When Darkness Closes In(Sedge)

She Does,She Says,She Hears,She Thinks


~Annabelle O'Sullivan

I had slumped into my usual spot when I returned late that night, curled up behind the crates. It was away from the view of the street, and on most nights it would keep me sheltered from the wind. Though it wasn't much to keep the biting cold out. However, it being the middle of December, I was all but shocked by the winter weather by now. I simply wrapped the old blanket around my body, and curled up into a tiny ball. The morphling brought other effects with it, usually drowsiness, so I never had any problems crashing out after coming home. Though I wondered if my changing sleeping patterns had drawn the attention of either of my siblings. I didn't allow myself this sort of thinking, and besides, it was a mere moments before I was asleep.

It wasn't a restful sleep.

My dreams were filled with shadows and terror. I remember seeing Gus and Lexie, dead behind our dumpster. They were the epiphany of skin and bones, and my heart wrenched. There was a stabbing in my arm where the needle would come in, and before I knew it, my blood was on fire. Everything inside me burned. Then came the gushing of the red liquid from the needle's opening. A sea of blood, more than I could have in my body, surrounded me, drowning me... Then it all went black.

I was roused by my twin, but I stared blankly, barely registering her words, "Annie, it's time for us to begin our rounds."

Rounds?

I was confused, until she explained herself, "We need some money for our dinner tonight or we'll be forced to have another night without food. I don't think any of us can deal with that again, we just don't have the strength to do it anymore. We'll start next to some of the businesses, most of the Peacekeepers are at the plants overseeing the end of the shifts so we should be able to get enough for dinner."

Money.

A pang of guilt shot through my gut as I began to get to my feet, but it might have just as much been a dizzy spell from the lack of food. I stumbled, but the dumpster beside me provided support as I steadied myself. Thoughts of the previous night had sneaked into the forefront of my mind, and I remembered the payment I'd given. It was money that could have gone towards feeding Gus or Lexie, but instead I spent it on myself. I spent it on a fucking drug.

I'm scum.

But I couldn't stop now... I could never stop. Since the night that I'd tried it, I couldn't imagine functioning without it. I was able to go away for a little while. It was what I looked forward to at the end of the day. When I was away, and with these people... I felt important. I felt I belong. I didn't feel like the failure that I did when I was with my family. I didn't feel like a waste of money and food and everything that we worked for in order to stay alive. After that needle was in my arm... I felt like life was worth living.

But you don't deserve to live.

There it was again... Those thoughts. The kind that haunted me every morning I awoke. Haunting me. Reminding me. Making sure that I don't forget the ungodly betrayal that I commit every single evening. And ensuring that I feel every ounce of guilt that I deserve. It wouldn't let me forget what wrong I was committing. But I knew I wouldn't stop.

Through this all, however, my face and eyes were covered by a blank mask in the face of my twin sister. A mask that I'd become rather familiar with over the past years. It was one I'd been given so that they wouldn't know what was wrong with me. They wouldn't know that I was upset or sad or angry... But it seemed I wore it too often. Because no longer does happiness show through, or sadness, or anything else. I don't even need the mask anymore. I haven't felt any of those things in a long time. All I know is guilt, fear, and an overwhelming emptiness that I haven't been able to shake. Everything that was once me is gone.

I barely exist.

My voice cracked as I replied, "Then let's go."

It was all I would offer her, could offer her. Three little words. I didn't deserve her ear for a single word, a breath even. I didn't deserve her time, her company, or her worry. I was a traitor to everything that she did for me. For us. For everything that we still had in this district. This world. This life. I was ashamed.

I'm scum.

She Does,She Says,She Hears,She Thinks


~Annabelle O'Sullivan


My brain was buzzing, and I could barely feel my sister's hand slapping against my cheek. It wasn't very hard, more of a rousing smack, but I could barely register half of the things that were going on around me. My mind was foggy, and I couldn't find where my initial thoughts had went. They leaked from my head, and down the drain, never to be found again. There my mind disappeared again, forcing my body to take over. I was to operate on simple, physical instinct.

We strode through the streets, prowling for a victim. Or at least Lexie was looking for someone to steal from. I was still out of it, and merely followed her through the district. It didn't take long for her to bump into someone, and I knew this wasn't an accident. This was a technique that we had for getting into the pockets of citizens. They're too distracted looking at your face and apologizing that they don't notice our grimy paw slipping into their coat pockets. It's quite easy, really, and usually I would be joining her in the little escapade. However, the drugs had taken a toll on me, and I was still drowsy, with a slight headache that left me foggy.

I nearly was separated from my sister as we fought through a particularly thick crowd, being forced towards the side for a few moments. My eyes landed on a woman, and I moved that way, forcing back into the crowds to get back to Lexie, but my fingers had slightly different intentions. They wrapped around the money, before finding themselves in my own pocket. Nobody said anything as I walked through, eventually rejoining with my twin.

As we rounded a corner, familiar white uniforms forced me to a halt, and my heart began hammering in my chest. All of the blood drained from my face, and I must have looked like a ghost. All of them were familiar to us, some more than others. No matter who they were, it brought my heart up to my throat. A terror only they brought to me. My gaze fell onto the cruel brown eyes of one, and I began to shake, taking a small step backwards.

Get away.

Beside me, my sister was stuttering, trying to present some sort of false alibi, "Ummmmmm, hello...we uh...just were lost and trying to find out way around the district...ummmm...and we happened to run into you guys. We're sorry if we...disturbed you, we'll just be on out way now."

Strong grips were soon on us, and I could hear the thump of a hand against my sister's flesh. I didn't look. I had my eyes wired shut as I tried to block them out, and I could already feel the tears burning against my lids. I remembered when I'd been caught stealing, and I felt the whip of the lash against my back. I felt it again once more, flashing back to that terrible day. Nothing could make me move, and nothing more than strained whimpers came from my mouth. I was shaking, and could feel the pounding of a new beating from these peacekeepers.

When will they just kill us?

It was as if the man had heard me as he grunted in my ear, "You'd think we wouldn't have to beat the shit out of you this often... But you brats keep it interesting."

Nothing lasts forever, though. Not even the abuse from the so-called "peacekeepers." Eventually they grew weary of us, and moved on, but it was too much for me. I stayed on the ground, face hidden in my hands. The frustration of being so totally at another person's mercy was the pain that I felt now. Not the physical torment. By now, none of us were really unused to the beatings, you had to. But I could never adjust to the emotions that surfaced afterwards.

They could have finished the job.

Maybe I wanted them to.

She Does,She Says,She Hears,She Thinks


~Annabelle O'Sullivan

I couldn't move. Locked in my flashback, only a few pained whimpers came from my lips. They sounded so far away, like I was merely a spectator to the dreadful scene I was a part of. I was dead weight on my sibling's back, and incapable of helping her on the journey back to our little hole in the comfort of the shadowy slums.

Who was that shell of a girl, clinging to her sister so strongly? She seemed so empty, so lackluster. What happened to her? Had sunshine once glittered off of the straw-like blonde hair on her head? Was there ever a time when those blue eyes had glittered with childish joy, and imagination? Perhaps there was a day when hope had been there, and maybe even curiosity. A victim of fate, and a weak disposition. Life drained her.

That girl was me. I was there. Once again I locked myself into my little cold box, and away from the people I loved most. Why was I so afraid to speak to them? What was this imaginary judgement that I dreaded being cast upon me? All the time I find these strange questions haunting me like the ghosts do a graveyard.

Lexie dragged me along, until finally depositing me upon my blanket behind our dumpster. I felt my voice return to me, and I asked her, "Why won't they just get it over with?"

Did I just say that?

Suddenly, I really wanted to head back to the seedy end of District 6.

She Does,She Says,She Hears,She Thinks


~Annabelle O'Sullivan

I watched her for a few moments, disappearing, waiting for her to go out of view of both me and our little dumpster. It was time for me to slip out, and I couldn't let Lexi see me leave. That would have me discovered sooner than you could count to three, and the fallout that would come from it was... undesirable. I saw her turn the corner, and I got to my feet.

There was a path that I followed every evening down to what I knew simply as the House. It was where I went under the needle all too often, and I had become a familiar face. The place was a source of acceptance for me. They knew my name, and they knew exactly how to make me feel better. What more could a vulnerable little street urchin ask for?

Within a few minutes I was in the place that I needed to be; I was in front of the building where I'd get my fix. It was a grimy building, like any other, but it was the only place I could do this in private. My regular dealer greeted me, and I handed him the money from pickpocketing earlier. Cash that I failed to mention to Lexi after we were beaten for stealing.

My dealer's name was Cross. I didn't know if it was real or just a nickname, but it didn't really matter to me. He had something I wanted, I had something he wanted, we gave it to each other. It was a simple relationship.

When I handed him the money, he tapped a bruise on my cheek and raised an eyebrow, "Busy being a bad ass today?"

I shrugged, "You know why I'm here."

He nodded, "Yeah, yeah. Come on sweetheart, let's get a little sunshine in those veins."

I allowed him to guide me over to the familiar little seat, and I lay back. He cinched the cloth, and stuck in the needle. Immediately came that sweet relief, and I lay back in bliss for those long fifteen minutes.

She Does,

She Does,She Says,She Hears,She Thinks


~Annabelle O'Sullivan
When I left that night, I was feeling a little more off than usual. The typical drowsiness I typically experienced was mingled with an overwhelming sense of nausea as I stumbled towards her home. Memory carried my tired legs back to our little spot behind the dumpster, where I crumpled to the ground into my blanket.

I knew my sister was there, but I didn't say anything, merely laying flat on my stomach. My guts were churning, and I didn't know how or if I'd need to explain my absence to Lexie. Surely she'd put the pieces together and find me out?

Right now, though, I could barely move and I wondered if it was because it was the guilt in my belly that I couldn't throw up, though it might have been the fact I had nothing in it at all. finally got back up, dry-heaving by a couple of wooden crates, before falling back onto my back.

"[I didn't mean to, please don't cry," I apologized.

She Does,She Says,She Hears,She Thinks


~Annabelle O'Sullivan

"We can't keep going on like this, money is scarce, and I think someone is stealing from us, I can't keep offering...my services to people for money if it gets stolen from us," Lexi said, and in that moment, I felt my heart fragmenting into a thousand tiny shards, never to be found again.

The guilt swelled in my chest, and then rose up to my throat, and stopped the words. I wondered if there were even words I could have used to tell my twin that I was the reason that we were having such a hard time. Everything that I felt, and believed myself to be seemed to have been confirmed to be true with the words.

Selfish... Worthless... Evil...

Words of self-loathing that could not escape the confines of my skull, and remained there to taunt me with my every mistake. The voices that hated me, made me believe that I hated me that would not stop, and could never leave. Was I mad? Was ithis God's punishment for such a wretched creature as myself?

I don't even think I am human anymore. A human would not do what I was doing. I am little more than a selfish, under-evolved drug addict that would never amount to anything higher than 6 feet under the earth I walked on.

Hands numb, I rolled up one of my sleeves, and revealed it to my sister. There were no words, my mouth was devoid of any moisture, and I was petrified. Would she reject me, hate me for this? Would she make me leave, or simply beat my skull into the ground like I deserved? Or would she perform the greatest evil, and love me despite this?

My now bare arm could not hide my use. The shrunken, dead veins made no mistake, and said more than I could have, should anything could have escaped my throat or clenched jaws. All I could muster were the droplets of liquid sorrow that streamed down my grimy cheeks, and plopped softly onto the dirty ground.

I hadn't noticed until now the tension of my muscles. My hands were clenched with all of the strength my weak body could spare, and I was shivering. My nightmare, realized.

After what felt to be hours of torture upon my mind, I whispered, "Lexi, the only one who should be dead is me."

She Does,She Says,She Hears,She Thinks


~Annabelle O'Sullivan

Hearing this, I might have thought that my heart would have found another way to break, another way to shatter and send me into tears, wanting to comfort my twin sister. Perhaps even cry with this realization that she had done so much for me, and seeing the true extent of my own betrayal. However, if anything, it was frozen solid, and the stiffness that was in my muscles melted to nothing. I forgot to inhale, simply staring at the ground, and saying nothing to her.

I could reason with why she did it, the extent that she was going through just to keep our heads above water. She sold herself out to brutal men so we could all have food in our bellies, to have enough to drink, and live long enough to make our way back to this half-made shelter that was all the home we had. But never once had she told us, or allowed us to help ease her burden, she just went on with it without our notice.

Grinding my teeth, I just shook my head before saying, "Alexis... why the hell would you do something like that?" The floodgates released in an outpour of emotion, "If one thing goes wrong with that... one thing... that's bad... But I screw up..."

I scratched at the site of the ugly dead veins on my arm, this stress already too much for me. My own sister! Something that could have been despair or rage was welling up in the pit of my belly, and I squeezed my hands into tight, frustrated fists. And then... the nerve to say that she could help me? There was nothing she could ever do to right things, nothing she could do to change things to the way they were before. To take away the one thing that got me by... the thing that made me feel better, almost important...

"You have a lot of nerve to say that... Saying that you could help me, with this!" As I squeezed my arm. My eyes darkened, looking at the ground, and then back into my sister's gray eyes. With cold conviction, I whispered, "And what makes you think I want to stop?"

Everything that I'd been holding, keeping held inside of me was being unleashed, as continued on, "What you see here, on my arm is only the surface, Lexi! There is no way you could ever help me, no way you can ever make me forget or undo all of these mistakes I've made. All I can do for myself is to stop myself from making another mistake, from doing this to you over and over and over..."

I hadn't even noticed the tears that began to roll down my cheeks, but I didn't bothered wiping them away. I wouldn't acknowledge them, allow them to exist in my concious. All that existed was between myself and my twin, and the barrier of choices that felt like it was expanding, and threatened to tear us apart.