.:Such Great Heights:. [Cait]

This room is too small.

The four walls seem to close in on me, moving closer as time passes by. The faded pink paint peels, breaking off in flakes and floating gently to the hard ground beneath me. The way in which the lone flake is caught in the wind on its descent fascinates me. Slowly it drifts to the ground, kissing the floorboards softly when it finally stays still. The dusty floorboards gather more dust each year, the storage room that I am standing in to be used for only five short minutes, until the next year comes around and another girl is forced to meet her death.

The bare room holds one small table, a single book laid open at a page on medicinal plants and their uses. Intrigued, I bend to pick up the fragile book and have a closer look at the page, but the moment my thin, bony hands touch the tattered material, the book falls apart in a mess on the floor. Everything I touch is destroyed. The lone chair in the room stands in a corner, and although it looks inviting, I don’t dare sit on it, for fear that it, too, would shatter and break. Just another pile of junk, useless, broken, and soon to be forgotten. A quick scan around the room also reveals a small portrait hanging on the wall. The frame is obviously very old, as is the photograph, so tattered and worn that the picture is impossible to make out. The thought of a life captured in photographs saddens me, for I did not even have one mere photo to keep as a reminder of my life here. Memories and photographs are some of the few things that never bother to fade. They are only forgotten.

With nowhere to sit but the cold, hard ground, I resort to pacing, something to keep my mind relaxed and open. I focus on breathing in and out as I wait for the visitors that will never come (for why would anyone even bother to check on you, Belle?) Five minutes was all I got, and all I was doing was wallowing in a chamber of self-pity, something that Belle Calloway would never dream of doing. I just wanted to be locked away, anything to save myself from the torture that was to come. The foggy butterflies that flit around in my mind make an appearance, companions which I had feared had fled many years ago, left me abandoned and on my own once again. I watch them dance in my mind, a magical sight, watch them flit about together, the extravagant pinks and blues and indigos and magentas caught in a whirlwind of beauty. They dance to the steady beat of the fluttering wings, and all I can think is that I wish Stella was here to see the show unfold.

Stella. She still wasn’t here, and I knew that time was running out, slipping away from me. The pacing speeds up, in order to match my increasing heartbeat, the worst possible thoughts creeping in, chasing away the beautiful butterfly display. Maybe she’d been taken captive by the Peacekeepers. Had she spoken out? Protested, insisted I stay? What if she’s just forgotten about me? What if I taught her too well, and now she cannot feel anything, even for her own sister? (She’s just like you, Belle.)

What if she’s lost the ability to love?

An explosion, a wall of fire, a whirlwind of rainbow colours. The rush of exhilaration that comes with his kiss astounds me, and even as I’m pulling away I’m longing for more. I can see it in his eyes, the way he sees me, and maybe for once I’m not just some random crazy girl. The thought brings a smile to my lips, and although I’ve never been one for change, I wonder at whether or not change was such a bad thing as I’d thought it was.

A little bit of recklessness never hurt anyone, after all.

Benat speaks a few words, their meaning obvious and his tone very suggestive. To say the rush of excitement that passes through my body is completely unrelated would be lying. It’s hard not to imagine what it would be like lying next to him, and my heart rate quickens as my desire for more throbs, urging me on. I close the remaining gap that stands between us, and I’m so close to him that I can see the heat rush up his face. The thought makes me chuckle slightly, and as we stand together, I bring my hands up and start moving them to the small of his back.

The lock of hair tied neatly around my finger is just the trigger I need to keep my head on track, stopping me from getting carried away. What was I thinking? This wasn’t happening. The reminder of Stella starts a round of shaking, and with clutched fists I push Benat away from me and take a few quick steps backwards. I rack my brain to work through what had just happened, and why I was acting so irrationally. My mind was foggy, and I could hardly make out what I was doing. The fine mist that enveloped me left me feeling dizzy and disorientated. Maybe that was just because of how close we was standing to me.

I’d never been in a situation like this before. Everyone I knew tried to steer clear of me, for fear of what might happen if they got too close. Although the rush of adrenaline was astounding, I didn’t like this much at all.

‘You’re a filthy pig, and you absolutely disgust me. You have no dignity or self-respect!’ I stride back to the other side of the carriage and take a seat on one of the elegantly furnished couches. The food laid out on the tiny silver platters in front of me does not pique my curiosity, and so I sit, scowling at my foolishness and the unfortunate happening that I was going to be stuck with a pig until we got launched into the arena and forced to kill.

The disgust I felt inside, that was not only aimed at Benat, but also at myself, for being so foolish and acting so immaturely, rose from a pit deep within that sat like a demon, weighing me down, making every breath, every step, a struggle. The way I’d acted was, of course, irrational, but when you reach a point in your life that you learn not to care for what others think, what difference does it make that the one person who was able to see past the bitterness and craziness also, in the end, finally sees you for who you truly are?

As I sit in the cozy seat, my mind drifts to the other tributes that are on board the train at this very moment. They too, had families and friends and lives that they’ve left behind, and they, too, will lose it all in the end. Even the Victor never truly goes back to what they used to know. Will they too just see me as another crazy girl, lost in a world of pain, struggling to survive? Or maybe they’ll see me as even less than that, someone so insignificant that they won’t even flinch when they attack, won’t even bother to learn the story of Belle Calloway. The one chance to prove I wasn’t weak, to show who I really was, and I might not even get the opportunity to. Nobody knows who you are when you’re buried six feet under, after all.

As Benat lazily strides over, stretching out on the couch opposite me, he mutters a few inaudible words, calling me names that I’ve heard a million times before, heard so often that they just run off me like water. He was right, though; this place was astounding, and it would only continue to get better, before it got worse. All good things come to an end.

The nosy bastard starts questioning me about my life, who I am, what my problems are, and the corners of my lips turn upwards slightly, the hint of a smile playing, lingering. That’s not for you to know, little boy, I think slowly to myself, casting a quick glance over him before adverting my eyes. ‘You crave attention,’ I say slowly, drawing out each syllable with boredom, ‘but I’m not going to give it to you. You crave acceptance by people who you don’t even know. You put up a façade to hide the feelings inside, but I see right through that mask, the cracks that appear there faint, but still noticeable to someone like me who’s already been broken and forced to repair herself by picking up the pieces and gluing the whole damn mess back together.’ I take a deep breath to calm myself, before continuing. ‘Anywho, I thought I told you not to take anything to heart? My mistake, you’re obviously more thick-headed than I’d originally thought. Good luck surviving the Bloodbath – I reckon it’ll be pretty brutal.’ And giving in to my hunger, I carefully pluck a delicately wrapped chocolate from the silver platter, unwrapping it and popping it into my mouth, letting the chocolately goodness fill me with pleasure and satisfaction.

The ability to read a person does not come easily to those inexperienced and uneducated. When you learn to grow board of the same old sights each day in the fields, you crave more, and amongst the midst of the peculiar happenings of District 11, you come to learn more things than you would have ever thought possible. Reading people is as easy as reading a book, once you know what to look for. Unlimited possibilities of what you could discover intrigue me, and as my curiosity reaches an all-time peak, there is nothing I can do to help myself. Sometimes the best attack is targeting the mind, for it is there that you break down first, the rest coming swiftly after, before you are reduced to a pile of nothing.

When I arrived on the train, I was just a pile of emotions. I couldn’t help myself, the struggle was too much to handle, and I sit here now, already learning to make enemies with someone who is probably going to be the closest person I meet in the time spent here. I’d never meant to hurt him, but maybe after years of being hurt and called a freak and teased and taunted, you eventually give up trying anymore, and before you know it you’re just as bad as them. But I’d always been like that. And yet, the familiar satisfaction that usually came along in a scenario like this did not make an appearance, and immediately I knew that something wasn’t right.

I finish eating the small chocolate, and suddenly, I don’t feel too well. Maybe it was the richness of the chocolate, or maybe something else. I’ll be damned if I believe it’s guilt. As I look over at Benat’s face, a small smile of smugness beginning to linger on my face, I see how drastically his mood has changed, how my words have affected them in more ways than I could ever have hoped. And I feel terrible. And just as I think he won’t utter another word to me, he starts speaking softly, and I hang on to every word he speaks, transfixed. When he’s done, I take a deep breath, and know that I need to set things right.

What I was about to do was not the Belle I wanted to be remembered as.

Hesistantly, I open my mouth, but no words come. As I clear my throat, I try a second time, and my voice rings out, echoing around the small carriage we sit in, lingering in the even smaller space where we are sitting.

‘I haven’t laughed in a long time. So don’t count on that. But maybe talking isn’t that bad, even if it is to a weirdo like you.’ A deep breath. ‘I don’t get invited places – anyone that knows me understands that it’s best to leave me alone. I don’t have any friends, if you could believe it. And by no means am I going to start pouring my heart out to you, but maybe this can help you understand a tiny little bit better.’ Slowly, I get to my feet, wobbly with dizziness and the unease that comes with the fatigue of a tiring day. I shove his feet aside from where they are stretched out on the couch and sit down next to him, look him in the eyes, and start to speak again.

‘I’m weird and strange and fucked up, and to be honest I know for a fact we’re not making it out of there alive. But for now, we both just need someone, and you need to understand that I’m different. Think of it like you’re dealing with a poor, defenceless, emotional child. They’re precious, and you see them and you fall in love with them instantly, despite all their flaws. And I’m sorry the flaws are unpleasant and horrid, but maybe if you could see past them, maybe then we’d be able to get through.’ This much is true, and I knew that from the way he looked at me, there was at least a sliver of admiration in his heart. ‘I’m terrified, too. I don’t show it much, but I think of how bad things may go, and before you know it I can see my body strewn across the arena floor, and there’s nothing I can do about it.’ I sigh slowly, relief washing over me for the first time this whole trip. Looking into his eyes is magical, and I instantly hate myself for feeling so strangely attracted to such a peculiar boy. I move closer, and I’m back to the same girl who entered onto the train only 15 minutes ago, only this time, where recklessness and foolishness had taken control earlier, this time it was more. And I wanted him to know that I wanted him, even if just for tonight, because living in a world where dark is the only light is awfully lonely at the best of times.

Belle Calloway. Loony extraordinaire. Master seductress, troublemaker and heartbreaker. Always gets her way. Because that was the Belle that everybody knew and loved, and as I spoke to Benat, I pushed down the rising feeling of warmth. There was no room for such silly emotions, not now, not ever.

But it never did hurt anyone. And for now, nothing mattered, but us.