Playing with Fire (Matthew/Ky)

"I understand your worries. I just haven't figure it out yet. I need to look into this whole thing but I'm too busy right now." Too busy to figure out if being a father is less important than being a peacekeeper? Why does the capital have to rule over us? Why do they get to make the rules and stuff and leave us to suffer the consequences. I can only wonder who else was stupid enough to fall in love with someone who planned on becoming a peacekeeper and have to retract that love in a matter of days before something was found out that could potentially harm one or all of us. And with those thoughts, come that question for Matthew to answer. On who would it be worse on if they found out?

"You think they would only take it out on one person, when it takes two..." I state and watch the look in his eyes. I see the gears working in his head. I can sense the overwhelming pressure of not knowing what to do. We've done the unthinkable adn we're forced to deal with the consequences. It might hurt him outwardly, but I'm going to feel it, too. I don't know how yet, but when has the capital ever been forgiving? Finally, after he coaxes me to look at him, he says he'll figure it out. With that, I only nod, because there's nothing else we can do. This is bigger than the both of us and we really need to figure this out together. If we don't, this is going to do more harm then good.

"Okay." I tell him and the situation changes slightly as I keep myself covered up with the blanket and sit beside him. My mind is in a complete whirl with things going on. So, with it all, I turn my attention to the discolored bruising on my boyfriend's chest. Marks on his skin that I know he got from the academy. The extent of how he got them, is far from my knowing. So, I say the only thing I know. I blame the academy for hurting him. My brother shoots him. He comes home with bruises. The academy is chewing him up and spitting him out. I know nothing of what goes on during the week, but I only see the aftermath.

When I look at him, his eyes roll. That attitude just hits the wrong nerve as my fingers move away from his skin now, and I listen to how I just offended him. That bite in his tongue. I know I've screwed up.

"Please... don't say that. I do have faith in you, babe. I don't like seeing you hurt, is all. I'm not trying to say anything other than that. I'm sorry, Matthew. I know if it wasn't for you, then things might have turned out to be a lot different." I mutter under my breath, in a very low, hurtful tone. My vision wavers from wanting to look at him, to looking at the blanket or pillow beside of him. I wonder what it is that is going to happen to us; me and the baby. Last week, we ended up fighting, but we worked it out. This week, it's starting all over again. Will this happen every time?

"Don't look at me that way, Ky. You don't understand." Those eyes are what drew me in. Those eyes are the only thing that I can see that will get me through this and right now, that look in his eyes is trying to peirce me. With those words added to it, it's almost like he's thinking that I am putting all the blame on him.

"I wish you understood what's going on in my shoes and I wish I understood what was going on in yours." My mind goes completly blank at this point, and I just feel wiped out. Slowly, I move the blanket, and lay beside of him, facing him and push my face forward slowly until I feel it connect with his chin. I hold that spot, and revel in the moments that I might not have much longer with him. He's only around on the weekends and after he gets done with the academy, who knows how long it'll be before I see him again. What if I never see him again?

"Whatever happens, my love for you will never fade..." and if you love someone, you have to let them go. No matter how much it hurts.

Walking in each other's shoes would be a perfect scenario to figure out what the other person is going through. Actually, it would solve a lot of troubles that are arising, but since we can't, we can only try to think of the other person. I am trying to be supportive, but the only time I feel like I'm understood is the hours when I'm with him. When it isn't me and him, there isn't anyone I can talk to, whereas he's got the entire academy to back him up. Somewhere deep in the recesses of my mind, I place him in my shoes and imagine him being pregnant. That would be fun. It seems as though we're fighting two different battles that will effect each other. Just one slip up and everything could go wrong.

I snuggle up next to him. I press my forehead against his chin and I feel his breath caressing my skin. I'm laying here with him, hoping for just peace between the two of us. Will it ever happen or will we constantly be at a back and forth between our wants and needs and what we are suppose to do?

His soft voice comes next. "Look, when I lost the pregames and quit the program I felt lost. Like I didn't belonganywhere, Like I was wasting my time and my talents. The academy gave me a new perspective and obviously I mean something to them because otherwise they wouldn't assign somebody to me to finish the course. They want me, Ky. And I feel I can do alot of good there."

They want you? You feel like you can do a lot of good there? I want you too. I need you more than them. Your child needs you more then they do. Who am I to dash your dreams though. It's obvious where your life is leading you. Where your heart is taking you. It has put you into a fork in the road. One road leads to success and happiness. The other leads you down a path where your obligated to care for another life. Just do what your heart wants. I'll do what mine tells me to do.

I feel the burn in the throat for moments at a time before he continues his own perspectives on the situation. They don't help, but I listen to them without a sound.

"But I also know that hings have changed now and I want to be in your baby's life. If that means not signing up..." First he feels like the peacekeepers are the only ones that want him and appriciate him, but he's still being forced to choose a life that he wants and one that he's obligated to.

"I can't deny you what is yours, Matthew. I guess that's just how it's going to be from now on. You follow your heart and when you have the time... we'll be here waiting." Is all I can say to him. He's got every option in the world to choose from. He can choose one or the other. He can mix between two lifes. One public and one secret. I'm just not sure how secret this one will end up if I'm forced to always wait. Whose to say later on down the road I might find something better?

"You have your obligations and I obviously have my own. And for the sake of both of us, don't make promises you can't keep." It's rather honest advice to him as his hand touches my stomach. This time, it feels foreign and I can't understand why. I feel like I'm almost forcing him to be part of this all. If only it were easier to deal with. I sit up when he tells me the bad news. My mouth won't move to make any words.

Silence is my best friend for what seems like eternity.

"You do what you have to, Matthew. I'd rather have you at your peak wellness, then to be at my side and hurting for things that... happened to you." I sigh. It's a never ending battle. Matthew and I are pretty much screwed now. There's no way around the events that have taken place.

"I think it would be better when I start to show... that you not come around anymore. That way you can keep the facade up. We can still call and we can use Vy to relay anything going on. If they see you with me together, they'll know. And if they see it, any chance of you getting capital medicine to heal your body will be lost. It won't be easy... but you know it has to be done. You know there's nothing else you can do." Except one other option and that's to give the child up. There's always a way around it?

I hate this conversation that's going on. I hate the way it's making me feel. Why can't we go back to the way it used to be? For now, I place my hand on his. My stomach rising and falling with every breath.

"My heart is with you!"

It's so clear that what he says is true. His voice and tone that quickly spouts that outwardly for me to hear. I can hear the hurt in his voice. Maybe I went too far? Why is it that I can't understand what's going to happen. I"m barely far enough along in this pregnancy that we can get by with it for now. When I start to show, that's when he'll get into trouble. What about me though? What will the capitol do to me if they found out I was the one that helped to break what he signed up not to do? Will they try to dispose of me? Will they take my baby away because of him? Because he and I decided to go against the rules of becoming a peacekeeper? Why doesn't he understand the position that I"m in? I don't want to be the cause of any more problems for him.

Instead, I am the problem.

He shifts in the bed, jerking up when I tell him that I no longer want him around when I start to show. It's my way of telling him that he can't be seen with me. It's almost similar to when we first started dating, only now, it's on my terms and not his. He doesn't like it though. Much like I didn't like it when it was on his terms.

Why is our relationship so hard to deal with?

He pushes himself up from the bed at the last of my words. Instantly, I regret saying anything at all. I regret getting pregnant. I regret falling in love. I regret that I had to change his mind on girls in the first place. In the end, I don't regret it at all. It all happened for a reason, and here I am severing it all.

He stares at me, boring a hole through my head as I turn my gaze away from him.

"What the hell, Kyanite? What if I don't want the wonderful Capitol medicine.... or what if I don't give a fuck if anybody sees me with you?" I told you I want to find a way. What if you and the baby are the things that actually mean something to me?"

I sit up in the bed, keeping the blanket around my shoulders. His voice gains altitude making me flinch just slightly.

"Then find a way... because I'm tired of waiting. I"m tired of being scared that you'll not be around. You are being torn into two different directions and you are the only one that is going to prosper from either direction you take. I WON'T... I have only one way. One choice..." I have other choices but those I don't want to have to deal with. I don't want to have to worry about the baby. I don't want to have to worry about someone taking him or her away from me too prematurely. If anything happened with Matthew and he decided to go his own route...

"Why do you only hear half of what I say adn make your own little logic out of it? Has it ever occurred to you that thi might be a bit hard for me as well? That you mean so much to me?"

"Yes. I do hear everything you say. You won't decide on a path, though? But the path is making you decide on which way to take you. You keep pushing yourself to continue with the academy. You keep going back. You keep leaving me to go after something much bigger than what you're leaving behind." I profess to him. "If I meant that much, wouldn't it be easier to decide?" I mumble.

"You wouldn't get it because it's too fucking hard to believe that I actually love you."

My heart bursts. Tears flow when he grabs his uniform and storms out of the room leaving me on the bed, with nothing but the sheet to cover my body. I break down. Every kind of emotion pours from the tears that escape my eyes. When my eyes glance at the door, I realize, that he isn't coming back.

Did I just make the decision easier on him? Did I just push him away because of my own insecurities? Did I gain his ability to push people away that love me? Loves me... he loves me... and I'm pushing him away. Go after him, you fucking idiot... or you will lose him indefinately. I stand from the bed and go to the door way to see him at the bottom of the stairs. He's in so much of a hurry to put his clothes back on. He's rushing to try to get out of my own house as the t-shirt gets put on rather roughly. I try to open my mouth to get him to come back, but if I did, would I be trying to put this pressure back on him to choose?

My fist goes flying toward the wall, and connects with a thump. My knuckles scream in protest and I give a small gasp. Slowly, I let my arm fall to my side.

"Matthew... I'm sorry." I yell out.

"Please, I beg you. Don't leave me. I don't want to be alone. I don't want to lose you." I move to the set of stairs and decend the first two and stop. "I don't want to lose you, but I feel like I already am... I love you, Matthew. I love you so much and I'm terrified that this damn academy is going to take you away from what we only just got. We need you... I need you."

The blanket around my body tightens, hiding my exposed body for anyone to see. What is exposed is my heart, fears and increasingly, my tears. All of them so freely given because of Matthew as he walks out the door and disappears. My voice doesn't disappear though. It's still as loud as ever. My need for my own words to somehow beat down that door and reach him; tear him down and hold him still. I look to the front door and the closer I get to it, my heart decides to go absolutely crazy within. Will he be out there waiting or when I open that door, will he be no where in sight?

I pray that he's not going to just leave me.

Reaching that door, has my legs feeling like complete gel. Like, I'm barely able to stand on my own two feet. My own head is busting with an ache for him to just come back inside and hold me; to comfort me. I want nothing more than to have his arms encircle my waist, but is that a thing of the past now? Will he even want to after all that has been said and done?

I turn the knob slowly, but the door opens fast from the anticipation to know if he's holding back. What my eyes turn on to is how far he got. How far away he managed to be before my words pushed him so far away that he was nearly unreachable. My voice and my tears are no longer going to hold purpose. My needs nor the baby will be enough to keep him grounded. He is a bird. I am a fish. How are we to live together when we obviously have such different paths laid out for us? When we aren't meant to be together it seems in this world of black and white.

I watch him shake his head at me, then that guilt rides up. This itch that I can't scratch deep within my heart; its unbearable.

I'm losing him.

"You're pushing me away. You just told me not to come around anymore."

My mouth flies open to speak to him, to yell at him why it is that I said those words. But labored gasps only escape and they choke my words into tiny studdered fragments. A hiccup appears as a hand goes to my mouth, covering it from making any more noise.

"What do you want, Kyanite? Tell me what I should do. Stay or go. Quit or keep going? But don't give me any of that follow your heart crap because that simply doesn't work."

"Don't go, Matthew." Is all that forms. Now, I feel like a magnet whose getting closer to the opposite pole. Two different people that have somehow been brought together, but are we suddenly becoming too similar? Pushing each other away when things get just a little bit too hard?

"I wasn't pushing you away. I'm trying to save you. I'm trying to help you by making you stay away. It all boils down to that stupid academy. If they see you with me, they'll take you away. If they know about 'this'..." I place my hand to my stomach, protecting the baby from hearing me. "they will hurt you. God, Matthew, what do you not understand? Do you think that you can just live two lives and not be punished? That I WON'T BE PUNISHED? What would happen to us?" My voice strains and I stop for a second to catch my gasping breath for a moment. My knees are threatening my body to be weak, so I feel the need to release some of this tension on my body. With my hand on the railing, I lower myself to the stairs, sitting on the same step that Jeran had found me on. That last time when we ended our relationship too soon.

"You have no idea how much I want to be able to keep you, but it just isn't possible. You have a new love. You have a new life. I want you to be happy... and it just don't seem that it's going to be with me." Did I just say the wrong thing? I feel like I am seriously dragging him down because of this baby. If I wasn't pregnant... would it be any different? He'd still stay away at the academy. He'd be making friends and getting cozy with the capitol. He'd only come home when he felt it was necessary. His father would still think highly of him. Me? My life would stay the same. My father would still avoid me and then bring in women to control me. I have nothing else going for me, whereas Matthew is completely free with every choice in the world to better himself.

"I'm only holding you back... but I want to be selfish. I want you to be with me and only me."

Punishment for him or for me is what terrifies me. I don't want him to be jerked away from me if they found out. I don't want to be harmed or to have my baby taken away from me if they knew that I was the mother of his child. It's all too complicated right now and I don't want to have to worry about more stuff then I need to right now. I'm already at my limit.

"How would they find out about us? Who's going to rat us out? JEran? Vy? I doubt it! She's in the same position and I AM allowed to have a girlfriend, so what's the fucking problem? You're not even showing." The harsh tone he's giving me doesn't sit well. At all. I can feel my pulse racing and my muscles tensing up. How on earth does he think he's going to get away with this for much longer? I know Vy won't rat us out. As for Jeran, I'm sure he won't do anything that would hurt me, yet when it comes down to it, I just can't seem to tell him about this either. I think Matthew and I are just as scared.

"No. They won't rat us out. I know they won't, but anyone can? The more you're around, the more likely that... it'll be seen." I shrug at the last part, pushing my shoulder up against the railing from where I sit. I just want this over with. I want this fighting to stop. I don't want to argue with him anymore.

Silence seems to stagger between us while my hand goes to the side of my face to conceal something falling down my cheek. It's brushed away without any notice and my eyes go to find Matthew once again only to see him walking nearer to me. My heart seems to flutter with this sight. He's coming back over to me.

Slowly, but surely.

I don't move from my spot, nor do I budge for a moment when he sits. I just feel his presence beside of me before his hand touches my back. That feeling has never been more wanted in the world. His thumb moves up and down slowly, coaxing away the fears that are wanting to settle within me.

"I want to be with you, too. Let me...don't push me away, now that you showed me what it's like to care about somebody else. I need you, Ky, and I"m pretty sure you need me, so just give me a bit of time. Somehow I'm going to work it out."

And it all boils down to him working it out. Not including me in on it at all. That's what's caused this in the first place. It's just his needs before mine. His need to figure this out. Work it out his way. In the end, if the outcome happens in the right way, who cares whose needs were met first? With shallow shake of my head, I want to end the argument.

"Okay. You have your time..." I simply state. There's nothing else that I can really say. I am trusting him to do this and to get back what we had. Besides, his demeanor has changed, and his voice has changed tones. It's hard to stay mad at him. It's hard not to just give in to him when he's all I need and want. "because you are right. I do need you... and I just don't want anything to happen to you."

His fingers wrap around my own, and I close my eyes, moving my shoulder away from the railing and lean into him. My fingers, in turn, do the same as his. They move to wrap around his until our palms are touching and I let my eyes settle on how our hands just seem to mold together.

"come on, things don't have to be so hard. Just take it one step at a time." I partly grin.

"At least we're on step one. Literally, right?" He does evoke a smile from me when he nudges me. It's hard not to love him and especially right now when we're coming off a high from the argument. I bring his hand up with my own, and let the back of his hand touch my lips. Softly, I kiss his knuckles and lean my head onto his chest.