yier mintsu | district five // fin

Mum always says that I'm the opposite of what I should be. That a seventeen-year-old guy shouldn't be like me. Girly arms and girly legs, she complains, and I don't even know why that's wrong. Is it some kinda crime that I'm not a manly man with manly man muscles and all that manly man stuff that they describe in books?

Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and I wonder if this is how a girl's built. According to Mum, Dad, and even my little brothers Xier and Zier, it is. My entire family's big and buff and even Mum has a lot of muscle, so where did my a bit too slim and what everyone calls 'girly' statue come from?

The only thing I can do is run. Running's fun, at least for me. Besides, it's not like I can do anything else. If I can barely carry my own backpack to school, how am I supposed to play the rough games that X and Z play? Everyone knows that my twig bones'll snap and I'll end up in the hospital again.

Mum says my face's like a girl's, too. Like how I've got a soft jawline instead of the hard chisled ones that everyone else in my family seems to have. How I've got thin, soft lips unlike how everyone else seems to have big and manly and chapped (apparently a sign of manliness) ones. They even say I smile like a girl.

Some people even say that if I didn't have short hair, I would be mistaken as female all the time. Some people actually do think I'm a cute little lady just with cute little short black hair with some cute little bangs hanging in front and shading part of my eyebrows. That's why I always keep my hair short. Never to my eyes.

And on the topic of my eyes, I'd like to tell you that they're a really really dark brown, almost black. It's just that no one ever really gets to take a good look at my pupils; my eyes're really squinty. Nah, I don't take it too offensively, but I do wish people could stop telling me to open my eyes wider in photos when I obviously can't.

Personally, I don't think I look so feminine that I should be mistaken as the opposite gender. I think it's just how I'm compared to everyone else in my family. Maybe if I were born to a family where everyone really do look like girls, I would be considered a guy. 

Usually, I really don't like doing stuff that requires brute force. Ever since I was born, I've been the delicate flower of the family. The daughter Mum and Dad never had. So while Xier and Zier are wrestling and doing all these kinds of things I don't have the guts to do, I'm sitting inside drawing a flower or something.

Don't get me wrong, I've never wished to be big and buff and all brawn and no brain like them. I just wish for people to stop treating me like a porcelain doll. Super breakable and needs someone to lock it in a glass cabinet. Sure, my limbs are weak, but I'm not that easily broken, right?

I like to think that I could never be accidentally knocked over the edge of a table and shatter into pieces too small to ever be put back together. I like to think that I'm strong and can stand up for myself. But really, could I? Or would I always have to rely on other people to save me? I'm like a stereotypical damsel in distress.

I'll admit that I am a bit of a doormat, and when I'm not, not a lot of people notice me. People like to pick on me and words always have a huge affect. Sensitive? I guess so. Some of my friends tell my that I can't take a joke, too. But even so, I make sure to always keep a smile on. (It's really really hard.)

Hey, but it's not like Mum and Dad want me to be their daughter. I think it's why they're always comparing me to some girl. To lower my self-esteem. But you know, sometimes I just get tired of being compared to a girl. I mean, there's gotta be some girl out there who looks and is treated like a guy and wishes she didn't.

Well, I'm kinda stuck in this life, so I better enjoy it. People say that I'm a pretty cheery kid, if not a pretty cheery girl. Always smiling his girl smile. Always laughing. The only times I let myself feel sad and cry (like a girl, they've told me) is by myself. I don't need Mum scolding me again for doing something so weak.

Is it bad that I can't handle a lot of pressure without locking myself in my room and crying my eyes out? If people knew, they'd say I was a crybaby. All I want is to hide this fact from everyone and not have them know how really wimpy I am. Call me insecure, I'll admit it's true.

I don't really like how I'm treated. Physically, I'm the injured little bird that's prevented from doing anything and is trapped in a cage. Emotionally, I'm like an invincible wall that'll never ever fall. Come on here, insults always hurt. Even if I keep smiling, it doesn't mean I didn't feel anything.

Oh well, it's like how Mum says to suck it up. Suck it up because this is the only life I've got.

Sometimes I feel like everyone else had such a warm welcome into the world. Even as they were this disgusting bundle of baby, their parents were probably smiling and damn proud of themselves. Mum's told me about how she grimaced in disgust when I dared show my girl face to the world.

She tells me how she was downright confused (and angry) about how she had a baby girl when the scans said I was gonna be a boy. Mum and Dad're pretty sexist, I'll tell you. They tell us that girls are useless. Boys can work. And when I ask Mum about what she thinks about being a woman, she tells me she considers herself a man.

Sometimes I think that Mum's lying about the entire thing just to make me feel worse about not being strong enough. Don't all babies look gender neutral? Xier and Zier tell me that they lie a lot to me just to keep me out of trouble. Hiding things so I wouldn't somehow get hurt with it. Or they lie about stuff just to trigger some emotions.

I think that after I learned to walk was when everyone saw that I was a complete weakling. Always falling and always breaking my fragile bones, they say. There was never too big a break between my hospital stays, so Mum and Dad soon figured out to keep me inside and safe to prevent those hospital fees.

Ever since, I've been the boy at the window, looking out at all the rough games they're playing. Sometimes I feel glad that I'm not the kid who just got pushed down and stepped on. Sometimes I wish that I were the kid who just scored and was applauded by their parents and friends.

Growing up, I've never had a lot of friends, as most people just picked on me. But the ones I did have really supported me and were really close. They tell me things about myself that I would've never noticed and help me when I'm down. You could say they're kind of like a walker for an old man.

Xier was born two years after me and then Zier was born two years after him, leaving us with two year gaps. I guess I was jealous of them at some points, being perfectly strong and able to work and impress the ladies. All I could do was run. Running seemed to let all my anger and sadness and jealousy go. And I just liked the feel of the wind.

• FIGURE SKATER: Yuzuru Hanyu as Yier Mintsu