from what i've tasted of desire {arx}

Sometimes I wonder if everything that happens really is part of one big plan. I'll admit, I do think (at least as of right now) that the big plan does suck a bit, at least for me, but that doesn't mean it couldn't be true. Fate is something that everyone else seems to speculate about, but for me it's a fact. Fate and destiny are real and they happen and we are all just be pulled around on some imaginary strings by some other invisible being. And the truth is that everyone's fate and destiny just don't have happy endings. You are born into a track that throughout your whole life you will follow. My dad was destined to leave his family. My mom was destined to be a whore. My sister was destined to get her head chopped off. My brother was destined to rule the world of poker. I was destined to be (and might I add a sexy ass one) a pole dancer. I was also destined to be left by first my dad, then my mom (at least in spirit - She comes back to the house when she needs my money), and then my sister, who ran away from me and Jay, left us stranded with no way of getting money or food. And then she left again. Of to an Arena somewhere far away, fighting and fighting and fighting, only to get my our hopes up before quitting and letting herself get killed. But I can't blame her because my beliefs tell me that she was only being forced to die by the invisible path she was born following. And I guess all I can say is I have never hated fate more in my life. (Not like fate cares to listen to my curses though.)

And as colors seem to swirl in front of me and I wander through the woods in no particular direction, I know that I'm being carried by fate and destiny and some magical string, not my own will. But what should I care? It's my day off of work and all Jay seems to want to do is watch games recaps (which I'd prefer not to - except 59th if only to watch Charas Harp be a sexy ass killer) so why can't I wander around through the woods? It's my life, right? The Capitol puts up fences but really how is a fence going to stop someone who is following their true destiny?

Ha! Idiots.

I take another drag from my cigarette, smiling and then coughing as the smoke burns in my throat. I keep promising myself that I will stop throwing away my money on these drugs and start using more of it on clothes or blankets or food but for some reason, I can't imagine my life without it, at least every once in awhile. It's been awhile since I bought a few joints from my buddy anyways. (Come on! I live in District 6 for Christ's sakes ... We are the Goddamn drug capitol of Panem!) Last time I had anything was when the night Navy died. And although I regret it completely, I have to admit it did help me out of my raging. I mean, at least I didn't go off and stab anyone to death pretending it was that Drummond kid, right? Sure I abandoned my crying brother for the night but that's just the dick I am. I laugh at the idea and then keep laughing because everything is just so funny. The trees, the sky, the ground, my shoes, and my fingernails (They are still pink from last night. I let some girl paint them ... Being drunk really is fun.) - it is all just making me giggle endlessly. And then the bunnies start hopping around at my feet. It's always like that though - always bunnies with their cute little tails and twitchy noses and whiskers and big ass eyes. My feet start to carry me faster and faster until I'm in full sprint, running and laughing with the endless parade of bunnies through the funny trees.

Before I know it, I find another fence attempting to block my path. I know it isn't District 6's fence, but I find a place to crawl through anyway because there is no fence that could ever stop me. I hear the fence buzzing me behind me as I continue on my journey through the magical woods filled with bunnies. I take another drag and suddenly I realize how great the sound of my shoes crunching the leaves sounds. It's like a symphony of crinkling candy wrappers or ... or the way that girls hair feels when they have hairspray in it? Either way it's such an amazing sound and feeling that I start to rush across the expanse, crunching every leaf I see under my foot, before rolling in them, hoping to find the same effect. And then I stare up at the sky and smile (Holy shit the bunnies are even cuddling with me!) because for the first time in the past few weeks, I feel like I actually belong somewhere. Like I'm part of something and not just a piece of some game. And all I can think is that being able to tear free of the strings of fate for just an hour is about the best feeling anyone can ever experience. Ever. (It is true that petting bunnies and sex are a very close second though.)

Suddenly, I start to hear the crunching sound again. The symphony of crunching leaves. I smile but realize that I'm not the one making the noise. I roll over onto my stomach and scan the horizon, looking for the source of the sound in the distance. At first I can't see anything besides a few bunnies bouncing around and then I watch as a girl steps into view, crunching the leaves beneath her feet with such grace that I think I might cry. Because the crunching leaves and bouncing bunnies are just so beautiful that I can't even think straight. (Also the trees are still really funny and my fingernails are still pink.) I get up slowly, feeling my heart pounding in my chest as I start to walk towards her. For some reason it feels like hours have passed before I finally reach the tree that she leans against. I hide behind it, trying to figure out what I'm supposed to say when I smell the tree and find myself licking the bark, tasting tomato soup. (When the hell did bark start to taste so damn good?!) I chuckle before swinging around the tree, leaning against it as I stare down at the girl. She is staring into a book, or some kind of journal or diary rather, reading what looks like a poem. My hearts is pounding and even though I just had some soup, my mouth feels drier than a desert and I feel like I could drink an entire ocean or eat a whole tree or something. The bunnies start to bounce around her and all I can do is blink in awe.

"Are you the Queen of the Bunnies? 'Cause that would just be so amazing. Plus your leaves make pretty noises - like even prettier than mine. It's so amazing that I would eat this whole tree for you if you wanted. Not kidding."

And then I start to laugh again before raising the joint to my lips once more. My mind whirls a bit before it refocuses on the girls eyes. The problem is I can't decide if I want to stare at them or eat them. I figure I'll just wait a bit longer before I decide which I'll do. I suppose for now staring will have to suffice.

I feel like I'm flying. I know that tends to be a common recurrence in my family, thinking that we have the ability to fly, but I'm almost certain at this very moment that I am flying. Not because I'm jumping from a window like my sister or turning my face to the wind like my mom and I'm nearly certain (but who really knows with this shit?) that it isn't the drugs that are lifting me off the ground, but the laughter of this girl. For just a moment, as she stares back at me my smile falters and falls, my face putting on a dazed expression as everything around me disappears from my vision but the girl in front of me. But it really is only for a just a moment. And then her eyes break away from mine and I blink and the rest of the world comes back into focus. And I'm not flying - I'm leaning back against the tree staring down on a girl that I don't know, a girl who isn't even from the same area as me, a girl who doesn't know me, a girl who I will never see again. (Queen of the Bunnies - an elusive one she is.) The smile creeps back onto my face and I almost start to laugh again as I watch the trees sway in the wind. It's seems they are so pretty that their is just no other way to express their beauty than through laughter. (That isn't why I'm laughing at the girl though ... is it?) My hand stretches out in front of me as as she looks away from me. My fingertips are about to brush against her hair when she turns back to me and I quickly pull my hand away, trying again not to laugh.

"Hi, uh... Kalyan, right?" I feel myself nodding even before I can completely comprehend her words. And by the time her words finally hit me (What ... Like, she knows my name?) she is telling me her own name. "I'm Cygnus." And somewhere in the back of my mind the name rings a bell. But because I'm raising the joint to my lips again I know it's probably all some crazy delusion that I'm having. I don't know the name, I don't know the girl. I cough a little as the smoke hits my throat and I try to laugh at the same time. I push off the tree and fall to the ground in a flurry of giggles and coughs and my heart is beating so fast that I must've just finished running a mile or something and just not remember. The leaves on the ground make the noise that I love so much and I smile as the bliss of the crunching noise consumes me. A tiny memory of my sister pops into my head, her hands untwisting the tiny pieces of candy that she got from one of the nice men down the street. And for just a second I think I might cry. It hurts so much to remember her face that all of a sudden the drugs seem to have worn off. But then the leaves crunch again beneath me and the giggles return and the tears that were brimming in my eyes retreat back into nothingness. (No doubt my eyes are saving them for later. At night, when I'm alone in my bed, staring at the ceiling, grabbing for sleep.) I roll my body across the ground, leaves sticking to my back and stomach and hair, and all I can do is laugh and as the world spins around me in a circle of brightness and happiness and pure beauty. I give a little whoop of joy as I come to a stop on my belly, staring at the girls feet.

I smile and cock my head and glance up at her, her eyes consuming me again. I swallow, although there is nothing in my mouth to swallow back, and look back at her feet. I blink at them curiously before sitting up to look at mine. The shoes on my feet are not tattered or torn or even in a very bad shape. In fact, they look great, but as I look from my shoes to hers, I can't help but want to take my shoes off. I start to unlace the strings of my shoes, so white that they almost gleam in the setting sun. I toss my shoes aside and tear off my socks, staring at my bare feet, the cold in the air pricking at them. I wiggle my toes and smile (not only because all ten are there, but also because they aren't painted pink like my fingernails) happy to be staring at such cute toes. I stretch one leg out in front of me, tapping my foot against her leg, while I lean against my other knee as it props itself against my chest. I take a long drag on the joint in my hand (it's barely intact since my recent barrel rolling but whatever) and reach into my pocket pulling out another spliff of the good stuff. I had originally thought that I would smoke both, but as I look at the girl across from me, I know that the gentlemanly thing to do is to hand it over to her. I smile at her before tossing it to her and grabbing my lighter out of my pocket. I'm about to toss it to her when my toes catch my eyes again. I start to giggle like a two year old again.

"I only light it on one condition, okay?" I raise my foot in the air and wiggle my toes at her. "I gotta see all ten toes." I poke my big toe into her leg before awkwardly rolling so I can sit next to her against the tree, my shoulder leaning into hers while I flick my lighter on and off and stare at the flame as it appears and disappears with each flick of my finger. "Plus, I'll give you super special bonus ... uh, rainbow bunnies! Yeah! If you let me touch your toes. Non-refundable rainbow bunnies though. Sorry." I feel myself smiling again, but only faintly, as my mind focuses on the electric shocks that shoots into my arm where our shoulder are touching.