Losing (f a i t h)//emsrock

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Knuckles
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Losing (f a i t h)//emsrock Jun 26, 2013 17:49:56 GMT -5

Post by Knuckles on Jun 26, 2013 17:49:56 GMT -5

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Storm Jay

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I wish I knew when to put my foot in my mouth. I'm so stupid. I'm the stupidest person alive right now. I hate just sitting here staring at Red doing nothing for him. I hate not knowing what to say. It's starting to make me frustrated. It's like I'm trapped not knowing what to do, and there isn't a story to get me out of this. I want to escape from it. I wish the fairies were real. I wish I could run with them and hide myself from Red. I'm afraid of how he will react. I know I've crossed the line. I can tell by how fast my heart is racing under my chest. I feel like my stomach has dropped to the floor as butterflies dance around inside me. I wish I could take it back, but it's to late. I'm stuck, and now, I have to wait or run away like a coward.

I wish I knew what to do. I wish I was able to help him, but he doesn't want my help. I'm just trying to help him, but it never works out to well. I hate just standing by watching him run into things, but he denies my help and it pisses me off. I don't know what to do for him. Maybe one day I'll be able to do something right for him. I lower my head towards the ground ashamed of myself. My voice echoing around inside my head. I can feel my face turning colors as my cheeks warm to a bright red. Right now, I'm grateful it's just me and him because nobody will know how embarrassed I really am. I wish I could run away and hide, but now wouldn't be the right time. I have to read to Red if he will allow me to even after what I just said.

“Haven’t you been listening?” He screams. I take a step backwards instinctively and hit the wall behind me. Stupid wall. Stupid Storm. Why can't I just stay quiet? Why can't I just shove my foot in my mouth? I'm so stupid. I stand against the wall watching him. I wish he would just understand my intentions. I don't want to baby him. I'm trying to be nice and respect him, but I don't know what to do. This is like a mother watching her child cry helplessly in the night, but she's unable to do anything about it. “I thought you understood.” I do understand! I don't know what he doesn't understand! I wish he could realize how lost I am. I wish he could see me right now! I wish I could help him, but he's so far away from me I can't reach him!

I can feel myself starting to feel angry at him, but I quickly try to calm myself down. It's not his fault. Don't be angry at him. Just relax and stay calm. Just be polite and helpful. “I don’t need you to do anything. I don’t need nothing. From any of you. I am capable of doing things- doing things on my own. Hell I have been trying for three years now, and I think I have done a pretty good job.” His screams pierce through the small hall slicing through the air like a dual edge sword. I cringe slightly at him screaming. I slowly allow myself to slide down the wall onto the floor. I place my head in my hands not wanting him to know how stupid I feel. I hate myself. I'm mad at myself. Why couldn't it have been me? Why couldn't I have saved him? He doesn't deserve this.

“Storm… I’m sorry.” The silence is broken with an apology. An apology I never expected to come. It's not like him, and I don't need him to apologize to me. I just wish he would understand I feel lost unsure of what to do or say. I wish it would be noticeable. I hate feeling like this. I'm so confused. I wish there was a book to help me. I wish I could find a story to help me through this. I hate being stuck like this. I slowly look up at him. I take a breath to start talking when he speaks again. “Can we just forget that this happened? You know rewind a couple of minutes?” I wish it was that easy. I'm used to him yelling at me. I've experienced it before. I just hate that it happens. It breaks my heart causing me to feel stupid and useless, but I'll have to try.

I take a deep breath to make myself calm down before I speak. I don't know what to say, but I will try. "Red, I need you to help me. I'm not- I don't know..." I don't know what to say. I don't want to make it worse. I just want to read to him like the old days. I don't know where to begin. I wish I had some help right now. Please someone help me make things right. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I-I-I just wish... I'm not good at this." I can feel hopelessness rising up inside my chest. I don't know what to say to him. I can tell this isn't going over well. "I just want to tell you a story." My cheeks are bright red now. I've never been good at talking to people. I'm not even comfortable talking around Red because I'm afraid of making things worse. "I'm sorry. I wish I was better at this."

Narration 4C4361
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Hearing 80779B
Speech A3A3D0
Other DECDD1

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k!ah
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Losing (f a i t h)//emsrock Jul 4, 2013 3:38:25 GMT -5

Post by k!ah on Jul 4, 2013 3:38:25 GMT -5

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Lost and scared...
Losing what he most desires...
...TURNS HIS LIFE AROUND....
Red Jay

The hope that flowered in my chest made me feel warm. I really thought that Storm would drop it, that he would try and forget. I mean was it really that hard to forget? To forget that I ran into something? If I could get over it, surely he could, couldn’t he? I turn my hopeful gaze to look at Storm hopping that my wide eyes met his. I wanted him to understand, I wanted him to understand that if we could just forget about this, and continue on with what we were doing that it would make my day, it would make more than my day. It would prove to me that I could become a stronger member in the family. It would clear up some of the doubt, it would make me feel more comfortable around the family.

[/i][/color] If he let this go, without any of that self-pity he was so well known for maybe, just maybe my life in this house hold may be that bit easier to deal with.

"Red, I need you to help me. I'm not- I don't know..." As soon as the words slipped from his lips I felt the hope that had inflated in my chest burst. Pain strikes me in the chest, but it was not physical pain, not the pain you feel when someone thrusts their fist into your body. It was different pain. It was the type of pain that made you feel like an invisible knife had slashed its blade across my chest, cutting my heart in two. It wasn’t until this moment that I realised how much I had been depending on the words which had fallen from his lips

The pain that had surged through me turns to anger and I drag my gaze away from Storm. My face filling with heat, but not the type of heat that rises to my cheeks when embarrassment flows through me, this was a much darker red, a red that mean to much more. The pain eased, the anger grew and grew until I was shaking. Shaking so much that I had to place my arms by my side to stop Strom from seeing them. The anger that flowed through me made the darkness the surrounded me darker, as it closed around me, almost like an armour, for once in my life of darkness, it was working with me, fuelling my rage I could feel words of rage forming at my lips, but I hold them back, thinking, with some hope, that maybe, just maybe, Storm would take his words back, and accept my demand.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I-I-I just wish... I'm not good at this." The words fell from his mouth, it was almost as though he was physically slapping me in the face. Each word that dripped from his lips felt like ice; ice that was thrown against my body, his words drilling themselves deep in my mind. I was about to open my mouth, about to let my rage run free, but he cut me off, his voice growing quiet, "I just want to tell you a story." Yeah. Well that’s what I had wanted. I had wanted him to tell me a story, to help me escape into a world. I had wanted that. But now? But now I was not so sure. I turn my raged gaze on him, hoping that he could see the hurt, the pain, the anger that was radiating through my body. "I'm sorry. I wish I was better at this." He says at last. His voice was raw, and I was almost positive that hew avoiding my gaze.

Most people would have dampened their anger if they could hear the emotion in his voice, hell I might of if it was a few years ago. But today, today it only made the fire of emotions that burned through me stronger, turning wild, uncontrollable. “Storm! Why?! Why do you have to do this? Why do you have to wreak everything?! All I wanted was to be treated like everyone else for once! All I wanted was you to put aside the fact that I can’t see! I hate it, I hate it so much, and by you moping around telling me how sorry you are, does not help me in the slightest way. It makes it worse. It makes me living with this disability so much worse. Why couldn’t you just forget it? Why couldn’t you just let it? Acted like it never happened?” The rage that surged through me flew out of me like a waterfall as I screamed the words at Storm, not caring about the pain, or the hurt that I would cause. He had asked for this. He was going to get it, there was still much more to come.

“I just needed you to understand! I wanted you, most of all, you having something in common with me, to understand! But no! You just keep acting like the rest of them, piling on the pity. I don’t need your pity! None of it! I opened up to you, I let you in. I have let no one in. The first person I let in just throws it back in my face. Like a piece of rubbish… Please, just go. Just leave me alone. I don’t want to hear a story. I just want to be on my own. Please. Leave.” I know the words were harsh, I didn’t want to hurt him, not really, but the storm within me had other thoughts. It didn’t care about other feelings, it only wanted to be free, to be free from my body. And I let it, I let it flow from me, filling my words with a coolness, and sharpness that sliced through the air.

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Knuckles
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Losing (f a i t h)//emsrock Jul 4, 2013 13:21:22 GMT -5

Post by Knuckles on Jul 4, 2013 13:21:22 GMT -5

Storm Jay

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I shove my foot farther into my mouth wishing I wouldn't have said anything. The fear that I just messed this all up surges through my veins as my body trembles. I don't bother trying to hide what my body is doing. I don't care if anyone walks by right now and sees me. I know that I've crossed the line as soon as the words left my mouth. I screw everything up. For a moment, I thought I would be able to read a story to Red, but I have a terrible gut feeling that he won't let me no matter how much I beg or plead. I've lost my chance, and I hate myself for it. Good job Storm, way to ruin this moment. A moment to read to Red has left yet again all because I don't know how to keep my mouth shut.

I draw my knees closer to my face wanting to hide myself. I don't want to be around him. I know I'm about to regret talking. My eyes scan the room looking for the quickest escape if the time is needed for me to run. I'm looking for a way out. An escape to get out of here if all hell breaks lose like I know it's going to. My heart prances in my cheat pounding extremely loud. Part of me wonders if Red can hear the sound of my heart beating. I never thought to ask, and now is not the best time to ask. I just sit there frozen waiting for him to respond. I can feel the tension rising in the room as the fear surges faster through my veins. Tears run down my face dripping onto the ground. Fairies dance in my stomach like they do in the forest. I try to close my eyes and block it all out, but I know it wouldn't do any good.

“Storm! Why?! Why do you have to do this? Why do you have to wreak everything?! All I wanted was to be treated like everyone else for once! All I wanted was you to put aside the fact that I can’t see! I hate it, I hate it so much, and by you moping around telling me how sorry you are, does not help me in the slightest way. It makes it worse. It makes me living with this disability so much worse. Why couldn’t you just forget it? Why couldn’t you just let it? Acted like it never happened?” His words cut me straight to the heart shattering it all over the ground. I hopelessly look at him knowing it might not be over. Words escape me like always. I don't know what to say to him anymore, and I'm done trying. Way to go Storm, way to go. I can't say anything to him because I don't know what to say to him. Everything I say he takes the wrong way. I'm sorry he's blind, but I don't want to pity him. I don't want to, but that's what he takes everything I'm saying as. I'm done trying to talk to him.

I can feel the regret and guilt piling in my chest taking my breath away trying to smoother me as I sit silently on the floor not wanting to move. I'm terrified if I move he will figure out where I am. I'm practically hidden from him, but I know he's not done spewing the anger from his mouth. The hatred that's built between us seems to never go away. I don't hate him. I don't hate him. I really don't, but I'm trapped. I wish he'd understand I'm not trying to pity him. I don't want to pity him. I'm sorry because I wasn't sure what I was supposed to say or do. I'm sorry he's blind, but that's not what I was trying to say sorry for. I'm sorry because I'm a fucking screw up. My mind races trying to think of what to say next if I will say anything to him. I don't think I can say anymore words. I'm not waning to make it all worse. I just sit there on the floor with my chin dropped to the ground.

“I just needed you to understand! I wanted you, most of all, you having something in common with me, to understand! But no! You just keep acting like the rest of them, piling on the pity. I don’t need your pity! None of it! I opened up to you, I let you in. I have let no one in. The first person I let in just throws it back in my face. Like a piece of rubbish… Please, just go. Just leave me alone. I don’t want to hear a story. I just want to be on my own. Please. Leave.” I can feel anger surging through me replacing the guilt and regret I felt. Anger at myself. Anger towards Red for not understanding me. My heart shatters into several tiny pieces. Tears fall steadily down my face. Sweat drips down my neck soaking my shirt around me. I crack my neck, and slowly get myself to my feet trying to keep myself under control. Trying to understand that Red has every right to be angry, but he doesn't.

"I wasn't trying to say I was sorry you are blind. I was trying to say sorry I didn't know what to do. I don't want to pity you and I wasn't trying to so don't accuse me of something I didn't do. I'm sorry for saying something when you hit whatever you hit, but I guess it doesn't matter because I just go and mess everything up. Try standing on my side of it. Unsure of what to say or do not wanting to cross the lines, and tell me it's easy because it's not!" My quiet voice racing to a yell filling the room around me. The words that come across my lips are harsh, but right now I don't care. He's hurt me for the last time. I can feel my temples throbbing as the anger surges through me igniting everything I tried to keep calm. Every fuse has been lit, and is about to blow.

"I wasn't trying to hurt you. I really wasn't! I guess I screw it all up. I mess everything up. I always have and I always will. I just wanted to try to help, but you don't want me to. You never want me to help you. I sit back and watch trying to hide. I'm afraid of stepping across the line, and it seems I have done just that. Another moment I had, I fucked it up! Just like every other time I tried. A river flows down my face from all the tears that I have cried. My hands tremble at my side unable to be controlled by my own will. I look at Red then look at the door. Regret of what I just said rises inside my chest knowing he might never talk to me again. I walk over to the door and open it up. "You want me to leave, well I will leave. I will go be with the fairies so I don't mess another thing up." I shut the door behind me and collapse on the hard porch crying like I've never cried before.

Please forest fairies just come and take me away. Take me away to the world where everything is perfect. Make me one of you so I don't mess another thing up. Please, I beg you. "I'll be surprised if Red ever forgives me." I mutter almost silently under my breath.

Narration 4C4361
Thoughts A091AE
Hearing 80779B
Speech A3A3D0
Other DECDD1