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semper
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mi amore »» goravich-haze wedding Oct 30, 2013 12:29:09 GMT -5

Post by semper on Oct 30, 2013 12:29:09 GMT -5

It’s today.

It’s really today.

I sit on the bare bed in my old room, trembling hands clutched together tightly in my lap. Inside their grip is a folded piece of paper containing a terribly-put-together letter that I was expecting to have memorized enough to recite in front of my siblings but I’ve got none of it committed to memory. A few times I’ll remember a line or two, but after a few minutes I’ve already forgotten it. It’s so hard to pinpoint all these feelings and put them into coherent sentences. I didn’t know what to write (“I love you?” “I’m so glad we’ve made it this far?”) so I just scrawled out words in the hopes of stringing something together (“I love that sleepy smile of yours;” “I love how I can slip my hand into yours during the night;” “—the soft surface of your skin as my kisses trail down your neck;” “—the whole essence that is you and how it fills every void I’ve ever felt;”). None of it is anything that I’d ever want to share with my siblings. None of it would make any sense to them (except to maybe Jamar, considering he’s now stuck with Sephera and has saddled her with a child, but he does love her). I don’t want to bare my rawest and most undiluted emotions to them – frankly I’d like to keep them secret to everyone but Tiberius for the rest of my days though I know that would not do him justice. I know he’s not one for speaking in front of groups but we wanted to write our own vows, and they wouldn’t be official if there weren’t any witnesses. I used to think that I was comfortable talking to my own family, but now I’m not so sure.

I don’t quite remember how long it’s been since the last time I slept in this room. The bedposts and nightstands are dustier than I’d like them to be, the walls closer than I remember, and behind me, on the floor, is the bloodstain from my second attempt at suicide.

The pain it brings me to see that spot is intense. (The room is empty – what if the reason for that was because I was dead, not moved out?) Because of that incident I almost wouldn’t be where I am today, about to start everything over and create a new name for myself. One of my hands slowly creeps up to my chest, gingerly rubbing the spot that had bled on that day. The scar from that is entirely hidden (and even when around Tiberius I refuse to take my shirt off because then it is exposed) but it burns occasionally, and very stupidly I believe that it’s somehow become visible for the world to see. That, unfortunately, leaves me feeling like my darkest secrets have been declassified for the entire country to see; much like as if they’ve stuck my face on the television and listed out every single mistake I’ve made for the whole world to read. It’s such a petty fear to have over a scar, and that does not even include all the little nicks and cuts that dot my arms and sides. (Tye was there to patch up a few of them but the rest I don’t think he knows about.) The only one I don’t care to be shown is the wide and puffy one on my neck where I was burned. It does not carry the stigma that all the others have, much to my relief. It does remind me of the Klaus days, yes, but those were happy times (before everything went to hell, of course).

But I wasn’t as happy then as I am now.

Though the depression still lingers like some dark creature prowling in the shadows, ready to pounce, I generally find myself living life on a much lighter note. I’ve got a reason to get up out of bed each and every morning, and it makes me feel good to see the smile on his face when he comes down the stairs to see his favorite breakfast waiting for him. I love that he doesn’t sucker punch me like Jamar always does, how he doesn’t question some of the things I do, and how he knows which topics to avoid talking about, just like how I know to not bring up certain things around him. We’re open books to each other and I’ve read and memorized every page of him, savoring the words and immersing myself in his very being. Before I realized what this feeling was I would have just labeled it as pure serendipity, but now I know better. This is love.

I get up and leave, putting behind me every emotion and every thought that ever plagued me in that room (depression, starvation, drugs, suicide), and close the door behind me for good.

Anxiety bubbles up inside my belly as I trot down the stairs but the growing smile on my face easily overpowers it. The feeling is a good kind of anxiety – if there really is such a thing – like what you feel before an event you’ve been looking forward to for so long. My hand clutches the folded paper tightly and I make my way through the empty house, heading out the back door.

The leaves on the trees that encircle the yard are vibrantly colored, ranging in shades from deep red to orange and yellow. All that’s been set up on the grass is a table that is large enough to fit all eight of us (it isn’t at all surprising that the ninth and eldest person didn’t show up) and the dining ware is laid out, just as pristine as anything this dysfunctional family can conjure up. (So, in other words, it’s not fancy at all. The only thing remarkable about this scenario is that we’re all here together, sitting at the same table. What could possibly go wrong?) My siblings are all milling around, hopefully not fanning any embers to spark an argument with each other, so before anything erupts I decide to just go for it.

”I guess, um, I could start. To minimize chances of certain things happening.” And then I mumble, ”Like last Christmas.” I wait for people to settle, and as soon as their eyes turn to me I feel the weight of the situation suddenly bearing down on me like a boulder. Six pairs of eyes plus a very warm and familiar hazel pair – I focus on the hazel ones, trying, like I usually do, to find that encouragement to keep my knees from buckling and my hands from trembling. The latter, however, is futile; my hands are shaking and once again my mind blanks. The paper with notes is really of no use to me so I use it to occupy my hands with, giving myself a grounding point.

”Let me just start off by saying that I do apologize for this being the first time I’ve introduced Tiberius to some of you lot. Under different circumstances, believe me, you would’ve had to shut me up for going on and on about how wonderful he is.” A small but genuine grin cracks along my face and I continue to fiddle around with the piece of paper, giving a light shrug. ”I meant to write something down but I never could quite capture anything in words. Granted, I can’t spell half the words I wanted to use, but that’s not the point. Hell, I couldn’t even spell our own last name until only a while ago. But again that’s besides the point.

“Honestly, I’d be a liar if I said I wished I had met you under a different situation. It’s because of that incident that you did what you did; you saw me in my absolute worst state and yet you didn’t just leave me in that alley. I do regret the actions that I did, yes, but if I hadn’t done that then you wouldn’t have been able to piece me back together the way you did. I never would’ve pegged you to be the kind of guy to be that caring, and it’s cause of you that I started second guessing my decisions whenever I needed a fix or raided your cabinets and drawers for any sharp object. I don’t mind all the scars that I got from those things, cause you know why? They healed. Everything heals – it just takes time. I didn’t understand that until you explained it. I was so used to things like—like—like at the factory: I lived for those paychecks, and as soon as I got it in my hands it meant we’d eat another day. We wouldn’t starve. It was that instant relief that I’d become so used to that made me freak out when I came to realize that I couldn’t just get rid of my mental problems overnight. It really frustrated me and it still does. It still haunts me, too, and you know that. But you’ve not once turned your back on me. Sure, you’re often brutally honest, but you only did it because it helped me. You said those things in order to make me adjust to the reality I’d have to face; it was scary – terrifying, even – but you were there so I didn’t have to worry. In fact, I had nothing to worry about all this time except when I hurt and left you, and let me tell you that that is the biggest regret of my entire life.

“I can’t think of how I’d even be here today if it weren’t for you. More than likely I’d be dead from an overdose and rotting underground next to some terribly marked headstone. But you prevented that; I owe you everything and it’s with every ounce of my being that I can say without hesitation that I love you, Tiberius. I’ll love you until the end of my days, until my last breath; for better or worse, for rich or for poor. I don’t care where we end up so long as we still have each other, and it’s with the greatest pleasure that I may present to you this ring, the only physical entity beyond any structure of words that can even begin to represent how much I love you.”

And, with that, I unveil the ring in my hand that I had taken from my pocket.

i caught you burning photographs
like that could save you from your past
history is like gravity
it holds you down away from me
you and me we’ve both got our sins
i don’t care about where you’ve been
don’t be sad and don’t explain
this is where we start again

Graphic credit to Cass <3

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i hear the mountains calling me home

cass
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mi amore »» goravich-haze wedding Nov 2, 2013 7:58:16 GMT -5

Post by cass on Nov 2, 2013 7:58:16 GMT -5

tiberius haze.

Tiberius Haze looked down at himself. Shaking fingers gently touched each button of his white shirt. They slide into place with an ease that only came around from those with experience. And yet it was impeccably hard to pinpoint how someone like Tiberius could have gotten such experience. After all he had grown up, left behind in an alleyway one night by his mother. He had been raised in a shitty little orphanage – there he had stayed for over ten years, only leaving when he had turned fifteen. His unwillingness to become just another forgotten think urging him on that night he decided to slip out past and into the darkness of the neighbouring streets it was a decision he would never regret. He found a home, better than his old one. He lived in by himself and Shadow taught him how to survive. It was with Shadow’s help and guidance he didn’t crumble, but instead remained strong. They built a small empire and soon he was thriving, his mind so young and fresh that he fell headfirst into that agreement with Magnus Nox. He didn’t even hesitate to sign the dotted line when Shadow suggested it. After all he had come to trust that boy with his entire life, after all Shadow had given him a new life. But then it seemed that the deal brought with it the end of the life he had become accustomed to. Shadow slowly disappeared, leaving him behind, Shadow grew bigger and better at his job, he began teasing and playing with other boy’s, he started ignoring Tiberius. The deal he had made turned into a prison trap.

It seemed that in district three you rarely adopted a child, how many times had he seen a little round faced kid find a new home? Four. Out of the hundreds of them in that small, old, smelly building four of them had been taken away. The rest had been left with minimal food, clothes to fight over and blankets to steal from one another until they turned eighteen. And then they were chucked onto the street and told in a stern voice to get a job. It was hard when you had no skills, and when your best ability was surviving in a pathetic building where every day was a battle for food and water. You could hardly suggest those key traits to an employer and ask them if it’d do. It was cruel, and yet the wardens and the few other workers that had ‘helped’ the kids seemed to find it amusing. Not even when a peacekeeper came around with the body of a stared child, dead because they hadn’t figured out a way to survive, would they stop cackling. Or even when a boy or girl came by, dragged to the whipping post for doing what they knew best – stealing. It was a sad world and there had been a hundred of things Tiberius wished he had never seen. But it was some of those very things that gave him the courage to walk out of that orphanage and not become just another dead body.

Sighing heavily he ran a hand through his freshly washed hair. He fumbled around the chair in front of him, hands scooping up the black jacket he had bought a few days ago for this special occasion. It wasn’t expensive, it wasn’t that good, but it was the best thing he had in his wardrobe. But then Tiberius had never been one to dress up on special occasions. In his opinion it didn’t matter what you wore, just as long as you were there with the people you loved. And Hopper was going to be standing right there with him. So it wouldn’t matter if the two wore rags or riches, in the end all he needed was his hand, his lips and his body. Hell they could have been standing naked – a thought that left Tiberius smiling – and he wouldn’t even care. Tiberius wasn’t the biggest fan on the whole ‘marriage’ thing. He saw no need to sign a piece of paper, say a few words and kiss. It was simple enough for him to clasp his hands around Hopper’s face and mumble the words into his ear before drawing him down into a long lingering kiss. But it seemed that everyone thought that the formal occasion of a marriage was needed, and he wouldn’t argue, he was past the stage in caring, just as long as at the end of the day he could grab Hopper and see that boy smile, green eyes sparkling, it would all be worth it. Not even the hardships they had faired could even get him down; in fact he had done so very well to shove them right out of his mind.

He was willing to forget it all of Hopper. I’m really in love with him. The joy and warmth he found in his chest when he looked at Hopper was so much more real and calming then the feelings he had once felt for Shadow – feelings he had ignorantly believed to be love. But it had never been love; everything that he felt for Hopper was love.

His stomach churned with the very thought of what he was about to do. Tiberius Haze had not slept for a single minute last night. The space beside Hopper had remained empty for the first time in months. Instead he had moved down stairs and had sat in the kitchen, feet propped up on the table, a glass of alcohol in his left hand. Biting apprehensively at his lip he had stared numbly at a sheet of paper that had remained blank no matter what he thought of putting on it. It seemed that no matter heat he wanted to say was never going to be the right thing. He felt as though there were no words that he could say to express the feelings that he held. What was more he simply sought no need to say everything he felt. Hopper Goravich knew it all, and if he didn’t then he was a bloody idiot. Tiberius loved him and those three simple words of ‘I love you’ seemed perfect, that there was just nothing more to say. As dawn had greeted him head sighed, standing up, stretching his back, his shoulders sagging in a defeated kind of acceptance. Whatever he had to say he’d have to come up with it as he stood before Hopper.

Even now as he finished getting ready no words jumped to mind. Making his way down the stairs he felt each step come more uncertain then the next. This was the first time; after all, he had ever been in Hopper’s house. Technically it was Klaus’, but that hardly mattered. Tiberius had finally meet Hopper’s family. Some of them had been oddly friendly when meeting him, others had been rather rude. When he had laid eyes on Jamarion he had felt his own gaze darken, remembering how Hopper had been beaten by the brother. But then he would try to look away also knowing a few things Hooper had tried which were rather despicable. But Tiberius didn’t care, he had forgiven and he had done his best to forget about it all. But that had been the first moment in which he had allowed himself to doubt the decision he had made. It lasted no more than a few seconds, however, and after a few more moments he was looking away, moving away and banishing any doubt whatsoever from his mind. There was no room for doubt, not anymore. He had agreed to this, he had said yes, and if he hadn’t wanted it then that was the time to speak up and say it. But he had held his tongue, hell not even a second of hesitation had claimed him as he had agreed to marry the man he had fallen for. Seeing Hopper’s family should not shake that resolve. After all he wouldn’t be standing there ready to step out into the garden where he would promise to stay by hopper’s side forever without knowing for certain he wanted this. Without knowing the good and bad and the unhealthy, without knowing every second his fiancé held and every trouble that he had face.

Taking a final shaking breathe he stepped outside and into the garden. He made his way to the small alter they had. Hopper was already waiting there for him. Glancing at Hopper eh couldn’t help but smile, this was the boy eh had fallen in love with. This boy wasn’t deathly sick; this kid wasn’t lying in an alley way dying. He was alive, and healthy and very much real. There was a cheeky glimmer to those green eyes that outweighed the darkness beneath them, they sparkled when he looked at Tiberius and they glimmered with affection that always left Tiberius wordless. This was what he had agreed to marry, the boy in front of him with an easy smile, with the ability to judge everything he said. The boy that knew exactly what Tiberius needed, the one that knew how to make him happy and smile when he was sad, the one that knew how to dance around topics that prickled him. The boy that had come back even when Tiberius had walked away. There was a light to his smile that warmed Tiberius heart; there was a glow to him that was contagious.

He couldn’t and would never walk away from him. He was in love.

As he made his way up Hopper offered to begun and Tiberius nodded, mind spinning, still trying to gather something to say. But as Hopper started speaking all thoughts about what he was going to bring forth vanished. Instead he found himself being swept away with the words being directed at him. And in that moment he could pretend that Hopper’s family wasn’t around them (there was no one from Tiberius’ family there, Tiberius had no family except for the man before him) and it was only the two of them. By the end Tiberius was grinning like a goofy idiot, the final three words enough to make it all matter, enough to make it all worth it. They were a promise. They were all that Tiberius needed to hear. His eyes flickered downwards as Hopper pulled out a ring. Tiberius wasn’t sure if he was supposed to wait for Hopper to put the ring on his hand or if he was supposed to talk first. But he was sure it made sense to have them both talk then put rings on after, right? So without hesitating he began speaking, the words tumbling from his lips before he could think each of them through.

”I love you. There aren’t many more words I could possibly say that could mean more than those three. There is an entire dictionary I could use to say it in a million different ways and I would. I don’t believe in marriages, I don’t believe in much more then survival, hell before I meet you I was sure I had already fallen in love – and I had promised myself that I would never love another person after my heart had been ripped out. But then after meeting you and helping you and getting to know you I feel into that trap all over again. I let myself fall in love. And looking back at it all I don’t regret a single moment, because the pain I have suffered because of you is worth it. The joy and happiness that has come from all of that is enough to make me want to go through it all again. I wouldn’t care if you were missing two legs and an arm. As long as I can see you smile and as long as I can wake up by your side every morning it doesn’t matter. I wouldn’t care if we were living in a card board box, because all that matters at the end is if I can look at you and see that smile on your face, if I can look into your eyes and see that glimmer of happiness that makes that darkness disappear. I want to make you happy and that is the only thing I want to do.”

“I’m in love with you, Hopper Goravich; I’m in love with all the flaws, the bad bits and the good bits. I’m in love with the scarred broken parts of you, and everything that makes you human. I’ll love you through everything, through hell and back. Just as long as you are by my side.” His hands fumble through his pockets, but without taking his eyes away from the green orbs in front of him he pulled out his own ring, it wasn’t perfect. It wasn’t the best thing anyone had ever seen, but that didn’t matter to Tiberius, because in the end it wasn’t a ring that would keep them together.

ooc -- I did five hours of solid study so I thought I could take a break and write you a post <3 ~~last one until exams are overrrr :c~~

How long will I love you as long as stars are above you
How long will I be with you
As long as the sea is bound to wash up on the sand
How long will I want you
As long as you want me too and longer by far

k!ah
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Pronouns: She/Her
last seen Nov 10, 2024 20:35:35 GMT -5

#expensivetrash

mi amore »» goravich-haze wedding Nov 3, 2013 7:52:20 GMT -5

Post by k!ah on Nov 3, 2013 7:52:20 GMT -5

Today was the day that my brother was to marry the man that he loved. It was funny really. Whenever I thought of my family marrying I would think of their partner to be someone that I have grown to know, I think it to be someone who is familiar with the family. But in this case I couldn’t be more wrong. You see my brother was about to marry a man that I had only laid eyes on for a mere few seconds- after I found out that Hopper was still alive and well. So I never really got the chance to observe the guy that would now be a part of my family. (Not that I really know much about my family full stop.) but that was beside the point. I have never really been there for my family, always hidden away from their eyes, hidden away with my shiny little prizes… Sometimes I wish that I could have changed that, I wish that I could have been that sister who was out there, that sister who knew everything about everyone all the time… but I wasn’t. I was the sister that people often forgot about; I wouldn’t even be surprised if my family has forgotten about me. I am like a shadow, one that has faded away over time.

The marriage was planned to be only a small gathering, with all of my brothers and sisters present. There would be no family from Tiberius side… he had no family. The thought of having no family struck me hard. I couldn’t imagine life without my family, they were my anchor in life- even if they didn’t realise it. Family were the people one could turn to when they were going through a rough patch, family were the people who shared an undying love, something that can never be broken. My mind flies back to the time when Klaus had been reaped. I hand thought that he would make it back… he had been so small… but he had fought through, he came home, back to his family. That was love. Fighting though what might seem like the impossible to return back to the people who cared for you.

Is that how Hop felt, felt about Tiberius? Did he feel like he could fight the world and still make it back to him? What about Tiberius? How did I know that he wasn’t just using Hop? I think back to the time that I meet him briefly in the market square. He had seemed polite- reserved but polite. So maybe I was just getting flustered over nothing. Maybe he really does love Hop… sighing I slip off my bed and take one last look at myself in the mirror. I looked tired, dark crescents engraved into the delicate skin under my eyes. I try a smile, but it only made me look as though my eyes had somehow sunken into my skull. My skin was pale, but that was from the lack of sun more than anything else. I wore a plain dress, it feel to just above my knees. It wasn’t like me to get dressed up, not usually. Usually I would have my hair in a messy bun, and my clothes would be some sweat pants and a loose shirt. But today, today I tried to put some effort into my appearance, after all it was a big day: a new person was joining the family.

Sighing once again I pull my closet closed, cutting me off from my reflection. Without a word I move to exit my room, moving through the quiet house like a shadow. The house was unusually quiet, and I was sure that the majority of my family was getting ready for the big occasion, or already at the alter waiting for the love birds to say their vows to one another. I wasn’t sure to what I was going to hear from Tiberius- or even from Hop on that matter. Hop had been absent from the family for a very long time, and now he is getting married? It all seemed like a huge rush- but who was I to even speak? I hadn’t been much better myself, avoiding the eyes of my family whenever it was possible.

The wedding was to take place in the yard. The place had been decorated, the alter in the centre, and a place for the audience to sit and witness the exchange of vows. I take a seat on one of the edges, my eyes turned up to face the strong figure of Hopper who stood up on the alter. He looked a little nervous, but there was also something else that swam around in his deep green gaze. Something that made me smile. Just by looking at him you could tell just how much he loved the man who would soon he his husband. Then there was Tiberius, making his way towards the alter. At first he looked emotionless, but then his eyes connected with Hoppers and that when I truly began to understand what love was. The way the man’s face transformed was something that one could only imagine. The smile that slipped onto his thin lips, the way his eyes brightened at the sight of Hopper- well it just proved to me that this boy wasn’t trying to use my brother, no, he really did love him.

Then the family were hushing each other.

And then there was silence, every eyes was glues to the couple at the front. There was no breath to be heard, no. We all waited, in pure silence, for the first words to be spoken.

Hopper spoke first. It was magical. Really special thing for me to watch as he spoke his heart, words that I never thought I’d hear from his falling from his mouth in an endless stream. The way that he looked at Tib when he spoke was also something that made everything that mush more special.. It was plainly obvious that each word he spoke was true, that each word that escaped his lips were words coming straight from his heart. I sat in silence, my heart aching, aching with joy, as I watch my brother pour his heart out to a guy who accepted it with just as much love. As I listened I wandered if I would ever find someone who would make me feel the way Hop felt, I wander if I would ever find that guy that would make my life that much better. It was sad to think that I would always be alone, that I would grow old on my own and then die on my own. I watch Hop with Tib or even Jammar with his girlfriend and I wish that I could have that type of connection with another human being.

Shaking my head I push away the thoughts of myself and return my attention to the two people in front of me. Hop had stopped talking by now, and was listening intently to the words that slipped from Tib. Again, his words each pulsed with a sense of love that seemed to be unbreakable, and once again I was mesmerised in the magical sense that engulfed me. I watched as they gazed into each other’s eyes, and something passed between them, something private, something that only them two could share. I smile once again, and take a quick glance around at the rest of my family that was gather beside me. As my gaze passes over them my smile grows, this was my family, the people who cared for me, the people who looked out for me- even when I didn’t notice. Then my gaze comes to rest on Tib. I may not know anything about him, I may not like him (I don’t know), but what I did know was that he made my brother happy. And that was all that matter.

Regardless, he was now a member of the family, and I would accept him as nothing less.