OUT (Kyanite)

If I had a choice I'd be asleep again with Kyanite in my arms. But I'm fully aware that the leather straps that split a lot of the skin on my back might lead to an infection, which will only double the pain. I know I have to endure this and simply try to focus on brighter days ahead.

At least Kyanite seems to insist to stay, so she's being out to use.
"You don't have to." I whisper because I'm worried about the mental strain it might put on her and the baby.

"Matthew, my boy... you and this girl keep getting into trouble. I'm not going to be around forever. Your shinanigans got to stop." His old, gently voice tells me and I can tell he's smiling whilehe says it. What a great old guy. Even now he's got a joke on his lips.

I barely feel the small prick of the needle in my arm. It takes a few minutes until I can tell it's working because the stinging, burning sensation becomes duller.

Just like Ky he wants me to relax but I just grimly reply. "Easier said than done."

By that time they're cutting away my shirt...thank goodness I don't have to slip out of it. Every tiny movement is hell right now.
"I thought you said you were going to be fine, miss?" His worried voice makes me think my girl friend will pass out any minute so I roll a little to the side to see her but she's stull standing there, white as the wall with a cloth in her hand.
Now it's me worrying about her instead of the other way round. What if she blacks out? What about the baby?
"Sit down, Ky. You have to be careful." I think she knows what I mean. There's no baby inside of me but she carries a precious load.

Stubborn little thing demands that she's fine and dampens the cloth with something from a grey plastic bottle.

"I'm sorry, Matthew." She says before she starts dabbing away at the deeper cuts on top of my shoulder, where the whip first connected with my back.

Here we go! Oh gooooosh!
Unable to stand the burning sensation even with the pain killers in my system I push my face against the matress underneath me to dull the scream that escapes me. Not just once but a few times. It#s embarassing to say the least but the only way to deal with it.
Each time she touches my back it feel like she's using a bunzen burner to dab away the germs leaving a very slowly glowing trail of carcoal across my back.
After a minute or so I start getting a grip on myself but am having troubles breathing normally again. Every bit of concentration goes into taking slow even breaths, which is a good thing since it takes away my focus from everything else.

Half way through I reach for her hand to hold. I'm not sure when I've become such a depended sucker but her touch (not the one on the back) gives me strength.

"Are you almost done?" I groan when the man places a hand on my shoulder and states.
"Almost there. We'll apply some antibiotic cream. Don't get yourself in such crappy situations and you won't have to be so brave later."

His interest is sparked to ask what I did but to save his own butt he refrains from asking.

"So you two are still just friends?" There's this sparkle in his eye again when he briefly looks at Kyanite over the brim of his small reading glasses before applying some cream to the parts that she's already cleaned.
"I get a feeling that has changed."
It#s his way to provide some distraction as satisfy his curiosity.


Outside my father has opted to get as far away as possible and taken Jeran into the living room.
He sat him down for a talk.
"I was just wondering what's happening to your sister now that your father is gone as well. She's still under age isn't she?"
Great! Jailbait.
"When's her birthday?"
In his mind he's trying to figure out ways to help her. For some reason the past few weeks and the recent fall out with his son has provoked some unreational, yet friendly thoughts in the old man, who used to be very unemotional.

Breathe in, breath out, in, out, slowly, focus, ....

"So you two are still friends? I get the feeling that has changed."

'Goodness, don't answer that.' I think in panic because it's exactly this bit of information that I lied to the peace keepers about.
She does though.
"If he wasn't part of my life anymore, you wouldn't be here taking care of him."
Now I can only hope the doc won't go tellingon us. I doubt he would though. He'd only get himself in trouble for helping.

in, out, slowly, focus again.

It's so hard while they keep prodding my sore back, even if they're being gentle. That stuff just burns like acid.

Pressing my forehead into the fabric of the bedsheet again I endure the minutes that are passing by so slowly right now.

"Matthew, my sweet. I wish this hadn't happened to you. I'm sorry that my father did this."
I make a mental note to tell her what really happened when I have enough breath again but for now I just slowly exhale through half parted lips.
Her forehead gently presses against mine so I turn into her, inhaling her scent and feeling the warmth radiate from her skin.

My left hand never leaves hers but the right one grips the beige sheet until my knuckles turn white. The pain might be numbed but it's still there and it makes me feel nauseous also I haven't eaten all day.

--

Tired eyes try to focus on the young man across from him while he confirms that Kyanite is now in his care together with their home and all other family issues.
The boy has great worries that he won't do his newly acquired job properly. He must have just turned eighteen because he doesn't lookmuch older than his sister.
"Once something like that is dropped in your lap, you will rise to the challenge." He states from experience.

In regards to her age the old man can only shake his head and burry his wrinkled face in his hands.
"So the baby will be born before she's eighteen. Is that correct? Damn! That will cause questions to be asked. If they want to they can find out who the father is by testing. The only thing we can hope is that the peace keepers will have lost interest in Matthew by then and nobody will ask those questions."

Jerans concern grows when he spins the thought about his future further.
"I just hope they don't ship me off to another district, for her sake, you know? I need to find someone that can look in on her while I'm away during the week. That dang woman my father was seeing made a few unannounced visits to the house. I don't like that at all."

"O'Rourke? Matthews trainer adviced you to do that?"
That's an interesting thought. Why would he care?
"Ask them to stay here because of your dependend sister. If she wants to I can check up on her during the week although I have a feeling that my son will take care of that. What woman? Why is she still coming around?"

A sound from the street makes him raise his hand for a moment and get up to look through the half drawn curtains.
Outside there are two cars parked, which is a scarce sight and a few people are walking by without any interest in the house.
"I'm becoming paranoid."

--
Am I ever glad when they are finally done and leave my back mostly uncovered. Nothing worse than to peel of gauze that has been stuck to your wounds by a tight bandage.

The breathe in,breathe out rythm is no longer needed when the doctor exchanges a few kind words with Kyanite."How much you love him? I was young once. I loved once. Take care of him, dear."
Hopeless romantic.

Heavy slow footsteps fall on our hard wood floors giving away his departure.

Finally the torture is over and all I have to do is deal with the aftermath. For now I'm numb enough to breathe a sigh of relief and turn my head to see my pretty girl friend. She looks shaken up and has deep lines of worry obscuring her young face.

"You okay, Matthew?"
"I will be."
I even offer her a small smile when she sits next to me to finally kiss me. Her soft lips grace my cheek. I want so much more of this but for now it'll have to do.

Lifting my arm I motion for her to join me on the bed.
"Lay with me for a bit."
I wait until she makes up her mind to share a physically close moment.

To have her this close and actually share a moment alone with Kyanite is overwhelming. I had wished for this so much during the past week when I thought I might never hold her again. That the moment is now here almost justifies the dc.

I feel her petite body next to mine snuggling against my side as much as will be okay for me. Carefully I place my arm across her back and look into her eyes.
They're red rimmed and slightly puffy. She must have cried a lot. Probably worried herself sick. I bet I don't look much better after getting my face smashed into the interrogation table. It doesn't matter though. We don't love each other for our pretty eyes, there's a much deeper bond we share now.
A moment passes where you could hear a pin drop.

A smile tugs on my lips as I say. "Thank you. For being here...and this is not your fault."
I know she thinks so because she has a habit of blaming herself for everything.
If anything it's mine.
"I lied and they didn't buy it."
A groan about my stupidity escapes me. That's one thing i should have trusted O'Rourke with.
"And my attitude didn't help."
Better put the blame on me than her. Plus I'm pretty sure my stand offishness had something to do with the punishment that followed. Unfortunately I've never managed to get a full grip on my temper.

"But I'm out. No more recruit Dunham." The smile about my great achievement slowly fades as I let my own sweaty forehead rest against hers.
If only we could stay like this forever.

This could just be the start of a long row of problems...or possibly the end. Nobody will know for sure for a while. So Mr. Dunham decides not to let it get him down. He's not pessimist and likes to handle things when they arise.
Jeran declares that his fathers plans were to give Kya mother.
"A little late for that maybe..now that she's becoming one herself."
"What irritates me is that she's still trying to get into her life. Next time, she will be the one with the trespassing charge." Jeran's threads make the old man listen up.
"If you want my advice I'd tell her to get lost but don't touch her. You can ony land yourself in a heap of trouble...no need to take that risk. Try to keep all of you safe."
It's a hard time and his advice is rooted and his sons bad experience. There's no need for any more toruble tobe stirred up.

"Understood, sir. How do you think I feel? My sister is still in danger as well as your son is. You don't think I've been terrified that they are going to come and get her next?"
That hasn't really occured to him yet. Is that really a possibility?
"I'll have to talk to Matthew about it. See what happened, how much the peace keepers actually know."

Their conversation gets interrupted by the doctor so both men fall silent very quickly.
He explains how Kyanite helped but then adds in his own advice.
"... whatever your son did, I'd keep underwraps for a while. I won't stay much longer. I'd like to give him another shot here shortly and it should give him a comfortable night."
"I'm not planning on telling anybody."
The marks on the back alone will tell a tale. A lot of people in the districts know that it's the mark of an outlaw. Of course most people also know that being whipped doesn't necessarily mean you've done something aweful but it will still raise brows and cause people to judge you. My father is very aware of that.
"Is he going to be okay?" My fathers heart is usually strong and hard on me but at time he becomes very soft. Today is one of those times since watching me being dragged out of our home just to be returned 12 hours later with those horrible marks on my back has gotten to him more than he'd like to admit.

"As long as they don't get inflammed...I'll be back tomorrow."

With a nod he shakes Jerans hand and smiles. "I assume you're the young ladies brother? or boyfriend?" That would be certainly strange but who knows.
"Would you give me a lift back home?"
With that he grabs his coat and hat from the hook near the door.
--

Finally the whole torture is over so I can relax a little. Especially with Kaynite nearby. It takes a huge load of my shoulder to see that she's doing alright and the bump on her head, that her father caused doesn't seem to be bothering her. I still have to ask though after she agrees to lay down with me and snuggles under my arm.
"Is your head okay?"

I look into her pretty face that so close to mine now pressed against the matress just like mine. It makes it look a little one sided but still pretty. Her hair falls over her face as well. I'd like to brush it away but choose to stay put.

When I confess that I lied to the pks she seems taken back.
"Oh, Matthew. Why did you lie? They could have killed you... you could have been.."
"I tried to protect you by claiming we're just former training partners and friends. I had to...I thought....but" My thoughts trail off to that cold, grey concrete room with the solid steel table and chair boltet to the floor. O'Rourke stated that she was my girl friend,obviously thinking it was okay since he manifactured that statement. Why did I correct him?

When I look back up at her I can see her struggling with tears that treaten to all from puffy eyes again. It's heart breaking. I don't want to see her cry.
"Hey, don't...please." My own face becomes contorted because seeing her cry is almost worse than the throbbing of my back.
"It's over now. Don't cry, Ky."

"You did nothing wrong. You did... nothing... wrong to deserve this."
"Nothing they know of." There's a brief grin on my face. I'm not even referring to her pregnancy but to Jins and how I simply shot that evil bastard.

Our conversation becomes lighter as I declare that I'm no longer a peace keeper in training. At least I think so but instead of her face lighting up there's different emotions washing over it.
"How? It has to be a trick? Right? Or they've set you up for something? Peacekeepers aren't that lienient...God, Matthew... I'm so happy your alive."
"Yeah, me, too." I close my eyes for a moment because her words remind me that I could have come back in a body bag as well if they found out the truth.
"No, the trespassing charge and my lie were enough to get kicked out. I can handle the whipping if it means we're free now."
My words are getting slower and slower through these long sentences because I'm feeling the strength and alertness leave my body now that the adrenalin has worn off and the days events are unfolding their full effect on me.
Plus having her in my arms gives me enough piece of mind to give in to the sleepiness that is promising me to wipe away most of the hurt even if it's just for a little while.

I feel her hand leave mine before her soft lips land on mine to caress them and make me know just how much she loves me. It's soothing.

I feel her turn onto her back next to me before she directs my hand onto her belly.
"Tonight... I'm not leaving your side. You know that right? We are here for you. For as long as you want us."
We. Her and the baby.
My eyes flutter open again as I press down a little onto her belly to get a closer connection. Could I possibly feel it now?
I lift my head to see that her usually super flat abdomen has the tiniest bump on it now. It seems like the baby is growing.
My lips twitch up as I take in the moment. Just her and me and the little one. This day that's been pure hell comes to a beautiful end.
"I don't ever want you to leave."
My words are true. Not that I ever thought I'd say them to a girl but they are all the more true now.
"You said there's a picture."
I snuggle a little closer moving just enough to lay my head right next to hers and my hand can comfortably rest on her lower abdomen.

I'm closing my eyes to possibly fall asleep like that but the pain on my back is making things hard. It still burns and stings like somebody had poured acid all over it, Some parts like my left shoulder, where the cuts are deeper feels worse and the middle where my spine lies just underneath the skin.
It's going to be a tough night but with her presence I know I'll get through it.

Unfortunately Kyanite doesn't have the picture of our child on her so I'll have to wait. It surely would have been something to help me comprehend why it was worth this kind of pain. Not that I'm shy of it. I've been in many fights and have some pretty harsh experiences from loosing fingers to getting a dagger in the lung. Back then I was too out of it to actually feelthe full force of it. Until the doctor came to help and shot me up with whatever it was, morphling would be my guess, I wasn't so lucky today. And all that kept me going from this morning to tonight were the two human beings by my side.
I never would have imagined standing up for somebody and possibly risking my own health or life for them. I'm not that kind of person. I'm selfish. But not when I'm with her, not anymore.

That night I'm going through a living hell. For most of the time I'm in a light slumber that's filled with a dull throbbing sensation that prevents me from going into deeper sleep. Every time I actually wake up it hits me with full force making me wish I would have never been born. I want to scream and groan but holdmost of it back because of Ky right next to me who's sound asleep and probably needs every minute of it. I'm sure she's gone through hell the past days as well.
I don't know which way to turn without hurting. I feel trapped under a thick layer of hot burning pain on my back. So eventually I get up and pull myself outside into the cold night air, which seems to help a bit.
By the time the old church tower clock strikes two I'm so exhausted and tired that I pass out in her arms to finally rest.

Hours later I come to although I have every desire not to. My eyes flutter open because I can't feel her next to me anymore. Instead the pain return.
"Gahhhh." I groan even before my eyes are completely open.
Why did she leave? And where did Kyanite go?
Her presence seems more important than anything right now.
I lift my head to see whether she's nearby but the girl's gone. Instead bright day light beams in through half drawn curtains warming the skin on my face.
I virtually have to remind myself that I wanted this. I asked for it. I wanted out and was ready to pay the price. But how long will this damn payment take?

Placing both palms on the sheet next to me I push myself off the bed but instantly regret flexing my back muscles so I opt for rolling out instead to use the bathroom.

On my way there I spot the front door open and hear my fathers voice but do I have the energy to check on him?

---
At five in the morning Mr. Dunham came back from a late night shift at the company because he needed to keep things there rolling but mostly just to get his head on a different topic.
In the hallway stood the pretty brunette.
"Hey. What are you doing up so early? It's barely five..."
"Work..." Who was he kidding. This girl knew exactly what was going on so he sighed.
"Needed to clear my head. Is everything alright? What are you doing up? You know you can use Matthews bed upstairs, too."
She was still in her day clothes from yesterday.
"He finally got to sleep somewhere around two... or three. He was pretty restless. I wish I could take his pain away..."
"I think you do."
The father was usually not a very warm person, expressing feelings. Maybe he simply didn't pay attention to his own feelings if he had them. Through this experience he learned a thing or two about himself. He was worried, scared even and he discovered how much a good relationship with his son meant to him even if that meant letting in a girl. He also discovered gratefullness.
"I'm glad you're here. I doubt cuddling with me would have the same effect." He smirked a little in the same way I always do when I think I made a good joke.

"In two or three hours I'll make you some breakfast. Go back to bed, Kyanite."

He kept his promise and three hours later rolls and eggs were waiting for the girl together with a cup of tea.
"It's nice outside this morning. C'mon."
The table on the porch was set with simple porcelain plates and cups.
"My way to say thank you...." He lowered his gaze. "And sorry. I should have been moresupportive but I could only see the danger...the bad, you know."

--

I barelymake itto the bathroom before my blood pressure drops leaving me half blind and with the feeling of throwing up any minute. I feel so shaky and sick that I'm worried I might fall over and hit my head on the knee high bathtub.
"Dad...Ky..." I croak but I can barely hear my own voice as I slump down on the cold blue and white bathroom tiles to lay down on my back and put my feet up on the bathtub to get some of my blood back in my head.

--

"At least the sun's out, birds are singing...today's a new day." My father says trying to sound confident and cheerful before he drinks some tea.

With the first rays of sun creeping over the garden hedge from the East and a few early birds singing they actually have a moment of peace. The breakfast looks delicious and fills the old man's stomach that has been empty for almost 24 hours. Quickly he eats almost half of his food before he sighs. "Oh, I was hungry. What abut you? You don't like it?"

That's when she suddenly gets up to go inside the house. Not too much later he hears a distant call from somewhere inside. It seems urgent is there's not the slightest bit of hesitation.

--
With my back pressed against the cold tiles by my weight the pain returns to me full force only dulled by my drop of blood pressure. There's a nasty nauseating feeling creeping up from my stomach threatening to make it's way all the way up. I cover my face with my hands and draw some shallow breaths letting them flow back out over my pursed lips.
Shit, the aftermath got me.
"Dad." I try again when the door of the bathroom gets knocked into my shoulder.

Someone tries to push their way inside so I open my eyes to see Ky's long dark dangling locks over my face while she calls out my name. It's all I can make out.
Thank goodness she's still here. Not that she can do much but at least I'm not alone. By now I'm lost all feeling of shame when it comes to her. I don't care if she sees me vulnerable in the worst kinds of situations.

In a heartbeat she's next to me and her hand on my skin demanding to know what happened.
"Matthew... what's wrong? What happened?"
But before I can even try to answer she hollers for my father right next to myear. I swear she's never been this loud and panicking before. It sounds like the scream of a desperate child.
I want to assure her nothing's wrong so I grab her arm.
"Just...blood..." the word pressure never makes it across my lips because a wave of nausea makes me roll over before dry heaves shake my malfucntioning frame. there's not a damn thing in my stomach that could make it's appearance but the acid going up my pipe still makes me gag.
With bright red face I try to choke back the mess.
This is where I do become embarassed and cover my face. Why does she have to watch this?

One minute, another...then they subside. What a horrible feeling.

"Sorry." I wipe my mouth with my hand.
"Just give me a moment and..." My eyes fall upon my father who's standing in the doorway behind Kyanite with a look on his face that I've never seen before. I can even see tears glistening in his eyes.
The man, who's raised me to be a hard ass, who's never showed any feelings but hate towards women is breaking on the inside and it's so plainly visible. It#s a good and a bad thing at the same time.

"Dad." I force a smile on my face. "Don't look so worried. I'm okay." (said the fly before it got squashed)

For some reason a notion overcomes me. I need to get a grip of my body functions and handle all of this better. Both Kyanite and my father are falling apart at the seems when the worst is over.

My intentions to smarten or 'strengthen' up are good but I need a moment to get my bearings back. The aweful sickness in my stomach remains while I swallow against the raw feeling that the acid left in my throat.
Ky's doing her best to sound calm and reassuring but I can feel her hand tremble against my right shoulder blade. She's nervous, maybe even scared.
At least she's trying to cover it up with a joke when I claim I'm fine. "Yeah. Sure you are..."
"I think I just got up too fast. A little morning sickness." My voice cracks in a strange way when I laugh at my own joke. Oh gosh, how happy will I be when I'm trhough the first day or two.
That's what I focus on: This will go away soon and then we'll be together.

"Matthew, are you able to stand? Or do we have to call the neighbors to carry you into your room?" She tries her best to help me but it's not working. I need a few minutes to let my stomach settle and the blood rush back to my head.
Plus the neighbors have known me since I was a little boy. "Spare me the embarassment. they'll read it in the paper soon enough." I growl because that's one of the things I didn't think about before: A year ago people would know me from the pregames as one of the few careers who made it far. Now they will know me as a guy who's broken the law.

My father is fighting hard with himself, torn between cursing out the peace keepers and feeling sympathetic.
"Those fucking bastards, I can't believe what they've done to you. The system is so corrupt and wrong when peace keepers can beat down innocent people like this."
We all know that but nobody dares to voice it and as long as we don't experience it ouselves we remain quiet.
"Dad, don't!" I warn him with a shocked expression.
The last thing we need is the wrath of the dc coming down on my father as well.

He gives me a hard look and seems to be muloing my words over, then he shakes his head at Kyanite and crouches down to grab my feet again and places them back on top of the bath tub.
"We will but wait a few minutes. Maybe grab a glass of water."

It takes a few minutes until my sense completely return and my stomach settles down. All the while she's holding my back as if I was her child. A weird thought, yet very soothing.
For a moment I look up at her concerned face, which almost makes me smile. "You'll be a great mother." I commend and tease her at the same time and then nod to them to help me up.

Without asking permission my father reaches down with his old but strong arms and picks me up as if I weighed nothing. "I still need to pee."

Then they wak me back to the guest room and I crawl back onto the bed because the sickness returns.
On top of that I feel a hole in the pit of my stomach that desperately needs to be filled with food.
"Could I get some of that breakfast I smelled?"

The mother remark puts a frown on my fathers face because he can't see it. The good mother- in no woman he knows, especially not in a young girl like Kyanite. She does try her best to take good care though.

So he excuses himself claiming that he'll get some food for me, which I'm thankful for because right now I'm not sure what's worse-the lingering nausea or the huge hole in my stomach, which might be part of the reason I feel sick.

I'm thankful to be back on the bed and off my back because the hard tiles were agonizing.
My little excursion to the bathroom has worn me out like a 10 mile run. By now the shot, the doctor has given me the night before has totally worn off leaving more than enough room for the searing, hot pain to return to a large part of my body.

I try my best to cope without whining but there are limits to my ability to hide my feelings. For a moment I turn my face away from Kyanite, who's pulling the chair up to the bed. I press my eyes close and grit my teeth waiting for the throbbing that seems worst on my left shoulder blade and my spine to subside after I've stopped moving. It's harsh to say the least. And it's all over. It feels like they completely peeled the skin of my back.

"Pain going away already?" She says as a joke but I can't laugh. So I say nothing at all. If she's here I'd better hide whatever I can because knowing ky she will blame it all on herself. She's one of those people who like to feel bad for the worlds mystery.

"You want to help me name, sprout?" Her words surprise me and provide enough distraction for a moment. "might as well start now... unless Sprout is going to be the name..."
I turn my head back to her and reach for her hand with a forced smile.
"Sprout's pretty sweet." I press out.

The breakfast my dad brings in provides the rest of the necessary distraction.
It smells good. There's even some strips of bacon.
"Breakfast in bed, just for you, Matthew. Don't get used to it. It's only a one time deal, got it?"
If I had a choice I'd sit in the chair on the sun deck out back.
But at least she's in a better humor. That's good. I hate to see her so worried. Keeping her spirits up is a much better way to go. Better for the little one, too.
"I'll milk it for all its worth."

I nuzzle her hand to feel her close. The connection to her always becomes three times as strong as soon as I can feel her and at the moment it's what matters most to me. Unbelievable but she seems to direct my every move now. Not purposely but still.
I guess it's what my father warned me off. You loose yourself in a woman. You loose yourself in love until your own goals and plans become less important than the person you're with.

My father seems to sense that we need some alone time so he retreats back out of the room after Ky thanks him and he tells her. "That's alright, Kyanite. You can stay as long as you want to although I'm a little worried that here might not be the best place if the two of you want to be together...nor is your place. If you can't stay apart, you'd better figure out a way where people can't see you together for a while."

My fathers words make me gasp. His words are so sharp and harsh but true. The last thing we need is to get caught together...not for a while anyway.
But right now I have no capacity to think about better ways to be together. I just want her close, so I pull on her hand to come a little closer after my father leaves.

"He's right, you know. We need to find a more secluded place to spend time together until things blow over. Not now though." With my last word a small groan escapes me.

How do I eat this food now? If I move, I'm in pain, if I roll onto my side or back...not thank you. So I reach for the plate to pull it close but a sharp stinging sensation makes me pull back my hand. 'ouch'.
I drop my face back onto the pillow and give up.

"What were your name ideas again?" I mutter against the dark blue fabric that's muffling my sounds.

Is this really it? We're having a baby together, talking about baby names like it was the most normal thing for us to do? Where others have months to prepare themselves, plan and enjoy, we've been put through a whirl wind of emotions. Is this baby going to bind us together even more or break our backs? I'm not sure but every time I think about becoming a father I get overwhelmed by insecurity and happiness at the same time.
I get chocked up all over again and with my face still against the pillow I turn to see her.
"Do you get so happy and scared at the same time, too, when you think about her...or him...I know I'm probably the worst guy to have a baby with but I want it so much. You would not believe it. I would not believe it."

The way things were going over the past months I'm not sure that the baby's actually safe with me.

I fall silent for a moment. The only thing I do is squeeze her hand every now and then while I get a little lost in thoughts. "Did I do the right thing?"