while the trees have no option but to call it a day and let winter take over. I see the Justice Building and my pace starts to quicken, along with my heartbeats. When I get to the doors, two Peacekeepers are standing there. I'm not sure if they're gonna stop me if I try to walk through... Apparently, there are. "What do you want?" Clearly, they show no signs of sympathy. They don't care how they make others feel. They're just doing their job. "I'm here to see Peridot Myler... I'm Alaska's sister." "I don't care who's sister you are and I'm sure my partner over here don't, either." But, still, he pats me down and gives me access to the building. It takes all of my might to not turn around and kick the two guys in their backside.

When I turned around in contemplation, one of the guard was behind me. I was kind of relieved because I had no idea where Peridot was, and I'm pretty sure he's gonna lead me to him. When we get to the end of this hallways, and it splits into two directions, the guy steps in front of me and takes lead. The building is so old and rustic, although the wooden walls hold of well against the cold weather. When we walk past a window, I can already see the sun setting. The sun that Alaska will never see again. Too soon we're there, and my heart is beating rapidly out of adrenaline and nervousness. "Peridot Myler, there's someone here to see you?" I didn't notice it before, but the sounds of metal hitting metal stop, and I realize I've interrupted their dinner. I brush it off; it's not like he won't have more of these. The guard points to a room and I enter it, awaiting his presence. When I see Peridot Myler enter the room, I'm at a loss of words. I've been planning what I was gonna say, but now that I actually have to say it...

"Hi, Peridot Myler, I'm Alaska's sister." I wonder if he doesn't care, either. "I just... I just wanna say that although your words were sweet, they didn't help at all." My words are soft and mellow, begging for him to feel guilt. He has nothing to feel guilty for, but he's the only one who understands a portion of what I'm going through. He's the only other person, at my age, that's known someone who's gone through what Alaska went through. Except, he lived. "I'm not going to ask you if Alaska said anything about me to you. I'm not going to ask you why you didn't save Alaska, because why would you? But, I am going to ask you if you actually thought your 'soothing' words were going to help. Because I'm not sure if they helped Curtis's siblings, but they sure as hell did nothing for me."