Broken/Shattered/Destroyed {Lulianna standalone}

Dear Mizar,
Time has stood still since you went away. It seems like only yesterday you left us. I'll never forget the moment you stepped forward at the reaping in place of that one girl. You volunteered, and I don't know if it was to save her, or to keep your promise to Muscinda, but you volunteered. It was painful watching you step forward as I knew what would happen. I knew it could be the end of your life, but you didn't seem to care. I guess it's what you wanted. You were shipped away to the Capitol leaving me in my own tears, and a shattered heart. I wasn't able to do anything. I couldn't move- couldn't think, but I tried to move on as I knew it was your wish. Mom and dad finally started smiling. They were happy you volunteered. They wanted you gone, and they yelled at me every time I would cry. I don't think they understood the pain going through my life. They didn't know what it was like, well, they may have, but I don't think they cared. I spent most of the next few days away from the house because I didn't want to be around them. I hate them, and they hate you. What difference does it make? None. I spent a lot of time standing in the district square waiting for news about the games.  I didn't want to leave the screen as I followed along with the pregames. I wanted to make sure you were okay, but since I wasn't there, I couldn't help you.  I watched the tribute parade. I looked for the training scores, and seeing your score of a seven only made me wonder if you really tried in training. You could do so much better than a seven because I know you as a career.  I watched the interviews knowing that it could easily be the last time I saw you alive and well without fear of death. You made me proud during the interview. I wanted to shout to everyone that you were my sister- I wanted them to know that you were going to be okay, but truth was, I didn't know if you'd be okay. I couldn't sleep that night though as it was your last night away from the games. I paced around the room over and over as a waterfall fell from my face. My heart pranced around inside my chest as butterflies flipped around inside my stomach twisting my innards into tiny pretzels. My hands shook rapidly as I stared at the stars wondering if you would make it out of the games alive.  I stared out the window until the sun began to rise into the sky, and I quickly ran towards the district square. The screen was playing as I watched you rise into the arena. Fear pulsed through my veins. I wanted to run into the screen to help you, but I was here, and I honestly have no idea where they took you. You were so far away, and I wanted to help you. I watched as you fought through the bloodbath. I watched as you severed the leg of the guy from three. I watched as you fought bravely grabbing items and attacking people. You did absolutely amazing with your attacks. You ran as soon as you became a target. You had survived, Mizar, you survived. You ran through the arena screaming at someone, but nobody was around you. I can only guess it was Muscinda based on what you were saying. I had to laugh when you threw the axe at nothing. It was funny. You met up with your alliance and everyone started patching that one girl up, and then it changed. It happened so fast...other tributes ran into your area attacking you...attacking the girl you all patched up....that guy from two somehow ended up trapped in vines...they ran away leaving the girl you all patched up dead...and then all hell broke lose again. The guy from seven, your ally, started attacking you! I watched as he severed your hand clean off your body, and how you basically gave up on fighting. You knew you were dead, but I didn't want you to give up. I wanted you to keep fighting! I guess it was hard to use that weapon you had with only one hand though. I was begging you to keep fighting though. I needed you to keep fighting! I needed you to stay strong! I needed you to return home! I needed you! I screamed and begged! People were staring at me, but I didn't care. "GET UP MIZAR! FIGHT! GET UP! COME ON FIGHT!" I didn't know what to do. I watched as he slammed the axe into the back of your head. You yelled at him as you collapsed onto the ground. You told him so many things I can't remember. You apologized to Sam.. I didn't even know you were in love. You apologized to the girl who died before you. You begged for that career boy to help you, but it was too late. You died...live...for all Panem to see. Your cannon rang out through the arena, and I collapsed towards the ground. I couldn't stand. I couldn't breathe. You were dead. You died! I begged for you to stand! I begged for it to be fake! I didn't want to believe it! I can't believe it now! I don't want to ! People ran to comfort me, but they had no idea what it felt like! They tried to tell me it would be okay, but it'll never be okay. Mom and dad were laughing when I returned home. They were so happy you had died, and it pisses me off. I hat e them, I hate everything about them. I went into your room and locked the door, and on your bed was a letter addressed to me. I read it and started sobbing violently. I didn't care if anyone saw me. I don't care if anyone cares about me anymore. I couldn't save you, Mizar. I let you down! I let you die on the screen for everyone to see, but I couldn't do anything if I tried. You left me, Mizar. You ran away when I needed you the most. You asked for this to happen. You volunteered for the games. You didn't have to, but you did! You ran away because you wanted to keep a stupid promise, and look where the stupid promise got us! You're gone! Muscinda's gone! Mom and dad are extremely happy, and I don't know what to do anymore. Drae tries to comfort me, but it doesn't always work. I can't be strong when more and more children are suddenly pouring into the house saying they belong here. They hate us. They all hate us. I try to be strong, but I don't know how to be strong anymore. My heart is in a million tiny pieces and nothing I do will fix it. I can't even put on the brave mask that I'm okay because I'm not, and I don't know how to pretend anymore. I need you here with me. I need you now, Mizar. I wish I could wake up and this all be a dream, but every time I go to sleep I dream about you dying. I can't do it anymore. I can't! I'm dying Mizar, and nobody will save me. He's dead though. A Capitol mutt crushed his skull. He paid the price for destroying you, and whoever wins will have to pay the price as well because I'll kill them. I don't care to kill them since they are alive, and your never going to be alive again. I'll be joining you soon. I don't know when, but I'll escape from this world. I can't be strong anymore. I'm dead to everyone anyone. Mom and dad disown me. I wish I had a family who cared about me. Nobody does. Why did you leave me? Why did you run away? Why did you volunteer for the games you idiot! I hate you, Mizar! I'll never love you anymore. I needed you, and you're gone. I wish I could make sense of things, but I can't. Just kill me! Kill me and I'll be with you! I'll rot in the depths of hell if only I could see you again. I miss you Mizar. I really really do. I just wish you were here because I need you now more than ever.
Love,
Lulianna

I miss you, Mizar, more than words can ever describe. Please please please forgive me. Please forgive me....