an e m p t y hand, a b r o k e n heart {petra!oneshot}

an e m p t y hand, a b r o k e n heart {petra!oneshot} May 8, 2014 1:28:15 GMT -5

Post by [nyte] on May 8, 2014 1:28:15 GMT -5

i really fucked it up this time, didn't i, my dear?

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officer petra ral
peacekeeper| twenty-five | female

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I no longer find any joy in watching the rising sun. No matter how many times I sit, cross legged upon cold cement, and watch the orb rise above the mountains. It doesn't matter how many smiles I force, or how often I try. It's as if I'm invisible. Fading into the plaster walls, the storm within my chest becoming more and more painful with each passing second. More difficult to contain, to hide. My fingers balled within their pockets. A small, golden circle clutched within my left palm. I force it deeper and deeper into the skin. The slight pressure keeping my mind from wandering to the dreams which haunt me. It's almost humorous, that I fear dreams more than nightmares. Not that I don't want happiness, because trust me, it's what I want more than anything in this world. I simply can't stand their torture anymore. The world I want more than anything is a world which can never exist.

I pull the ring out of my pocket, letting it lie flat against my palm. It's nothing special. No diamonds or gems. A golden band, engraved with wings. Even as I slip it onto my finger, it feels wrong. It's not mine, it was never meant for me. I never intended it to be, but it'll never belong to anyone else.

That's the reason I can't stand the sunrise. It's beauty representing all the things which I'll never posses. It's the reason I can't stand the sunset. Every day ending in me being nothing more than second best. If that. I'm tired of being invisible. Tired of sleepless nights, tired of trying.

Shaking hands remove the ring, once more allowing it to disappear within deep pockets. It's been a year, since I bought it. Heart full of hope and eyes full of life. I'd just turned twenty-four, I was ready to finally do something with my life. I wanted something more than running around, killing mutts.

Fuck. A pressure is slowly building from behind my eyes, threatening to roll down my cheeks like salty gems. Don't you fucking dare, Petra Ral. Enough tears had been shed. Enough pity had been given. I turn my back to the sun, and return into the darkness which is my apartment. I've debated many times calling in sick today. A fake cough, a sniffle or two. "I'm sorry I just... can't make it in today." and then, returning to the bed much too large for only myself. Bury my head beneath fraying blankets and pray dreams do not pay me any mind.

But I can't. If anything happens ~~he'll~~ they'll need me. None of those fucks can work together without me there, and trust me, I say that with the utmost affection But they're like a bunch of teenagers.. Even if some of them are equal to me in age. I've been on this squad longer than most. I've seen far too much to fool myself into thinking I'm any semblance of childish. ~~Hypocritical, maybe.~~

My eyes find the watch, tightly wrapped around my wrist. 6:30. That's plenty of time, I muse, grabbing the notebook I keep hidden under my pillow. It's filled with unsent letters, to a family I'm not allowed any contact with. I lay it across my lap, pulling a pen from the spiraled binding. And I write.

Dear Pa,

I've still not enough guts to do it. The last few missions have gone without a hitch. No casualties or anything. I can feel my hopes rising once again, and I can't gather the strength to dash them. I'm more than starstruck, I'm in awe. Pa... I really don't know what I'm gonna do. It gets heavier everyday, and no matter how many times I try to chuck it, I simply can't gather the strength to rid myself of the one chance I've got. It's stupid. I'm stupid.

We've got a pretty big mission coming up, but I'm not sure what against. I'm not worried though. I know my squad will be victorious.

I've been having a nightmare, lately. Not like the dreams I've told you about before, though those are just as bad. It always starts out the same. I'm flying through a large wooded area. My 3DMG working just as well as ever. But, for some reason I'm running. I can hear these footsteps. They reverberate around the trunks, moving almost as fast as I am. I'm with the commander, and the captain, as well as some of the other officers. I'm so scared, papa, in that awful dream. I can't bring myself to look back at the thing that's after us. I know I gotta fight. There's just this... burning need to protect ~~him~~ them. And so I slow, bracing myself. Right when I'm about to go after the thing,... I'm flying. Not the good kind. It's like a brick wall threw me across the sky. My 3DMG long since broken.

The last thing I see is a tree. The last thing I hear is a loud crack Next thing i know, i'm in bed. It takes a lot outta me Pa, It scares me.

I'm sure it's nothing though, right? Just a stupid nightmare. I hate living alone here. I miss you, and I love you lots. I hope things are well there, I really do.

Petra.

I force the notebook closed, once again hiding it under the pillow. Then, falling face first into the same down. It's truly lonely, being second best. There's no one else. Of that I'm sure. I've always been that kind of girl. All or nothing.

I think it's obvious I got the latter of the two.

I've long since given up holding back the tears. They make their way onto the silken cover, falling in tiny droplets onto the cotton sheets.

A broken girl. A heavy heart.

And no strength left to change it.

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