Re: Mizar Roxen D4 Done!

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

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I sit on the beach with a piece of paper, a pen, and a bottle. My mind races unsure of what to do or say. Tears run down my face. I sit on the sand crossing my legs Indian style. I lay the paper down on my legs. My hand starts moving before I realize what I'm writing.

To my dearest sister, Muscinda,

I'm sitting at the beach staring at my reflection in the ocean waters. My broken reflection stares back at me with painful eyes. My hair falls right below my shoulders. It's extremely curly. I hate the curls because on hot, humid days, my hair frizzes beyond belief. I look like a lion it frizzes out so much. My almond shaped, brown eyes glow in the water. I look at them, and the tears automatically start forming in my eyes. Our eyes were the same. Our eyes matched, along with several other features, but everyone always commented our eyes gave away the obvious answer of us being twins. My dark brown, bushy eyebrows off little protection to my eyes from the sun. I believe they were supposed to protect my eyes, but that never happened. My nose matches our mother's nose. It goes hidden on my face until the nostrils are noticeable. (That could be caused by the waves in the ocean though.) My pink lips never touch when my face is relaxed. They are always open a bit revealing my white teeth. My teeth are slightly stained yellow. I've tried brushing them over and over, but the yellow won't fade away. "Muscinda, I'm sorry." My voice is soft, and gentle. Innocence covers the mask of how I truly feel. I'm broke inside. I'm broken all over. I try to not let the sorrow spill over in my voice, but it's hard to do.

You've been gone for three years. I was fifteen when you left. Turning eighteen sucked. I'll never forget that day. It always haunts me in my dreams. I was only three when it happened, but I remember it clearly. You see, I don't know if you remember it or not. I know that I don't want to remember what happened, but I'm trapped. I relive your last breath every night. The dream starts out like it did the night it happened, and I wish it would go away. I wish it never happened, but it did, and I miss you more and more each day. You were never supposed to die before me. I was the oldest. I was supposed to go first. I know I was only older than you by three minutes, but I still believe I was supposed to die before you. I was supposed to protect you, but I failed. I hate myself for it. I wish I could go back in time and change what happened, but I can't change the past. I don't know if I would want to bring you back into this world where you could end up dying for all of Panem to see. I don't think it's worth it because now you are free. I don't know why I'm writing this, and I doubt I'll ever know why, but I need a way to escape. I need to talk to you. I need to relieve that day one more time, and you were there, so I'm hoping you can help me.

It all started on a beautiful Saturday morning. We were taking a break from training at the facility. I wish we could have gone training instead. You might still be here with me. I talked you into going to the beach with me after an hour of arguing. You wanted to go training, but I didn't want to go training. I knew that if you went training, I would have to go too. I was being selfish. I didn't want to train for the games because I hated the games. I never wanted to be in the games. I didn't like the idea of having to fight to the death against twenty-three others in front of Panem. I didn't want to have the honor of representing District four. I didn't have what it took, but you did. "Mizar, can we please just train today?" You begged me to go training, but out of my selfishness, I decided against it. I turned you away from training because I didn't like the idea of you or me possibly dying. But you died anyway because of me. "Muscinda, you don't get it. I don't like training. I don't want to fight. I just want to go to the beach and swim. I want to swim in the waves that crash upon the shore. Please can we go?" My voice was full of innocence. I even used the puppy dog eyes, and you gave in. "Yeah alright. Let's go to the beach. We can fish while we are there."

I had won. I had a smile on my face. It was the first time I ever convinced you to do something. You always convinced me. It's possible you agreed on purpose, but I'll never know because you aren't here for me to ask. We walked out of the house. I had a huge grin on my face. I smiled from ear to ear. My long, brown hair blew gently as the wind blew. You smiled at me. It was a small smile, and I could tell you weren't happy, but you went with me. "Mizar, I don't know if this is the best idea." You started second guessing yourself. You wanted to go training, but I didn't want to train. I hated training. I would prefer if I've never trained. Weapons don't belong in my hands. I always felt awkward about it, but I went for you. "Muscinda, you promised we could go to the beach. You promised, but if you want to train go ahead. I'll go to the beach by myself." I started to walk away from you because I didn't want to see you. I just wanted to go to the beach, but I ended up stopping in mid-step. I heard you running up behind me to catch me. I didn't have to turn to see you running. I heard your feet colliding with the ground. "Fine, we can go to the beach, but tomorrow we go back to training."

I had won again. I could tell by your voice that you weren't happy with me. You wanted to train, you didn't want to go to the beach, but you decided to go to the beach with me because I never fought about going training with you. It was supposed to be a good day. It was supposed to be one of the best day of my life because I wasn't going to train, but it turned upside down faster than I can count to ten. We walked side by side down the abandon streets. The sun was just starting to peak over the horizon. It was a hot, humid day before the sun rose all the way in the sky. It was going to make a great day for swimming. (Swimming as a fun way to relieve stress.) You walked by my side all the way to the beach. We talked about everything from handsome guys to ugly girls to the tributes that were in the arena. You were grateful neither of us were reaped. I was excited because I didn't have to place those awkward weapons in my hand. I don't think I could kill anyone if I tried. "Muscinda, thank you for coming with me to the beach. I appreciate you taking the day off training to spend time with me." My voice was quiet and full of innocence. I wanted you to realize that I really appreciated you coming with me. "You are welcome. Remember tomorrow we train. No ifs, ands, or buts. That's my only agreement." Your voice cut right through me.

I felt like a sword pierced my chest stabbing my heart. All I could do was nod my head. "Tomorrow we train." I muttered silently under my breath because I didn't want you to hear me. The rest of the trip was made in silence. I was afraid to talk about how excited I was. I wanted to share with you, but I was afraid you'd end up mad at me because you didn't want to go to the beach. I was afraid of you. You were so much stronger than me. You trained harder than I did. I was afraid of what the training was turning you into. I was becoming a different person, but I was going to put that behind me so we could have fun. We walked past everyone that was heading towards a destination. Some were going to go fishing while others were going to go to work. They bumped into us knocking us all over the place. They were controlling us sending us spiraling in the direction the wanted us to go. Shoulders bumped as we walked through the crowds. People scolded us for running into them, but it was mostly their fault. "Watch where you are going!" One guy yelled at us when I accidentally ran into him. He stopped in front of me, and I wasn't paying attention. You turned to face me and cracked up laughing. "Better pay attention Mizar." You laughed.

After walking for a half an hour, we finally reached the beach. My heart danced inside my chest as butterflies danced in my stomach twisting my insides. I was like a five year old in a candy store. The roaring of the waves as they crashed upon the shore made me feel alive. I ran up towards the beach as fast as I could go. I wanted to dive into the waves and swim forever. (I would have swam far away into the ocean if I knew what laid at the other side.) I stopped before I jumped in. I turned to face you. You were standing in the same place I left you. You stood there froze, and it scared me. I wasn't sure what was happening to you. "Muscinda, are you alright?" I ask quietly because I didn't want to upset you. "I-I-I'm f-f-f-fine." You stuttered. I could read your body. You were afraid. Maybe it would have been best to just go training. You weren't comfortable at the beach. "Are you sure?" I questioned. I didn't want you to do anything you weren't comfortable with, but you had me train. I wasn't comfortable training, but I did it for you. "I'm fine! I swear I'm fine. Stop asking me if I'm okay! Just go swimming. I'll be ready in a moment!" I cringed at the sound of your voice. It was harsh, but I knew to back away.

I jumped into the water and started swimming around. The water was warm. I was able to finally feel alive. I dove through the waves swimming under the water holding my breath for a long time. (Mother always worried I would never come up.) The water ran through my hair causing the curls to flatten out, and my hair would stick to my face. I surfaced out of the water. You were still standing in the same spot. Your eyes filled with fear. Your face was pale as can be. I could see your hands shaking slightly at your side, but I still begged you to join me in the water. "Are you going to stand there? You should get in the water! It feels great!" You stared off at the water. I tried to follow your gaze, but I couldn't see anything. I was blinded by the waves crashing down around me. "Muscinda?" I asked again. I was worried something was severely wrong with you, but I wasn't sure what to do. "Yeah. I'm coming in now." I dove back under the water swimming around with my eyes open. I could see the fish swimming along with me. "You could be a fish as much as you swim." I remember mother always telling this to me. I feel it's true because when I'm in the water I feel free. The fish swam away from me when I approached them. I was trying to be gentle, but something spooked them.

I surfaced again to see you walking in the water. You were shaking all over. I regret forcing you to go with me. I slowly swam over to you, but you moved away from me. You didn't want me to be near you for some reason. Anger surged through my veins. I tried to control myself, but it was hard. My heart pounded under my chest echoing in my head. My hands shook at my side in fists. I lunged towards you, but you started to swim away from me. I followed you, but you never looked back at me. "Muscinda what's wrong with you?" My voice was full of rage. I tried to keep it calm, but it slipped through. I immediately regretted speaking to you. I knew it was just going to slap me across the face. "Mizar, you ruin everything! Why can't you just stop following me? I want to swim away into the depths of the ocean." You knocked me down. The waves swept under my feet sending me crashing. My heart dropped. I ruin everything. I ruin everything. I really messed up. Tears formed in my eyes. They silently to fall down my face. "Oh, okay." You swam away from me. You swam towards the open ocean. I just stared at you. I didn't have it in me to follow after you. I didn't want to ruin anything else. Maybe you'd still be here if I chased after you.

You were gone before I could do anything about it. You left me! You ran away from me! I don't know what happened! You didn't want me to follow you, so I didn't. I wanted to follow after you, but I could be dead too. Your body was never found. It was just assumed you are dead. I have some hope that you might still be alive, but mother doesn't want me to believe it. It's been three years. So much has changed since you swam away. I've changed a lot. I'm not the quiet, innocent girl I once was. I train for the games in honor of you. I focus hard on training because I want to keep your memory alive. You live inside of me. "Muscinda, if you are still alive, please give me a sign. It is only assumed you are dead because nobody never found your body. Did you find an escape from Panem? Did you find a world where we don't have to worry about the games? Did you find freedom? Or are you really dead?" The last thing you said to me was I ruin everything. I ruined your life, and you are gone now. Are you really gone? I never wanted to believe you were gone, but it's been three years, and I believe you are really dead. I miss you Muscinda. "I wish you were here with me. I'm sorry I messed up. Please forgive me." I mutter silently under my breath.

Your sister,
Mizar

I fold the letter up and place it in the bottle. I seal the bottle shut, and I throw the bottle as hard as I can into the ocean. Rest in peace Muscinda. I miss you so much.

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Lyrics: My Immortal by Evanescence
Codeword: oDair

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