Viktor Ivashkov D6

I have a feeling you wont go away until you know about how I look, well here goes. The way my hair looks isn't such a big deal to me. I do hate my hair though when it gets past my ears so I tend to cut my hair and usually it stays very short. I'm not the tallest guy around nor am I the shortest. I'm about in the middle of the pack in size and that also goes for weight. I wouldn't say I have a strong build nor would I think of myself as weak either. I'm just an average guy living here in the district. I want to improve the way I look by eating more or even doing something to gain muscles, but alas, its hard to fulfill those goals on a weekly basis let alone daily. Maybe some day I'll get stronger and be able to help out my family.

Wait, I forgot to mention one thing. I have trouble breathing. My nose is kind of busted up. When I was little guy, I can remember tripping hard on my face. I must have fell down the stairs of my house and landed on something solid because after this day, my breathing hasn't been the best. I find that I'm not able to keep up hard work without tiring easily. It annoys me that I can't contribute to my fullest without the risk of suffering an attack. I've only had one attack I think in my life and it happened when I pushed myself too hard to help out. Its hard being restricted . Maybe its just me being lazy, but I've always suspected that I have a breathing problem.

I'm always afraid someone will find me when I'm in one of my violent outbursts. Let me tell you a bit about me first before I warn you about my violent side. Kindness. I really do have that within me. Seeing so much fighting like in the hunger games, that would hurt me so much. Why does there have to be so much fighting and violence. You don't know what fighting in general does to me. Its.... such a... hard thing to deal with. Whenever ever I see fighting, if I do happen to see it, I always do my best to prevent further violence. The feeling I get when fighting stops, wow. Joy builds up inside of me until I'm practically radiating it. Almost nothing can take away that feeling. Well there is one thing that does break me of it.

Now would probably be the best time to say a little something about the not so kind side of me. I did tell you about the feeling I get when happiness and joy radiates within me right? Well I've noticed a pattern. Just about every time I'm at my most happy, my full of joy self, I tend to have these violence outbursts. Its like I'm not capable of handling joy. Why is that? I want happiness, joy, and understanding of co-operation in life, yet when I meet that, I get violent. When that happens, there is a lot of bad things being said or things be smashed to pieces. It's what I hate most about me. Right now, I'm not able to feel joy or happiness for very long. Its despicable. I hope some day, I can fix this about me. I want to live knowing that I can feel good about myself without something happening around me.

I might have one idea why my personality is so erratic. Mikhail my brother. I don't think he knew me at all, but I love him. We never got a chance to know each other well, but that wont stop me from mourning my brother. When Mikhail's name had been spoken during the reaping for the 64th hunger games, my heart dropped. I didn't want to see him out there in the arena slashing and murdering, but I did. Maybe he was always like that, but he's my brother. I will always love him no matter what. Seeing him making it day after day in the arena was such a good feeling. That's when he came face to face with that girl from seven. I don't even remember her name. He lost his life fighting against her. I'm sorry, I cant do this anymore. I've told you enough about me.

Sorry about earlier. Thinking about my brother Mikhail is tough. Not a day goes by without me thinking about how I should have volunteered to spare his life. When his name was called during the reaping for the 64th games, I didn't know what to think. Mikhail didn't know me one bit, and I had been too much of a coward to volunteer in his place. I knew I should have volunteered in his place when he died. The pain that erupted once the girl from seven ended his life had to be the worst time that I went through in my life. Maybe someday, I'll get the chance to apologize to him. I am close with the rest of my family. We are a pretty close-knit family. Nothing will break us apart. The family has already lost Mikhail, so I will do my best to protect what we have left.

I told you a bit about how I struggle with the kind and violent sides of me. There's this one incident after Mikhail's death that shows how bad I can get. It happens I believe somewhere in town. Hard to remember with it being so long ago. I don't even remember why I was in the town, but I remember some low life scum mention something about Mikhail's death. What happened afterwards was scary. I believe me and the stranger got into a fight. Nothing serious from what I remember, but afterward, I remember my hands shaking, horrified at snapping in the middle of town. I know I struggle with controlling myself, but losing it in the middle of town was unbelievable. There could be a diagnosis for what may be wrong with me, but I've never found out. Or I could have, but forgotten what that might be.

Well I think I've told you a good amount of information about me, but maybe a little more wont hurt a bit. I'll admit that I've thought about escaping from the district. Its hard living here knowing that I could die like Mikhail did. I don't want to die away from my family. It's too hard just thinking about death. I'm very much afraid of it. How I die is constantly in my mind. Will I die alone or honorably? Away from my family or in the arms of one of them. I'm afraid that when I die, I wont make my family proud. I don't even know if they're proud of me now. I feel like a disgrace to the Ivashkov name. I'll prove that I'm worthy of the family name in some way before I die.

Member of the Ivashkov family, courtesy of Kiah.