Lyndis Rajiana D3 WIP

There are times when I look at myself and I ask myself, do I belong here? I mean, I know I shouldn't, I've grown up with my family, and they've always treated me nice, but I can't shake the feeling that this isn't where I belong. How can I explain this better, or at least in a way that makes more sense? I suppose I could use the bowl of fruit analogy, where every bit of fruit in the bowl is exactly the same, except for this one small one that sits on the top. It doesn't belong, everyone knows it doesn't belong, even it knows it doesn't belong, but people pretend it does. That's what it feels like for me, that's what I feel like every day when I wake up and look around my room at my brothers and sisters. They all basically look the same and act the same, you can tell that they're siblings, but I'm the odd one out. Where they have blonde hair I have brown, while they're all strong and athletic I'm small and frail, the list goes on like that for quite some time.

My mom always used to joke around that I had the bones of a bird and I didn't weigh much so I could probably fly if I wanted to. I actually took that to heart, and found an outlet that I could "fly" in. I decided I wanted to dance, I wanted to fly effortlessly around from one foot to the next creating a story with only my body as the instrument to write with. It's a feeling of pride when I can properly execute a new dance move or I jump into the air and seem to be flying. It's like...just for those few seconds I'm free of all the troubles and chains that weigh me down and I'm just...I'm flying. Sadly though I always have to come back down and face reality for what it is, sometimes harsh and not always fair, but that's another reason I'm the way I am. Life is hard enough without people moping around and making it worse.

So sometimes my attitude is fake but it's for a good reason, it's so much easier to smile because all it takes is for someone to see you smiling for them to smile. I once read that it takes more muscles in your face to frown than it does to smile, so I decided from that moment forward I would try to smile more. It sounds cheesy I know, but I think it makes a difference because as annoying as I can be around people, at least they aren't thinking about the world around them. So it has to help them in one way or another, me being like this, right? I like to think it does, because as long as I try to believe that there is at least some good in the world, I can start to think there might be. If we all did that wouldn't we be able to look life in the face and say that we won't let it keep us down? Maybe I'm thinking too deeply for a fourteen year old girl, but I just want to do what I can with the time I'm given.

Maybe that's another one of the reasons that I wanted to dance, because it's like freedom and the opportunity to put a smile on people's faces. They need all the help they can get, they need to know that there is a reason to smile even when it looks like there isn't. For just the few minutes that I put on one of my shows I can give them that reason to smile and perhaps share with them the happiness that I feel while I dance. I know that it helps with my family, I know that it can help put a smile on their faces and that's what puts a smile on my face. It's one of the rare moments that I feel like I belong, when I can make people smile I feel like that's my purpose and my calling. When I take off my ballet slippers and get back into my normal clothes, it's different, it's not a bad feeling, but I feel like once more the weight of the world is crushing me under the pain and sorrow of the people who live around me.

After a day is done I will walk over to my mirror and I will look at myself, asking the same questions, every evening. Did I do enough, was I the best that I can be, did I help people? Sometimes I can give myself a smile because I feel like I did enough to help people, and there are other times when I can't bear to look at myself because I didn't do enough. How do I judge if I did enough, well, it's rather simple actually, I look back on my day and find all the people that I made smile. If I was able to get at least 10 people to smile it was at least a good day, because smiling is infectious, if one person smiles most other people can't help but smile in response. It's sort of like a virus that can spread, and if we all join together and maybe...smile...maybe we can make a difference, maybe our lives wouldn't seem so wrong. Perhaps it's a fool's errand for me to feel like I can make that much of a difference, but if I don't believe I can do that what other thing do I have to live for?