{j u s t} the {b e g i n n i n g}

lyric woulf


i was left to my own devices
many days fell away with nothing to show
and the walls kept tumbling down

in the city that we loved

It's as if the world stopped. Pain snaking its way up my spine, fire baking the skin upon my back. My knees locked, refusing to take a single step. Feeling making it's way out of my body in a single, strangled cry. Has he already left? Thrown his axe into my back and ran, leaving what was left of his ally writhing upon the ground. Soaked in her own blood and in the blood of two others. Every passing second pulls my eyelids closer to sunken cheeks. The fatigue of these seven days finally wrapping cold hands around my body. They lifted my skyward, pulling me into it's chest. "S-Soap?" was it really him? The sweet, awkward man had stayed to say goodbye. I cannot help but smile as best I could through blood and tears. The sick, yet familiar, cocktail to be the last thing I'd ever taste. If he replied to my words, I couldn't hear him. The thick flow of blood causes a rushing in my ears, making everything else nearly illegible. But I don't much care. I swear to ripred I'd always get the last word. 

"L-listen here you little shit." It's a desperate attempt to lighten the mood, to assure him that my blood was on no other's hands but my own. The moment I screamed those two, fateful words it was a done deal. People like me don't win the games. I have no real talents, nothing that'd save me here. I was too willing to give it all for people I'd met only weeks ago. Quite honestly, I never wanted it to end like this. I was sure something else would've gotten me before he could. At least now I knew how Colgate O'leary had gotten that twelve. "You're a dirty liar, y-y-you..." my chest heaves upward, hands rushing to keep the blood trickling out of my mouth from further staining his clothes. My body begs to give up, to finally rest in the arms of the boy who had killed me... and who I loved. 

So I force my eyes upwards, ignoring the ash beginning to bleed into my vision. Take the deepest breath I could manage and continue "You are sorry, Colgate. But... but I'm not." I try to touch his face, to raise my hand and cup it around his cheek. Was he crying? I can't see anymore, the sodden ash was far too overpowering, I was only able to make out the dark mop upon his scalp which had so often been a sign of comfort. Was I crying? Feeling had long since drained from pale limbs, leaving little but a dull ache and a harsh pounding which was growing ever weaker. "I knew I wouldn't make it... y'know. It's the reason I-i" my voice trails off once more, my mind scrambling to wrap around the words I wished to speak. "Though, I don't think I'm okay with it... Dying. I'm not gonna pretend to be s-strong. I've spent my whole life lying Colgate, I'm fucking sick of it." I'm sure I'm crying now, or perhaps it's blood falling from my cheeks, making a soft splash upon hard ground "I'm s-scared to leave you. The irony... right?" I laugh, or at least try to, "But... as shitty as I am. I'm all you got Bubble Boy. So you better make it outta this. For all of us." 

With the last ounce of strength remaining in my body, I press my lips against his cheek, collapsing back into his arms once more. I couldn't move if I wanted. And, ripred, I wanted to. To spring back upwards and pull the axe from my back. I'd throw my arms around Soap, and promise him that it didn't have to be like this. And apologize for attacking him. Just kidding mate, let's go wreck 'em. I wanted to forget that he was the one who had done this to me. I'd forgiven him long ago. The moment a smile stretched across his lips, I knew that it'd be hopeless to be angry. In a way, it was always gonna end like this. I'd rather die at the hands of a friend than an enemy. Just... not so soon. 

How badly i had wanted to see this through. To make sure my allies lived the longest life they could. Savannah was dead... hadn't I pressed my lips against her skin, unbeknownst to me that only a day later I too would lay in his arms, life fading from me just as it had her. And Claude... my boy. My pretty little boy where did you go? I knew he was snapping, could see it, in his once bright eyes. I should have watched him. Held his hand and made sure that he didn't wander off. He was my responsibility. And big surprise I'd fucked up. I could feel it when his canon rang. I knew he was gone. Maybe I'd see him. Perhaps Savannah and he were partying in wherever you went after your canon sounded. Savannah with two, functioning arms, and Claude free of the demons which plagued him. I'd like that, I think. I'd like that a lot. 

Only moments have passed, but they stretched on like hours. My body curled into his chest, dying. Eyes shut tight and mind beginning to fall into one, final rest. I've never felt more at home than in his arms. I've never belonged anywhere more than this arena. I found my family, and I'd join the rest of them soon.  The loves of my life were waiting for me. I just had to let go...

Now, I can only pray to Ripred I don't see Soap there.

I'm beginning to think that thing is more than just a figment of my parent's imagination. Or... at least I hope it is. Maybe I'm just a hypocrite. Cause wherever I'm going its nothing short of hell. Sucking up to the giant judge in the sky didn't seem like such a bad idea. Perhaps it gave me hope that... it wasn't over yet.

You can feel it coming, you know? The life was slowly pooling around my body amongst crimson springs. My heart became nothing more than a feeble skipping. And uneven rhythm to which my spirit swayed. Watch me dance, Sav. 

And with one, thunderous beat, it was all over. 

How am i gonna be an optimist about this?

The light almost hurts. Almost. There was no feeling , just bright, white nothing. Ten toes, ten fingers. Short, blonde hair falling in ringlets to my jaw. Thin, colorless scars tracing patterns upon white skin, a grim reminder of what is. Or... what was? I could have laid there, for what surely would have been an eternity. And perhaps I did. Or, for only moments before I was able to will myself to move. A slight music wafted over a non existent breeze, leading me to the doors of what surely was a bar. A pleasant aroma filled the place, calming me as soon as I stepped in. 

oh where do we begin?

And then, my heart stopped. Or it would have, if it was still beating. There she was, hair long and combed. Much more than the matted mess, stained with blood and tears the last time I'd laid eyes on the girl. "Savannah!" I'm crying once more...but it's different. Not filled with the angst of lost, or hopelessness of survival. It's pure, uncontainable joy at once again finding something you lost. Before I know it, I'm sprinting towards her, arms flung outward to once again hold her close. 

the rubble or our sins?

Maybe it was all a fevered dream. The last desperate wish of a dying girl. Perhaps the moment my cannon rang was truly the day my life was over. 

It begs only a simple question, really: Was this the end? 

or.....

but if you closed your eyes
does it almost feel like nothings changed at all
and if you closed your eyes

does is almost feel like you've been here before

Acknowledgements:

Rosetta and South: You guys are wonderful<3 Great games and thanks for making this experience all the better 
Rook: ayy mate you helped me tons when I was freaking out about training stations and volunteering. thanks and good luck
Kire: you were amazing throughout this whole thing<3 offering me a spot in this amazing alliance was a chance in a lifetime. 
Stare: you are literally the sweetest human being on this earth. it was a pleasure writing with you. thank you for the wonderful tables and can't wait to thread again
Thundy: akjdaklsdj Soap is so amazing and this alliance was perfect. It was such a pleasure learning from you and having you to fall back on when I was worried. Good luck, and I hope Soap makes it for all of us Aetherians.
Python: hello there C; thank you for listening to my rantings and ravings this whole games, and i am literally in love if laila, the was you write her is stunning. Good luck dear. 
Ele: it was a pleasure writing with you and talking to you. Thanks so much for just writing beautiful characters. 
Kay: you were wonderful support these games, and an excellent role model on how to react to trib death. you really helped me mourn and get over lyric's final days and you're just amazing. thank you<3
Cass: thank you so much for taking care of my baby while I was away. you've been there for me no matter what, whether to help me prepare for mandates or talk me down when i was upset. you are truly wonderful and i cannot thank you enough. 
Anyone else I missed: shit i swear i didn't forget about you, but i'm a mess of feels rn and can't think straight. thank you nonetheless<3