Nolie Kaine District 10

I'm small, and weak, no one will fight for me. I'm useless. My bones poke out and threaten to tear my skin if I'm not careful.

I'm always careful.

Mama used to say there was nothing I could do about the way I looked, I can't change my mousy brown hair, and dark emerald eyes. I can't make myself pretty. Not like Abbi, not like my sister.

I'm too tiny. I'm hungry, hungry, always hungry. Mama doesn't have a job. Daddy doesn't bring home much food. My skin is starting to turn yellow, the Peacekeepers say that's from "malnourishment" but they don't want to help me.

I look dead, I feel dead, I am in the arms of death and no one can help me. No one wants to help the mental girl anyways.

If my lips are a ruby red, like I'm so often told, it's because they are chapped beyond repair. They bleed every now and then, not so much now, that the sun's starting to show.

Mama used to call me her little "dear" and it was sweet, my freckles and light brown hair matched a dear perfectly, now I'm just nothing. I'm not pretty. I'm not ugly. I'm just frail.

I'm scared. I'm always scared, Mama doesn't talk much any more. Daddy tells me it's my fault, it's my fault that Mama doesn't talk? What did I do? I don't remember drowning Ben, but they tell me I did. They don't feed me, 'cause I was a bad girl, and bad girl's have to be punished. He deserved it though, if I did do it, he called me "a little bitch" 'cause I smacked him. It's not my fault, he took away my Lola. I've had Lola since I was three.

I like my big sister. Most days, and most days she likes me. As long as I don't touch her stuff. She's 16, and works at Mr. Maxsons farm. I'm not allowed to go there, not since I killed one of the chickens. I just wanted to give 'em a hug, I didn't know you couldn't squeeze so hard. I used to visit all the time, it's lonely without her, I don't go to school no more, and Daddy won't let me be alone with Mama, so I play with Lola until Abbi come's home, and then our imaginations go wild, we pretend we're horses, running free. And not in Panem. Not trapped.

Abbi says that if we lived in the Capitol, I would be better. I asked her what she meant, and she just smiled and said, "You would have the proper medicine to make you work proper." I didn't know I was sick. But I guess, I'm sick, I've been called little retard. Is that a type of sick?

"Monster." After I accidentally killed Ben, people used to call me that. They don't get it though. He took Lola! I couldn't let him take Lola. I didn't mean to push him into the river. I didn't. I didn't. I didn't.

Now Mama won't look at me no more. It makes me sad. I miss her too.

I was born on reaping day, we don't celebrate my birthday, just the reaping. I want to celebrate but Daddy says we don't have enough money for both my birthday and the nice outfits, I'd rather my birthday. Not the reaping day- but I don't wanna make a fuss. When I was born, something went wrong, something about a cord. It cut me. It chocked me. Like a snake. The medicine woman had to unwrap me, I needed a special bed, an incubator I think it's called, but we don't have those here. I'm glad though. Don't want no stupid incubator.

I got bullied a lot in school. Mostly by other students. But other teachers too, they called me stupid and worthless. I get good grades but I don't talk much. I don't like talking, nothing to talk about. Everyone talks about some game. I don't know the game. Something about eating, or hunger. I have to stand with the other girls my age, but I don't like it. They touch me, and they're too close.

The Ben thing gives me nightmares. He calls me a bitch in my dreams, but I don't want to hear so I cover my ears and scream until Abbi helps me, she gives me water and we talk. I don't talk to nobody but Abbi. Nobody listens to me but Abbi. Not Mama or Daddy, I think they're scared of me. But I still can't figure out why.

Abbi says I'm perfect, I've heard her yelling at Daddy, something about a home. She didn't know I was awake, but I was and I heard them. He wants to get rid of me, and Abbi said over her dead body. We fight too much in my house. It's too loud, and Abbi knows, cause when there's a fight she looks for me and Lola. We hide in the tree in the yard, but don't tell, that's Abbi's and my secret.

Nolisha Kaine has severe autism. In a world like Panem you can imagine why this is a problem, as she grows older she begins to deal with more serious problems, like Ben, a boy who tortured her in school that she accidentally killed. Thank God for her older sister Abbi, if it weren't for her, Nolie would be living in a home. Or she would be dead.