my {ace} of h e a r t s // Sunny

When the moon fell in love with the sun
All was golden in the sky
All was golden when the day met the night
When the sun found the moon
She was drinking tea in a garden

A week. In one week there had been so much change in his life. It had been one week since he had slammed the door behind himself. One week since he had walked out on Hopper Goravich, leaving him lying on a hospital bed, that rhythmic beep, beep of a heart machine filling that tension and fuelling him to act on his pain and anger. It had been one week and his life had dramatically changed from that comforting presence of that big goof in his house. Tiberius could hardly admit it, but he had grown to depend on Hopper, having him here in his house, being there and ready to help him when he needed a hand. He had enjoyed protecting Hopper and helping him get his messed up life back into order. Some sort of atonement for all his past sins. It had become more than that, though. There had been something in there, where the two of them had grown close and Tiberius had in some crazy, stupid, ridiculous way fallen in love with Hopper. And he wasn’t afraid of saying that now. He could speak those words and he would feel no shame, because it had been true. But that is the thing, it had. Pronouncing it that way made him hurt more than anything, though. Saying it in past tense was like saying it was something that had been there for the both of them, but really there had been nothing.

Hopper had made his decision. Hopper had made his choice and even if he had not felt an inkling of the same feelings as Tiberius had, he still had made the wrong choice. Even if Tiberius did not feel this way, he knew that he would have screamed the same words; he would have done the exact same thing. He would have been disappointed all the same. Tiberius would have marched right in there, the anger bubbling through him, venomous words slicing into both of their hearts, because he did not regret that. But if Tiberius had not of been in love it would have hurt a lot less. It would not have felt like each word was a blade to his gut, where everything Hopper had done was like it being twisted, and twisted and shoved harder and harder until he just couldn’t take it anymore. That was what it had been like, and he had, true to those words, reached the point where he could not take it anymore. It was why he had left. It was why he had walked away and he had not looked back. That had been the hardest, most painful decision of his life. Tiberius had walked right out of something he loved, something he cherished, he had walked away from the person he had cared for. The only person that had earned a place in his heart aside from Shadow.

Shadow.

That brought back bitter memories. Was Tiberius never meant to have someone? It seemed that way; every person he had cared for had wronged him in such a way he had had to walk away from it all. His heart had been ripped from his chest enough times. Maybe now he would keep it how it once had been. Cold, stony and lonely. He was better off without everyone else. He could focus on work, selling those drugs of his, he would move back into the mansion and pay of his debt, or at least die trying. He did not have to stay in this little apartment anymore. He could go to that giant house that he lived in, the one he had been avoiding for such a long time. He would move on with his life, keep to the things that he knew and understood, drugs, money and debts. He did not understand love, loss and pain. Those kinds of things did not happen to Tiberius Haze. Better off alone and with no that aching pain, then with someone and a fucking whole in his chest. He stood up from the chair he’d been lounging on. The house had turned to shit in the past week. Rubbish lay scattered everywhere and the normally sparkling clean house was a monstrosity. A layer of dust had settled onto everything and a foul smell radiated from the kitchen.

Tiberius was drunk. An extremely unusual occurrence. It made his steps messy, his movements unco-ordinated and his voice slurred. He’d drunken more alcohol in this past week then in his entire life. It was only fair, of course, he was his own person, with his own life. He could get drunk. There was no need for that cold guilt that had settled in his stomach. Trying to shove it a way was not helping him, though. It was stuck there and he did not like it. For one thing he was not sure why he was feeling guilty. The second problem was why he could not figure out how the alcohol was not numbing that cold, unhappy feeling. Alcohol was supposed to make it all go away, when instead he was just feeling worse and worse, his sense of self-loathing growing deeper and deeper with each passing day.

He almost did not hear the knock at the door. Had he not been passing that way he would not have heard it. Frowning slightly he stumbled to the wooden door. Running a quick hand through his hair he tugged it open. At first his drunken mind could not comprehend what he was seeing. Standing there right before him was the one and only Hopper Goravich. Deathly pale and looking like he was about to collapse at any moment the once jubilant and always smiling figure looked a lot like how he had looked after he had shot himself. Almost as bad as Tiberius looked right now. Tiberius stared, mouth dropping a few inches. He had not been expected that. The bottle of beer in his hand slipped from his grasp. It shattered by his foot, a small spike of pain caused him to look down. There was a red patch on his foot, growing larger by the second. “Owww?” The words came out slurred. He looked up again, ignoring this new bit of pain. It wasn’t much compared to the rest. He tried to say something to the man in front of him, his blood shot eyes barely taking in more than that face he cared for so much.

The pain in his chest threaten to over-whelm him. And he slid down the door frame, his eyes flickering away from Hopper and to his dirt covered hands. Suddenly the world wasn’t in focus and it was turning awfully blurry. Within moments tears had begun to fall, he tried to wipe them away, but only succeeded in causing a sob to ripple through his body. His pain pouring out in those few seconds. It was too much seeing Hopper and the alcohol was not helping. ”You hurt me, Hop, you hurt me real bad. I’m hurting so much." He kept his head down, more tears falling, another sob slipping past parted lips. "Why are you here? What do you want?” He spat, his words still carrying that trademark slur of a drunken man, but strong and steady enough to reveal that raw pain that pulsed through Tiberius’ body with every beat of his heart.

In the middle of summer
When the moon found the sun
He looked like he was barely hanging on
But her eyes saved his life
In the middle of summer (summer)

When the moon fell in love with the sun
All was golden in the sky
All was golden when the day met the night
When the sun found the moon
She was drinking tea in a garden

He didn’t expect much. Even in his drunken mind he had little expectations of how this meeting was going to go. Sure almost every single fibre within his body wanted it to all work it. He desperately wanted Hopper to say the right words and make all that pain in his heart go away. And then maybe he could move on, he just wanted to hear the words that would tell him Hopper agreed and that this was as over and finished as Tiberius had made it when he had stormed out of that hospital. That was what he knew was good for him. For this all to end Hopper had to make it. Tiberius had tried and look at him now; it had left him in a wreck. A drunken, smelly wreck that could hardly think for himself. Tiberius did not drink, he did not sit around the house mopping, but in all honesty he was hurting more than he ever had before. Shadow had not even made him feel as hopeless and empty as Hopper did. He was just waiting, he had been waiting for a week for Hopper to come, some part of him knew Hopper well enough to know that he would come and try some sort of feeble apology. It was those thoughts that had forced him to take that first swig of beer, as he attempted to drown at the idea of what that would bring.

It would be painful and a lot worse than the holidays and every time he thought about it he opened another bottle of beer and took another drink. Within a few hours he was drunk and then he just didn’t stop drinking. It felt good, like some sort of release. So he sat there, waiting for Hopper to come, for them to argue and for Hopper to leave and never ever come back. That was good for his head. But his heart did not want that, his heart wanted Hopper to say he loved Tiberius, so that they could hug and kiss and be together. That was stupid, though.

He takes another deep breath, the crisp air of the early morning making his throat sting, but clearing his mind for a few seconds. In those moments he managed to wipe his tears away, his mind finally catching up to the ridiculous position and state he was in. It was pathetic. Tiberius did not cry, he did not weep or sob and yet here he was before the man he wanted nothing to do with, but everything to do with him at the same time, crying his eyes out, his breath smelling like beer, his hands shaking, his eyes bloodshot and puffy. What was Hopper thinking of him now? Was Hopper staring and seeing Tiberius as something he wasn’t? Would this make it all that much easier for Hopper to walk away and then he could go back inside and drink his pain away? That would be nice, buying some more beer and drinking and drinking and drinking until he felt like he’d burst. Instead Tiberius’ questions hang in the air between them for no more than a few moments when Hopper replies with a barely more than a whisper of a single word, “you.” Tiberius freezes, barely registering the soft, gentle touch of Hopper’s hands on his foot, stopping the blood. Somewhere in that foggy mind of his those words penetrate him and he takes another shaky breathe fighting back more tears.

”You were right all along, Tiberius.” Had he been right? Or had it all been one big mistake like everything else in his life? Saving Hopper’s life had, at first, been a mistake. Taking Hopper in and trying to help him had not been a mistake. The days that had passed after that had been amazing. Slowly making Hopper’s life better and better, preparing him to go out and into the big bad world all by himself, where he wouldn’t want to kill himself and where the pain that seemed to control him no longer would be there. That had been a good decision, helping him. Making up for all those mistakes he had made in his life by giving a life back to another person. Sitting here listening to what hopper was saying was hard. It made his heart beat faster and his body hurt more. And he couldn’t think because all he wanted to do was hit Hopper, but he also wanted to hug him and kiss him and tell him he loved him, because he did. He had told Hopper he had loved him as he had walked out of that hospital, he had said it was all over, but in the end Tiberius still loved him, he had fallen for the boy as he had cared for him. He had slipped into a comfortable safe state of his life where he had let his emotions get in the way and now look at him. He was a mess. But he could not stop loving Hopper as much as it hurt.

”I guess… it just took the hard way for me to learn it. But you were right about everything. Trying sui—er, to, um, do that to myself didn’t achieve anything. It just tore us all apart and left me with nothing.” He hadn’t been the only one that had been left with nothing. Tiberius had had one good thing in his life, something he had loved and then that had been taken away from him as well. Tiberius had no one, he had grown up by himself and he had unwittingly fallen into the security and pleasantness of having someone else and now with no one it was just lonely, he was all alone. ”My biggest mistake, though, was when I left you, and I’ll never make that mistake ever again.”

Tiberius could say nothing to that, he was left staring at Hopper his grey eyes taking in the thin, weak form of the man he had come to know. He was drunk and not in a good state, but hearing Hopper’s words made that pain fade a bit more. He opened his mouth to tell Hopper to leave, or at least to say something mean, because Hopper did not deserve forgiveness, not yet, at least. He had made too many wrongs a few words could not fix that, but instead he found himself asking, ”do you love me?”

In the middle of summer
When the moon found the sun
He looked like he was barely hanging on
But her eyes saved his life
In the middle of summer (summer)

When the moon fell in love with the sun
All was golden in the sky
All was golden when the day met the night
When the sun found the moon
She was drinking tea in a garden

When he had walked into that hospital he had not expected much and in all honesty the meeting had gone just as bad as he had expected. The two of them had screamed – well it had been more like Tiberius screaming at a drugged up, dying Hopper. And they had fought, again more of Tiberius speaking his mind, letting loose the painful ideas and notions that had plagued him since the news of Hopper’s little misadventure had reached his eyes. The worst part had been finding out all about it. With Tacara telling Tiberius that Hopper was in the hospital, that he had shot himself in the chest and he had almost died. Tiberius had headed there smiling, happy at the prospect of finally seeing the boy he had not spoken to for weeks. They had only communicated with a few scattered letters so that Tiberius could keep in contact and know that Hopper had not turned to his old ways. In truth Tiberius had believed Hopper was past it. He had fallen into the trap of believing that Hopper was truly better. A week before the accident happened you could have gone up to Tiberius and told him that that was going to happen, and he would have laughed. Because a weekend before the accident he had been more than positive that Hopper was better, that Hopper would never go back to his old ways, that Hopper was better.

How wrong had he been? He had been very wrong; he had made a big mistake by believing that. Maybe Hopper would have never shot himself if he had stayed with Tiberius, if only Tiberius had been smart enough to see that there were cracks in his shabby plastering. And that by leaving him he could not fix those cracks, they would only grow bigger and get worse and worse until he shattered. Tiberius could have stopped it. The first few hours after the news had struck home he’d thought that, he’d believed that this was all his fault because he hadn’t done good enough. He hadn’t seen clearly that hopper was not ready to look after himself yet. And because of that Hopper had shot himself, he had tried to kill himself. Those ideas faded after a bit and within moments he had become angry, so angry that he had stormed down to the hospital that he had torn into Hopper’s hospital room and demanded that he explain this all. In the end he had shoved any kind of blame off of his shoulders and right onto Hopper’s. He had forced himself to believe that Tiberius had made no mistake, because he hadn’t. He had not been in the wrong.

Tiberius looked upwards, his dull grey eyes meeting Hopper’s green ones. They were filled with pain and that old sadness that had haunted them since the day they had meet. It was still there, sitting in the back, but now it seemed to have leaked across and it was so clearly visible that seeing that sadness and pain and hurt was almost enough to make Tiberius crack. But he held in his position, he grasped his hands together and drew them into his lap, waiting for Hopper to answer him. He, in all honesty, had no clue what Hopper would say. In his drunken state he felt as though Hopper would say it, as though Hopper felt the same way. It wasn’t fair that one person should feel this deeply for another and it not be returned. If he had not been drunk he would never have asked, had he not been drunk he would have believed Hopper did not love him. It was a stupid question to ask. Maybe it was a good thing he was drunk right now, that way Hopper could say what he had to say and Tiberius could move on with his life. Maybe then that aching pain in his chest would fade, maybe it would grow, but at least he would know the answer to the question that had been nagging him for weeks.

Hopper opened his mouth.

”Yes, I do love you, Tiberius.”

There are a hundred different things he could have said to answer Tiberius question. There were a thousand different ways he could shut him down, spit on him and leave him hanging, the hole in his heart bearing larger with each passing second. Hopper had said none of those things. Hopper had said nothing of what the sensible part in Tiberius had been expecting. Instead Hopper had filled Tiberius with this weird feeling, with this sudden burst of joy. With this pleasure that he had never felt before. As the words sunk in a smile spread across his lips and whatever lasting resentment, hate and anger within him faded. It was replaced by a growing joy, a new sense of happiness, one that made him forget the sharp pain in his foot, one that made him forget that aching in his chest. Because in those few words the pain fled, it slipped from his heart. He shouldn’t forgive him, he shouldn’t let everything that happened just slip from his mind, but he could not help it. Hell who could? He was facing the man he loved, he was centimetres away from the man that he wanted to be with, the man he had helped, the man he had saved.

Without hesitating he reached forwards, his hands gently grabbing Hopper’s face Hopper’s face. Pulling himself up he leaned forwards, his face stopping only inches away from Hoppers. “I love you too.” He whispered before leaning forwards, his lips touching Hopper’s. He drew him closer and he kissed him.

In the middle of summer
When the moon found the sun
He looked like he was barely hanging on
But her eyes saved his life
In the middle of summer (summer)

When the moon fell in love with the sun
All was golden in the sky
All was golden when the day met the night
When the sun found the moon
She was drinking tea in a garden

It was odd that after Hopper left his house how much Tiberius had missed him. Oddly enough he had woken up every morning coming to expect the fresh smell of food cooking in the kitchen. Hopper always seemed to wake up before Tiberius did. He would always be in the kitchen, the fresh, beautiful smells of breakfast filling the house. It was why Tiberius always woke up with a smile plastered to his lips. He’d jump out of bed and he’d go down stairs, sitting at the table as Hop finished cooking before serving food for the both of them. Tiberius would always wait for Hopper to sit and then he’d look right at Tiberius and he’d wait for Tiberius to take the first bite, as though the praise and the affectionate smiles that were given was the way he were to say thank you for making him this amazing meal. And so Tiberius did that and he’d smile and then Hopper would smile and then they’d eat together. But when Hopper left to head out on his own and to live the life he had been aiming for Tiberius woke up every morning a sombre expression on his face. Some part of him had truly not believed that one day Hopper would actually walk out of this house. He had persuaded himself to believe that hopper would stay. That because he was happy here and that because he was getting better and the two were smiling and laughing that he would stay. He couldn’t understand why Hopper would have wanted to leave.

But he had been wrong.

Hopper sure had left. The morning after he walked out Tiberius woke up and couldn’t get out of bed. He sat there, hoping that maybe it had all been a dream and that maybe if he willed it hard enough that normal, comforting smell of breakfast wafting up to his room would appear. But nothing happened and he eventually forced himself out of bed and down the stairs. He poured himself a bowl of cereal and he ate in silence, refusing to look at the seat that had been occupied by hopper Goravich for over half a year. He didn’t want to look at the empty chair, or the stove, or the lounge room and the chair that hopper often napped in late at night when he just couldn’t make it up to his bed. Hell, it hurt to even remember how Tiberius would grab him and help him up to his bed, or how in the winter both of them had sat in the lounge room, fire giving them warmth and they had played cards or just sat there and talked. He had missed going on walks with Hopper, having a reason to go toe the market’s down at the district square. Hopper had given him a reason to buy fresh food, and eat anything else then bread, milk and maybe a bit of meat. The house had been cleaner and his life had been better.

In all honesty, those six months of his life had been the best. Yes, he had had to deal with a suicidal drag addict. Yes he had sometimes had to hold Hopper down as he had fought to get to some drugs, or as he had tried to cut his wrist or tried something that Tiberius was trying to protect him from. Then Hopper had left and Tiberius had stayed and the two had tried to move on with their lives. And maybe it was because Tiberius had grown to love Hopper and want to protect him that he felt as though letting Hopper go was like he was no longer protecting him. He was cutting away that rope that had bound them together for six months and he was taking away his protection and guidance. Likewise Hopper was taking away that spark in his life, the reason why he had come to smile and laugh.

Maybe that was why Tiberius felt oddly responsible for everything that had happened to Hopper. All the way from him shooting himself in the chest, to him being there, right now, on his doorstep. It was why he had drunken himself crazy and it was why he had cried and why he could not bare to look at himself. He felt responsible. He was supposed to be the one that was there to protect and care for Hopper when no one else could do it and he had let him down. He had let Hopper down, he had let Hopper hurt himself and almost die. All because he had not protected him, all because he had let Hopper walk away and out of his life.

It was his fault, wasn’t it? He hadn’t been there when Hopper had needed him and so Hopper had done what he should not have done and they were both in the wrong here. What do you say to that though? What could Tiberius possibly say to make this all better? He had said those three words, he had told Hopper he loved him, and maybe that promise was enough to make it better, maybe that promise was enough to keep them together and to make sure this did not happen ever again. He hoped it would, Ripred, did he hope it would. Tiberius Haze loved Hopper Goravich and he wanted to protect him, he wanted to care for him and make sure he would never be hurt again. Protect him and make all the mistakes he had ever made better.

There are lots and lots of ways to describe how Hopper’s lips felt against Tiberius’s. Tiberius leaned in, letting the feel of Hopper’s lips on his consume him. It felt right, it felt like something he had been waiting for, for such a long time and it was finally happening. His lips were soft and comforting and for a moment that drunken haze cleared and he pushed onwards, unwilling to let go of Hopper’s face, unwilling to end this kiss, wanting it to last forever. Lovely warmth seemed to spread though him, his hands warming with Hopper’s touch, his body filling with a pleasant joy. He liked this; he liked the feel of this. Grinning under the touch of his lips he let Hopper pull away, knowing that the handsome man in front of him would need to breath. He was still injured, after all. Tiberius did not, however, let his face go, breathing heavily himself he held on, touching his forehead to Hopper’s and holding it there.”I want to make it up to you, I don’t know how but I’ll find a way.” Tiberius grin broadened until he was smiling, eyes shining. ”I love you so much, please don’t leave me again. Stay. Stay here. Stay with me, here, forever. Okay? That is how you can do it, let me protect you.”

In the middle of summer
When the moon found the sun
He looked like he was barely hanging on
But her eyes saved his life
In the middle of summer (summer)