no luck | {The End of Gavin Barker} | but ill get through it

and if you're still bleeding, you're the lucky ones
cause most of our feelings, they are dead and gone
setting fire to our insides for fun,
collecting names of lovers that went wrong

He was gone.

Just like that, so quickly it was like he was back in his room as a child, lightning flashing through the window as he hid under the covers wishing he had a hero. Wishing someone would save him from his own life. No one ever did, though, so the boy had to take matters into his own hands. He made a promise to himself, to save his siblings so at least someone's soul could rest, and he did just that every day from then on, his purple flesh and rattled bones becoming the only proof of his father's hatred and his mother's ignorance. No one was there to save Gavin, but he was okay with it. He was okay with being the hero instead of being saved.

But that didn't stop him from hiding from the lightning.

He was watching the world fall apart when it happened, watching as the monster that had risen from the arena took Dan's life from him. A single tear crawled down his cheek, mixing with the dirt and the sweat and the agony that was the arena. Dan is dead. He thought. Tiger is dead, Jem is gone, and now Dan is dead. He couldn't move, or breathe, or even see. They were gone.

He didn't even see the pathetic nothing of a tribute sneaking up behind him until it was too late, until he could see again but it wasn't the arena his eyes showed him. Instead, he saw something much, much more beautiful:

Stars.

They danced all around, tagging each other and spinning around and dashing from one side of his vision to the other, and he longed to be one of them. Maybe he was one. Maybe that explained why he felt so light, as if he were just floating right off the earth. Maybe he was going to be happy again. But he was scared. He was scared, and now, there was no point in hiding it. He was scared when his hand shot into the air and he saved Ventus Blanchard. He was scared when he spoke to Tansa the Avox in the Capitol, and when Kenav fitted him for his interview tuxedo, and when Jacquelyn hugged him goodbye before he disappeared on the hovercraft. He was scared when the gong sounded, and when he killed Eira Craft. He was scared when he watched Tiger's head roll across the ground, and when he watched Dan fall down for good. He was scared when he realized he was the last of his alliance, and quite frankly, he was scared of pretty much everything, and he was tired of lying to himself about it.

That hadn't just started when he was reaped, though. Gavin lied to himself about fear for a very long time, and now maybe he was paying the price for it. Maybe if he had just been honest with himself, he wouldn't have been in this situation. Of course you would never win the Hunger Games, Gavin. Of course not. Maybe if he had just settled for a simple life, he could have been happy. Not immediately, but gradually.

Maybe he would have married Rowan, lived in town since neither of them liked what lurked in the woods. (Oh, how good it is to admit it.) Maybe they would have had children, ones that he would have helped raise himself, ones that he would make sure never suffered like he did. They would have had his green eyes and her fair skin, and hopefully her smile. (It is was my favorite thing about her.)

How nice it all sounded, but he chose a different future for himself.

One that ended with him all alone, cold even in the heat of the arena, envious of the stars that he watched. He took in a breath, one more before he left, and remembered how the air tasted dry, how it used to make him crave water even as soon as he finished drinking it. Not anymore, I actually don't feel anything.

He exhaled, and then he disappeared.

---

we are the reckless, we are the wild youth
chasing visions of our futures
one day, we'll reveal the truth
that one will die before he gets there

Everything is bright.

It takes a second for my eyes to adjust, but it is quickly apparent that I am in a white room, all alone. No, not alone. "You can still have that life, you know." The voice comes from behind me, and I nearly die all over again from the shock that fills my chest. I turn and find a vaguely familiar face staring at me. He is a few inches taller than me, dressed in white, just as I am. "W-what?" I ask, confusion and curiosity overpowering the fear inside me. "The one with Rowan. Where you live in the little house close to town and have children. You can still live that life, if you want."

It can't be true.

"I... I can?" He nods, and unfolds his hands from across his chest. "If you want, well, kind of. But I imagine you could live any life you want now. Since you are... you know," He says, and it hits me. Yeah, I know. I am dead. He must see the sadness that washes over me, because he takes a step forward and his demeanor changes to one that's far more caring. "It's honestly not all that bad here. Nice people, and all the oranges a guy can eat," Oranges? Why did I feel like I already knew this boy liked oranges?

"You..." "Me?" He asks. "You are Drace Vandel." He smiles, almost proudly. "In the flesh!"

It's then that a girl wraps her arm around his neck, though he's a half a foot taller than her, so he has to bend down to let her. "Don't let him woo you, Gavin. He's just a big dork after you get to know him, trust me." Drace squints his eyes and looks straight ahead of him, looking at nothing specific as far as I can tell, with his mouth slightly agape. "Um, Magenta, I'm trying t-" "Magenta Ryker?" I ask, the words pouring out with excitement. The girl winks the brown eyes everyone was obsessed with last year at me, and I can't help smiling. "In the flesh!" She says, her tone mocking Drace's.

"Seriously?" He asks, pushing her shoulder. "Well, you don't have to be so serious about it. When I died you just confused the hell out of me." She turns to me. "He's hopeless, I swear. You really are better off with me." I nod, deciding I like this place more and more by the second. "You can explain what all of this is, then?" I gesture around me. "It's not really explainable. I guess it's like the stuff you hear about all the time, you know, the afterlife or whatever. It's pretty cool here, except you have to see a lot of this guy." She bumps in to Drace. "Now what did you just say to him that I didn't say to you when you came here?" She rolls her eyes. "It's not what I said, it's how." A huff of annoyance from Drace. "You are impossible."

Magenta shakes her brown curls and nods to me. "So, what's it gonna be? Remember, you can do pretty much anything. You can go and be with your girl, except..." "Except what?" I ask. I knew this was too good to be true. "Well, she won't be able to see you, of course. I tried it with a guy back in Nine, and Drace tried with his girlfriend-" "Still can't believe she is with Dexter-" "Oh please, you have Xanthus now anyway. And I have Argo. Anyway, she won't know you are there, but she will... in a way. It's hard to explain. You'll see it if you try. When she is all alone, you'll see her get this feeling, maybe cover her heart or something, and then she'll go on about her life."

"Well, then what?" I ask, suddenly not liking the idea quite as much. (But I also still want to do it.) "You can keep an eye on her, but I guess for the most part you'll just hang with us and the others." "Others?" "Oh yeah, 67 games worth. But I am telling you right now, we are the coolest." "Oh... But Drace said I could still have a life with Rowan." He shot up a finger. "I said kind of-" Magenta pushes him. "This is what I meant about you being confusing. Gavin, you can't really have a life with her. You can't have a life at all, but you can have an afterlife. You can wait on her." I nod, and it doesn't sound all that bad. She said I could wait on Rowan, and that is what I am going to do.

Suddenly, a thought fills my head. She said all the other tributes were here as well. "Are my allies here? Are they okay?" Drace nods. "All here, all fine. Come on, we'll take you to see them, if you want." "I do." I say. "And then I want to see Rowan." "You got it," he says, and the Magenta wraps an arm around my waist. "You know, you are pretty cute. I think I am going to like having you around." "Magenta, you just-" She rolls her eyes. "Relax, I was kidding... Mostly." Then, as a group, the three of us walk suddenly I am not scared anymore.

I am free.