ashes to ashes {tate one!shot}

I've made everyone breakfast before the sun's up. There's something restless in me tonight, a kind of stirring that's left me helpless to waves of anxiety. Desperately trying to keep myself busy, I wind my hands around the wrought iron handle, preparing Teddy's breakfast with extra cranberries because I've heard they're good for your heart. I can still smell blood and smoke and I can feel the flames that licked me when he'd attacked. I've almost died three times this week. There's a burn that encompasses the whole of my back, the skin is red and raw. It was superficial, I could barely feel it now as it had a night to heal, but it's a constant reminder of my very being crumbling and the fact I cannot stop it. I couldn't keep doing this and yet I had no choice. It'll be the same when I leave this morning, a note left upon Teva's chair and steaming breakfast upon the table.

Had to go in early, take care of yourself and the others, eat well. I love you.

Tate

And maybe they didn't need me to take care of them. but it was nice to feel human when everything I did was monstrous. It's all for them, for my family, but the ends will never justify the means. I can't tell them either because they won't look at me the same. I'm not gonna be that kid who cries too much and who nags at them but most definitely loves them too. I won't just be a gang leader who has to do what he has to do because it's more than disgusting. I've done enough to hate myself and I don't think the others will spare me either. They're all I have and I won't fucking lose them. 

A scarf is tied around my throat when I slip out of the house, closing the front door gently as the sun fully exposes itself over the horizon. It's beautiful and I smile beneath the suffocating fabric, corners of my eyes wrinkling in the way they so often do. I like to appreciate the beauty in life. 'Cause I'm freezing cold but the sun bathes my face. I should be warm but everything about me is cold. It's been this way for a while now. 

The warehouse is quiet when I enter, stocks hidden in large crates and scorch marks still kissing the ground. The sight makes my back ache. I'm on my knees, scrubbing away the memories by the time others start to arrive. When Teva and Tripp make their appearance a smile is planted on my lips and all that's left of my wrong doings is a sooty rag hidden beneath papers in the bin. 

We go about our day like we should. We do what we have to. Robots on autopilot-

until someone shoves a screwdriver into my wiring. 

He runs up to us, terrified. The grunt shakes and sweats and opens his mouth but at first nothing comes out. It's like he's run a mile, salty water falling upon the fresh-cleaned ground. "Shit you guys... they took the kid!" he's frantic and terrified but I can't hear anything over the sound of my world shattering.

They.

Took.

The.

Kid.

Teddy. 

They took Teddy. 

It doesn't matter who they were because he was gone. I didn't care who they were because all I can see is red. "And tell me, you grade A piece of shit, what was he doing with you." I've never heard my voice so deathly calms when there's a storm inside of me. A whirlwind of rage and fear and anger and everything I don't want to show but escapes in every single shaking breath. My fists are clenched so tightly my nails have broken skin, blood snaking its way down my finger tips and onto the floor but I don't stop digging my nails deeper into the wounds. It's the pain that keeps me grounded. 

The coward runs and Teva yells but I don't say anything to him. I look at Teva and I want to hit him. I've never wanted to hit my family before, I promised myself I never would. But it's all I can do to stop myself from slamming my fist into his jaw. It was his fault. All his fault. All our fault for the stupid life we fucking live. Teddy is gonna die because of us. Because of me. The more information I got from that fucker the angrier I become. I hadn't wanted him to have a knife. I didn't want him in this life because I knew this would happen. They would kill him, he was gone, they'd destroy him, they would kill him, he was gone... 

We scream at each other. Teva and I fight for the first time in what seems like forever. I blame him and I blame me. I can't remember half the words I say but they're like fire off my tongue. He doesn't understand. He doesn't fucking get anything that I have to do and that I'm still protecting him even though we've already thrown our lives away for this motherfucking gang. Tears burn their way down my cheeks, they're angry containing a storm I've yet to free. They feel like ice against my skin and every old wound I've received aches. Every goddamned burn, every punch and cut and slice and gash I've taken to keep all of us safe. I made myself into a monster so that they wouldn't fuck with us Teva, he didn't need the knife when he had me. I want to scream, I want make him watch that time I branded a fourteen year old kid just because his father owed us. I wanted him to see the fear in their eyes and the apathy in mind and I wanted him to see when they got free and they held a knife to my throat and I wanted him to see all the times I could have died for him. We scream for hours. We scream until my throat is raw too and I can taste blood running down my throat as well as my palms. I know what I have to do. 

My voice turns cold for a second. I know what I've got to do.

He tells me things that I do not hear. 

I know what I've got to do. 

I know what I've got to do.

I know. 

I know. 

Angry words are spit at my brother once more before I turn my back and I run away.

--

The bridge is where I think. I run here because no one else knows about the abandoned grotto, hidden behind the trees. No one cares for it, but it given its shelter to critters and runaways alike. It's almost poetic. There's a gun burning a hole in my pocket and there's a river below me. At least a hundred feet below me. My feet swing carelessly over the edge and for a second I realize how easy it'd be to fall. No one cares about a guard in a world where death is celebrated. I've seen my mother shot in front of my eyes and I'm sure as hell not gonna watch my brother bleed out too. My baby brother. The one I tried so hard to protect. There was no safety on the bridge, like there was my gun. 

But there wasn't even a Safety on that anymore. 

The world is such a dangerous place. Accidents happen. 

Yeah. They happen a lot. 

One could happen right now if I wasn't careful. 

I can't see through my tears and the world is dark around me anyways. I've sat here for hours now, hours spent thinking about just how dangerous the world was. Hours spent thinking about how easily accidents happened. I'm so tired. The tears have taken so much. They always do. It's as though a part of me drains with every crystal falling off the bridge of my nose and into the rapids below me. The bridge is the only place I can really think, but some times I wonder what it would be like to stop. 

I'm shaking, I'm tired, I don't want to see my brothers die.

I don't want to see anyone die anymore. 

What would it be like to stop? 

Accidents happen. 

"It's passed curfew and I'm pretty fucking sure this isn't your land." The peacekeeper expects me to cower underneath their words. It's like a slap to the face, my head turning in their direction in an instant. I'm reminded that the world hasn't stopped.  I know what I have to do.

Laughs bubble from my chest like a mad man, I throw my head back and I laugh because everything hurts. It's be so easy. Accidentally pull up my shirt, accidentally reveal the heavy black weapon digging into my skin. Even the metal is warm in comparison to the ice overwhelming me. It's worse than numbness, it's frostbite and my body threatens to snap in half any second. "Yeah?" I stand, nails once again raking against my palm, sending fresh blood to pool in the bends of my fingers. 

"Yeah." they retort

My hand shakes for a second. It hovers above my side. 

I need to protect Teddy.

Accidents happen. 

Worst case scenario she kills me right here.

I'm starting to wonder if that's such a bad thing.

It hovers for a long time and we stare at each other. 

The tears won't stop.

I know what I need to do.

I need to make it all stop.

It'd be so easy. 

I grab the hem of my shirt and suddenly it feels like it weighs a thousand pounds. 

It'd be so easy.

"I'm sorry then, I'll be going." 

And I run.