cow /tipping/ semper

You shout it out,
But I can't hear a word you say
I'm talking loud not saying much
I'm criticized but all your bullets ricochet
You shoot me down, but I get up

The peace I had enjoyed was ruined. I heard him before he came, the loud crackling of the boards sounding above me. I had closed y one good eye only briefly, but at the annoying sound it flickered open. I titled my head backwards to look at the roof above me. I wish I could have somehow prevented that irritating noise in the few moments of peace I needed. But of course that was not going to happen. It had been determined that I would never get that kind of peace, but then I should have guessed so, being in such a large family. There would always be someone up and about, or someone trying to blow the place up. If any of them it would be Milo. Milo was always careless and always unwilling to even give even the slightest care for anyone else in the house. I already knew it was him, if it had of been Aden or even Olivia they would have at least attempted to move silently, unwilling to wake up mother who was probably still in bed. She was always in bed; she rarely left it since dad left and was branded a traitor, avoxed and shipped off to the Capitol. I mean no one could blame her; it was hardly fair everything she had gone through and everything that had happened had affected us as well, every time I walked down the streets I swear I could hear people mumbling and seeing things about me.

We were the talk of the district, a traitor for a father and if that was not bad enough Olivia was always out and about shouting and screaming, Aden was some religious nut job. I believed in Ripred, but I held no single belief that he would ever help any of us. He, to me, was more a man that seemed to prefer to watch onwards as tragedy struck. To me he was no more than an observer, just a figure of the mind to give people hope, because hope was the only thing some people had in this world. Nahhh I preferred to believe that if there was some higher power out there it was death. Death seemed a lot more believable, seeing as I had seen so many people go on and join it. Then there was Emery and Milo, Milo seemed addicted to trouble and he had this crazy thing for his muscles, well the tendons, I think. I’m not really sure. I guess when the others thought about me they thought of me similarly, I got out a lot and out of them all I probably ended up with the most to show for it. Bruised eyes, cuts, blood and wounds. I loved it, though. I loved showing people that finely hones in control I had grasped, it was something to be proud of and it was something only a few people had.

Sighing I push myself upwards as Milo enters the room. A throw him a crooked grin, unlike the ones that frequent my face when I’m being bashed this one is less teasing, and urging, as though I’m trying to make you hit me more. No, it was more affectionate, but it was only the smile. My eyes remained emotionless. Spotting me he says, ”That’s quite a shiner you got there, Jonah.” My grin widens and once more I find one of my hands reaching upwards to gently prod the sensitive skin. Milo, to my own surprise step up closer, much closer, suddenly his face is right up to mine and I resist the urge to shove him back and away from me. I was use to people getting right in my face, but I’d actually never seen Milo take such an interest in one of my marks. Normally no one in the family cared, they had grown accustomed to seeing me with bruises, I was sure they had even seen me getting bashed sometimes. None of them did a thing about it, which I was grateful for. It was my business and I wasn’t sure if they understood why I did, but never the less the let me do it, they didn’t interrupt with my hobbies, I didn’t stop them when they did theirs. It was a good deal, that way I didn’t have to ask them much about what they were doing either, the few times one of them had attempted to understand why I let myself get beaten up had been confusing. They’d just told me again and again that I should hit back, but they just don’t get it. So they leave it now.

Finally springing away from me, after closely examining the bruise on my face he turns to leave. I sink back into the couch, letting myself relax. Abruptly Milo turns around again, I raise a questioning eyebrow, which he answers by saying, ”C’mon, Jonah, we’re gonna go do something and I won’t take ‘no’ for an answer.” In all honesty I could simply tell Milo to fuck off, I could sit there and not have to get up and go with him. I was his big brother. But seeing him there and looking at the couch and then thinking on how little the two of us had actually spent time together I grudgingly get up. With a resigned sigh I follow him out of the living room. “Okay then, what did you have in mind?”

I'm bulletproof, nothing to lose
Fire away, fire away
Ricochet, you take your aim
Fire away, fire away
You shoot me down but I won't fall

You shout it out,
But I can't hear a word you say
I'm talking loud not saying much
I'm criticized but all your bullets ricochet
You shoot me down, but I get up

I’m up on my feet in a matter of seconds. I had gotten used to being able to function fast. When you were someone like me your reflexes came in handy. Just a little bit of movement here and there. Because sometimes the idea of being knocked out was a horrible one so instead I’d move. Lessen the blow, making it a little bit more comfortable for me. I follow Milo out of the house and into the early night air. It felt refreshing and the cool breeze rubbed up against the bruising on my face. At first he night air made it sting, but after a few seconds it felt rather soothing, as though numbing the throbbing that threatened to erupt. Glancing backwards the house was disappearing into the gloom with every step I took. I could see the last flickering light in the bottom floor, the kitchen. But as we stepped further into the darkness it disappeared with the ground as though it had been swallowed. It was an ominous kind of look, and it reminded me a lot of blacking out. You could see that pin hole of light before you and it rapidly began shrinking and shrinking until it disappeared all at once and in those seconds the world faded from existence around you. It was scary sometimes, because you could feel the world like slipping from your hands and you just wanted to stop it, but you couldn’t

Sighing I continue to follow him. I could already tell this was going to be a bad idea. Milo was always getting into horrible sorts of trouble. He was the one I was sure that was going to probably end up like dad. You know shipped off to the Capitol with no tongue, being branded a traitor of some sort. But knowing Milo it would probably be because he stole a cow or something ridiculous like that. It would be a shame really to see him go when it happened, because I held little doubt that time was simply holding out on it. Yet, being the big brother and thinking I had to protect him in any way was not helping. I just didn’t want to. In our family you fought you own battles, you lost by yourself and if you needed help you asked. And if Milo needed help out of a situation I wouldn’t give it to him until he did just that, asked.

I was slightly annoyed that he had ignored my question and the silence between us was thickening. ”We,” Then it was broken with that one word. Indicating, to me that we both were going to get into something. Trouble. ”are gonna go cow tipping.” I stare at him. What? Cow tipping? What the hell was cow tipping? And I it was what the name suggested why would I want to go and tip a cow over? Cows could be dangerous; I mean not that I had never faced danger. I got bashed up every day, but cows? They weren’t people, I couldn’t read them; I couldn’t judge their next move. No they were different and deadly. Milo ignores my silent horror and instead reaches for a fence, pulling it apart to reveal a gap. Opening it wider he steps aside and faces me. ”After you.” I hesitate for a moment. Then shrugging I step forwards, shouldering my way through the fence.

”What am I getting myself into.” I groan, stepping further into the field I turn back, waiting for Milo to join me.

I'm bulletproof, nothing to lose
Fire away, fire away
Ricochet, you take your aim
Fire away, fire away
You shoot me down but I won't fall

You shout it out,
But I can't hear a word you say
I'm talking loud not saying much
I'm criticized but all your bullets ricochet
You shoot me down, but I get up

I find myself in a continuous circle where this storm never ends, the waves of the churning ocean crash against me, again and again and again. A continuous pounding that just wants to break through that barrier in my mind. And when it does break I know what will happen. The person on the receiving end will suffer, I might kill them. I’ll hurt someone, I know I will, because five years of not hurting a person and being hurt and hurt leaves scars. And those kinds of scars are more dangerous and damaging then others. It makes me dangerous, it makes me unpredictable, untameable. Maybe I should just vent and let it all out. Maybe I should just fight back and hit the next person that annoys me. Just let those carefully built walls tumble down, let the world see me as any other person fighting for survival. Don’t let them see me as me, just let myself fall and become like the rest of the people in this world. Then I’d finally have to stop trying. I’d finally be free.

I strike out day in day out, hitting my enemies, pushing them and pushing myself and at first I never noticed the small lines, the cracks, the dints and dents that began to surface. At first they stayed skin deep, in places where I would never look, they stayed away from my eyes and my mind hides them from me. Anger dwells deep within me. I can feel it as it tries to push its way through. It always tries to destroy me. But then I have to think what will that do? What will fighting back do? Will it be a good thing? Will it give me that release that is pushing in my mind, threatening to break those walls? Or will it just make it all worse? So I don’t hit anyone, I don’t fight back. I just speak and I just let myself get beaten, because it is –in the end, the only thing I know.

As it tries to defeat the so carefully woven defences that I have placed in its way. My self-restraint keeps me sane and my anger keeps me going. I wonder if any of them can see it? Can Milo see the strain? Can Olivia see the tight shoulders, the taut muscles and burning eyes? Do they feel the anger as it burns off of me, as I try to hide it? I don’t think they do. To them I’m just the older brother, the one that seems to return home with a black eye every day, or cuts and bruises or blood stained clothes. But one small push the wrong way and I know I will be thrown into the storm I have continuously avoided. A storm that threatens to take me each day as I’m strike with a fist. I defy it and I keep going, egging those other people on, making them hit me and force me to fight myself and my inner turmoil. It is fun, don’t get me wrong, that kind of self-destruction and war is enjoyable. And yet my wall is the only thing that stands between total destruction and the oasis of calm.

There is only so much you can prevent before it becomes too much.

Milo catches up to me, quickly telling me to watch out for cow pies I stare at him blankly for a second before nodding my head once. Cow dung. I could smell it, it was everywhere. Forcing the scowl from my face I turn my attention back my annoying little brother. ”Okay, first of all, don’t go for a steer. They’ll gore you. Second, don’t go for mama cows cause that’s just rude. Third, stay down wind of the cow so it can’t smell you, otherwise your cover’s blown.” I nod, barely digesting all this information, because in all honesty I was still not sure why I was standing here and why I had not just turned around and headed back home. ”We just have to go up by the cow when it’s not paying attention and shove it over. Much easier said than done, and frankly it hardly even works half the time. Or,” he pauses to hold up a finger, I roll my eyes. ”If we want, we can just chase them around.”

I snort. As if this whole idea was not bad enough. “Let’s just stick with the plan. Knock the cow over and leave. Okay? That sounds good.” With that I look away and begin creeping up to the cow, and I swear it was watching me.

I'm bulletproof, nothing to lose
Fire away, fire away
Ricochet, you take your aim
Fire away, fire away
You shoot me down but I won't fall

You shout it out,
But I can't hear a word you say
I'm talking loud not saying much
I'm criticized but all your bullets ricochet
You shoot me down, but I get up

I’m hardly paying attention to Milo anymore, my eyes instead focusing on the extent of the herd in front of me. Well, as well as the freaking massive cows. Okay so I lived in district ten, the district known for its cattle and sheep and horses. But, well, to be completely and utterly honest with you I had never actually been near a cow. I mean I had seen them, but holy cow balls I had never actually been this close to one. I preferred to stay in town and meet the fist of another person rather than the hoof of a cow. People were easier to deal with and they didn’t smell as bad. Besides that cow over there did not look happy. Her head would lift up and turn to face right at us, before turning back to eat some grass. I swear she knew we were here, right here, hiding. She was just waiting for us to leap out there and get here, but oh no, she’d surprise us and probably gore us to death. What was I thinking? Why, of fucking hell, why had I agreed to doing this? I swallow my breathing turning a bit more ragged than normal.

It was so, so, so much more easier talking to people and getting them to punch the shit out of you. At least they didn’t look like they were going to gore you to death with their feet. I mean come on how does milo expect us to run up to a cow when it has four legs and is most likely much faster than we are? Crazy, stupid idea. I turn my one good eye to take a quick look at the rest of the herd. They seemed unperturbed and not looking like they knew we were here. They didn’t look as dangerous, they did not look like they were evil sons of a bitch that wanted to kill everything in their way. Okay, so maybe I was over-exaggerating this, but I was tired. I had had a long, hard day of getting bashed up. My eyes was throbbing painfully, and it needed ice. And cows should not be this big, and I was out in a field with my crazy ass brother who wanted me,me, the boy that gets bashed up for shits and giggles to go up to some murderous cow and push it over.

Did I forget to mention that the cow looked like the devil itself? I shit you not, it appeared to be the only cow the knew what was happening and I swear it was looking right at me.

I nearly jump when Milo touches my shoulder, before leaning down and whispering in my ear, ”okay, buff guy, it’s your time to shine.” And with that he is off, up and running. I hesitate for a moment before chasing after him and towards the cow. Milo looks like some bat-shit-crazy-son-of-a-bitch that has done this over a thousand times. I run left and then suddenly all the cows are running. I let out a startled yelp as the cow I was supposed to be pushing spins. I halt. “That’s a good cow, be nice now.” I raise my arms, my feet stepping backwards slowly. The cow snorts. I freeze. ”Steady there, Cow.” I whisper, not trusting my voice to not break. The cow snorts once more, taking a step forwards.”Milo, help, please.” I croak out, unwilling to take my eyes away from the evil cow in front of me.

I'm bulletproof, nothing to lose
Fire away, fire away
Ricochet, you take your aim
Fire away, fire away
You shoot me down but I won't fall