carousel fer; district three; fin

a p p e a r a n c e » i could tell you but you won't believe me

I don't know what I look like. I don't look in mirrors. All I know is what people have told me and what I have noticed- I have blonde hair, and it floats everywhere around me. I don't tame it at all, so it's a mess. I don't know what color my eyes are. And I'm pale, but not as pale as Kinsey. Somewhere in the middle. I'm probably paler than normal people from being inside so much, but I don't know if it's noticeable. I haven't seen anyone for- three days, now? I think that's how long. I'm not good with keeping track of time.

I wear things for days or weeks at a time, sometimes. I don't change my clothes unless I have to. I don't exactly move much, so they don't get dirty, really. More just dusty.
I don't think much about my appearance. All I know is I am Carousel Fer, Carousel Fer with the blonde hair and the ghost eyes. Before I stopped leaving the house, I remember people called me spooky. People called me haunting. I haven't thought much of it, but I suppose that could be true.

I have never been particularly unusual looking, I believe. I am slightly fairer than the general district population- at least, I believe so. I have no way of knowing, really. That would require leaving, and I have no desire for that. My family looks fairly similar to me overall, I think. I don't believe there is anything drastically different. Some of them are a tiny bit darker than me, but there isn't much variation among us. Maybe that's one of the reasons everyone thinks we're so terrifying.

I don't care about beauty. I don't care about appearance at all, see. I have no reason to. I don't look bad, or at least, I don't believe so.
I have never craved to be pretty or beautiful.
Some in my family- some of them have. I don't know what has happened in the past, and I don't even know much of what has happened to my closer relatives. I can tell that some of them want to be gorgeous, though, and I- I don't know why. Maybe that is another thing about me that is broken.

p e r s o n a l i t y » you say you do but you don't deceive me

I am neutrality.
My family tends to shift sides, walking the lines between good and evil. I am stable. I do not move from my position. When someone needs an imbalanced ear, I am here. I can listen. I will not offer my own opinions on the matter, but sometimes that is not what is important. Sometimes people just need someone to listen.
I like to be alone, too.
Sometimes I lock my door. It does not change much, but it gives me an odd feeling, knowing that I could do anything and nobody would know. I do not do much. Standing up to close the door alone makes my bones ache and my head spin. Anything more than that would be too much.
I do not like movement. I do not like talking. I like silence. I like being alone with my thoughts. Sometimes I think I hear people talking to me, but nobody is there. Those are the times I am glad for my music boxes. They keep the worst of the silence away and they stop the ringing in my ears.
My family worries about me.
They tell me I am antisocial and that it scares them that I do not do anything. I never pay them much mind.
Sometimes I wish I could feel something, though.
I have never been one to wish for things I cannot have. But somehow, sometimes, I just wish I could be- I wish I could understand what it feels like to want things, to move and talk and laugh. I wish I could be normal, sometimes.
That's my biggest secret, I think. And I know a lot of them. Often when someone in the family has a confession, they come to my room, and they tell me. And I listen. That is how I know Tsara gets insecure sometimes, or how Kinsey sometimes thinks the voices are getting to be too much. And they trust me. They trust me to not tell anyone, because I don't say anything.
I haven't talked since I was seven.
My voice is probably stiff from disuse. It is by choice, mind. I could talk if I wanted to, I'm sure. I just have no desire. I will talk when I have something worthy of saying.
That is one of the reasons Kinsey likes being around me so much. He's said that there are so many voices around him, it's nice not having mine too.

I don't eat much. Sometimes my family makes me, when they worry too much, and I do because I don't bother arguing. But I don't by choice. I see no problem in the idea of wasting away to nothing. It would be rather nice, wouldn't it? Maybe I am meant to. This is not something I think about a lot, though.
They make me shower and such upon occasion, too. I like the feeling of water streaming down my skin. Once I was showering, and the water was lukewarm, like I usually keep it. Someone stomped in- I don't remember who. They reached over and they turned up the water, and it was nearly scalding. And I liked it, because it burned me, and I felt like I could melt away into nothing. I haven't done it again, though, because there is simply no point. That is how I feel about most things.
I don't leave the house. I stopped doing that long, long ago. I don't know if it's been months or years yet. I don't know what season it is, because there are no windows in my room. I barely notice the passing of night or day.
Related to that: my sleeping schedule is irregular, to say. I drift in and out of dreams all day and night. I never remember them when I wake up.

I know everybody lets you down
And I'll do the same
But know I'll always be around
This can remain the same

h i s t o r y » dead hearts are everywhere

When I was seven years old, I stopped talking.
It wasn't a conscious decision. I just stopped having things to say. I wasn't on strike or trying to prove a point. I didn't want to say anything, so I didn't. And people don't seem to understand that.
Even back then I was low-key.
I've never been active or excitable. I used to be a little happier, I think. Not that I'm not now. Content, I would call it. I am content. I have always been. There have never been ups and downs to my moods. Stable. They are stable. I am stable.
When I was seven, I stopped talking. I think I was about ten or twelve when I stopped leaving the house. It could've been longer than that, and it could've been shorter. Days and months and years- they go by outside my walls. And my family lives their lives, and I sit. And I live mine. It's not much of a life, by most people's standards, but it is all I need. I have no desires for anything more.
Nothing is stopping me from doing things, either. I am not locked in my room or punished for leaving. I choose to stay, in my room, alone, because that is how I like to be.
That is how it has always been.

They think I am not right. They think I am not right in the head. Sixteen is too young to be a ghost, they say. They is-the world. The district. Everywhere, I suppose.
Kinsey is the only one who does not think I am a freak. Even the others in the family don't understand my lifestyle. They try, really. I know they do. It is apparently something beyond their comprehension. Topia can't stand to look at me, even. I'm too unkept for her. I haven't seen her for maybe months. Maybe a year, now.


When I was younger, I had a friend. I don't remember his name now. He was five and I was six, and he didn't talk much either, he didn't mind when I was quiet. His mother stopped letting him talk to me, though. She said I was just another one of those freaky Fer children. And I suppose I was. I still am, in some respects. All I want is quiet. That is all I need. I do not know why I am looked at as a freak because of this.
My family used to try to make me do things, too. They kept telling me they didn't want me to rot in my room and that they worried for me. I don't see the cause for worry. If I am happy, I am happy, and I am not happy but I am content. And that is good enough.
They leave me alone, now, for the most part. And when they talk to me it is on my own terms. That is, they come to my room, and they talk to me, and they leave. And I stay.

codeword:


comments/other: first rp in a long time. i'm sorry. that is all i can say.
lyrics; "State Of Dreaming"-Marina and the Diamonds; "Smother"-Daughter; "Remain Nameless"-Florence + The Machine
fc; corinna studier