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It's been a rough month.

I had another fall two weeks ago and fractured my knee. I have thus been on the road to recovery for around twelve days now and the doctor continually warns me to both stay off of my leg and to eat better. Some medical jargon about not getting the proper nutrients and how it has only contributed to the weakening of my bone structure. Like I didn't already know that. Its not exactly healthy to subsist on a steady diet of canned goods. The quack also told me that I had high blood pressure brought on by a mixture of stress and salty pork and that I need to lay off of one or the other. Idiot. As if I didn't already know. But there's not much that can be done about either. On the disability pay that I get I can't afford much more than spam and lima beans, and the stress brought on by a forced lack of contact with my kids takes a greater toll than I am willing to admit to anyone. Every day I become more of a shell of my former self and I am past caring about that selfsame fact. My kids hate me and I hate myself and growing pile of empty spam cans only contributes to my health problems. That's the long and the short of it and I doubt that anything can be done about it. I doubt that I want to do anything about it.

I haven't showered since I broke my knee because it just hurt so much to lift that leg over the lip of the tub and it just wasn't worth it. So yeah, I smell and I look unkempt but who really bothers to come out and see me these days? Even Hopper has stayed away from me these past few weeks and so I figure even he has finally got the message to leave me to wallow in my self made mire. Its a small relief actually, knowing that none of them need me for anything, not even for a guilt trip. Its freeing in its own weird little way. I can just sit here nursing my leg and watching the games on the little view screen I own with a fork, a can opener and a helping of beans and the rest of the district can forget that I exist. Its so much easier this way. I don't have to be responsible for anything, and the thing is, I know its selfish, It just hurts too much to care. And I can watch the games without really caring because my kids are all too old to go in anymore, and this quell twist really is leagues away from them. So young. The way my kids were when they needed me. I can't say I know who either of this years tributes are related to, and again, I can't say that I really care. Its just something to do to keep the boredom away.


But then there's a noise at the door and my ears catch the sound of a familiar voice. Hopper is at it again. It pains me to say it but I guess he hasn't learned that coming around here is just going to hurt both of us. I sigh a great big sigh and hoist myself up on the cane. It is going to be tough to hobble all the way to the door, but I force myself to do it any way. It takes longer than it usually does and I mince steps to minimize the agony shooting through my right leg. Its more of a dull roar than a piercing shriek right now, but that's just due to the painkillers the doc supplied me with and those things have a hefty dosage of morphling in them. Yet they don't take all of the pain away,just enough to make walking bearable. I guess one thing to be thankful about is that though my diet is poor, I am rail thin instead of overweight. If I was fat I doubt I could hold my own weight and I'd be reduced to a mewling blob quivering on the floor in pain. So there are worse fates than what I am currently living, but perhaps not by much.

I make it to the door and throw it open before Hopper can get inside, making sure that I block the doorway, which with the cast on my leg is not all that hard to do. He looks happier than the last time I saw him, something that will soon be changing I'm sorry to say. I stare at him blankly for a moment, trying to dig deep down and find that parental connection that's supposed to exist. I find nothing. Nothing but my mistakes staring back at me. It is not a pleasant feeling and within no time at all I can feel my emotions twisting in my gut. Though in retrospect that might just be the double portion of spam I had for breakfast this morning. A scowl corrupts my features as I decide that whatever harebrained reason has brought Hopper out here its just not worth my time and the best thing to do would be to make him leave as soon as possible. I do not have the time for this right now.

Whadya want Hoppper? I'm trying ta get something done."

The words are cold, underlined with the same tired meanness that I've felt grow for the past few years. Four. Four to be exact, because its already been almost half a decade since one of my sons brought home the crown. Four years since I really had the frame of mind to care about someone other than myself. Or maybe I do care? I might, because in staying away from me, my kids just might avoid turning out the same exact way. Broken, used up and genuinely wanting to be left alone.

I remind myself that he has every right to be angry with me. What hurts more is knowing that he's actually trying to make things better between us and I, I want nothing more than to be left in my misery. They say that misery wants company but I don't think that's true. I don't want anyone to live as I do, or with me for that matter but I can't ignore the nagging doubt in the back of my head that says that what I'm doing to them is just as bad if not worse. But then I feel like the wind just got knocked out of whatever's left of my lungs. Are my children of this age already?When did that happen? I stare at him blankly for half a minute, trying to wrap my head around the information I've just been told. And then I don't. I just let it continue on its merry way. I wonder idly if the rest of my children are also on their way to being engaged. If they are all this grown up. Tacara, Klaus, Jamarion, Lyana and Marina, my how I have failed you all. And the worst part about that is that I know I'm not going to do a damn thing to make anything better. Once, once I was a good man; a kind man. But that man died years ago and I don't think there's anything that will ever bring him back.

My memory turns to a young woman, one that brought my life meaning. You see, I was not a happy man before I met her, no, I was content to tinker in the shops and bring home my paycheck but something was missing. It began slowly, food had no taste, drink would not satisfy and the color of everything lost its luster. But when she came along, she brought a radiance with her that brightened the whole room. It was almost magical. Suddenly, my eyes could see again, I could enjoy life; enjoy it as long as it was with her. I didn't ask her out on our first date, she asked me. I was a lighter trying desperately to produce more than sparks and she was the brilliance of the sun. When her light was snuffed out I was left in the dark again and the old thoughts resurfaced. The old me, the me that -if she hadn't come along - wouldn't have lasted long enough to be here refusing to talk to Hopper. I glance at my hand, looking at the faded golden band and an inner battle begin to waged inside my head; between what I want, and what I know that she would have wanted. In the end, I take the ring off my finger, and after looking at it for another half a minute, before tossing it haphazardly at my eldest son.

"Consider it yours. Now then Hopper, get out of here okay? Just...just go." The door slams shut and I throw the lock with what strength is left in my bones. I feel weak; weaker than I had just an hour before. There is a cold feeling growing in the pit my stomach and I don't think it is coing to go away any time soon. Taking that ring off was like cutting off a body part and I can still see the tan line from where it encircled my finger all these years. Her...her diamond wedding ring is still in the lockbox beneath my bed and there it may stay for years to come. We used to talk about kids before we ever had them, and she always wanted her ring to go to our first daughter. For the life of me I can't remember which one that is right now, but I'm sure I'll remember soon. I don't head back to my chair but stumble to my bed in a daze instead. I think I need a bit of a lie down. I suppose I always knew this day would come, I just never thought it would be this soon. Shows what I know having been a recluse for close to half a decade now. As I roll over to ease my knee into a better position, I am thankful that I left a second pillow by my head.

It will do wonders to soak up the tears silently streaming down my face. Tears born of an emotion that I am no longer sure of.