Sour Strawberry Cheeks {:Axel:}

Riley Everfield
The pain of my body isn't as great as the pain of my heart

I could almost feel my anger pouring out of me, radiating forth from my small frame. I meant every word that I had said, about how I hated him, he had taken away everything from me now...including my virginity. I had probably already served my purpose to him, another girl lured in by his, charm and good looks, promise that he loved them and cared about them. I was another trophy that he could brag about, I could picture now the words he would say about luring in the girl with the flaming red hair. I could tell by the look in his eyes that his patience was wearing thin, and that it was me that was causing his patience to disipate like this. Why he had any reason to feel that way though made me feel even more angry. Where I didn't want this marriage or to even be in this house with him he did want to be married and be in this house with me. I couldn't do it though, I couldn't bring myself to forgive or love this boy for what he had done.

When he just looked at me and simply told me I had the worst memory ever I didn't understand what he meant...and maybe that was were the problem was. I could barely remember last night past walking into the...where was it that I had been...I remember walking into the house and looking around, and than the rest is just a blur. Pounding and screaming and than a warm embrace, words that calmed a wild and torn heart, but were they his words and his voice...or had I just imagined it all. Forcing myself to gaze back at him I continued to burn in my own hatred, looking at him served to make that hatred burn even deeper. How he could even look me in the eyes the way he was I don't know, and he still clung to the story that he cares about me and wouldn't hurt me. I couldn't bring myself to believe him though, I just...I couldn't do it.

Everything would have been okay if he had just walked out of the room at that moment though. I may have been more willing to forgive him, but than he had to go and say something more...he told me I needed to get dressed. A deep blush rose to my cheeks and I looked down at the shirt I was wearing...the only thing I was wearing aside from my underwear. Than I looked at him, the blush still evident on my cheeks, with such hatred I hoped that he could feel how much it was that I hated him, how much I wanted him to go away from me. Underneath it all though I realized something looking at him...that he hadn't done anything with me...he hadn't taken off my clothes or his own. I didn't regret though, my words still rang true, I did hate him because he had still slept in the same bed with me while I had nothing more than one of his shirts on. Now all I needed him to do was prove to me without a doubt that he hadn't done anything with me, or taken advantage of me.

He seemed to know what it was I wanted from him; a light of recognition...or was it hope, flashed into his eyes. He stepped into the room and closer to me but he didn't touch me, and I felt a twinge of disapointment when his hand didn't reach out to caress my face. Shaking away the feeling though I listened to what he had to say, willing myself to give him another chance, let him defend himself from my accusations. He told me how everything he did was because he was afraid that I would hurt myself last night and that he had tried to remove my arms from him, but I clung to him, it was everything I've heard before and just part of another story. Why couldn't I remember it though, I couldn't remember the events of last night, it was all just a bunch of shadows blurring together. I could remember a voice comforting me and trying to calm me as I felt like my world was coming to pieces...could it have been him...could his story be true.

Letting out a breath of exasperation I waited for him to leave the room and spun around sifting through the draws in the room for something suitable to wear. As perfectly as if all of this had truly been planned I found a white dress in one of the top draws of the bureau and held it up to my thin frame...a perfect fit. Unbouttoning the shirt and taking it off I looked at it one more time and held it close to my heart, and than slipped the dress over my shoulders and let it fall down to mid thigh. Than spinning around I stalked out of the room and into the larger living area and looked briefly at Ashton as he sat on the floor on a blanket. Suddenly the events of the previous night hit me like a weight, and I held my head and leaned against the wall as it alll came rushing back to me.

He had held me, I had held onto him not wanting the warmth of his body to leave me as he tried to lay me in the bed...alone. He hadn't tried to fight me and I didn't want him to, he just kept my arms around him as he lay down in the bed beside me. A feeling of guilt washed over me and I couldn't stand to look at him on the floor, blindly I groped along the wall until I reached a chair in the room, and than I sat down. I felt tears forming in my cheeks as I tried to look anywhere but at Ashton, but my eyes found him once more and they began to fall freely down my cheeks. Carefully I reached out my hand towards Ashton and let it brush lightly against his cheek, agianst the scars that I had made on him.

I let out a gasping sob as they traced along his chin, and suddenly I couldn't take it anymore, I had to run away. Looking at him directly in the eyes I whisper in a barely audible voice to him...the words he deserved to here. "I'm sorry...and I don't deserve you...you need someone who can make you happy" Jumping up from the chair I charge at the door, tearing it open I run out of the house without looking back. I had meant what I said, he needed to forget about me and I about him. He didn't understand and he never would, he could never understand what I've been through, that I could never love him...or anyone.

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Riley Everfield
Test words here.

I didn't look back, I couldn't look back, if I had looked back than I know I would have run back into the house and into Ashton's arms asking him to forgive me. I couldn't do that to him or myself though, I would have to explain to him why I we couldn't be married and why I was afraid of him, and everything for that matter. I had only ever loved someone once before, and my parents had told him he could never see me again, and I could never see him again. It had devastated me and torn my heart to pieces, and I felt that I would never be able to recover from that broken heart. My father and mother had hit me until each bruise covering my body seemed to be a physical maifestation of the pain and marks that were written across my heart. As I thought about that day I felt the pain coursing through my body, as I remembered each blow that fell upon my thin frame. Slowly tears began to form in my eyes as I ran, running away from my memories and Ashton.

I didn't stop running or slow down until I came up to the walk of my house and looked up at the suddenly imposing frame of the building I called home. What I wouldn't give now to be in the warm embrace of Ashton in that cabin in the woods. Even though I was afraid of him I had more fear for my own parents than anyone in the world, parents who wanted me to marry someone I could never love for their own social status. Slowly and carefully I walked up the cobblestone path to the door, before I opened it I took a deep breath preparing myself for the pain that would inevitably come when they heard what had happened. Letting the breath out slowly I turned the doorknob and walked into the house to find both my mother and my father standing angrily in the front hall. They knew...somehow they already knew what had happened...or had they just guessed because I was home so early.

Dropping my gaze to the floor I began to nervously twist the hem of the white dress I had put on at Ashton's home. I didn't move and there was no sound other than the quiet tick tock of the clock that hung on the wall beside me. Than finally my father cleared his throat and I winced as I realized this would be terrible for me...he would make me never forget what I had done...how I had humiliated him. "Riley...care to explain why you are home so early...or should I just tell you what conclusion that your mother and I came to when we saw you walking up the street. Infact don't even bother to tell us because we already know and it would be a waste of your breath to say anything." His voice was to quiet and terrible, it was times like this that I knew he would beat me long and hard. I didn't have much time to gather my thoughts or prepare for what happened next though.

My father lunged at me and grabbed hold of my arm, squeezing it so tight I felt like the bone would brake under his powerful grip. His powerful voice reverberated around the room as he yelled at me, and I felt the warm tears beginning to streak down my cheeks. "Riley you are a disgrace to this family, one thing, just ONE thing that your mother and I asked of you, to marry Ashton. Is it so hard for you to just do this one thing for us, you stupid foolish girl? If you had been a son, or at least a daughter we could be proud of...oh how different it would be, but no, we have a daughter who is scared of her own shadow. You couldn't even spend one night with the boy before you came running back home. WELL, WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY, OR ARE YOU JUST TO STUPID TO SAY ANYTHING AT ALL."

I knew it was coming before I felt it, the back of his hand slapping across my face causing a burst of colors to flash in my eyes. My concious was quickly fading away as his hand came back across my face, but I knew he wouldn't let me faint, not yet, not until he had truly made me feel weak. He gripped me in both of his hands and shook me violently and my focus returned only to be aware of his hands gripping me tighter, leaving behind five red marks on each arm. Inevitably they would bruise just as they always did, a constant cycle of bruises and pain that I couldn't escape. I let out a sharp cry of pain and I swear I caught a small smile on my father's face...a look of enjoyment. My mother did nothing as my father beat me, she stood by and watched as her daughter was left bruised and beaten. I felt tears once more forming in my eyes and they spilled forth, rolling down my cheeks, and my body began to shake as I stood there nearly crumbling to the floor.

My father didn't allow it though, of course he didn't, he held me up in his arms and dragged me towards me room. This was where it would end, this would be the climax of the beating. He opened the door and slammed it shut behind him, throwing me onto the bed he closed the blinds in the room and brought his hand down on my thin frame. At first I could hear my own screams piercing through the room, but soon I bit down on my pillow to both stifle my screams and make the pain more bearable. Than suddenly I blacked out...the sweet release of slipping out of conciousness was granted to me.

~l~l~l~l~l~l~l~l~l~l~l~l~l~l~l~l~

It had been a week, a full week since the events of that day when I woke up in that bed with Ashton. SInce I had returned home to be beaten by my father until I fell unconcious. The bruises were still fresh on my body from each blow that he had dealt to me, and my body felt tender to the touch. It hurt me to even slip that white dress on over my body when I woke up this morning, the dress I had learned I would wear to my marriage ceremony at Ashton's home. My parents hadn't spoken one word to me since that first day I had returned home, but today, the day of the wedding was different. Their words weren't words of comfort though, they were threats, threats about what they would do if I didn't marry Ashton. Some were well hidden among phrases while others were meant to instill within me a sense of fear...and they worked.

I would explain what I was feeling in my heart right now, but it would be impossible for me to explain in words. I was afraid, for myself, what it would mean once the ceremony was complete and I would be married to a man I didn't love. I was scared of what Ashton would say or do to me when he saw me again after I had run away from him. Would he still love me or would he hate me now, would I be marrying a man who would hate me and beat me like my father did? Than his family, they had to know what had happened between us at the shack, that I had run away. I couldn't do it, I couldn't marry him or even bring myself to walk through the front door of his home. What choice did I have though, I had no freedoms or even the will to fight anymore...at least not yet. My father would be able to force me out of the house, but once we reached Ashton's home than I would be able to make my escape.

I applied makeup to my face and arms to cover the bruises that shown purple and black, my trophies and reminders of who I belonged to. And once I was finished I walked out of my room and down the hall past my parents who stood silently waiting for me. Nary a word passed between us as we walked to Ashton's house, a grand house that stood tall and proud among so many of the poorer people around him. Once we reached the door I felt a fresh wave of panic taking hold of me, and the urge to run became so great I began to calculate my chances of getting away from my father, and eventually out of the district entirely. It wasn't to be though, before I could make up my mind the door opened and we were greeted with a smile and kind words My parents were lead where the guests were waiting and my arms were taken by two young women and I was lead towards the hall that would act as the "aisle" for our marriage. It was than that panic finally set in and I began to struggle, twisting my arms out of their grasp only to find them pushing me unwillingly down the hall. I couldn't do it, I wouldn't do it, I will not marry a man that I don't love.

Than I caught sight of him coming down the hall towards me, and I felt the myself beginning to lose conciousness. How had I allowed this to happen, why couldn't I be stronger, why wasn't I a real Career? Suddenly my view was blocked by a muscular form and I felt a rough hand grab my jaw and force me to look them in the eyes. "You will not ruin this day you horrible little girl, this day is for Ashton, marking a great moment for him. I will not have some brat from the poor part of this district messing things up." I stared defiantly at him until he brings his hand back and than across my face. His hand wipes away some of the makeup that had so carefully covered one of the bruises on my face letting it be open for all to see. Only than did I lower my gaze, finally giving in to defeat and despair, despair for the life that I may be about to enter as soon as those words were spoken..."I do".

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Riley Everfield
The pain of my body isn't as great as the pain of my heart

My face stung where my father had brought his hand down upon me, and I could feel tears beginning to form in my eyes as the pain and sadness gripped at my heart. I couldn't do this, my father hated me for not being the daughter that he had wanted, for not being a son he could be proud of. I wasn't anyone to be proud of, a girl who was so fragile and weak that she couldn't properly lift one of the training swords, a girl so clumsy she couldn't do housework. I was a mistake, someone or something that shouldn't even exist, the life force that was within me would have been better spent on someone else, but no, here I was standing before my father who looked at me with those cold eyes. He knew I wouldn't disobey him, he knew that I feared him and what he would do if I didn't marry Ashton. I felt myself weakening as I stood under the withering gaze of my father, and I was sure that I would collapse to the floor at any moment.

I had not time though, I felt rather than saw someone or something come between my father and I, a familiar presence, one I had not felt for over a week. It was Ashton, had he seen my father strike me, did he see through the facade of makeup that I had applied so carefully to hide my bruises? The way he stood between us, protectively...like a lover gave me the answer I needed. He had seen everything, he had been granted a glimpse of my life, a life of abuse and sorrow. I felt a series of emotions burning within me, shame, sadness, and anger all rolling around making me feel sick. He shouldn't have seen it, and I knew by the look of controlled anger on my father's face that he was caught off guard by the sudden appearance of the boy I would soon call my husband. A challenge flashed in my father's eyes as both he and Ashton had a silent clash of wills...he was daring Ashton to challenge his rights as a father...and Ashton did nothing.

I wanted to run, I wanted to hide, I needed to go somewhere far away from here, away from Ashton and my father. I wanted to run back home and into my room, lock the door behind me, and bury my face in a pillow letting the tears that wanted to break free spill down my cheeks. I was afraid...so very afraid...and I felt cold, when Ashton took me from the grips of the two women who had held me and tried to put his arm through mine I pulled away from him...scared of anyone touching me right now. I had to put on a good show though, I was supposed to play the part of a happy bride. So when his hand moved to mine, enclosing my hand in his, I did not pull away, I simply let him guide me along the hallway, my tears carving a path through the makeup I had put on. Everything had become unravelled, my world was coming down around me and I was watching it happen as if I was an outside force. I jumped slightly when Ashton leaned down and whispered what was probably meant to be words of comfort to me, but only served to make me want to collapse as if the weight of the world was on my shoulders. He couldn't tell me everything would be okay, I knew the truth of it all, that everything would not be okay...not so long as my father lived and I was going to be the wife of a boy I didn't even know.

I nodded though, a sad little nod that was barely noticeable to anyone who would bother to look at the small red haired girl standing next to the imposing frame of Ashton. The preacher began to read off of the manuscript before him, one of the longest writings I had ever endured, longing for it to end. Than suddenly it was over and the time came for me to respond with those fatefull words..."I do". Suddenly I found myself wishing that there was more to the manuscript, that he would never have finished and I would never have to say those words. I knew it wouldn't happen, and I knew that the few people that had come were holdling a collective breath waiting for me to say those words. "I-I-I...d-d-do", I had said it, like putting a pen on paper and signing my life away to someone else, I had promised before those that had come today that I would be Ashton's wife...an unwilling wife.

Than I felt his warm touch on the back of my neck and his other angling my face up towards him, towards his lips. I felt his lips press gently into mine causing a warm tingle to spread through my body, I felt like that curtain that was separating the two of us had been lifted. Before I could even wrap my mind around anything I felt myself moving into the kiss, pressing my lips into his, never wanting this to end because even though all these years I had been alive, I had never felt this "alive". This wasn't to last though...it couldn't...I didn't love him, what I loved was merely the idea of having someone to take care of me. He said he loved me and would take care of me but he didn't even know me...what he loved was not the real me...he loved what had been told to him. Pulling my lips away from his I turned away so he couldn't see the look on my face, and I dropped my gaze to the floor. The symbol of our marriage was complete, the words and action had been completed, the ceremony was finished...I was now married to Ashton.

Neither of us had much time to think about it before he took my hand and began to lead me back down the hallway we had come from. I didn't understand what was happening, and I walked along with him numbly until he said the words "follow me", as if I was holding him back. I didn't want to follow him though, the last time I had followed him I had wound up in a cabin alone with him and slept with him. I felt a momentary wave of panic surge through me, but I felt his hand give mine a reassuring squeeze and I allowed myself to be led down the hall. Gently he pulled me infront of him and motioned for me to step into the room, and he followed closely behind, closing the door behind him. I had never seen a room like this, books lined the walls all around me, like a library, and two chairs sat around an empty fireplace. I stood in the middle of the room trying to take in all that I saw, but there was no chnace before I felt Ashton's hand on my cheek. It hovered over the bruise on my cheek, than followed the trail of bruises to my collarbone and shoulder till he had traced around every bruise on my arm.

I wanted to pull away from him, do anything but be here letting him look at how truly fragile I was. His gaze was kind, but I could see an anger burning behind them, an anger that frightened me...that reminded me of my father. Finally he let go of my hand gently placing it back at my side before spinning around and beginning to pace around the room. I in turn walked over to one of the chairs next to the fireplace and buried my face into the side of it. I was tired but sleep wouldn't come to me, to release me from all of my pain, guilt, and sorrow. I could do nothing but sob into the chair as Ashton paced angrily around the room...he was so much like my father right now that I wanted to scream. Finally he come over to the chair and stood a foot away from me, a pleading look on his face...no deeper than that...his eyes said everything I needed to know.

He wanted me to stay here, he was granting me a chance to get away from my father. He truly had seen it all, seen how my father beat me, and he had simply put two and two together and realized that I was covered in all the marks left behind by my father. I lifted my tear stained face up to look at him, longing to throw my arms around him and tell him to hold me close and never let go. All I could manage was one sentence, one little sentence that I hoped would register the gratitude I had for him in my heart."A-A-Ashton...I w-w-will stay with you t-t-tonight...t-t-thank you."Without another word I buried my face back into side of the chair, and he took that as his sign to rejoin the guests. I knew he would cover for me, that I would have no reason to join the festivities or listen to the congratulations of the people. When I heard the door click shut I let out one last choked sob and sat up trying to regain my composure.

When I had finally gotten my breathing back to normal I got up from the chair and slipped out of the room. I looked down the hallway I had walked down and than at the other two hallways that branched off to my left and right. This would be my home now, for better or worse I needed to learn more about this place that would be my new home. I walked off to the left, opening every door along the way and peeking inside before closing the doors behind me. Finally I reached a room that could only be Ashton's room, so plain and yet so beautiful in its simplicity. I walked in and ran my hand over every object I found, leaving nothing untouched or unseen, this would now be OUR bedroom...Ashton and I would eventually sleep together in this room...as husband and wife. Suddenly I felt so tired, all of my sobbing and worry had taken it's toll on me, and I took to searching for something to change into. Just as before everything seemed to already be waiting for me, as if this whole marriage had been planned far in advance. A pair of sleeping shorts and a tight fitting tank top waited in one of the draws of the bureau, and grabbing them I shrugged the straps of the dress off my shoulders.

It slipped to the floor and I put the pair of shorts on over my pale, bruised legs. Than I undid the straps of my bra before slipping the tank top on over my torso. When I looked at my reflection I saw a little child with a small thin frame, covered in bruises, with the lines of dried tears streaking my cheeks. Letting out a sigh I walked over to the bed and collapsed onto it, welcoming it's warm embrace as the plush pillows and warm blankets incircled me. This day would go down as the longest day I had ever lived through, a day where I had gone through the full circle of emotions that a human being could go through. It came to me quickly, like a tidal wave, enveloping me in it's dark embrace, and I let myself get taken away by the pull of the tide, off to sleep.

~l~l~l~l~l~l~l~l~l~l~l~l~l~l~l~l~l~l~l~l~

I woke to the sound of screaming, and I began to panic until I realized that it was my own scream that I was hearing. My sleep had been peaceful until that moment when I was being taken away from this place, from Ashton, by my father. He was so angry, I had refused him what he wanted to the most, to grant him a grandchild, someone that could make him proud. I was being dragged home where he would beat me...he had dragged me into my room, his fist raised to strike me, than I woke up. I looked around the room letting the final traces of my scream echo around me, and my eyes settled on Ashton sitting at the foot of the bed. I threw myself at him, throwing my arms around his neck and sobbing into his shirt, I needed him, he was here, he would hold me. I felt his arms wrap around me and he began to run his hand through my hair, and while he did I began to speak to him, or whispering would be a more accurate term.

A-A-Ashton, I was being taken away...m-m-my father was taking me away...he was going to beat me. H-h-he's ashamed of me, since I was only eight y-y-years old he's been beating on me. I-I-I couldn't give him what he wanted...a-a-a child he could be proud of. H-h-he wanted someone w-w-who could fight like a Career...b-b-but I couldn't give him that. M-m-my own mother...s-s-she has said she regrets m-m-me...t-t-that I'm nothing but a f-f-failure. I can't help her around the h-h-house like most girls, I just b-b-break everything. This whole marriage...i-i-it has been set up by them...they wanted s-s-something from me...something they could be proud of. I c-c-can't give that to them though...I-I-I'm just to young...I'm not ready." Than I realized what I was doing, what I was saying, I had betrayed my own feelings, I had told him to much about myself...and about my family. I began to cough as my tears began again with a renewed vengeance, and breaking away from Ashton I threw myself into the sheets burying my face into a pillow.

I felt the weight of Ashton's body lifting from the end of the bed, and I heard him say something to me, muffled by the pillows and blankets around me. I didn't turn around or move, I just continued to sob into the pillow hoping that sleep would overtake me soon. This time though it refused to lead me away before I was reduced to merely a fraction of myself. I got up from the bed and walked into the bathroom, and leaning over one of the sinks let my body collapse with from exhaustion and sadness. I got up only once to throw up into one of the sinks and wash my mouth and it away. Finally I felt worn out and broken, I literally crawled out of the bathroom and back into the bed, and this time sleep came to my quickly...but I wish it hadn't. My sleep was riddled with nightmares, my greatest fears and nightmares coming together to strike out at me. It was as if my own mind wished to tear me apart and leave me weak and defeated.

I woke up with a start, sweat dripping down my forehead, my body felt like it had been beaten and my throat felt torn to shreds...I must have been screaming again in my sleep. I sat up in the bed and drew my knees up to my chest, rocking back and forth I tried to get a hold of myself. But every shadow I saw, every sound I heard made me jump in terror, I thought it would be my father or someone else coming to take me away, to beat me. I couldn't live like this, I needed someone or something to help me right now. Walking over to the door I quietly opened it up and slipped out, not bothering to close it behind me, and I walked down the dark hallway, my feet barely making a sound on the plush rug. When I emerged from the hallway I found myself back in the spacious livingroom, and my eyes fell on the sleeping frame of Ashton on the couch.

He had told the truth, he was sleeping alone in here, leaving his room to me...but now...now I didn't want to be alone. I krept over to the couch and ran my hand through his hair and along his cheek before I leaned in and gently kissed him. Just looking at him I felt safer, like all of my nightmares and night terrors would dissipate as long as he was near me. Carefully I lifted his arm and crawled into the small space between him and the edge of the couch. My small frame fit easily into that space, and I dropped his arm over my shoulder, wrapping it tightly around me. I would never admit it to his face, or even admit that I had come here of my own choice to him...but I loved him...and I needed him. He could make me feel safe where no one else could, his touch alone was enough to drive away the demons of my mind. As long as he was here with me I was safe, and those were the thoughts that swirled through my head as my eyes slowly closed and once more I let sleep take its hold on me.

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