bury me in satin {letter to simon}

A fallen star,
Fell from your heart,
And landed in my eyes,
I screamed aloud,
As it tore through them,

Dear Simon,

You’ll never ever read this letter, but I needed to write it and pretend that one day you will see it. I originally started this out with writing it to my mother and father and at some point I want to read this to you, I know I always will, but it’ll never happen. Maybe, instead I’ll read it to myself, where my mum and dad can hear, does that sounds like a good idea to you? That way I can say what I need to say. That way someone will be able to hear this. I made it for you, though. And it saddens me to know I’ll never get the courage to give it to you. Who knows maybe one day you’ll find this, maybe you are reading it right now. I guess I’ll never know until it happens.

You have no idea how many times I have tried to write this letter. It feels as if only yesterday I screwed up five sheets of paper and checked them into the bin. I’ve gone through countless hours of my life planning on what to say. But then when I do that it just never seems to come to me. I can, and I say this with minimal pride, effectively stare at a page of paper for hours without a single word leaping to my mind. It infuriates me sometimes and then other times I don’t mind. It means that my nightmares are held at bay and I can have those few hours of peace. If you can call mind numbing annoyance peace, that is. I can, though. Even that small bit of calm in this storm is more of a haven then the island with no water. The best dreamers, however, are those where my little boat is in the wild storm and you are there with me. It is no fun when I’m in the calm and all by myself, or on that peaceful island all alone. Life has its ups and downs and ever since I meet you I have come to the decision that the downs are blood hell worth it when you are there. You don’t have to believe me when I say this –hell I’m sure you will think I’m crazy, not that I’m not already a little bit insane. But I’d rather have nightmare’s every single night of my life and wake up with you beside me then sleep every night peacefully and wake up in an empty bed.

It is as plain as that. The pain and suffering are worth it with you there. And I know that we have both done horrible things and I know that we both will never truly forgive ourselves for what we have done. I also know that you think you’re a monster, you scream it out a lot in your sleep; you have said it, yourself, to me a lot of times. Sometimes you act violent and you throw things and punch the wall, but I don’t think there is a monster in you. I think it is just you, you being the silly, idiot you are. You’ve taken all that guilt and hate of yourself and you’ve shoved it so far into your mind that it has become a separate entity of who you are. Then when it comes out it takes its toll on you more than if you just stopped and understood it. Years of that can’t be destroyed in days, but I want to help you defeat your monster. You helped me get rid of mine. I doubt you even know that I had my own little monster. That when I get so down I rip books and tear pages to bits because it is all I can do. Sometimes I believe it helps me, sometimes I seriously think that by doing that I’m letting out this rage that I could use to hurt someone.

But I’m not right. It isn’t going to make it better. Without those essential parts of what makes you you, you lose it all.

The first day I met you I thought you were different. You were sitting in the orchard all by yourself and you were singing. I saw that and my first thought was why was he singing? Why was such a sweet beautiful song in this place? Songs were happy things, and there was no reason to be happy here. So I asked you to stop. And you did just that and then you got up and you told me how beautiful I was. You stood up and looked at me and the first thing you did was tell me I was beautiful. And then after that you smiled and you offered me your hand and you asked me to dance. Did you know that was the first time anyone had ever asked me that? It was also the first time I had ever danced with another person. That memory is the thing that makes me smile when I’m feeling down and when that can’t pull me up I just think of your lips and I think of that moment when you leaned forwards and you kissed me. My first kiss, my first dance. Your smile was the most amazing thing I had seen, and your smile was the reason I smiled. I hadn’t realised how much I missed smiling until then, I had not realised how much I had missed laughing since then.

In some way this letter is a thank you and in some way this letter is telling you that even after the few short weeks that we have known each other I care about you so much. I think about you day and night. Your crazy, you are one hundred precent crazy, I’ve ran into the pouring rain chasing after you, I’ve ran with glass in my feet for you. I’ve never done that for another person and I did it all for you. There is only one reason for that. I think I’m falling in love with you. And so I’ll hop in that little life boat and I’ll fly right into that storm, I’ll do that every single day just as long as you are there beside me.

— Esmeralda