OUT (Kyanite)

I don't want to wake up, not onelittle bit but as soon as the pain alerts my senses there's no ging back to sleep. 'Oh for fucks sake' I curse inwardly also because that dream ended too soon.

On the upside I find that I'm not alone. To my great relief Kyanite has not left my side as she maybe should have just in case somebody comes to my place and finds her there. I'm pretty sure my father has an eye out and would warn us to use the back door.

Even before I open one eye I can feel her next to me and hear her breathe. it's a very familiar sound by now. I could probably pick her breathing out of a dozen others because I've grown so used to it. It's a little faster than usually when we lie in bed and equals mine because of the slight rush of adrenalin when my dream ended so abruptly due to the pain in my back.
"Matthew, baby, you okay? Hey... bad dream?" She asks with a concerned voice.
I probably woke her up.

Slowly I open both eyes and rub my index finger and thumb over my eyes but instantly regret the movement. Day two seems to be worse than day one.

My self controll kicks in as I put a smile on my face and assure her. "Nope, not really."

My girl friend yawns long and tired revealing just how exhausting last night was for her. I wish it would have been exhausting for different reasons, that would be much more joyous.
All the worrying and little sleep is getting to her, I can tell. Maybe I should send her home to get some rest. I'm too selfish to let her go though.

Out of the corner of my eye I can see her study my abused back before she states in a low tone, that I've not heard many times before.
"I should go get Dr. Knowles... make sure your shoulder isn't getting infected. See if he can give you something else for pain."

It doesn't take a genius that it must look that way to her. Add the chills and flushed cheeks I've got it's a likely possibility-maybe even a wanted side effect of the punishment those assholes purposely deliver to people like me.
Good thing Ky doesn't know what I'm thinking and can't feel all the hate I'm harboring for those men I used to call brothers not too long ago.

Her hand on my cheek brings me out of my thoughts. "Was it a nightmare? Wanna tell me about it?"
I look at her blankly for one moment before I shake my head no.
"Not really. It was a weird dream though."
Have I ever shared a dream with anyone? I don't think so. Do I want to start now?
I search her face. She looks so pretty, all natural, even with dark circles under her eyes. The way her hair cascades to the side over her shoulder. The curve of her brows, the small, straight nose and pursed lips.
"I was in the desert, walking and walking, sun blazing down on me but suddenly it ended. Just when I thought I'm going to die of dehydration. There was a brght green meadow with butterflies and stuff and near a stream there was a small girl."
I smile a little embrassed. "Must be all that talk about baby names."

I turn my head towards her belly and say. "Morning."

Then I interlace our fingers and rub her hand but soon I feelthe need to move because my hole body has become stiff whilst laying on my stomach and not moving. My neck issore from turning my head to one side so I brace myself and roll to the side to push myself up o a sitting position.

It hurts- bad. That stinging, pulsating sensation seems to make it's way down to my hips and further. It actually costs me some effort not to lay back now or groan. I wait for the worst to subside and then stand up using the bed post as support.
"I need to move a little. I'm getting all stiff."

When I turn back to see her laying on the bed I spot her belly hanging slightly to the side. It looks much bigger than usually. She's acctually showing. "Wow." Escapes me. "Look at that."
Kyanite is no longer the small tough chick who will kick my ass if I mock her, nor is she the young woman who constantly tries to please a father for whom no fight is good enough, no, she's become a young woman with a large bundle to carry by herself.

"Are you okay...it must be tough...with your dad and all."
After all he is still in the dc.

My feet firmly pressed against the ground and my palm on top of a red oak dresser I remain standing even though it’s hard. I’m swaying slightly and I feel weak but all my muscles have become so tense and sore from the whipping and then the laying flat for maybe 20 hours I need to move and loosen up and bit.

Kyanite provides the perfect distraction as she lays there in her tight shirt with her stomach buldging just a tiny bit. I can’t take my eyes of the small promising bump because I doubt she’s eaten that much. It must be our growing baby. The idea alone softens my heart like nothing else. There’s going to be another human being. A small life because of us. It’s an amazing thought. Why would anybody think that this could be wrong?

"Yeah... there goes my girlish figure." Ky jokes but there’s an underlying worried sound to her words while she caresses her own form. Maybe she’s worried about getting bigger, loosing the perfectly toned shape she’s always been in. She will put on a few pounds for sure.
“You’ll have a beautiful mama figure.”
I’m just saying this to make her feel better but as soon as the words leave my mouth I have to thik about my own mother. What did she look like when she was pregnant. Did she hate it? Did she already want to leave when my sister or me were inside of her?
I fall silent for a moment.
Wherever this wretched woman may be I don’t care to ever show her my child.

So I ask her whether she’s doing alright with her father gone, which I feelpartly responsible for. I could have said nothing happened, he didn’t hit me.

Her thoughts however are less about her current lonely situation or her fathers fate than our babies. Apparently the way he treated her has left deep scars, much deeper than me or her thought. She’d always taken it as a given and now for the first time starts questioning it, which I’m grateful for. I watch her closely as she opens up, which is a special occassion.


"I don't want my baby to be training as if they are going to be pushed into the games, Matthew. I know what it's like to have that pressure... I know what it's like to have that parent who wants nothing but fame and perfection..."
Her eyes bore into me as if she’s trying to warn me not to do what her old man did.
I let her.

"...you will not know disappointment if you do not acheive the goals of a trainer. You will have that option to fight or not. I won't push you to do something you don't want if you want to pursue other dreams, but I will encourage you, little one."

Silently I question whether I’m on board with all she says. Will I ever push our son over the edge? Will I try to make him better by being hard? I think so but now is not a good time to discuss this. She’s too fragile on the inside and I can barely stand on my feet anymore.

"I also.. will not make you sleep at the training center because I know that you'll just go sleep at someone elses house. Did I ever thank you for that? I can't remember. No matter how... mean you were back then, you were always decent to me. sometimes..."

Her grins make me smile, too. It’s hard not to when she does. It’s contagious like nobody elses.

“Sometimes? Nice of you…” I tease her before I sit back down on the edge of the bed, slowly and carefully.

Ky looks much more comfortable than I am. I feel a shiver run down my spine and want to crawl back onto that dent I left on the mattress next to her but I need a glass of water and a bathroom.
“I’ll be back soon.”

This time I’m much more careful, holding on to the door frame, top of the bath tub, then sink.

From above the sink my flushed reflection stares back at me and for a very brief moment I even smile just to see what it looks like because it seems to me that I’ve frowned a whole lot lately. It’s almost engraved on my features by now.
Then I turn around to see the bandages she’s taped to my back. I only catch a glimpse but I can tell they’re stuck and soaked through in parts and will need to come off. Not something I fancy but she'll push me, I'm sure. It seems like she's the only one who can. Everybody else I'd tell to piss off.

Then I cup some water in my mouth and do what I needed to do. This time without falling overor getting sick.

Another shiver shakes me as I stand there and suddenly I remember that dream I had. The one with the small blonde, curly headed girl at the creek. Could our kid look like that one day? It’s more of a feeling than an actual clear image though.
Probably not. I’m adamant about a boy.

So I return to my room where I find Kyanite half a sleep on the bed. To say I feel like crap would be an understatement. Every tiny little move is agonizing and I’m pretty sure my body is reacting to the abuse in a not too fond way. Even just setting a foot in front of the other provokes the muscles in my lower back to work and put tension on the tender skin.
My only distraction is she.There on the bed. Picture perfect.

So I crawl closer and rest my head near hers so I can see her.
“What are you going to do for the next months? Go to school? Work? I mean it would be good to stay busy.”
I’m not trying to say she’s lazy. Ky’s always kept herself busy, I’m just worried about that loneliness she’s been talking about.
“At least you don’t have to feel lonely anymore. Until things blow over we can meet at my grandfathers old house or in the woods and soon nobody will know or care when exactly you got pregnant, before or after they kicked me out. We can be together soon.”

I take her hand hoping that it will be good enough because she misses her mother.

"I think I'll train younger kids at the center. Try to finish up the rest of the school year and be done with it. I've always been the best with aim and techniques. You remember that, I'm sure."
So Kyanite does have a plan what to do with herself. More than I do, actually, but she's nhad more time to think about possibilities.
"I remember." I smirk a little. "So does my butt." It's funny in retrospect.
"That sounds like a good idea. Lots of those younger ones can learn from you. Like Gala."
Oh dear, I've almost forgotten about the blond teen. I'm sure she's wondering what happened to us. So I make a mental note to stop by and say hello once I can stand on my own two feet again and make the way to her house.

"I'm sure there are plenty who are eager to learn. Being a trainer would bring in some money as well."
That's true. Money can be an issue, especially with her dad not bringing in any.
"Jeran will earn good money soon but it's better if you can stand on your own feet and not rely on anybody."
For a moment I think about my own income. My father offered me a job a while ago. I'm sure that still stands but do I want it? I'll have to find a way to earn with a baby on the way.
"I'm going to try to support you, too. Just have to find a way." My voice becomes low and dull because my way was going to be a peace keeper. They earn a lot of money and great benefits. Now alll that is not an option any more.

Kyanite presses her soft lips against the rough thick skin on my knuckles. It feels so nice but then she gets up leaving the bed next to me cold and empty.
"I'll be back shortly, Matthew. I'm going to head home for a few. I'll change my clothes and come back. I'll bring the pictures... I know I promised to bring them yesterday, but I just couldn't find the right moment to leave you. Not that I want to leave you now...I'll be back shortly."
I want to object because I'd much rather have her here with me than a picture but I understand her need to clean up and maybe also get some space from the miserable picture that is me at the moment.
"Really?" I sigh and try to fish for her hand but she's too far away. At least I get another kiss.
"Hurry up. I miss you already."
Oh my do I ever sound cheesy. Never thought words like that would leave my mouth.
"Be careful."

With that Kyanite is gone.
The room is suddenly quiet as her footsteps echo down the hall to the living room.
I'm left behind with an empty room and a lot of pain that is the only thing lying like a sheet on my back now that she's gone and no longer distracting me with her care and good humor.
It's almost devastating but finally I can let that brave face slip and put on the frown and pained expression I really feel like wearing.
Closing my eyes I push my face into the wrinkle pillow and try to think about anything but the throbbing coming from my back with each breath I draw.
The loneliness suddenly feels like a heavy burden. This is what she must have felt like all along. Not knowing whether they'd get to her or me and when they finally did, not knowing whether I'd come back to her. I guess I was lucky but it doesn't feel this way right now.

Once more I hear her voice in the house before my father sonor base is audible. They are talking, maybe exchanging pleasantries but most likely not.

--

For a while he's been contemplating what to do when Monday comes around and he has to go back to work. As much as he'd like to stay at home my father needs to get abck to the company even if just for half a day. So when Kyanite asks to come back he almost jumps on the offer but then he frowns.

"I appreciate our help, Kyanite, but I'm not sure if it'sa good idea."
With his back against the kitchen table he asks. "How is he? Do you think we can leave him alone for a few hours?"
It's a tough decision because there's so much at stake. Peace keepers could come around any time and then what would happen.
"Listen...if they come back you need to hide as quickly as you can. Upstairs in the bathroom is a small flap you can pull down with a ladder that will take you to the attic. Hide up there if necessary, okay? Come back after dark. Ask your brother to drive you and come to the back door."

Other men might offer her a hug or a hand shake but my father is still uncomfortable in the presence of women, old or young, so he turns to grab his hat from the coat hanger and opens the door.
"Let's go."

--

I can only sleep for maybe an hour more before I wake up from the pain in my back because I've accidentally rolled onto my back. It almost makes me jump off the bed and I'm awake much faster than I'd like with a body that feels like it#s been stomped upon and then fushed down the toilet just to be dragged around in the dirt.
My limbs are aching from the constant laying on my belly and the tension created by the whipping. Even my neck hurts as I turn it to lift my hot face.
"Dad?" I croak but after the second time give up. He doesn't hear me and Kyanite hasn't returned yet.

Slowly and painfully I push myself up until I'm on all fours and leave the bed backwards.
or some reason the past hour hasn't helped at allbut made things much worse. My arms are shaking underneath my body and my heart beat is way too fast from the strain.
I remain where I am though. I need some water because I'm so hot and sore.
And I need to get those itching bandages off my back.

Not much later I sit on top of the closed toilet and with my right hand try to fumble over my shoulder to pull on the tape up there. I know I should wait for Kyanite of my father to return but the itch is killing me. It feels like the fabric is stuck and growing into my flesh.
To touch my back is damn near impossible but to fiddle the bandage off even more so. I manage to pullone end loose but it's still stuck and I can't reach it. Rubbing my back against an edge is also not an option.
Looking around for possiblities I think about stepping into the shower but that won't help either so I sit there, desperate, sore, out of a job and most of all alone.
With my head in my hands I finally allow my feelings to get the better of me, which is unnerving at first but becomes somewhat relieving.

My thoughts wander back to Kyanite.
I don't want her to see me like this but is it how she felt? When she was alone in the hospital and didn't know whether I'd stand by her....or way back when I told her I needed space. I must have crushed her. Only now do i understand how my actions affected her. It seems like the girl finally gives me a perspective of other people. What an ass I've been and still am in so many situations.

WC: 1268! Holy shit!...that makes 1270 then.

My whole body seems to get consumed by the pain I'm in. It radiates from my back through my shoulders and chest to my hips and lower. On top of that the tension creates a headache. When I've ever been in this much pain I'm not sure. Even to get stabbed in the chest seems less agonizing or maybe I was just on good drugs then thanks to CapMed. Now I'm screwed.

The whole day I've been alternating between pacing, laying on my stomach, sitting and pacing again but nothing seems to work.
I've started scratching on the top and bottom of the bandages because they seem to be making things itchier and worse but I couldn't get any of them off.

Finally I resorted to grabbing some cool packs from the fridge and placing them on the bed before laying down on them, which seemed to help a little.

Today is one of those days when I wish my father drank more alcohol or had more medicine at home.
There's no way I'm going to make it to a pharmacy and who knows when he will return or Kyanite, if she really does. Come to think about her. She had told me she'd only take a shower and get changed but where has she been for the past hours?

There's a certain chance that the peace keepers have spotted her coming from my house and taken her in. The thought alone makes me want to throw up but I keep it together and tell myself that she's probably got a good reason why she hasn't returned. Maybe it'snot safe. Maybe there's a patrol waiting outside.

Eager to find out I poke my head out of our front door shuddering at the cold that hits my flushed face and half naked body. The temperatures must have dropped at least 15 degrees.
Nothing. No Ky, no pks.
So I pull my head back in and quickly close the door. Just when I feel the need to eat something and slowly walk to thekitchen on way too shaky legs I hear a knock.

Instantly my pulse shoots to 180 while I scan the place for weapons. I'm not going down without a fight-shoots through my head.
"Mr. Dunham... It's Kyanite."
"Fuck." I curse at myself for being so jumpy.

A moment later I lether in and enclose her in my arms even though it hurts.
"What are you doing up?"
"Waiting for you." I pull her inside out warm home and barely make it to the couch in the living room.
"I was worried about you."

I'm not sure what my father had told her or why she stayed away so long but I know that I do not want to be seperated from her any more.
"Don't go away anymore, Ky."
My mind is already working on a plan to be with her despite the situation.

Then I notice the small paper in her hand. "Is that IT?" My eyes widen.

Mindful of my back I make sure not to lean against the couch but simply sit while Kyanite complains that my father hasn’t told me she’d be back after dark.

“He was gone when I woke up.” I explain in a low tone. “He’s got to work.”

Jeran’s still standing near the door. For some reason his presence makes me a little uneasy because today we stand on two opposite sides of the law when only days ago we were a team. He’s still a peace keeper whereas I have become a law breaker and got the punishment for it. Silently I wonder what he’s thinking of me now. It’s not like he’s always obeyed every order like the one time when got caught getting busy with our co-cadet Vy.

I let my eyes flicker to the piece of paper in Kyanites hand but want to save my first look at my baby for a private moment so I listen to him explaining why he brought her here and that he seems to think he’s a better protection for her than I am.
My brows furrowed I want to spell it out for him: I am in this shape because I was protecting her. But I keep quiet. I should be thankful for his worries and care for her.

"Thank you for bringing me over, Jeran. I might stay a day or two... I'll come get clothes if I have to..."
As dangerous as it may be I like the fact she wants to stay. But it’s not a good idea to remain in my dads home.

"Take care of her, Matthew."
He cares so much about her. In all the good ways. Something that I’ve definetly screwed up with my sister. He knows when to let her make her own decisions and give her space to be with me. I never could do that. As a brother I sucked. Maybe I can be a better boyfriend.
“I will.” I promise him and place my hand on hers.

Then Jeran leaves and the house becomes quiet.

I’m eager to have a look at that picture now and follow the lines she traces on the paper with her finger.
"They said that is where the head is... "
It’s hard to see what she’s indicating and even harder to imagine that this is actually the image of a human being. So small and undefined, yet alive.
A smile creeps up on my tired weary features and I retrace the head and back.
“Wow. Incredible. Just think. We made love and this little person came out of it.”
I’m udderly overwhelmed by the thought but can’t wrap my mind around what this might mean for our future lifes. It feels like a sudden outburst of insecurity and joy all over again and tells me that I’ve made the right decision.
“It was worth this.” I'm referring to the wounds on my back, the pain and fear.

"You doing alright?"
Only when she brings it up I notice that I was getting choked up and red in the face, so I smile at her and run my fingers through her hair on my lap.
“Yeah, now I am. Thanks for showing me this.”

I shift a little under her because it’s hard to sit up straight without leaning back since it makes the skin on my back feel tighter.
Usually I’m not one to groan and moan all day but today is different. This is pretty hard to cope with so I admit.
“It really hurts. Those bandages are killing me. They’re stuck and itching. Can you peel them off, please. I tried to but I can’t get them off myself.”

I wait for her to get up from my lap and then turn around for her to help me.
Mentally I brace myself for the pain getting worse but it takes a while until I feel her fingers touch my skin ever so gently so I ask the other thing that needs to be discussed.
“Ky, I don’t feel it’s safe for you to come here, your brother and my father are right. What if they see you here with me?”

I swallow and hold my breath when I feel her touch.
But to distract myself I look at that picture she left on the coffee table and continue.
“I’m thinking I’ll go to my grandfathers house tomorrow. Nobody knows it even exists because it’s behind that big old hedge. Come there with me.”

As long as her fingers are working to peel off those strips of fabric from my back I focus on nothing but that picture in black and white trying to see what the outlines might be and her voice. It's sweet and soothing but even though she's being very careful the process is a nightmare. Each time she stops I dare to breathe but then hold it again when she keeps going.

I know my words must be hard for her. Like a bad memory she has to relive. Hide again. Away fromthe public eye. This time not because of me but because of her safety.
Not much later she actually admits it.
"How long will we have to stay in hiding, you think? I mean... like before, I don't care that people know, but to only be with you in secret... once again hiding in the shadows..."
"It's notgoing to be like that. Only until things blow over and I'm free of the eyes of the academy."

I can hear her sigh.
"It's for your safety, Ky."

Then she walks away leaving me a moment to catch my breath and deal with the pain but her words keep me on edge, too. Will all this be too much for her? Will she at some point decide to split from me to avoid trouble?

I hear her rummage around and run my finger over the picture in my hand. "Hey." I smile at my baby bean.

Then she'sback asking me to lay down so I do but I tease her a bit.
"Is this going to be payback time now?"
I turn my head to see her distressed expression.
"Just kidding."

Fora moment I just stand there and then take her into my arms to hold her. Obviously this whole thing had taken a huge toll on her and she was afraid it wasn't over yet, which was a possibility.
"It's going to be okay. Just a little while and then we'll be together-in public. Nobdy will be able to tell when we actually got together or you got pregnant." I whisper in her hair.

Then I lay down on my front like she asked me to and patiently endure the application of the cream but ask her not to put any dressing on any more.
"It'll just get stuck again. I'll leave my shirt off and stay on my front."

Once she's done I take her hand again to assure her.
"It's better to see me in the old house than not at all, right? Plusonce I get on my feet again I need a project since I'm unemployed now."
I smile at her and kiss her hand. "Might be time for me to move out soon. I can't be a dad under my own dad's roof."