:: innocent eyes :: Mikhail Day 5 ::
Aug 13, 2013 7:51:03 GMT -5
Post by k!ah on Aug 13, 2013 7:51:03 GMT -5
[th][atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,0,true][atrb=width,500,true][atrb=style, background-color: 322836; border-right:6px solid 5C5549; border-left:6px solid 5C5549; border-top:0px solid 5C5549; border-bottom:0px solid 5C5549;]Do you remember when you were 7? |
Finally the screams and shouts around me were gone. I was on my own- truly alone in this world. Isn’t that what I had wanted? To be alone- to get my mind straight. Ever since the feast had started I had wanted to be on my own. I remember the way my thoughts had raced through my mind- telling me that killing these people- these people who clung onto their life as though it was the only thing worth holding on too. I remember how fiercely I had wanted to rip the life away from Andy… I had told myself that I only wanted to do it to help them, to help him find the people who he loved… but now- In this dead silence… I don’t know what to believe. I feel as though my mind is taking me in circles, endless circles that seem to have no end.
Sucking in my tears I fall to the ground, tucking my knees close to my chest. Silently the tears ran down my cheeks, turning my dark skin even darker. I hated the way my body always seemed to want to break down. Every time I am on my own I break- tears slide down my face and I am reminded of why I am here. Before- this morning- I had truly believed that I was here to kill everyone- to take their lives away from them, which had been my mission… But now? Now I am not too sure. My whole life seems to be a mess, my mind running from one deadly thought to another. [color=[898991]How am I still sane? How am I still managing to think straight?
Hugging my knees closer I let the tears fall freely down my cheeks, not bothering to wipe them away as they begin to seep into the material of my pats. Let my pants soak up my tears, let my pants take away the weakness that seems to be swirling around unpredictably through my body. I was unstable. In almost every games there is one person who always ends up being driven to insanity- never had I ever thought that one person could be me. But look at me! I was a mess! What must the people of the Capitol- of home think of me?! Would they even want me to return? A boy who cannot even keep his mind straight for half an hour? I did not know… all I knew is that I certainly would not. I would want that child to die- not return home to infect the people who lived there. Maybe it would be for the best- to just let my body rot and turn into the earth that surrounded me.
I was a disappointment.
Earlier today I had wanted to kill the only person who had meant something to me. I had wanted to rip their life away from them, like a monster. I had turned into what the capitol had wanted- I had snapped for a moment and turned into the beast that they had been trying to pry out of me ever since the games had started… I was weak, so weak- and now I had let him down- I had let him think that I cared nothing for him. I was a boy who was unable to love without causing hurt…
The capitol was probably laughing at me, pointing and bragging about who would be the next to go- me. I bet they wanted me dead- no one wanted to watch a mad person run around on screen- screaming and crying and shouting words of nonsense. That was is not entertainment- that is boring- they see it way too often, they wanted to see something different. Well I was not going to give it to them.
I don’t want to be here anymore. I have turned into something that I don’t even recognise. I don’t want this- I want to be Mikhail again- the boy who is determined, who is strong, who is loyal and wants to protect those around him… not this boy- not this boy who is unpredictable, who is broken, who is unlovable.
this person, this person who I am now, is not the person I want to be. I wish it was all over, I wish I didn’t have to live this life any longer.
I wish I were dead.
[/blockquote][/justify][/size][/td][/tr]
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template: penny
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notes: Mik is so confused
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