OUT (Kyanite)

The walk was long going back home. I couldn't seem to see past the tears that were flooding my eyes. The fear seeping into my soul that I'd never get to see Matthew again. Images of the peacekeepers wanting to break into my house and pulling me away as well. Thoughs of my baby being lost to me because of what's happened. It's enough to make me pull my hair out, but the moment I got home, Jeran was already waiting outside the door. His expression so solemn as he sat on the steps and when he saw me, I think he knew something was wrong. I didn't even make it to the front steps before he descended the stairs and embraced me in a hug and let me pour out my heart, soaking his shirt in the process.

"He'll be fine, Kya. You have to believe it. It's not going to be easy but it'll work out." He tries to offer comfort as his arm is draped along my shoulders, allowing me to press my head against him. My head on his chest as his grip on my back is protecting me from myself. I can't find the time to let those tears fall, but silence has overcome me. Just a simple nod of my head once is all he gets in return. Still, he doesn't move and his lips touch the top of my head and his cheek is pressed against my hair. Finally, he leads me inside and to the couch. He sits with me on the couch, letting me lean against him as my eyes close for a few moments.

An hour or so has passed when I wake with a blanket draped across my person, and I hear the sizzling of something cooking. Something smells wonderful as the aroma of cooking meat and a distinct smell of tomatoes waft around in the air. I'm not sure what he's fixing, but there's no way I can consume anything. My stomach hurts like no other. It's a mix between being sick and fear. Even my heart is somber with little energy to move.

"Kya, you awake?" He asks as his head pops around the corner to witness my eyes being open. "I'm making your favorite. Figured you needed your strength and were hungry."

I immediately shake my head. "Not hungry, Jeran."

"Kya... don't do this. He's going to be fine. Quit worrying yourself so much. It's not good for the baby. He emphasises the word because of how I corrected him at the hospital from calling the baby an it. "Besides, I'm sure we would have heard something by now if he was back. Interrogations take time... maybe he's already done and chatting with someone?"

I sit up from the couch, taking the blanket with me to keep the chill from reaching my skin should I expose my body. As soon as my feet hit the floor and I'm up, I feel lightheaded only for it to pass off a moment later. Luckily, Jeran doesn't notice it at all. I walk to the kichen slowly and the aroma gets even stronger now. It's an old recipe that my mom made when I was little. A tomatoe based soup with veggies and a bit of meat to go in it. "Thanks, Jeran."

I bring my arms, covered in blanket and all, and wrap them around his waist, as he wraps his arms around my neck. Moments that I want to never end. My big brother being everything to me right now. The last person I can fully trust. The last peice of family I got. The last...

The hug lasted for a good while. More than just siblings should be able to hug, but I didn't really think about it. All of this is being put onto him so suddenly. What with him being the one to arrest my father. He had to go to the hospital with me and take over my care. Watch helplessly by my bedside as the doctors look at my head and bandaged the parts that could be patched. He's got all this responsibilty thrust upon him as well as the academy to boot. I don't know how he's doing it but he needs just as much of support as me. We're both dealing with the more horrid of events. Right now, I feel like we are both worried about one thing right now.

Matthew.

With the completion of the food, he leisurely scoops out two spoonfuls and puts it in a bowl for me. The piping hot soup is just begging for me to dig into it. However, I just can't let my mind rest. My heart is just weary; still worrying over Matthew. I want to know where he is. How he's doing? When he was going to be able to come back home. I hate all of these scenarios going through my head without the knowledge of him being okay or worse for wear. I just want to know at this point.

"Eat, Kya." Jeran says.

With a gentle nod, I reluctantly consume the food. The warmth of it all seems to give me a warm feeling throughout my body and it's got a calming effect to it. A few bites in, I rest my head against my hand, propping it up on the table by my elbow. The spoon stops moving and released. A moment later, a hand goes to my stomach and the feelings are overwhelming as tears suddenly fall.

"I can't take this Jeran. I can't stand not knowing where he is. I can't stand not having mom here. I don't want to do this. It isn't fair. Why are we the ones that have to suffer? Why is it that you have to deal with all this shit and I'm terrified that I have to raise this baby on my own? What is so wrong for us to have a good family?" Fingertips rub up and down on my back several times, straight lines smoothing my nerves. A thumb rubbing nearer to my neck and then stopping and pulling me closer to him. He's allowed me so much of his shoulder to lean on in the past week. I don't understand how he's able to keep so calm and under control when I'm a complete mess.

Without being able to consume the rest of the meal, he's allowed me to retreat back to the couch, and cover up. It seems like just a few moments had passed and my eyes had shut once more before a phone interrupts my slumber and just like that, I spring to life and racing to the phone. I reach it just before Jeran can pick it up, but the sound of Matthew's father on the phone is grave.

"Kyanite Ruze..." I pause to listen. "So, I can come see him? If he's free?"

My knees feel weak with the words that come next.

"... I'm sorry but he's in no shape to see you. Maybe tomorrow..." I don't even hear the rest of it as the phone drops from my hand and my back hits against the wall. This grave look on my face tells all.

"He's hurt... Jeran he's..." I pull myself together and head straight for the door. My fingers barely get a grip on the handle before Jeran's pulling me back.

"Wait till the morning. Please? Wait until I can drive you, Kya. I'm sure he's fine." He tries to reassure me, but there's no stopping me once I get my mind set on something. I'm going to go see him if it's the last thing I do.

"Out of my way, Jeran." I jerk out of his grip and get out the door as quick as I can before the offer to drive me is given.

Before the car is even in park, I race up to Matthew's house. My knocks may seem a bit frantic, but I'm desperate to see him despite the condition he may be in. "Mr. Dunham? Matthew?"

"Mr. Dunham? Matthew?" My voice shouts, echoing through the darkening clouds. I have no clue what time it is, but the sun has already disappeared under the tree line and the darkness is looming. It had to be now that I got the call. When it wasn't exactly a good time to be taking a stroll at night, but with Jeran's help, I didn't have to walk. "Mr. Dunham?"

Just as my voice calls out Matthew's father's name, he opens the door rather quickly. The look on his face tells all. He simply wasn't expecting me. He did say on the phone that Matthew would be available for me to see tomorrow maybe, but that was it. I couldn't wait. I've been so worried about him that I can't just 'wait' again. If I do anymore waiting, I'll scream.

"Hello. I thought you'd come tomorrow." He pushes the door open for me to walk in and even with the offer to come in, I find my legs unable to move. They feel utterly limber.

"I couldn't wait... when you said he was in no shape... I could only assume. Is he okay, Mr. Dunham. Is he going to be okay?" I'm terrified to see what's happened to him. My thoughts are going to the worst case scenario, but that's been ruled out. He's not dead. He's not shipped off to the capitol. So, how badly did they treat him? Is his legs cut like his father had said? Did they sever some part of his body or render him unconscious? Will I even recognize him? Will he recognize me?

A hand on my back makes me jump as Jeran stands behind me, and his hand takes hold of my arm. "Good evening, Sir. I'm sorry. She insisted to come and see him. I couldn't let her walk all the way here. My apologies for arriving unannounced."

Jeran is just a good person and his tone is so calm, but inside I"m screaming to get rid of the formalities. "Can I see him? Please? I just need to see that he's here." I beg his father. Then another issue comes up. "What happened at.. the dc?"

"I'm not sure. He got punished... what for... you'd have to ask him. But shh...quiet." His father instructs me to be quiet, but inside I'm completely screaming inside. I want nothing more than to burst into his room and wrap him tight within my grasp. I don't want to see him hurt. I don't want to see him in any kind of bad shape, but I'm afraid I will. I know I will.

Jeran's fingers touch the back of my shoulder and coaxes me to go in while he stays behind and leaves me to enter Matthew's room. The room is dark, except for the light beside his bedside that illuminates the room just enough so I can see the outline of his body laying on the bed. Problem is he's not stirring. He's just laying there and as I take two more steps in, I can see his prostrate body on the bed. I shake my head already and both hands go to my mouth as I feel like my body is now being pulled as if I were attached to a string. My heart has dropped.

"Matt...hew?" I whisper, afraid to cause him any moments of fear or pain. I'm not sure what I'm walking into, but the door closes behind me and I'm alone. My hands fall to my sides as I get nearer to the bed and that's when I see the blood stained shirt. His back much be raveged from a beating and it's all because of what I was afraid of. I didn't want this to happen. I didn't want him to be hurt. I was told from Jeran that he'd be okay. That he would be alright. A few questions then he'd be chatting it up with his fellow comrades.

"No!" My whispered voice squeaks out a little louder, but nowhere near my normal tone. Slowly, but surely, I drop to my knees beside his bed to look into his face. His features so pained and I can tell immediately that sleep isn't helping. Why hadn't they taken care of his back? Why hasn't his father done something to clean his wounds? To let him lay here and suffer? He needs a doctor and ointment and... so much stuff. My head dips and tears fall like a river over a waterfall.

"I'm so sorry, Matthew. My God what did they do to you." My voice can't get any height whatsoever. I can't even breath for fear of screaming. The next moment, I lean up to his bed, and let my nose touch his softly. I hold that pose. I hold that pose because I can feel that breath being released from his lungs. That warm, slow moist wind coming from him. It's..

Air.

It means he's alive. It means that he's still with me. It means that our little baby will still have the father that he or she needs and deserves. A twinge of fear prickles the back of my neck and travels to my stomach, wretching it in an awful manner. A choked hiccup comes next as my lips slowly, and tenderly touch his lips. They feel the same. They feel miraculously wonderful against my own. If only... if only I could keep his lips for my taking forever. I'm not even sure if I can. I don't even know what happened at the dc.

Somehow, I find myself completely sitting on the floor. My hand up on the bed, my head fallen once more with my eyes closed and tears cascading down my cheeks. They continously stain the carpet, marking the spots with sodden sorrow. I have to do something. He's done nothing but taken care of me. He's always been there for me. Now? It's my turn to take care of him.

Slowly, I stand and let my lips touch his cheek. I can't help but let it linger there. I don't want to leave him. I don't want to walk away from him, but there is something more dire. In the living room, I catch Jeran and his father sitting on the couch. Neither of them look like they want to talk to each other, but Jeran's look on his face tells all. He's scared for me and for Matthew.

"Jeran... he needs help. He needs medicine and... and," I can't get out any more as Jeran takes the initiative to get up and race to my side, eveloping me within his grasp.

"Kya. I will take care of him, okay? If Mr. Dunham will let me?" He lifts his chin from atop my head and turns to Mr. Dunham. "Is it okay?"

"Jeran... his shirt.. it's so red. There was so much blood on his shirt. They've really hurt him. I hate them! I hate them!" My fingers grip tightly against his chest and turn into fists. Now, I feel so much hate toward the peacekeepers but it doesn't don on me that Jeran is still trying to become one of them. Instead he only shushes me as a parent would a child.

"Kya, let me deal with this okay? Calm down, sis." Once again, he turns to Mr. Dunham with that look in his eyes. "I need antiseptic and gauze, if you can spare them. If not, I'll get some from my house."

I.... hate them. I truely, and honestly hate the peacekeepers for hurting Matthew like they did. They didn't need to. They were only suppose to interrogate him on a trespassing charge. Matthew didn't do anything wrong so why do that to him? Why punish him so harshly and leave him bleeding from the wounds they've inflicted? It was horrible to see what I did. Even with Jeran's arms around me, trying to protect me, it does little to console me. I've left him in that dark room to lay in pain while I'm trying to get some form of help for him.

"Maybe we should call a doctor?" Mr. Dunham suggests, but I'm unsure of any doctor that would come to our aid to help when it comes to a peacekeeper punishment. Unless there might be one. There was always that one doctor to come when we most needed him and in our time of need. Maybe, for Matthew's sake, he'll do us one more favor? Slowly, I peel away from Jeran wiping away a few strey tears that keep falling, but Mr. Dunham is gone when I look only to have him turn up a few minutes later. He's got a big box filled with bandages and things, but he suddenly doesn't want us to do anything to Matthew at all.

"I'm not sure that's a good idea. I'm glad he's asleep now because that pain... it's hard to bare. With this stuff you'd only make it worse."

"If we don't... who knows how many times those things have been used on others? If they've ever been cleaned. The wounds needn't get infected. We need to clean them before they set and dry up or it's going to be worse on him." Jeran chimes out, sitting the box down on the table and stareing Mr. Dunham down.

"Jeran. Dr. Knowles. I'll get Dr. Knowles. He can help." I state, and immediately go to the door. My mind is completely set on autopilot. I can't even feel my legs any more. There is just a drive to get to where I want to go to help. Again, Jeran seems to be in so much control as his hand lays upon my shoulder stopping me.

"Kya! Damnit, would you listen to me?" His voice, now a bit furious with me, snaps me out of the daze I'm in. That's when I see the concern on his face and he places his other hand on my shoulder. He's forcing me to look at him and to understand him. "Where does Dr. Knowles live again? I'll go get him, okay? Matthew needs you here. You need to get a hold of yourself and calm down. If you don't, I'm going to take you home, understand me?"

I give him a nod and take a deep breath. My eyesight turns to Matthew's father and I see the amount of concern on his face as well. Neither of us is taking this well. Slowly, I tell Jeran where the doctor lives.

Can you tell me more about what happened? I only know he's been charged with trespassing becaue he was at your place and your father didn't want him there. Did Matthew attack your father? Or is this about... I can't imagine that they'd whip one of their own for being in his girl friends home."

"No sir. Matthew never touched my father, but I also don't know why they would punish your son for just a trespassing charge. They had to have found something else to charge him with or he did something else they didn't like." Jeran interjects.

"Jeran... do you think they did it because of the baby? Did O'Rourke tell them about it... why would he do that? Why would he endanger our lives?" Fear is gripping me so hard right now. I can only think that they know now. All the peacekeepers know about my baby and Matthew being the father. If they did this to him for trespassing and the baby, the realiziation starts to hit with two other people in their care; Charlie and my father. My stomach clenches up tight, threatening to expell it's contents. "I need to sit..."

My fingers reach out for the couch and with a little guidence from Jeran, I'm leaning over my knees taking in several deep breaths to calm my stomach. What a horrible night this has suddenly become.

"Mr. Dunham, I'll be back shortly. I'll go get Dr. Knowles for Matthew. Just keep him resting for as long as possible, alright?" He states and grabs his keys and leaves through the door.

"Mr. Dunham... you were right. About all of it." I mutter.

At this point, I feel like falling apart, if I wasn't already. My mind is completely being tossed with so many scenes like in one of the capitol films they would show. Recaps of kids being killed and of peacekeepers following young children to the stage to their deaths. It's similar in ways to my emotional stabilty because I feel like nothing will ever be the same. That fear of being underglass for all to watch. Matthew is the one that is being watched now. One thing can go wrong and it's all done for. One more small vision of my father being beaten half to death invades my mind because he did the ultimate no-no that day. He attacked two other peacekeepers and myself. He'd be pretty lucky if he wasn't dead...

Yes, I was. but what's done is done and Matthew clearly made a choice what he wants, otherwise he would have ditched you like all the other short flings he had before. But you're special and tht's how he treats you. So I'd better smarten up."

Slowly, my intake of breaths slow my heartrate. The calming place of where I sit takes effect. Mr. Dunham and my brother are right. I need to calm down. I need to be there for him and my inability to stay calm won't make things any better around here. Matthew needs me more than ever. He needs me to be strong? I can do that, right?

With a furious swipe at my eyes, I let the air go into my lungs slowly and out just the same way. I lean up, and let my back rest against the back of the couch and tilt my head back. My shoulder becomes my sleeve and takes away the wetness left over by those tears brought on by the fear of seeing Matthew's well being. I stand.

"I'm going to go check on him." My voice still shakes, but there's a sudden amount of confidence wanting to leak through it as well. My arms fold up in front of me as I descend down the hallway again to the guest room where Matthew is. This time, seeing him won't come as much as a brutal shock as it did the first time, but opening the door and seeing his body yet again, does making me really bite back the emotions.

Keep strong, Kyanite. He don't need to hear you cry. You need to be his rock. Take care of him. He needs you. And you need him... I leave the door open just a few inches when I come in and walk over to his bed once again. This time, when I see him, I see this form of vulnerability that I've never seen before. Not ever, even when he was in the pre-games. He's always been undefeated. This time, he just looks lost and somewhere far away.

"Matthew?" I whisper. I don't say his name to get him to stir, but it's mainly for my own need to say it. Once again, I get to bended knee beside his bed and my fingers touch his cheek first. My thumb moves slowly up and down on his cheek and wiping away the sweat that's beading on his forehead. He's very far away because he don't stir with my touch.

"Matthew, it's Kyanite. I'm here, my sweet. I won't leave you again. I promise." I tell him and let my nose come close to his again. I'm not sure why this position is comforting, but the way his breath comes out and tickles my skin is comforting. "I love you."

I back up away from him, and let my hand once again move across his face. This time, I move to smooth back a little bit of his short hair. "Jeran went to get Dr. Knowles. We're going to take care of you. Just rest." I rest my palm against his neck, just under his jawline.

My hand stays nearer to his neck then ever. I don't want to let go of him for fear that he may slip away into nothing and I'll be forced to leave. I still don't know what's going to happen but for tonight, no one will keep me away from him. He's under my care and hopefully, when morning comes, I won't be shooed away either. It's incredibly scary to see this strong man in front of me look so weak right now. It just isn't natural at all. Despite the strength I'm trying to show, my throat still burns with the efforts to not cry. I hate seeing him like this and I've never experienced this type of emotions with anyone else. I've never cared if someone else was injured when I was a career. What has he done to me? To care for someone so deeply?

Without notice, his eyes open and I feel my heart flutter with joy. The way his eyes look at me has to be nothing more than just a dream to him. He looks so out of it. Completely dumbfounded to see me as well.

"Matthew. You're awake." I say in such a low tone when he touches my hand and my lips are pulled in tightly to bite hard on the skin. It's taking more than anything to burst out with a happy tone. He needs quiet and peace.

Just as soon as his eyes opened, they close again and I find myself thanking the heavens for that small amount of hope that he's going to be alright. The noises that come from him, painful groans, tears at my heart. Once again, my hand finds his cheek, and forehead, smoothing skin and wiping away sweat as his body shivers.

"You're going to be okay, Matthew. Just lay still. Jeran went to go get the doctor." I tell him and slowly, my lips touch his cheek. "I'll be back."

I get up and walk out of his room and upstairs to the bathroom to get a wash cloth and dampen it with a bit of cool water and return to his side post haste. There, I let the cloth touch his forehead. Gentle strokes against his skin. Some time has passed by slowly and when I hear the door open and two voices chime in, I know that Jeran had finally gotten the doctor.

"He's in here." I hear Matthew's father's voice say just before the door opens up.