{ f r e e d o m } is nothing but a dream // ele

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The ocean crashed around me and I felt like my chest was about to explode. My hands moved frantically through the water, but the wave pushed me further down, putting it full force into my small body. I had barely taken a breath before the ocean had thrown me into its depths and now, and now I was pretty sure that I was dying. I couldn’t breathe, and the water seemed to pour into my ears- into all my sense. I couldn’t figure out which way was up and which way was down. My chest began to burn as my lungs screamed at me for oxygen, screamed for me to breath in air and not in the salty ocean. My feet touched something soft and I pushed up with all my force, using my knees to push myself towards the surface.

My face broke the surface of the ocean and glorious air flowed through my mouth as I eagerly gulped it down- in between fits of coughing, that is. Sometimes the ocean was friendly, sometime the ocean and I both worked together to become the best team, but other times the ocean refused to be owned. The ocean was very unpredictable, unpredictable in the ways it works, in the ways it decides to work. It really was a mystery to me, a mystery that one day I hoped to figure out. Breathing hard my eyes searched wildly for my board, I could feel it tugging at the bracelet around my ankle, but I couldn’t see it among the oceans wild waves. dammit, I needed my board, my board was my life boat and my ticket back to the shore.

Finally my eyes see the board bouncing around and the relief that swept through me was so strong that I nearly catch my breathe. With a smile I swim through the salty surging liquid and towards the board. I have had this board for as long as I can remember. My brother gave it to me, before, before his life was taken by a shark that swam in the oceans depths. It was more than just a board to me, it was a way I could connect to him, connect to my brother. My mother thought I was mad, entering the ocean that had taken her sons life, but she didn’t understand, understand that the ocean was the one true was for me to be with him… sometimes I thought that the ocean was the only way that I could connect with him, after all he put his heart and soul into surfing, surfing was his life, and when I rode the waves I felt as though he was with me, right beside me, riding with me.

My hand closes around the rough surface of the board and I tug it close to myself. With a sigh I pull myself onto the board, my stomach pressed closely to the hard board beneath me. The feeling of the board underneath me was so familiar, so safe. My eyes search the horizon, the sun had barely risen above the shore line and the sky was painted with baby pinks and soft purples. I felt my breathe catch as I take in the beauty in front of me. Sunrises always caught me off guard, just by how beautiful they were, they were something that you could watch every day and still not get bored. They were always different and always stunning.

The smile on my lips grows bigger as I dig my hands into the ocean, using my arms to paddle my body towards the shore line. I could see the district, it looked so small, so small and innocent from out here, but it also looked insignificant, so useless. Out on the ocean the district looked like nothing more than a puny annoying ant, one that you could just squash with a rough jab of ones fingers. Is this what the ocean felt like all the time? So high and mighty? So powerful? I knew that in all my experiences, that begin this far out, made me feel powerful, feel significant. I loved the freedom that the ocean brought me, I loved the way the ocean made me feel like I wasn’t a caged in animal, but a woman who was free, who could make choices for herself.

As I neared the sure I begun to feel that sense of freedom evaporate, being replaced with a sense of something that made me feel like a caged animal, something that made me feel insignificant, just like how the ocean must feel when it look over us crumbs.

Finally the shore was underneath my feet, the sand slipping in between my toes, surrounding my small feet. I pull myself off my board, and hug it to my side. The water gathered around my waist as I headed towards dry sand. I run a gentle hand through my salty hair, closing my eyes, trying to remember the feeling of freedom that I had felt when I was far out into the ocean, in the place that I wished I could spend the rest of my life.

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