^M A R Y^B E N N E T^D8 {DONE}

All my life

I've been fighting a war

I can't talk to you or your friends

It's not only you

My heart jumps around when I'm alluded to

This will not do

I was never the girl people wanted me to be. I suppose the only thing I had going for me is my appearance, with long blond hair and misty green eyes. Something that the men of district 8 love more than anything. They come in scores asking for a single date, promising riches and love. Their promises are empty, lies through the pearly whites of boys who never faced a single struggle in their life. I do not want their attention, because people are not honest, kind, or caring.

I am not sure what brings these men to my home searching for me. My sisters are just as pretty and constantly showing it off. I, however, choose to accent the things that make me what they would consider unattractive. A single mole on my face, a dark brown spot, is always accented, never covered up. I hide my height by avoiding the heels that my sisters believe men find attractive. In fact, I avoid all the things that make men happy. I find ways to make the other girls seem more attractive, wearing the less noticeable dress, putting on little to no make up.

The list of things that scare me is a mile-long, but right at the top of the list is men followed by attention. When the latter comes from the former, well let's just say I tend to end up sneaking away, my 5'6" frame disappearing without a sound. I often end up at the piano, quietly playing the notes. With nimble hands my fingers tumble over each other causing the notes to be cluttered and wrong, just like me.

Cause I was raised up

To be admired to be noticed

But when you're withdrawn it's the closest thing

To assault when all eyes are on you

This will not do

I find attention to be the same thing as assault because people do not need to know what I am up to. They thing that by prying into my life they help me escape my shell of shyness. They think that I want to be helped, that I enjoy talking to other people. Obviously they don't understand that talking with others is hard for me, that my words stumble over each other because I am so nervous. I have always been this way, a girl who just wants me to be ignored, left alone to my own thoughts. 

My sisters are perfect suitors. They can dance and sing and play piano with grace, they take their talents for granted, because they care more about men. They never need to worry about who they will love, not in the way I do, because they don't feel the way I do, not when it comes to attraction. But attraction and love are different things, because I can still be attracted to women and love men can't I?

I'm faking glory

Lick my lips toss my hair

And send a smile over

And the stories brand new

But I can take it from here

I'll find my own bravado

While the other kids in my district suffered, my family lived without worries. One of the most aristocratic families of district 8. There was never fights over who ate today or panic over the chances of starvation. But one of the most despicable things I've seen my sisters do is elect not to eat, because beauty comes first to them. I am right in the middle of the five daughters my parents had, the true middle child. While it makes it easier to blend in at the constant parties my parents throw, it also makes it difficult to feel like a true part of the family.

I remember being 7, with my hair pulled back in a bun, as my sisters and I played on the lawn. When a boy my age walked up to me and asked to play with us. I began to shake fearful of this boy who was unknown to me. My sisters laughed and commented on how he was cute and he could play. They did not fear him the way I did. They didn't have an irrational fear of people. That curse became my downfall, because when you live in a family whose lives revolve around a shifting group of party guests, being afraid of them is a big no-no. My mother quickly became angry with me, demanding that I learn to push aside my fears and find a man.

I wanted to find a man, because I knew it would make her happy. So I began a few futile attempts to talk to them, but they always ended with the man turning away with disgust or pity. I decided to first start with women and work my way up to men. The first three or four conversations were busts, but then I began to get the hang of it. I was talking with a girl my age, and as we discussed the people around us, I noticed a horrifying thought. She's attractive. A simple thought that betrayed everything my family believed in. I stomped it out of mind and continued trying to ignore the way her hair cascaded around her head and how her lips were so full. These were unnatural thoughts, suggesting at things that were unthinkable. So I ignored them and continued on my hunt for the right man.

I really want to find the right man for myself, because these past years have been a mess. All I want is to make my family proud, if that means practicing piano for days at a time, and talking vocal lessons then so be it. If it means settling for a man who is not as nice but very attractive so be it. If that means denying every feeling I have, then so be it. But thats all far down the road of life, for now, I will the same quiet girl I have always been.

FC: MELISSA ROXBURGH
SONG: BRAVADO-LORDE