Wishing waiting (Marree)

"Are you sure you don't want me going in there with you? You know I will. You can wait another day, Kya. You just got out of the hospital." Jeran asks me with that tone. That brotherly tone that, while I appriciate it, I don't need it. He made me go home last night so that I may sleep in my own bed and deal with things on my own. 'peace and quiet' is what he called it. Although, I never slept. I could barely budge my eyes to do their own bidding. I was so freaked out the moment I turned the lights out. The visions kept haunting me. His face is burned into my memory. His actions are set on replay. Years of torment coming back to me after all these years. Small flashbacks of all the times his hands have touched me. All the words from his vulgar mouth that taunted me through the years. Will it ever go away?

"Come back later, Jeran." My voice comes out so low and dry. I don't look at him at all cause if I did, he'd see something he wouldn't want to. Despair. Fear. Even though I was given the all clear to be discharged from the hosptial, I was told that the first few nights would be the roughest. So far they were right.

I slowly open up the door to his truck and shut it and I make my way into the hospital. The first place I go is straight to Gala's room. I don't go in, I just merely stand at the door and look at her small form snoozing. I don't want to bother her, but it's not for her that Im here at the moment. She and Matthew are both going to be looked after by me until they get out of the hospital, I know that much already. I just hope that because of me, they aren't going to suffer because of Jins. I'm terrified for Matthew. The wound he incured was bad and hearing what it was sent me over the edge. He's the only one that I've not fully gotten to see. To talk to since it happened. My heart grows heavy the closer to the door I get to his room.

My fingers touch the half open door to the room, and I slide into the room just a little bit and look in. I can't help but take a very deep breath. I can even feel my limbs shaking at this point. With what little I care about how I look right now, I merely move my hair to one side and fold my arms up as I walk in without even being announced. I don't want to wake him. I just want to look at him, and make sure that he's still alive. If Jins had killed him, I'm sure that I wouldn't be here right now.

"Matthew..." I whisper out as I get closer. His face is turned toward the window but what I see after that is all the tubing and wires. The machines that are hooked up to him. It's scary to see. It's very difficult to deal with and my breath hitches in my throat. Tears threaten to come to the surface. My heart is literally breaking to see him. I take a step back and stop the hiccup that wants to be released. I close my eyes and take a breath then take two more steps forward. "Matthew... are you awake?"

"Matthew. Are you awake?" I wait for what seems like eternity.My gaze keep going over his body. His naked chest that is covered with wires and tubes. My heart takes with fear and my stomach drops from the intensity of wanting this to be nothing more than just another nightmare bright on my the recent events. This is real. None of this can be faked. None of this is a dream cause I would have woken up now if it were just a dream. He's alive. He's incredibly hurt but that's my fault. With him laying in bed and unable to get up, I have top come to terms with my bad choices. It was my decision not to inform him that Jins had suddenly returned.

One thought remains. The last time he was this hurt and laid up in bed, he practically kicked me out. That was after the pregames. That was after he had lost one of the most important games if his life. Now? Will it be the same? Will he push me away? All of this is because of me. Why wouldn't he? Isn't he mad at everything that I've caused? Lord, please don't make this meeting into a deja vu moment. My heart stops with that thought and so do my feet.

"Yeah." He claims to be awake but I'm not sure why he smiled at me. It's he planning on doing what I think? It's he getting ready top shoo me away? Or are the drugs that heavy on him that he don't remember what happened?

I wrinkle my brow at him and bring a hand up to reach around my neck, rubbing gently. The muscles that are so tense and still site even now. Without the aid of pain meds, today is the harsh reality of it all coming together. Every but of it was real. There's no denying it. Though, the seconds tick by and he doesn't ask me to leave. He doesn't do anything but keep that smile on his face. The smile that is directed straight toward me. How can he give me such a welcoming such as that gesture when he's the one that's got all those machines hooked up to him? Why does he smile to me?

With the smile, I won't take that as anything other than just him wanting to see me. So, I begin my journey over to his bed and stop just at the trailing to his bed but I'm close enough to Matthew that he's able to reach out for me. This is almost to much to have. Him touching me first when it should be me. I'm so unsure of myself though. So unsure if I should let my fingers touch his skin first or not. He took the initiative first.

His fingers feel warm against my cold hand. I didn't realize how cold I was until he touched me. It must be the fearfulness that had made me chill like this. I've been in such a frozen state since leaving this place.

"How are you?"

I shake my head. I'm not going to lie to him. Not now. Not telling him about Jins, because I was afraid it would effect his academy performance, was the wrong choice. It has cost him more than that now. It almost cost the lives because if my idiotic mistake.

"It's so good to see you alive."

A hint if a grin appears on my face when he says that. However, I'm still unable to speak. Errors just have no way of coming out at the moment. I can't seem to come out with what needs to be said. I'm just glad that he's alive, just add he said to me. I squeeze his hand then he shoots over in the bed and gestures for me to sit.

I don't.

I don't want to hurt him any further.

I let my breath out and drop my head instead of taking his offer.

"I've not been truthful to you. I was scared... to tell you. I didn't want you to know about him coming back. I had no idea he would go this far. I didn't know he was going to get that close to Gala. If I had known... done my job betteroff looking after her, he never would have gotten so close to her to hurt her. I can't believe I was that stupid, Matthew. I let all of this happen." The dam releases a flood of tears. Somehow I find the chair behind me as the strength wants to leave me with the words that I just let come pouring out. I bend over my knees, an ache filing me up inside.

My throats feels like it's being clamped off again. My heart races again. I hate this feeling.

Breathe Ky. Just breathe.

"I'm sorry for getting you hurt. I never wanted this to happen..."

"...I never wanted this to happen." I can see the look in his face that he's angry. I should know better than this to drop all of this on him like that. He's so hurt. He's got wires connected to machines monitoring his health, yet I'm here and probably goign to make it even worse on him, but if I don't say it now, I know I'll just simply fade away to nothing. Holding secrets like this is tormenting me. It has for so long that secrets is all I know when it comes to proving how strong I can be.

I am not strong though.

I am weak.

I sit here in this chair, wiping away the tears that fall because of what I just had to tell Matthew. I don't know whether or not what I've done to him and everyone else is going to cause a big rift in our relationship or not. I don't want it to. I want everything to go back to the way it used to be. I want my mother back. I want to go back to that first day of kindergarten and change seats with the girl in front of me like she wanted. Anything to keep from having Jins this much in control of my life. It isn't fair. It isn't right.

"You knew he's back? Last weekend when I told you what I had done?" I can't look up at him. I fight for a breath as the angle I keep my neck at makes it hard to intake the oxygen. His angered voice is so unsettling. It's probably best I didn't sit beside him on the bed because I'm sure now of all times, he'd be pushing me out of his sight. Out of his life again. Why do we keep these important things away from each other? Things that alter our lives? "Why didn't you tell me?"

Now's the hard part. Telling why all the reasons that came to me not to tell him. For one, the common thing among my thoughts. I could handle it. It's only against me. I'm used to it. The rest is mainly because of Matthew. I'm not blaming him, I'm just trying to...

"To... protect you. To protect Gala. How was I suppose to know that he would change like that? How he would suddenly just starting turning on the people that I'm closest to? Gala.. Vy..." I raise my head up just enough to look at him, though, I push the salty wetness away from my eyes before I connect to his sight. I don't want him to see what this has done to me, but I want him to see me. Why I did what I did because I loved him enough that I didn't want him to go after Jins again like he said he did last time. Because, I didn't want this to happen to him. Obviously, Jins would get satisfaction one way or another and that's what bothers me. No matter what I do, he wins. I can never escape the outcome of whatever he does to me.

"... I wish you understood. It would make it a lot easier. I don't even.. understand it. What went on in his head. I just know that keeping things to myself when it comes to him is just..." Where are the damn words when I need them? How do I explain it so that Matthew won't think it's something personal against him? Ten years of keeping Jins underwraps was fine until the one moment I broke the secret to someone.

"I love you, Matthew. I really hope you know that and I would never do anything to hurt you. Or Gala for that matter. She's like the little sister I never had. She's my best friend. It baffles me why he chose her. Why he went after her of all people to get back at me. Why he chose me in the first place. I know it only got worse when I accidently hurt him. When he almost died. After that, Jins took advantage of me. He's said it once... that I was his posession? I broke a promise to him and he's never let me live that down. It was merely a scenario of...'I won't tell if you promise yourself to me and only me'. I didn't know what he meant. I do now after all these years."

Every single thing I tell him; every confession that I say, he has a comeback with it. As much as what he says hurts, it is nothing but the truth. Something, I know I should have said to him, but how could I? I didn't want to hurt him from making top grades and scores for what could have become his entire life. How would I feel if the miniscule things Jins did, dropping my books or getting a little too close for my own comfort, distracted Matthew and possibly caused him harm during a training exercise or worse, forced his discontinuation of the program? I'd never be okay with myself. Now? Here he is completely laid up and giving a backlash of retorts to everything I'm saying.

Don't deny it. You deserve whatever you get. He gave you all his trust when he told you what he did, yet you didn't share what was going on.

Silence rings loudly in my ears for the next two minutes. He's in pain and I can tell it. As much as I didn't want to have to spring all of this on him right here and right now, I felt I would never be able to face him later if I didn't. Both of us are a couple right? Aren't we suppose to work through these hard times even if one of us gets mad at the other? Once again, I am to take the blame. Jins has always blamed me for what I did to him. Matthew is going to start blaming me, I'm sure. Is he going to turn on me as well?

His hand reaches up to me, and automatically, I flinch. I don't know why I do, but it takes me only a second before I hear his voice. It's everything I want right now, but why does it seem comforting after everything he had a reply to? "Geez, Kyanite? That's crazy!" "...reckless as you can see." His expressions during each of those is what kills me. His eyes were hard and unforgiving. So, I stopped looking at him. As I turn to him, I don't see those looks. I just see his concern filled eyes.

"C'mon, Ky." His voice flows through the air and happens upon my senses. The words sound so much like what his eyes are trying to tell me. Only, this time I listen; with open ears and an open heart. "It's over now, Kyanite. Vy told me he's been detained. I told the peacekeepers that he's tried to kill all three of us. That should be enough for a life sentence."

Can what he says be all true though? Does age really count when it comes to punishments? He's only seventeen. I'm only sixteen. I'm sure they can only hold him for so long before he's out, right? Is there ever a possibility of him getting out? Escaping, even? What am I going to do if he does somehow evade his own death and try to come after one of us again? I won't beleive anything until I see his body void of breath and six feet under.

His moves over a little in the bed and he reaches out for me once again, only this time I don't flinch. His fingers touch my cheek and his thumb is what brushes away the tear that almost falls. He catches it before the sorrow can really be seen.

"I love you, too. I just wish you would have told me so I could prevent this. That's what I train for now, you know?" What he don't say is something that runs through my mind. We all train for this kind of thing. We train to kill one day for the games. I'm just the only one that can't seem to do that for the one person that really needed to die. Why is it that I never could fight him? Why did I always fear him? Am I truely that weak?

"You might have just pointed me..." He starts to say then suddenly he stops. He grimaces heavily then starts to cough, clogging up any more words that he was wanting to say. With nothing but reflexes, I get up from the chair and stand by his side. I can feel my eyebrows raise upward in concern and my heart does nothing but stop as I watch him with aggrivation that I can't help him through the pain. The coughing is so intense, that I'm almost ready to hit the call button because I'm not sure if something is wrong with him or not.

"Matthew.. are you okay? Matt..." I try to coax out of him some words but he doesn't speak at all. Instead, the coughing stops, but there's liquid pooling in his eyes from the fit. It terrifies me to see him this way. So much in pain and now I get to see this other side to him. I wasn't allowed to stay with him that one time when he wanted me out. I'm all for wanting to help him through this now. His mouth moves to talk but nothing comes out. Has that coughing fit taken up so much of his breath that he can't muster the finishing part to what he was saying before?

He takes my hand again and pulls me in closer to him and now I don't hesitate to sit on the bed with him. I wedge myself between the railing and him, making sure that I'm comfortable but his comfort is first, of course. He shows me by raising his arm so his palm rests on the side of my face. I can't help but take one hand to put up to touch the back of his hand when he does it. It's the most welcomed thing I've had lately aside from Tyren's hug that first day. It's so weird how just little gestures can really change someone; both on their views and their attitudes.

He moves his lips gently and when he expresses those silent words, they ring higher than ever to me. I lean down to him and kiss him gently on the cheek while I bring my hand up next to mess with his hair. Just the feel of his warm skin is the only evidence I need to tell me that he's going to be alright. One day, both of us will be. It has to be, right?

"You can finish up that thought later. I don't want you to be putting too much stress on yourself, alright?" I say that now after everything we've said already between the two of us. For some reason, a nagging feeling tugs within me. I've been so unsure of who to ask about what happened to him. How he got so hurt.

I seem to hold my breath a moment and just look at him. As bad as he just went through a coughing fit and unable to voice an answer right now, I hope for only a shake of his head or a gentle nod to ease my troubled mind.

"I don't know what I'd do without you, you know that? I don't want to even think of what would of happened if you were any worse off than you are now. Did...did you go looking for Jins this time..." The questions remains open.

"I'd be dead." Thinking that phrase and actually hearing that phrase is the most horrific ever. I don't want to hear it. I don't even want to think about it. As far gone as I already was when Jins ceased my breathing, is the closest I've ever been. Matthew has been close before from the pregames, I assume, but this time has to be the worse. The same for Gala. Why did Jins have to go after the people that I love the most? The ones that have actually made such a difference in my life? A friend. A boyfriend. He must have wanted to keep me from the things that make me the happiest. The things that had to have made him angry to see. How could I not notice him watching from the side? Where did he even go for those months that I began to have a normal life?

My head dips to his answer, but it don't last long. I have to accept this horrid truth. I brought on this pain and anquish to everyone around me and with Jins gone, what's going to happen now? Things won't go back to normal anymore; at least, not for me. Jins' reign of terror has done the unthinkable and now, for once, the people closest to me hasn't disappeared from my sight.

That nagging question comes out with hesitation. I hope that Matthew will only give me subtle answer, but when the question is asked, I see the tight nit crease in his brows. He shakes his head but words soon follow. I listen so closely. I watch his chest move as he does and see the pain he's in to comfort my fears of him going after him and ending up like this. I can't help but keep scanning his upper body from the area where the tubes are lead in to his eyes and then his mouth.

"No, Alex got my gun from the roof and I went to get my vest from the pool. He was there. I think he was waiting for me."

Waiting. Waiting to hurt me. Waiting to kill my friends. Waiting to just slowly make me go insane is what he was doing. I'm not even sure now, how I was able to deal with this all the time. I am finally to the point that I just want to find the darkest corner I can and conceal myself from the sun or anything to brighten up the day.

"Sorry..." I let the words slip through my mouth without realizing it. That's when, his heart monitor starts to beat a little quicker and the numbers raise into the triple digits. It scares me. To see him in so much pain as he strains to get himself under control I feel the pools of liquid fall and I don't dare catch them or try to hide them. I'm truely scared for Matthew right now. Scared. Worried. Guilt-filled. Even my own heart is breaking to have to endure everything. Once again, I feel the burden of what's happened coming back down on my shoulders; it weighs a ton.

"Just stay quiet, please Matthew. Please.... relax." I state and I hear him say stop. That in itself is bothersome. With him telling me to stop is one step above 'get out'. I clinch my teeth together cause I don't want him to kick me out. I don't want him to point to the door for me to leave him. If he does, I'm sure I won't be back cause I'm not sure where I would end up going. Going home isn't an option for me anymore. If Matthew dies, I will never forgive myself. If Gala died, I wouldn't be able to handle this.

Silence becomes me. I sit close with Matthew and clasp my fingers tightly around his hand and bring his hand up to my chin and press his arm toward my body. If this is the only kind of contact I can get to show him how truely sorry I am, then I hope he can feel the magnitude of my guilt.

"I'm trying." He gasps out. I can see the amount of pain he's in. I'm sitting here, relatively unharmed, while he's dealing with the wounds that was meant for me. He's taken the blunt of the weapon that was suppose to have been for me. That knife was suppose to have been my calling. My death. I nearly killed Jins with a knife, and he used a knife to almost kill the only guy in my life that I've given everything to. Not everything... you still held back your fear. It rises up again. Those little voices telling me that I'm at fault here. He don't want to hear no more. He's told me to stop. I keep my lips sealed, pressed together, in attempts to show him that I don't want to further harm him. He's fighting enough. I don't need to make it worse.

I'm afraid, I've already made it worse, though.

He clutches my hand so tight as he tries to get his breathing under control. My pleas for him to be quiet and to calm down doesn't seem to work at all. He still mumbled that he was trying after I told him not to. Perhaps, you being here is making it worse? If you left... he would be able to calm down?

I shift my weight on the bed, but ultimately I bring his hand up to my chin and lean over, pressing my body against his arm. Right now, I pray. I'm weak right now because I don't have the power to heal him with a snap of my fingers. I'm nothing but worried about him and this is slowly killing me inside to have to deal with this. I'm not even sure if he really wants me here.

For a moment, he looks at me, but I advert my gaze. I don't want to let him see me cry. I don't want to add on to his pain and turmoil that he's experiencing. I close my eyes for a moment, and I feel his chest slowly deflate and I get the worst sense of fear I've ever felt in my life. Please don't die, Matthew. I beg you. Don't...

Only until I feel his chest start to rise slowly, does that fear start to disapate. I still hold my tongue. I keep his hand close to my face. Even though his finger tips are not exactly warm, I want to keep his hand in mine. I want to give him all the warmth from my own body if it means that he'll be alright. Heal him... My thoughts become desperate from one minute to the next. It's just silence between us. Has he fallen asleep? Has he went under the spell of pain into the unconsciousness that could swallow him up whole and leave me holding on to an idea that will never come true? I glance up.

The wires hooked up to the machine have changed the numbers. Instead of his heart beating well into the triple digits, it has dropped below that and sits comfortably in the eighties. I can only assume that's good. The numbers were similar when I first walked in before I started to upset him. I stare at the red numbers on the machine.

"Stay, please." His voice pulls me out of the daze. I look down to him and shake my head at first. My presense has already caused him pain. It caused him to cough until he couldn't do anything but grimace and gasp for a breath, but the logic in my reasoning is overruled when I look into his eyes. Does he need me that bad to press out those words when it causes him so much pain to speak?

I give a gentle nod.

"As long as you want me to be here. I won't leave." I whisper out and bring my hand up to his face and let my fingers run across his cheek and to the jaw line. I hold still, letting my fingers define his face for me to remember. I turn my face into my shoulder to let my fabric take the liquid that's wanting to collect in my eyes. As gentle as I can, I lean down to him and let my fingers touch one side of his neck as I lay my head on the other side.

A knock at the door to his room brings in a nurse in nothing but a white uniform. I lean up and turn to look at the woman. Her stern face softens as she comes closer to the bed and goes to the opposite side of where I am.

"Mr. Dunham, how are you doing?" She questions, not really expecting an answer. It's more of a formality as she's been trained. Her fingers move over the machines a few times, pushing a few buttons as she touches the bag of saline that drips so casually. She glances back at me, though I keep my gaze from her. "Do you need some more pain medication?"

The moment the nurse walked in, I get a sense of dread. I let my thoughts go to the fact that they are here to monitor his very life. They are here to make sure he's doing well and healing up but only moments ago, he experienced nothing but pain and trouble breathing. His wounds are great enough that I'm terrified even now. I don't care if he's able to talk to me and to look at me. Until he's out of the hospital, I'm not going to relax in the least. I lean up away from Matthew, but my hand still lingers near him as much as I can. Ever so slyly, my index finger curls around his.

"Do you need some more pain medication?" I hear the nurse ask Matthew and when he answers, my stomach drops. I've already told him I was staying at his side. Though, I know I'm the one that caused the pain to increase just as his heart rate did. I don't like this at all. I don't like the feeling that I've been the one to cause him enough pain to accept the nurses invitation to medication. That means he's really off the edge. Only a moment after declaring that he will take whatever he gets, he errupts into another coughing fit. My eyes seem to well up watching him in so much pain and there's nothing I can do. Then his hand wraps around my own and tightens dramatically. I bite back a quiet noise, but let him do what he needs to. I'm not going to tell him he can't hurt me for what I've put him through.

The physical pain is a nice change from the emotional right now.

"I think I have a problem." I suddenly start to shake my head. I don't want to hear this. I don't want to lose him. I have no clue what's going on with him, why he thinks something more is wrong with him. The nurse seems to hear his voice as well and that's when she too, grows a little bit of concern, but she's well trained in keeping her cool.

"Mr. Dunham, can you tell me what's wrong? Let me get your stats, alright?" That's when she pulls out the blood pressure cuff, wrapping it around his arm and messing with the buttons on the machine. She looks at me with a now stern glance. "Ma'am. Can you please step out? I need to assess Mr. Dunham."

Those words seem to cut me in two. I can feel it because I don't know if when she's going to shoo me out of the room, something bad is going to happen to Matthew while I'm no longer at his side. I'm also aware that she thinks I'm the one doing this to him. That I'm the reason why he's in so much pain. She's just wanting to spare me the details and be nice. That's all it is. Biting my own lip, I glance at MAtthew, unsure if I should stay now. Even the nurse feels I'm bad for him. The grip has hardly let go of my hand, but I pull out of his grasp.

"I'll be outside the door..." I say, but my voice quivers. I move back from his bed and turn around darting for the door and escape the torture that has my entire mental capacity reeling with defeat and bad thoughts. Down the hallway, my legs carry me fast until I try to turn one of the corners and run directly into a person whose arms suddenly wrap around me.

"Kya. What's wrong?" His voice automatically registers in my head and the only thing I can do is speak with two words.

"I'm sorry." Jeran holds on tight to me. It doesn't even occur why he's even here at the hospital. I had told him to come back at a later time, but for once, I'm glad he didn't listen to me.