Off time or is it--Marree

With Matthew back at the academy this week, it's put such a terrible burden down on my shoulders. The sickness in the morning. The fear of when to tell my dad. Being alone at the house during the nights when he has refused to come home or to even acknowledge that his daughter still needs him. It's all becoming a bit much. At least one thing has changed for the better, if only a little. The nightmares has decreased. I'm not sure why, but I'm going to say my mind has new fears to relate to, though early this morning, I woke with sweat and palpatations that had me worried. The nightmare that included both Jins and my little baby, just a fuzzy portion of my mind showing the image, gave me such a fright. The moment his hands reached out to touch my baby that I had swaddled in my arms, disappeared as though a magic trick and the only thing left was the blanket that drifted to the ground. The moment, the blanket fell, so did I in the dream, or so I thought.

A hard landing to the floor of my room is what drew me out of my morning stupor. When my body made contact to the floor, it was my head that bumped against the corner of the desk that seemed to bring me back quickly to the conscious world. As I sat up, I leaned heavily against the bed, my hand on my stomach as I let the fears consume me entirely. Another day of solitude in the world of many. As normal, the shower was taken to the extremes in the length of time. The water poured over my head, and cascaded down my body. It was like healing water as the tension in my shoulders finally relaxed and allowed the fear of the dream to go down the drain with the used water.

It's so strange to think that I've got this little life growing in me. Some little baby will be greeting the world once its done growing and when that happens, I will ultimately become a mother. Matthew, on the other hand, will be a father and that is foreign to me. Not more than two weeks ago, Vy and I were chatting about how he wasn't fatherly material as he's barely taken to being a boyfriend. Things have changed though. They always change. Plans never stay on a straight line.

As I begin to think about it, I start to wonder how I'm going to prepare for this little bundle. What things I'll need to take care of it. I have absolutely nothing to my name in the form of baby items, and the thoughts of it now are daunting. Staring into the mirror at my naked stomach, my hand is placed in the middle as if I could feel it. "Get a grip, Kyanite..."

Leaving the house doesn't take long once I made up my mind. Going to the market place is something of a desire. To glance over at the items for a newborn and things of that manner. I only need ideas. No one even knows, aside from Matthew and Vy. They are my secret keepers. As such, I don't know when the word will get out except that soon enough, it'll tell for itself.

As my feet step lighting through the streets, I can't help but notice the stalls of people that are out today. It's a bit more busier than I remember from that one day, and I glance out to the people of the crowd. Nothing happens. No images. No visions. My mind is completely clouded by thoughts of my future with Matthew. A smile draws on my face as I notice a vendor with tiny clothes, tiny shoes and socks. I can't help but pick it up and let my fingers shape to the seams of the outfit. Then a voice catches my attention. Just two stalls over, I catch the voice of a woman that sounds familar. It was the same one from that one time when I had an episode and shook her about as much as it shook me up. A greeting without running into her would definately be needed now.

"Are you looking to buy, young woman? Got a little sister or neice that will fit into that?" The raspy voice of the elderly woman breaks my concentration.

"Huh? Oh, sorry. I was just admiring the outfit. It's precious." I tell her and lay the onesie back down, but the elderly woman only reaches out to touch my hand and give me a smile.

"Take care, young one."

With a gentle nod, I slip my hand away from her and walk to the familiar voice. With a small touch to the arm, I make a second time impression on the woman. "Good afternoon. Finding everything you like?"

The first time I met this woman, I was in a total panic and she had given me her car. This time, I was determinded not to give off that same scenario. That's why, as I approach her, I have nothing but a smile to show and to offer. After all, she was pleasant last time and seemed to be a very caring person. So, asking if she'd found everything she needs to, her reply is just that as well. Though, her reply takes a moment when she looks me over. A tad unsettling, but it doesn't deter me from my good mood. I blame it on the aura surround me. The future of what's to come, really, that's effecting my mood.

"I'm doing really well. Look, I wanted to apologize for last time when we met. I wasn't... in the best way that day. Had a lot going on and I just kinda let it get to me." I give her my honest words and she replies with the news that she's glad to see me well. I shake my head a little and return the smile that she has given me.

"I was wondering about what you said last time." Oh great. I know this is suppose to be kept underwraps, but I need advice. I need guidance for this all. Don't they usually have a pact that keeps them from telling people. What I say to her, won't it be kept between us at all costs? "I know this is really short notice and everything, but can we talk soon? I mean, it is your job and all, but if your booked with appointments, I understand. Is there any way that I might be able to see you when you have a few minutes."