War of da keengdumz

So in my kingdom we do two things-- actually three. We drink, we sing, and we play scrabble with turkeys. But fight is not one of them (usually). So when I see this bloodthirsty mess going on all around me I felt obligated to step in. I didn’t really like many of these rulers, I mean there were only two or three with reasonable sense in these types of matters. I looked over annoyedly to the troll king, who was swinging his sword around like it was nobody’s business. “Yo, excuse me, but you’re disturbing our drunk game of singing scrabble and I’d really appreciate it if you were dead so we could continue.”

[attacks Tom, sword]
[dice=200+1000]
[Shallow Cut on Right Thigh; 3.5]

[my damage: 0]

Um, woah, back the fuck up. What are all of these creatures doing here. This is next to my lair I don't like trespassers. GO AWAY YOU HOOLIGANS! Stupid sparkly fairies and weird unicorns.

ALSO GUYS

GUYS, T-THERE'S A



i'm hilarious

[attacks tom, claws]
[dice=200+2000]
[Shallow Cut on Back of Head -- 4.5 damage]

So much yelling; so much blood. I like it. The only thing that would make this better was if I had a nice, cool beer to drink with it. Thankfully, I always carry a bottle of beer with me, and I took a swig and then poured some of it over the tip of my sword. Now at least, whoever I kill will taste the wonders of elf beer. It is by far the best beer in all the kingdoms, making it one of our greatest exports. I looked over to the troll king that I had been swinging towards. He did not deserve to have his blood mixed with my delicious beer.

[attacks Tom, sword]
[dice=200+1000]
[Shallow Cut on Back; 4.0]

[my damage: 0]