Fern // Avox // Fin

[attr="class","fern-content"]
I scream. I scream like a newborn baby that had just been bought into this world. My face is red, sweat soaks my skin and my hands grip at the dirt around me as pain threatens to tear me apart. Help me. I have been like this for hours, perhaps days, gasping for air beneath the screams that burn through my lungs like wildfire. I drown in my screams, and the forest drowns in them too. Crows fly from their roosts as another scream cuts through the air.
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I pray for the pain to end, for it to stop. I feel like a fool, I am such a stupid little girl. Not even 8 months ago, I was living in luxury in a warm house with two parents who- okay perhaps they didn't love me as much as they said they did. I was their first born, true, but their love for me was overshadowed by the baby who followed me into this world 14 years later. My little brother Corvo. He was the apple of their eye, the child they had always wanted to take on the family business and become the heir to the family home...but he was taken away from them when they found him dead in his cot one morning.


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The Doctor's said it was cot death- except they didn't ever know I had pressed a pillow against his face until he stopped breathing. Jealousy made me a killer. I am not proud of what I did and perhaps, this is punishment for pressing the pillow against his face while he slept and watching his chest still for the last time. I never believed my mother when she said Ripred was watching me and would punish me if I did something bad- of course she had never meant murder- but now when I think about it, I believe her now.


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I curse that night, the night 9 months ago where I'd thrown that party. I had begged, thrown tantrums and threatened to throw myself in front of a train to have my parents give me permission to throw that thing and now I wish I hadn't been such a child. Such a stupid little girl. The party had been huge and someone had bought alcohol, since my parents were not there I had a drink. Then two. Then three...then I don't remember how many glasses passed through my hands. Heck, I don't remember much other than fucking some guy I thought was cute. I thought nothing of it, I had quite the reputation with sleeping with guys. Not something someone should be proud of but I wore it like a badge.
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A month later, I found out I was pregnant with that guys baby. I was terrified, truly, for the first time in my 17 years of life and I also began to question what people would think of me, something that had honestly not crossed my mind until that moment. I was a proud bitch and never let anything get to me but that, that was different. I felt absolutely sick to my stomach.Stupid. Little. girl


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That's why I ran away. I ran, as fast as I could- which wasn't very fast- to the fence in the dead of night with a bag of things. I almost didn't make it, I almost got caught, by a patrol car. I pressed my body down onto the ground as flat as I could while I waited for the car to pass, I held my breath as I heard the wheels roll past- not even a meter from where I lay in the grass. I prayed to Ripred I wouldn't be caught. They left. Only when I was sure they were long gone, I ran again.

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I managed to get onto the other side of the fence and then I ran. Again. And I haven't stopped running until now. I scream. I scream. And I scream again, digging my nails into the dirt as the pain becomes unbearable and then- it's over. The pain is gone. I gasp in air as I hear a pathetic little cry, looking down I see a tiny form between my legs.
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I knew the winter would take her. She was so small, so tiny. Her palms were so tiny that her little pink fingers could barely grasp around my fingers; they could barely grasp at my skin when I fed her. She was so weak. I was so weak. Her red hair and brown eyes reminded me of Corvo, the little boy I had smothered in the cot years ago- my own brother- but I couldn't bring myself to put her out of her misery.  Why couldn't I do it...She was so sick, always coughing and she had a wheeze that came and went with every breath.

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I wish I'd stayed awake the night that Ripred had taken her from me. I was so tired. We'd been running for days- the Capitol was on my trail and I was so sure they would find me; I hadn't slept in days- thought it felt like weeks by the time I found myself passing out from exhaustion. My eyes just, fluttered shut like someone does when they die and when I open them again my baby is gone. She looks like she's sleeping but I know she's not...
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It takes me a moment to realize, that her body is cold and stiff and dead. Her motionless form lies in my arms, and all I can seen is Corvo. All I can see is Corvo... I shake her, even though I know it is useless. Slowly, tears stream down my face, my sobs filling the silent forest; I still try to wake her. Stupid little girl. I hope that if I shake her enough, she'll start to cry but her startled breath never comes.
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They found me, there, on my knees. Cradling my dead baby in my arms but they just tore her from me and tossed her away as if she were some doll "NO!" I scream, viscously as I try to get to my baby but they pull me away. I fight back as they beat me with their batons. "NO!" I sob as they drag me towards the hover craft and force a sack over my head.[break][break]
The next thing I know I am somewhere. Fuck knows where but I am somewhere. I am certainly not dead but I know I wish I was. I know what they do to Wanders like me. I am going to die I think but I know that it will be much..much worse than death. Death would be to simple. Death would be too gentle for the crime I have committed. I know exactly what they have planned for me, but I'm not scared
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They leave me first. To starve. Not that I wasn't starving already but they don't give me food- only water and even then I am tentative to drink it but my throat is dry and so I do. I have no choice. It keeps me alive- which is what they want. There are no windows where I am so time passes, absently. I have no idea how long I have been here...it feels like forever or how long it takes them to decide my punishment is finally due.
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They come and get me when I am asleep, pulling me to my feet and dragging me down windowless corridors after windowless corridors. I would've tried to fight back but I know it's no use. It doesn't stop my mind forcing my body to convulse, wrench backwards when I see the chair. I don't know what it does but it scares me.. and so I struggle harder as the two peacekeepers force me into the reclining chair. The last thing I remember is the bright light, the pain, the taste of blood in my mouth and then nothing
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I died that day. If only... I became a slave, an avox with no voice. I was caged like an animal and taken to the Capitol where I was to be sold and bought by someone to do whatever they wanted. All of me was taken, all that was left was raw animal instinct that lies deep within everyone of us. I bit, scratched and even snarled at people when being put on show for the masses of the Capitol people to buy. I am not something to be sold
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No one would touch me with a ten foot pole- not even the man who was trying to auction me off; I was lead around on a rope, whipped if I tried to run or fight or attack anyone. My hands were bound and my feet were too- You can't run if your ankles are bound together- like I was some beast at a zoo for people to awe at. Only a mad man would buy me. And a mad man did.... My buyer was determined to purchase such, a fine specimen. I heard him telling the seller that I'd be easier to mould into the perfect person...
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I thought he was lying Shortly after my purchase, I was tranquilized. It all went black and then I woke up. My body ached, it felt stiff, every movement I made- every breath- was painful. I could barely blink without crying in agony as pain tore through me. Kill me now... I prayed, begged Ripred to put me to sleep once and for all. That I had learnt my lesson and that I was ready- but apparently this was not enough...
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When they removed the bandages, I screamed. Well, more of a whimper in my case. I wasn't looking in the mirror- I couldn't have. It wasn't me in the reflection, it must of been some Capitol trick but when the other avox put her hand on my shoulder- I felt her touch and I saw the hand on the strangers shoulder too. The stranger in the mirror couldn't have been me- she was blonde, blue eyed and small. Perhaps only 14 years of age- she retained puppy fat on her cheeks and her left arm was slightly shorter than the right. That wasn't me.
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The next thing I know, my fist and the strangers fist is plunging towards the mirror- in unison our knuckles smash into the silver surface, causing it to crack and splinter like ice. The reflection was now demented- blood trickling down from where our fists remained- but the blond girl stared back at me as tears welled in her- our eyes. That isn't me...
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But it was...