Sadie Travers-Holliday // D8 // [FIN]

June 17

Today, I turned twelve. Daddy got me this really cool journal (He said it wasn't a diary, but a scientific journal.) so that I could write down my discoveries like all the smart people do. He says that I should always have it with me just in case something cool happens on one of my journeys. And I know he told me I shouldn't use this as a diary for all my girly feelings and baby stuff like that, but I think he will make an exception just this once. Or as long as I keep smiling and batting my eyes. He loves me so I know he won't get to upset if I write just a tiny bit of girly stuff. Anywho, my friends got me some hair ties. Light blue ones, to match my eyes. They said that my hair (which is light brown by the way) would look really cute if I pulled it back or braided it. Plus they showed me how I could wear it like a beard if I wanted!! Daddy has a beard. I was thinking maybe I could surprise him and match him later today. But for now, I will just talk to you later when I have more discoveries to report.

June 18

Daddy says that I did perfect this time! He says he has never seen anyone who could do it better than me. He says even mom couldn't do it like I could. I think it's because I know the right ingredients and I made a list to follow in case I ever forgot. Here! I'll write it in here for safe keeping.

1. Use cold water to wash up blood.
2. Use hydrogen peroxide (in the big brown bottle) to wash more away.
3. Scrub with a wire brush.
4. Don't breath too much. It's kind of gross.
5. Wash again with clean, cold water.
6. Scrub some more if there is still some stained spots left.
7. DONE. Just clean the buckets and brush and cloths for next time.

It really isn't so hard. But the first time I did this I forgot to wear gloves and was experimenting with some chemicals daddy keeps on shelves and I burnt my hand a little. It made my fingers a different color for awhile. Daddy made me wear gloves to school until my skin turned a normal color again. The boys made fun of me at school - they still do. I told daddy and he told me that he could help me if I wanted help. He said he could make them stop. I was little (back when I was ten or so and a bit stupid) so I just nodded when he asked if I wanted to clean up some more blood for him. His name was Preston. This was the first time daddy let me watch. I remember just staring. I didn't cry like daddy thought I would and I didn't laugh like daddy was, but I just stared. I think it was a sort of content feeling. But I can talk more about that later. Right now I am really tired. I have a big math test tomorrow. Wish me luck!

June 19 ★

Mrs. Klinskey said I did the best in the class! She gave me a gold star. I put it on the page in this journal so that I can remember when I am older. Daddy said he always knew I was smart and I didn't need a gold star to prove it, but I think I will keep it anyway. It's pretty. Plus I think that I might forget later. Or maybe I will get stupid like lots of the teenage girls at school do. That's my biggest fear I think. Being stupid. That's why I make sure I listen to daddy as much as I can. He's really smart. He even wears glasses like those sophisticated (I learned that word today in English class!!) scientists that we have to study about. He is my idol since I don't have a mommy like all the other girls at school. I bet other girls don't have daddys who let them watch like mine does. I kinda want to brag about it to the other girls, but daddy says that I can't tell a single soul. When I asked why not and told him I just wanted to brag about how he was the best he smiled and said that I can't talk because I would give away all of his secrets then. I understand. He wants to be the man that makes humans scream the loudest. He doesn't want me to give away his special tools and things like that. He said he will teach me about all of them later so maybe I can give you a list to read soon. Gotta go. Daddy is calling me. He wants a Preston sandwich. Bye!

June 26

I am soooo sorry! It's been a week since I've written a single thing! But I'm back now so don't worry. I also have a few new things to report. Scientific things to make daddy happy. So, during the week, daddy taught me all about is special tools and how he uses them. He said that I was ready and that I could handle it because I was a big girl now. He said his daddy had taught him how to use the same tools so I feel kind of proud that he is teaching me too. Anyway, I made a cool list for you. I even added my own ideas to it - my own scientific discoveries.

1. Hammer - he says the everything screams really loud when you hit their hands and feet as hard as you can.
2. Knife - He says that once I know some more anatomical terms he will teach me how to cut where it hurts the most and where you can press the blade to avoid the important organs so that they live longer through the whole process. Sounds like fun, right?!
3. Clamps - He says that if you screw them tightly on their hands or feet that they will scream and moan a lot.
4. Pliers - ripping teeth out. Apparently he has a collection somewhere. He said he will show me later. He has a whole jar!
5. Staple/nail/screw gun - He says that it's fun. Nothing more except that if you shoot a bunch of staples into someone you can write your name in their skin with staples.
6. Chemicals - (this is my brilliant idea by the way!) I discovered that if you mix the right things together, you can make some nasty things that really, really burn and sting. And my daddy keeps all kinds of acids in the basement and under the sink for me to clean with, so why not try it right? I think that it's a pretty good idea. Daddy isn't sure yet, but I think that he should try it. I cried when I accidentally spilled some stuff on my arm.
7. Sewing pins and needles - I have to use them in school and stuff because I live in District 8 and we are important to the survival of the Capitol and all the other Districts. And it sure hurts when I prick my finger or something so why not try poking people or sewing them back together even? Daddy seemed to like that idea better than the chemicals. Said the more blood on his hands the better.

But again, those are just ideas that I had. I though they were pretty creative. And I'm sure they would hurt. The Games have limb slicing, but I swear the kids weren't taught right ... Aren't you supposed to take you time killing someone? That's what daddy told me to do. "Go slow. The longer it lasts the better it is." I guess that's why if I am in the Games I will make sure to make him proud and not disappoint him like the other kids do. Anyway, my hand kind of hurts so I'm going to stop now. Let you know when I discover more! Love you journal!

July 11

It's been two weeks and no scientific discoveries ... I feel kind of like a failure. Daddy says I will never be a failure to him though so I guess it's okay. I did find a little poem my mommy wrote, or at least I think my mommy wrote it. It was hidden in a chest in my daddy's room. I was adventuring. I wanted to find some discoveries. But instead I found a piece of history, not something to aid the future. But it's still kinda cool. Especially when daddy gets mad when I ask about mommy. This way I can know stuff about her and I don't even have to ask him. But anyway, the poem. I don't really want to show you, but I will tell you that it sounds kinda sad. Like maybe she didn't like it here? It came with a picture though, a bit tattered on the edges, but it's of my mommy and daddy and they are both smiling really big and they look super happy. Mostly I still have lots of questions to ask daddy, but I am a little scared. It is the only time he ever gets really mad at me. Last time he hit me. He cried and told me he was sorry and honestly it wasn't that bad. (Sure I had to make up some crazy story so the teachers would stop asking but still.) My eye swelled shut and my cheek was bright red for a few days but it wasn't that big of a deal. Plus he said sorry. How could I not forgive him? But it still hurt a little bit so I'm scared to ask anymore questions. Maybe I will just go on some more secret adventures while he pulls someones teeth out in the basement. Bye!

July 16

The adventures have turned up nothing in the past 5 days. Plus no new discoveries. But I did get a new sister today! Her name is Lilith. She is really nice. She is older than me by 4 years but she is still super nice to me. She is teaching me how to sew as good as she does. But ... I don't think she likes daddy very much. She says we should run away, and that he is crazy and will kill us. I'm still not quite sure why she says that because I know for a fact he is not crazy. But she did try to escape while daddy was out but all the doors and windows were locked like they always are. She looked in our refrigerator and threw up and started screaming really loudly when I told her about my discoveries with the tools and the blood cleaning. She really is strange. But she is still teaching me how to sew so I don't think I mind too much. I will inform you of new discoveries! xoxo (I just learned what that meant today when a boy wrote me a note that said he thought I was pretty.)

July 19

Today daddy wasn't home after I got home from school and Lilith was nowhere to be found so I went outside. Actually, I am still outside. And I have a plan. I didn't want to tell daddy because I wanted to surprise him, but I am so super excited that I just have to tell someone. I'm going hunting. Not outside the fence or anything like those really naughty kids that got caught last week and turned into avoxes. (We are learning about them now. I wonder what you have to do to be the one to cut it out?) I'm just going to hunt for a squirrel in the backyard of a super old supposedly haunted house where I see someone running sometimes. This might take awhile ... Squirrels are kind of fast. Let you know my progress.

Squirrels sighted: 6
Squirrels caught: 0

July 20

Squirrels sighted: 13
Squirrels caught: 0

July 21

Squirrels sighted: 8
Squirrels caught: 0

July 22

Squirrels sighted: 9
Squirrels caught: 0

July 23

Okay so maybe I will just buy rabbit from the pet shop. Be back tomorrow to let you know how everything goes!

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I close the ruffled pages and tie it up again in a little bow just as I had found it. I guess it's true. I really did used to be completely naive and innocent. Now it's all just one big act so that no one gets too suspicious of me and daddy living in this dump of a house, just the two of us. Asking innocent questions in class, giggling over boys, (which coincidentally do not interest me in the slightest) and working at some job that makes me want to kill myself is all just part of the big act. And I'd say I'm doing pretty damn well, considering the way no one suspects that I like to tie people up and carve my name into their skin while I force them to scream it aloud for me. And that is all before I skin them not alive ... usually and sew their skin around molds to make my dolls. Which reminds me ...

I make me way to my room, throwing the little journal back in the box I found it in. I run up the creaky flight of stairs, past the mirrors on the walls that make me look fat and skinny and and fat and skinny again, warping my body into shapes that are just not right. Not sure why my parents bought this place or how they decided it would be appropriate to raise a child but whatever. It's unique I suppose. But mostly there are lots of hidden rooms. Lots of places to hide my children away from the wandering eyes and hands of the other children daddy likes to bring in. They are always gone within a week but still. I twist the knob on the door and it creaks open, slowly and loudly sending echoes through the house. I walk across the room and pull on the ornate handles that adorn my dresser, pulling until it opens to reveal the bottle of lotion I need. Lavender scented. Not exactly my cup of tea (HA! That's a funny thought because my cup of tea is actually some nice, thick vital gore - if you know what I mean.) but it will have to do.

I walk across the room, moving my bed side table to reveal a tiny door behind it, just big enough for a petite girl to crawl through. I open the door and crawl into another room where my babies line the walls on shelves. All perfect and clean and in order from youngest to oldest, starting with my rabbit. It's where I left off in my journal just a few years ago. I thought I could come back to write about it - how I broke its hips and shoulders so I could tie it up like I had seen daddy do with people - but instead I couldn't. There is something about killing things - torturing things - that you just can't put down in words. Something so amazing about it. But I remember, especially when I look upon the stuffed rabbit, running my fingers over it's fur and kissing it on the forehead. I remember the way it squealed and struggled at first, remember it's tiny heart beating beneath my palm, remember using a nail file (because it was all I had) to saw through its bones, little by little, as its whiskers twitched reflexively and it made a beautiful guttural noise as the pain - the pain I inflicted upon it - moved through it's body. The fact is, I had done a terrible job my first time. It had died so quickly, the blood getting cold on my fingers before I could manage to cut off every limb. But just like everyone says, the first time is always the best.

So I sewed him back together again. The limbs were spread out on the ground between the stakes in the ground and I couldn't help but want to fix him. To make him whole again. There is just something so exhilarating about ripping a life apart and then putting it back together again. At least to me. Daddy just likes to tear things apart and eat what he can carve off the corpse. Raw. I've come to enjoy the taste, just not as much as he does. I still need the occasional vegetable or candy bar but I plan to fix that soon. Especially with how many daddy has been bringing in now-a-days. I told him that the Peacekeepers were getting suspicious, starting to worry about all the orphans and homeless people that kept disappearing, but he wouldn't listen. He says it's just too good to stop, like a drug addiction. And I guess I have to agree considering I haven't done anymore to stop him. Usually he is very possessive over his prey, but as of late, he has shared with me. I remember the first time he handed me the knife, the girl who was about my age, staring wide eyed at me as I held the knife in my hand and stood before her, looking over her naked body (yeah, the female anatomy was much nicer than the male) and watching the sweat bead on her forehead. She screamed and it was glorious. Daddy let me do it all by myself. He didn't even complain when I delivered the final blow for myself. I go to clean up after daddy had gutted and sliced all of the good meat off the bones. I only got to keep a single square of her soft and delicate skin, unscathed by my knife, and it sits next to the rabbit that is stitched back together with a skillful hand.

I squirt a bit of lotion in my hand and rub it over the small square that has now shriveled and turned leathery despite my careful care. But still, it feels soft, and the scent of lavender reminds me that everything is perfect. I smile, rubbing more lotion into the skin of my various victims, cooing their names to them despite the fact that they no longer having auditory nerves. I take a deep breath, breathing in the lavender, letting it sink over me and into my clothes before I crawl back through the hole and put everything back in its place before walking out the door and begin on my walk to school where I am smiled at and told that I smell lovely. If only they knew why I smelled of lavender. Maybe they wouldn't think it so nice then. I will walk through the halls, waving at the boys that wink at me just to keep up my reputation. I will sit in the front of the classroom and answer every single question correctly while the teachers all praise me. I will braid hair at lunch and gossip about how the newest hair style goes or about what Sarah and Jack were doing in the janitor's closet. But, all the while, I will be imagining the blood of each and every one of them dripping down my arms. I grab my lunch off the table. Soup. My friends love when I share with them, say that is the best thing they have ever tasted. I smile and say, "Yeah, it's an old family recipe." as they sip it and I keep smiling. Because they are eating what is left of the new cute boy they were fussing over last week.

My life is so good.

climbing out the back door
didn't leave a mark
no one knows it's you
Found another victim