Say {something} [Semper]

If the lapping waves of the ocean could speak now, they would shout the worst forms of abuse. “What are you useful for? What good are you doing anymore?” I tried to block them out, I really did. I would throw myself into the dark depths, but I could never force myself to go limp. I could never make myself give up or quit, because if there is one thing Riley Halifax is not, it’s a quitter. I am many things, including a loser with a half chance of making it past my teenage years, but I will not be classified as that. The ocean, which I have put much stock into, will not be my final resting place, as well as this ground will not. I will choose when I go and when it happens. Not some kid who does not know me, and not the ocean with its large, intimidating waves.

I thought that by coming down here, this place that had for so long been defined as comfort, might, in some way, make me feel welcome. Maybe I thought that the cold air could not reach my heart as I buried it deep beneath the sand. But I was wrong, oh was I wrong. All I felt was raw, with the cold air piercing at my skin and the air stinging like salt in a wound. There is no comfort here, there is nothing but despair. Why couldn’t I find the same joy that was so easily discovered a few months ago? It couldn’t have been about the games, as I had no tie to either of the kids that had died. The boy went pretty far, and I guess in a way it was upsetting, but I had never thought about it. There wasn’t much I was emotionally connected to, not anymore. There was no point, as I would be grabbing at thin air. I could love someone all I wanted, but they would not love me. I am not, in any way, loveable.

The dock that surrounded me was rough and cracked, filled with tears of laughter and sorrow, young broken hearts and moments of joy that were un-equivalent to anything I had ever felt. There were memories intricately woven into the planks beneath my feet, and now, at this low point, I wanted to rip each board apart and toss them to the ocean. They meant nothing, not anymore, nothing but fade-to-black scenes of a simpler time. Why do we hold so tightly to the memories that will do nothing but destroy us?

The sky is now a hazy grey, and by this point, I had lost track of time. Not that it mattered, because no one was expecting me to be anywhere. My parents knew that in times of desperation, I would be here, and it was an unspoken meeting place. But now, I did not want them here, I wanted nothing but the simplicity of being alone. But if this place was as quiet as people deemed it to be, why was it now so noisy? Why were shouts and violent yells flooding my ears and overwhelming me to the point of terror? I desperately threw my hands over my ears and laid down on the unsteady planks of wood. “No, go away! I don’t want to hear you. I don’t want--” My words were trailing off into less of a command and more of a desperate plea. I wasn’t supposed to be weak; I was supposed to be Riley Halifax, boy of seventeen, who would make his own choices and not have a care in the world.