A mask of LIES//Axel

I could remember the last time that Gus had gone to the hospital like it was yesterday, it was just one of those memories you couldn't cast away, forever burned into your mind. The look of defeat on his face when the doctors and nurses told him that his cancer was incureable...at least with what we had available to use as medicine here. They had tried to comfort him and tell him it was okay, but their words fell on deaf ears. He knew just as well as I did that their words were nothing more then that...words...they would never amount to anything more then that. That's why I didn't make the effort to talk to him or comfort him, as harsh as that sounds I knew better then to do that. He would just percieve it as an attempt to belittle him and make him feel like an invalid. It was necessary though that he go to the hospital for his appointments, he may not believe so, but it was enough to let me know how much time he had left...if it was getting worse.

He still hated them though...and hated when I went with him. I think that's why he didn't state with absolute certainty when his next appointment was, he didn't want me going with him. He was so proud, so unwilling to accept help, and I think that's what broke my heart the most. As his older sister the responsibility to take care of him had fallen on me, and since my sister had succumbed to her drugs I had become increasingly more protective of him. How could I not, after losing our parents at such a young age, and then losing my sister...he was all I had left...I didn't want to be alone. It was why I put up with so much, put myself out there...why I had signed on with a known criminal just for the extra money. I had made so many sacrifices to make him happy, and yet all I had done was make him more upset.

It was for that reason that I followed him this morning. Since he had failed to tell me when his appointment was I had kept a close eye on him. He almost never moved from his spot in "our" alleyway, this little spot behind one of the dumpsters, and when he did it was only for his appointments or for his infrequent trips to get fresh air. Today it was too early for one of his fresh air trips so that left only one other thing, his appointment. That's why I had waited for him to limp his way down the alley before getting up and following him. If he thought he could out smart me he had another thing coming, I hadn't gone through the filth of District 6 without picking up a few tricks along the way. His travels were slow though, his limp causing him to make little progress as he went through the alley. On top of that the heat was beating down on him, and I felt the urge to draw him into the shade and keep him cool. If I did that though I would blow my cover and he would refuse to go to the hospital.

I let the heat beat down on me as I followed him, my hair sticking to the sweat that formed on the back of my neck. It was barely into summer and the heat was so unbearable right now, the Capitol really needed to do something to help us out here, otherwise we would bake in the heat. I glanced briefly up at the sun before returning my gaze back to Gus, who had come to a halt at the end of the alleyway. There could only be two things that would cause him to stop like that, the hospital or a group of Peacekeepers, and there were none of the signs that it was Peacekeepers. That left only one thing...the hospital. I sped up and rested my hand gently on Gus' shoulder, squeezing it reassuringly despite the fact he would probably hate me for following him.

"You should know it's not good to sneak around Gus, you should also know that you're incapable of sneaking around anywhere. Why didn't you tell me that your appointment was today, you KNOW that I always go with you. Look, you're the only thing I have left Gus, and I'm sorry if it embarrasses you that I go with you to the hospital, but I care about you and whether you like it or not I'm going with you." I moved to stand beside him, but in a moment of regret and shame I refused to meet his eyes...those eyes that could burn into you and make you feel guilty...like the weight of the world was on your shoulders. What he didn't have in physical abilities he more then made up for with his ability to look into your soul. It was a good thing he couldn't see everything though, otherwise he would know just how far I've gone for him.

For a moment I had believed he would be happy to see me, I could almost see the slight traces of a faint smile playing on his lips. It was something I hadn't seen in so long, to see my brother smile...it was like...one of the greatest treasures of my life. It was gone so quickly though that I almost believed I had imagined it, but I had seen it, I knew I had, and just the thought of it made a small smile come to my face. It was the first smile I had smiled, a real true smile, in a very long time, and I wondered if my face was capable of remembering how to even do it. An infrequent thing such as a smile on either of our faces, it was rare, and even rarer was Gus smiling. I couldn't dwell on it long though, he wasn't giving me enough time to relish in the moment.

It was his usual speech though, telling me that I didn't have to do this, that he didn't want me to go with him. It was the same thing, and yet this time, I felt a level of impatience in his voice, something bitter. There was more to this then just his disease or even his leg, there was something nagging at the back of his mind. What he was asking was impossible though, I couldn't let him go in alone, I couldn't let him hear the same thing again...alone. I knew what it was like to be alone, I knew what it was like to walk a familiar road knowing what was at the end...I couldn't let him do it alone. He had never been able to hold our mother's hand or hear her comforting voice, I had to be that mother to him, I had to be able to hold his hand and comfort him. Before my sister had passed on I had felt like the responsibility to be the mother had rested on me, and even more so with her passing...I felt like I had to be there for him.

"What you ask is impossible Gus, I'm not letting you go in there alone, I have always been there for you. You...you...you never got to see our mother or have her comfort you when you needed it, and I've done my best to be that mother for you. I-I-I can't be everything...I can't be everywhere at once...but I can be here today...with you...for you. You don't have to do it alone Gus...I know I'm not mom...but...please don't make me leave you alone." I could feel my composure slowly slipping away from me, the more I dwelt on memories of mom, the more I thought about how unhappy Gus was. All the stress of my life was catching up to me, bearing down on me like the heavens were crashing down on me. I wasn't prepared for this, I was only seventeen years old, I couldn't deal with this, why did I have to carry all the responsibility.

On top of all that my own life was in shambles, I was involved in crime rings, I was pretty sure that it was only a matter of time before a Peacekeeper came along and busted me. We already weren't on the best of terms from all the times that my sister and I had been caught pickpocketing. The only thing guarding me right now was the fact that the group I was with currently with had a miraculous way of covering their tracks. They may or may not be legal, but why should I care, it kept me out of the detention center and able to keep an eye on Gus. "You're stuck with me now Gus, whether you like it or not...I'm...it's up to me...I'm all the family you have left, and you're all I have left. I can't let you go in alone...because I love you too much to let you deal with that by yourself."