When families hurt friendships begin.District 12

I looked around anxiously my parents voices were getting louder again. My head was going between my mom and my dad as they were talking well some will say that they are talking ,but to me it just sounds like a lot of noise. Even though I am not listening I knew by experience it was something about some little thing like what to buy to eat ,and it is a bigger production than needed. it does not help that my dad is drunk. Yes I smell it I think to myself. my parents think I am not smart enough to comprehend 2nd grade English Well I can well when everything is quiet I can . In fact I can comprehend almost everything in the meadow. I would explain more except right now I can't think with the ever increasing voices of my parents.

Their voices started to reach that phase when my mind just blurs. I know its time to get out of here before I get hurt again. When I notice that their voices will not be dying down any time soon my hands go right to my ears. I can not think. I sat up out of my chair ,and then backed out of the house full speed ahead. You can say that my parents will get mad at me ,or talk to me about how I feel. The thing is they will not even care they think I am a mute they think I am insane. I just can not listen to this yet again is really what happens. I start running full speed ahead my ears covered. Like usual I blank out with all of the noise though little haunts my mind so I can't think. I am now at the meadow sitting up on the grass with my hands still around my ears. Luckily my pattern got me to the meadow again. I am still breathing heavily.

The meadow I think I am safe it's is quiet my thoughts are staring to come back a bit slowly though. No food no family. But safe where I am for now. There is no noise and what noise is sweet noise. For the moment I am still wasting my time with my hands over my ears when its quiet. When I can be enjoying my self without my hands around my ears where I can think without them around my ears. I don't know why I do this perhaps I think that the loudness will reach here sometimes. Perhaps I am worried that a piece of glass will nock me in the face to match the one on my left cheek. I sit there rocking a bit. My hands are loosening. Right now I am looking through the hair over my face that's sticking to my face. I see a butterfly yellow with brown lines on its wings comes fluttering down to a weed flower.
I think I read somewhere even if at the moment I was not paying attention that this flower weed is a dandelion. I smile I like seeing nature. My dimples gleaming a bit even with my hair over my face. That is when I know that the noise will not come back that I truly am safe. My hands are lowering faster now. They are around my knees right now as I sit here. I wonder when I will go back or when it is even safe to go back. Maybe I wont go back. I have this thought process every day but some how I always go back. Back to the noise.... I continued to sit there thinking about what comes so easily here but so hard when away from the meadow. That is life how we are under the control of the capitol under the control of the mayor our own parents it seems like you can just never escape control.

Azalea Waterdrop District 12 age 16
I continued to think this through some more when a shadow came over me. I looked up my hair brushing my face a bit more. My train of thought was shattered as I heard her speak. I wanted to blank it out again to run away, but I was frozen. My eyes stayed glued to her eyes ,and I listened to that simple sentence. That one sentence that I only heard 1 time when I was pushed into that fire. That fire that changed my life and attitude forever. Since then my parents thought that asking this sentence was useless to me, that is because I stopped talking much since then. I mean I would talk sometimes when needed ,but never an unneeded sentence. Back to that sentence it was anything but useless is my thoughts on it. Maybe a wish ,a dream but useless no that sentence showed that someone cared ,and caring is never useless.

That sentence was " Are you ok?" It was a warm sentence. I continue to stare at the girl thinking about that one sentence that one sentence that has not been heard in while. In any form or way. Not even when I got the scar on my face afterwards. I saw as the girl who asked me this one question her eye's dart towards my left cheek. That one scar under my eye. The one along the side of my face. I don't know which one she is looking at but I feel sub cautious of myself like she is already judging me based off of my scar(s)I know that she probably can't see my face too much due to the hair in front of it ,but I know she is looking straight at it. Out of habit I pull my hand to the one below my eye scar rubbing it a bit. I lowered it slowly back to my lap seeing if her eyes would follow which they usually do if they are looking at my scar.

I know this was a long pause ,but the truth is I don't get talked to, too much. I have been talked at ,or talked about. Never talked to. I know I probably should not but while I am looking every which way in class I am listening to almost every conversation about me. How I am weird how I don't talk. You name it I hear it. They probably don't realize that I am even listening from how I look at the window but I am. I am always listening. I may look a bit out there but in fact I am more alert than most.

Now back to the situation of talking. I have not talked in the past few days. I have nodded and shook my head but not talked. Before that I only said a few more words that month. Like I was forced to answer a question even after my mind was wandering off to more thoughts on people attacking me ,and how a rock could go through the window at any moment and hit my brain. I honestly don't even know if I can use my voice. My voice if used enough sounds pretty decent but for the past year or two I don't use it a lot so when I do its a bit squawky or just plain a whisper. If I could reply what would I say. I would not well can't lie and say no I am fine, and no I cant say my life is a living hell because honestly sometimes I am lucky that my parents can just get me involved in their fights. I mean I am fed I have both my parents so yeah I am a healthy kid. I inspect this girl a bit she has nice ok kept blonde hair. Her smile is sincere and her body is a whole lot skinnier than mine. Yeah no I probably should not tell her my problems she may have a hard enough time feeding herself ,and may think that I am just a complainer.

Azalea I tell myself stop trying to procrastinate ,and talk. Then a part of me feels like if I make noise something will happen. No Azalea I tell myself you are in the safe spot the meadow, but then I think yeah with a girl who I don't know . I continue to think. I am just staring at the girl with an indifferent face. My mouth opens. I am not sure what I am going to say but what ever I was going to say it does not come out. I close it shut quick. Perhaps I flinched a bit too because now my hair is a little bit more in my face. I brushed some of my hair off my face keeping my left face where the scars are covered on purpose. I sigh a bit. I decided that a whisper may do for now. What comes out surprises me. My voice is not squawky not a whisper not even the voice I used to know which is a little kids voice, but an entirely new voice. It sounds shy but scared. I hear my mom's voice in it what I say surprises me a bit too. "No I am not." I shield my self from the Voice inside my voice that I only know too well, I covered my face with my arm. I even flinch at my own voice.

The voice sounded like my mom's a bit this was out of habit you duck when you hear your parent's or someone else's voice even. When I realized it was mine. I look back at the girl ,and then thought about what I said. " No I am not?" what kind of person says that obviously someone who has not used full sentences since she was 3 and a half. That is just one problem with what I just said the next is why am I putting my own problems on a stranger who looks like she has it worse. I sit there totally stunned at what just happened. I already have my mind on the opening in the fence if she reacts poorly. I never went in the forest ,and I dare not to but if it's between this girl yelling at me ,and the dangerous forest, I will take the dangerous forest any day. I now realize that I am sweating on my forehead. I rub my hand against to take it off. I am really apprehensive what this girl is going to do or say more importantly of the two say. Boy do I hate noise. I am actually willing to take physical pain before noise which hurts me more. It almost brakes me down as a person that is noise.

Azalea Waterdrop
As I looked at the girl she was now on the ground with me too. I bit my tongue this was a bit too close for comfort. What came next was the warm hand on my skin. I wanted to flinch ,but once again I was frozen. Perhaps just frozen because I wanted to be ,or frozen because I am so scared right now of what will be going next, but most likely I am frozen because I want to know what happens next. That is if this girl actually is trying to help. She say's "It's okay I'm not here to tell you to leave, or scold you or anything." before she put her hand on me. I start thinking deep in thought ignoring as her mouth moved ,and what she was saying to putting her hand on me ,But can I really believe her? I mean the capitol acts like they are just protecting the citizens of Panem ,but are they really? No they are protecting their power. That is all they are doing. The question is what is this girl truly protecting? I am now thinking back to how the girl came out of a ran down house how she came here within moments of seeing me. No she is protecting her house.

Now then the real question is why am I just sitting here allowing her to be this close, close enough to touch my skin in fact she is touching my skin. Why am I not running out of here by now. Is it because I still am having a feeling that everybody is not always out to get something out of every thing in this world? Do I still have hope that someone is willing to help someone else other than themselves? I don't really know actually maybe I will see how this plays out. Perhaps she actually cares ,and if she does not her being so close she will just hit me or do some other kind of physical damage I mean better than screaming. Boy do I hate screaming.

When I zone back into real life ,and out of my deep thoughts she clearly has started another sentence I listen back in my face expression still a bit apprehensive but now starting to have a bit of a questioning look on it. I wanted to know why she is showing that she cares soon before I get hit. If this caring is false no I snap at myself for being deep in thought again I need to listen. Luckily my thoughts run quicker than it seems sometimes so I still catch the sentence that she was starting. "I'm Maybe, what's yours?" Names? she wants to know my name? Is that all she wants to use my name to yell at me using it? No once again I am acting stupid if someone wanted to know my name they could go to the justice building, and look at the records. Every one knows that or well I do. Not to mention it is actually harder to yell or be mean to someone if you become sociable with them any one who studies the human mind would know that.

I start to think about her name maybe? Hmm that's sounds like a nickname should I trust her with my name if she can't even trust me with her own name? She is the one who asked too. Maybe I should just give her my nickname. Wait a second yeah I am forgetting something I don't have a nickname except maybe weirdo. Yes that is my nickname weirdo. Ugh why do I always have to get this deep in thought about everything. I decided to end this conversation in my head that I would just give her my nickname too. Maybe she will just think that's my actual name. Yeah people have given me that rightful name I am a weirdo. I can't even give my name to someone with out getting too deep in thought about it.

I take a deep breath. I know it is just my so called " nick name." But I wanted it to sound nicely. I want it to sound serious ,and perhaps questioningly so she knows I am on to her for just giving me her nickname. I mean what ever she wants whether real trust or real trust to just brake how is giving me her nick name maybe going to help me to trust her when she does not even trust me to know her real name? I know I already agreed to say the whole fake nickname thing again as my real name ,but I just keep on thinking about this stuff. I am just so complicated. I continue to think to myself. Almost tired from just thinking. I lay the side of my head on my knee and look at this girl "maybe".

I know no matter how fast my mind goes thinking about things these thoughts are taking like 2 minutes which is a lot to reply back for my name. This girl must be judging me for taking this long. I think to myself. I finally blurt out my name well the plan for my name." I am weirdo!" I say with a straight face. I search the girls eyes for a expression but before I get a chance I burst out a bit giggling. My smile showing to someone else first in a while not to mention a total stranger. I sit up my head now off of my knee ,and instantly take my one hand away from the girl and put on my mouth brining my other hand to my mouth as well.

My eyes open wide expecting the girl for some reason to yell at me for first, screaming my name then, laughing about it to top it off. This came out of habit from when I was a kid when ever my parents got into a fight ,and screamed I would some how get hurt because of it. My parents have became worse as time went by with trying not to get me involved perhaps thinking that I don't know any better or perhaps they think that if I got killed that then they would not have to worry about me. Either way I am afraid of even talking now for those reasons of noise = trouble for me.

Azalea waterdrop
I was looking into the girl's eyes a bit more after my panic attack with putting my hands on my mouth. They were pretty well full of love. My mom's eyes are pretty too ,and she sure is not too good of a person. I stared back down at the ground realizing that now I won't be waiting for a punishment maybe just a comment back. I realized I did not answer back how I am hurt ,but even though I am starting to trust her enough to talk to maybe does not mean that I will tell my life's story . I sat there continuing to look into maybe's eyes.

Finally maybe replied back probably 5 times faster than my reply back. This made me feel a bit more weird realizing that yet again I am even more different. This is what she said next. "Do you like that name?" Do you like? I never heard that come out of someone's mouth to me. Do I like something. Yes I like a lot of things and I also dislike a lot of things. I like people. I dislike people who are mean. I like District 12. I dislike the capitol ,and their games. So now maybe is asking if I like my name. Well first of all no I don't like the name weirdo it is just what every one calls me at school. Although weirdo does actually beat the name mute. Yes sometimes my parents call me mute. I don't know if it is because they are my parents ,and are closer to me ,but the word mute coming from my parents the ones who are supposed to love me calling me a mute hurts me more. It could also be because they never asked if I liked it or for what ever other reason it just hurts me more I think to myself.

So do I like the name weirdo. No but it is better than mute. Will I say this to her or shall I just give her my real name. I think I should just give her my real name. It is only a name. I have to think about my name for a moment. I found it. I have only been called my name 1 time since age 5. Other than that only when I am signing up for tesserae did I actually use my name. Thinking about tesserae is making me think about the hunger games which freaks me out a lot more. My vision blurs and I black out for a few minutes. I guess its a survival tactic. Next thing I know Maybe is speaking again. Before I get my hearing back from one of my blackouts the name Azalea pops out.

When it popped in my mind I slowly whispered my name." Azalea" it felt both good ,and sickening on my tongue. In one position Azalea is me I have not heard it in awhile ,and it feels good for a change of name calling. Then you have the other position where it sickens me to here that name. I have not heard it for so long ,and it sickens me that I am the first. Wait let me rephrase that. I have to be the first to say it in 11 years. My mind brakes back to reality. Maybe is talking ,and I should give her my respect of listening like she gave me. I tune in to hear her story. "My family and I all come from very bad homes, and we don't like our actual names because mean people gave them to us." I can see hurt in her eyes I start to push myself backwards on the ground using my hands. She spoke some more "We don't share them, and when someone uses them it's usually bad..."I start to tear up.

I have never felt as offal in my life as now. Even the time that may for some feel not as clear ,but for me seems clearer than the days I have now. When my parents through me into the fire by mistake. That hurt me so much, but this story is hurting me more. Now tears are falling down my face. I can't control my self. I want to stop but just can't. I muster up enough strength ,and spoke as I flew up to stand. " I am sorry." I cried with my squeaky voice. I have treated her with nothing but disrespect. I am on her land well close to it. I would not give her my full name. I made her worry about my troubles when her troubles are 10 times harder. She did not tell me the full story ,but I know she takes care of herself ,and haves little to no food. My parents feed me daily. Not nearly as much needed but more than usual for district 12 people. My parents are still with me. She is helping her new family to survive.

I turn my back wiping my tears. I did not want maybe to think I was just a complainer. " I did not.... Me....an to intrude or disrupt you." I fell to the ground in my dream I was just falling falling falling. I did not know how but my dream turned into reality. I was laying on the grass again. Head throbbing. I wiped my tears jumped up again and looked back. My eyes were bulging now. Just what I needed one of my black outs when I get too hyped up. Just when I was trying to make sure she knew I was not complaining. I frowned then started to run away. I could not put my burdens on this girl. My head hurt now from frowning. At least I have fallen before not the first. I know how to run after this. it has happened one day when talking to an ex friend at the time friend. she asked me questions I sort of did not know what to say. She should have known me she talked I just stand their. Pretty much I just stood their so people knew she had friends. It was a decent job. Anyways I had to run after that. people were talking about that weirdo which is me again. So now I am running again after blacking out.

Azalea Waterdrop Age 16 district 12
I continued to run. I did not know where to. I just could not make someone else's life even worse by dragging my own worries with them. I heard it. Foot steps running to catch up to me. Some tears were still escaping my eyes. I had to keep running not for me ,but for her maybe. I did not want to make her life even worse than it already sounds like. My mind went silent again. I could not think with the noise of district 12 again. my mind was getting blurry. Run I thought just run. Eventually quietness will come ,and I can think where to run to. My mind was getting filled with noises from the foot steps of my feet running, to the door opening up at someone's house, and finally to maybe's distant running.

I utterly fail at thinking with noise so near. Emotions fly through me, sadness , scared , being hurt, anger resentment , and finally sorrowful thoughts. All of the emotions I associate with noise. Make it stop I whisper to myself. I am passing house after house each angry face flashes through my mind one by one. I look back I hear a word it is too blurry to recognize. I try and think who it came from. A part of my mind knows it must be an important person for it to even show up as a blurred sound, but the other part of my mind figures surviving is important now so knowing someone's voice is impossible. Dirt is now flying in my face. My eyes are stinging ,and I close them. I don't know how I have yet to blank out yet ,but I know my mind is telling me it is important. I don't even know why I am running. I forgot in the confusion of the noise. I know my mind is trying to blank out ,but my common sense says don't.

Pebbles are being flung off my feet. People continue to laugh. Just pay attention I remind myself don't run too fast. Bang. I freeze my running my feet stop I am falling forward. That noise triggered an alarm in my head telling my to stop what I am doing. Another alarm warns me I am still falling to the ground. I luckily get my hands out in front of me just before I am able to hit the floor. I save myself with my arms ,and do the down position of the push up.

I have saved myself. I give a sigh of relief. Suddenly things seem more quiet. I push up and sit on my behind. I start to think. What made me fall. A noise. Why was I running clueless still. I look back at where the noise came from. Right in front of me like 8 yards back I see the reason. Maybe. My eyes widen. I don't know what that word was that I could not figure out ,but I think I know now wait. That one word. I put my hand on my face ,and pull down a bit. I know now that my stupidity is pretty bad now. I should have just stayed ,and apologized instead of running. It brings me back to why I run? I have no clue sometimes it is more like a instinct. Usually instinct is good ,but in this situation I hurt maybe more by just running. I slowly get up anxious if she will be mad at me ,and then run realizing that I just had to make sure she was ok. I was at her side in a minute I looked down at her. I did not know what I should say. I actually would not say if I did know.my mind tells me to not speak it will make things louder and worse. I listen to my mind as I look down at maybe. I decide I should at least hold out my hand. I do.

Azalea Waterdrop Age 16 District 12.
For the first few seconds I was actually paying attention to maybe as she was put out I was getting worried. Then I started to flash back to realization with the worrisome that I was in the seam again the loud, disruptive, chaotic seam. My eyes started to go back and forth I did not know what was what. My breathing started to pick up again. I know I am not running but My attention kept being dragged to another spot. My parents that they may be on their way to pull me back in the house, or the kids at school to come up ,and push me over while my back is turned. Crick crack. My head turns quick I want to pull my hand back out of reach of maybe ,to put it over my ears to protect my ears ,but I keep a calm hand out ready in case she grabs. When I look it's a old lady who looks confused. My mind goes off of that as I here the swaying of a branch. I look up there is a squirrel on the tree. I gasped my mind kept swirling around.

Finally I don't know when but maybe is up ,and standing. I know that I should be looking at her ,but I just can't keep my eyes only on one thing. Then more noise came. Maybe is speaking for me to come. I nod. I don't know why I come ,but maybe because I just don't have time to think to myself, or because my mind thinks I am going back to the meadow, or that I should just do what I am asked ,so I nod. I flinch as she leaned on me a bit for support. I only offered my hand but obviously she wanted support too. Flashes came to mind the hand ,the pressure. The time when a kid put his hand on my shoulder.

That moment I froze in thought. It was the 2nd day of school that year. I think I was 11. Every one knew me by now as the weirdo, the one who does not talk or even looks like she understands ,but for some reason someone wanted to see it even closer. After class he put his hand on my shoulder. It was this amount of pressure as maybe was putting on me now. I froze ,like usual I was caught up in mid thought so this pressure surprised me. I don't know exactly what the person said It was loud almost too loud. All that I remember is turning around rigidly ,and being kicked by my ankles. I instantly fell over. I was confused at what he was saying. I was trying to pay attention to what he was saying I guess I forgot to look at what he was doing. Doing. That word triggered another thought.

What am I doing now? Trusting someone? How can I trust someone who I made fall? She may just want to get me back? I know that I continued walking after that one sentence in my mind ,but I don't know when I show up at her house I must have allowed my head to blank out. Or even wanted to blank out just so I did not hear the noise. I shiver at the thought of the noise in district 12. I am a bit confused too, dizzy even. We are at her door. I pull my arm that she was leaning on and rubbed my head. I looked up at her." Why am I here again" my eyes are squinted a bit due to the pain in my head. I never asked why she wanted me to come to her house this whole situation was messed up. I sighed ,and waited for a reply as I continued to rub my dizzy ,and hurting head.

Azalea Waterdrop District 12 age 16
I was going to start looking around where I am, but a part of me knew. We were near the meadow. The quiet meadow. Before I had a chance to look to confirm Maybe responded back."Because I might of passed out if you didn't join me." Passed out? wait what? Then everything flashed back in my mind. The running to the meadow. The stranger well maybe coming up to try and comfort me(still have yet to completely decide if she really was trying to comfort) I feeling bad after hearing some of her story. I running off ,and her following. Then her falling. Me saying well motioning I believe I would walk her back then I do ,but I blanked out.

Shit I should really say sorry for the trouble I caused her, but what if she does not realize I caused her trouble then I may just be triggering for her to realize I did. Who am I kidding no one else needs triggers to think about things that have to deal with noise. She will realize that I am not worth it either way ,and yell for me to leave. I step back a bit to prepare to leave ,but she says something that surprises me.

"You can join me if you'd like." There is another first. A invite. A invite from a stranger wait actually someone who knows me would know even more not to invite me into their house. My sudden impulse is to jump on it ,and say yes. In fact I was going to start nodding my head then to say yes accept something hit me. Common sense that is. I clearly made this girl fall whether it was intentional or not does not matter. She could have seriously hurt herself for all I know she did. I knew that I should say no, a part of me wanted to say yes. A big part of me.

I needed to say no. I could not hurt her anymore. Besides I have heard of an empty offer ,and even though I have yet to notice the difference between the two because people actually don't offer empty ones the probability in my mind tells me yes this is an empty offer. Now how to word it. I thought about that for a few moments ,and decided on what to say. I knew that once I said this I will just leave ,and never come near here again. I would have to find some where else quiet. I would have to promise myself that I won't come back because I know that there was no other quiet spot in district 12 that I was aware of. I promised myself I won't before I spoke.

When I spoke it was the weirdest thing I have done in awhile. My one hand was even awkwardly on the back of my head scratching it. "Um Listen I would umm love to ,but I should leave. I have to." I got louder at have to ,but it was true I had to leave. For her I did not want to be a jinx. It was worse enough my parents were involved in my life I did not had to add people to my list of humans who I have ruined lives. I looked down at my feet. Waited for a reply for a few seconds. I became a bit anxious ,and started to walk away from the house.