bluebell thomas [D2/FIN]

when the days are cold and the cards all fold, when the saints we see are all made of gold
when your dreams all fail and the ones we hail are the worst of all, and the blood's run stale
i want to hide the truth, i want to shelter you, but with the beast inside there's no where we can hide
no matter what we breed, we still are made of greed, this is my kingdom come
this is my kingdom come



Appearance

How would I describe myself? When I see myself I see a strong young woman. I have curves, lots of curves. I might even say I have curves for days. I like saying that. I am proud of my body, I eat well and I stay fit. What else can I say? You would never see my starving myself, I care too much about myself and my children to actually hurt myself. As my body reflects my strong personality, my fierce blonde certainly reflects me as well. It's a bold color, I would say. When it dries it likes to curl at the ends, I never force curls into my hair. I never try and straighten it either. I don't like to cut my hair above my mid-back, I like to keep it like Mamma had it. I only pin it up if it irritates me.

When I look at my face I see my huge, pouty lips and shockingly white teeth in contrast to the powerful red lipstick. Some people say I have a big mouth. I take it as a literal compliment. Others say I wear too much lipstick and I would disagree. It's perfect, just like the rest of my makeup. Who says I cake it on? Well I might. I tend to use lots of mascara and eyeliner, whatever I can get my hands on. It is the only expensive thing I buy. I tend to, after I put on a 'heavy' amount of foundation, accentuate my freckles by dotting on brown powder. I am proud of my skin and my freckles. I keep it looking perfect. Blemishes? Like you would see those!

I will always boast about my posture, I always stand very firm and rigid. I must look like a leader, and standing like a leader is the first step! Of course I look like a leader too. I dress like a lady, but with some style. I would never look old. One thing I do dislike about myself is my fair skin. I never tan, I burn. The sun is my ultimate enemy and my ultimate friend. Sometimes I can literally feel myself sizzling in the heat, while I watch pretty tanned girls walk by. It does frustrate me. I also hate my eye color. I have hazel eyes, which I find ridiculous. I want blue eyes so badly, I would fight for it tooth and claw.

I have pretty big eyes for a girl. I buy fake eyelashes from time to time to make them look even bigger, but I naturally have a doe-eyed look. I am proud of my strong bone structure, but I hate it too. I wish my cheeks were a bit smaller. Is that too much to ask? They look like a bee stung me on my cheeks! Makeup helps of course but I still tend to get envious of my sisters. I tend to wear a scowl on my face. Everyone points it out, but I don't mean to! Then I put on this odd, forced smile which ends up looking like I really need to go to the bathroom. My teeth are very straight. I take pride in my teeth. A lot of girls have ugly, nasty teeth. I have a lot of pity for those girls, because I know that the prettiest thing on a face is a smile. Especially for a crowd.

I run a tight ship. I am a business woman, and I run everything with that attitude. If I cut anyone any slack, someone has to pick it up. That's usually my job. I put myself, and my girls, through strict training and vigorous exercise. No, I do not try and kill them. Yes, I do intend to keep them in shape. People do not pay to see overweight children falling off tight ropes. Well they probably would but that show would fail in about a month. I am an organization freak. If things are not organized I have failed. Everything has a schedule, and everything has a time and a place. Training, eating, breaks, and social outings are all planned out by your's truly. I mean at times I forget or I feel lazy, or sometimes my girls tend to persuade me to change my routines. I don't mind that really at all. I would do anything for them.

I guess a flaw of mine is that I crave attention like it's my life force. I must be in the spotlight, that is clearly why I am the Ringmaster. The light is always on me, I am a star, I am fabulous. I have to know that. Of course my sisters always tell me, but sometimes that isn't enough. One day I want to sign autographs and have my face on posters. Of course to get where I want to be I would have to be a Capitol act, which is impossible. It's not too much to dream about though right? It's silly but I'm super passionate about that kind of thing. Everything I do I put myself in one hundred and ten percent. Why is The Thomas Circus a success? Why because we committed to it of course! My passion backs everything up, but the drive of every girl in this circus is what keeps it running. I love what I do, and I couldn't imagine doing anything else.

When I look at myself, another flaw I pick out is that I act like a spoiled brat. If thing do not go my way I can throw a mean temper tantrum for all of my siblings to witness. I mean it's not really a childish temper tantrum, more of a lot of pacing and muttering and acting furious and such. I don't think it's such a bad thing, after all my siblings must know that I'm not perfect. After all, I own them. Not that they know that quite yet, but they will if they ever try to leave. I am always right, and I am always right about the future and the things that these girls will face in the future. It must be a sixth sense, but I can tell when things are wrong. I am the face of the word 'right'. I tend to make the better decisions of the family. Of course I let them put in their opinion, but I am the mature adult of this band of orphaned kids.

I am the natural born leader of this group, and everyone knows it. I knew Mamma more than any of these girls, and she taught me how to be a good lady. I know what I'm doing. Well... sort of. I am very capable of taking care of my girls and I know what's good for them. I would never put them in an awkward situation, awkward situations are for me and me only. I take care of the ugly business, when a crowd member gets too drunk, or when someone refuses to pay. I am responsible for them, and having this responsibility has taught me how to function without Momma. I can handle anything that life throws at me! Kinda. I know that this all seems like a lot to handle, and it is. I struggle with a bit of depression sometimes. I doubt myself most of the time, and sometimes I cry at night. No one has ever heard me sniffling into my pillow. One has to let their emotions out sometimes!

Our parents were alike and different in many ways. For one, our father was a busy. It wasn't that he wasn't particularly horrible, but compared to our mother he was hardly anything harmless. I will never understand why they loved each other, or why anything came of their relationship at all. My mother was a very loving and tender woman, a little lady with a lot of moral. She brought me up, always patient. I think I may have only been spanked like once because I said something bad... or something. I can't remember, but I think she raised us well because we all adored her and wanted her to love us the most. Of course she loved me the most. I know she did.

She spoiled me, and I soaked it in. If I wanted something, she gave me whatever I wanted. I was exempt from punishment seventy-five percent of the time. I was her Princess Bell, I was the golden child. Of course it was hard work keeping the spotlight on me. I took care of every baby she popped out, sometimes I even cleaned. Blech. Most of the time, though, I was outside playing and enjoying the sun burning me alive. I cared nothing about toys or kissing other little boys on the cheek, I thrived on my mother's attention. I had no eye on my father, I never truly liked him that much. I only loved him because he loved Mamma. That opinion will never change in my mind.

Of course being the perfect child was hard, and a lot of the time I had to explain to my little sisters that just because they weren't punished like me, they were not little devils. I was the strong one, the second mother. Little did I know how much of a mother I would really become. It's funny how horrible things happen so suddenly. My father never gave Mama the attention that she deserved. He was so busy, sometimes he disappeared for long periods of time. Mamma never told us where he went, but she would act so troubled. I never really felt the loss. The only loss I felt was the lack of attention I was getting from my grief-stricken mother. I look back on it and cringe. I know I should've appreciated her more, I should have told her I loved her a lot.

Well Momma disappeared. We don't know where she went, I just woke up one morning and went to her bedroom and it was made up all nice and neat like it always was. The problem was that she wasn't in the kitchen making breakfast for us like every morning. I rubbed my bleary eyes, waited for an hour until my siblings woke up, and decided to go ahead and make breakfast. From then on I made every meal. Mother never showed up. She had been crying a lot so I had so many horrible thoughts running through my mind. But I know she's alive, I know it. Unfortunately she has never decided to come back, and until she does I'm raising my sisters. I took responsibility into my own hands at such a young age. I am proud of myself.

I was only thirteen then, and I struggled to keep any money coming in. I sold some valuable things, anything I could find in the house that we didn't need. I left my mother's room untouched, no one was allowed to go in except me. I was her favorite, I kept it dusted every day. Sometimes I would run my hand along the dip in the bed and think of how my mom slept there every night. Well... I was rather obsessed with her. Anyway when I started considering prostitution at the age of fifteen I knew that I needed a good idea and fast. My little sisters came up with the idea of a circus. At first I wrinkled my nose at the idea, but soon I would lay my head down at night and think about all of the beautiful things we could create, and all of the money.

We've been running a successful circus ever since. The Thomas Circus is a big hit, and we keep money flowing pretty well. I reckon that Mamma will be proud of us when she comes back. I do think that she will come back. She wouldn't abandon us. She loved us! Until then I play Mother, and one day maybe we'll have a father figure too. Better than our actual dad. I really hope it's not soon, I don't have time for that sort of thing.