thornes ✞ säffle

s ä f f l e.

Life's a deck of cards and I was handed three jesters.

First, a boy who cared too much. Idiot giving sword in hand for a man, a woman, two girls, a crown and a kingdom. I wasn't invited to his funeral, by both his brothers and I. None of the three of us wanted me there, I've seen one too many funerals in seventeen years. Never did I second guess myself when I saw his chubby face following me around for days, I loved him. I'm sure I did, and I smirked when I saw him that last full day because for a moment I thought he loved me too, and those fable tale endings Elverum drew on the side of his bedroom walls were true.

That loves saves all, and by the light of that last cigarette and the smoke on my teeth, I believed he was mine. He never was, truly. 

My love's lover made it home, while he sat in the side of a building, blood spattered like he drew his finale himself, and I smashed one of the remaining windows of that factory that day with my own fist. I tore nails from the floorboards and fingerprints into the walls. He never loved me, and for one moment I was weak, and for the rest of eternity so would he. 

✞

Secondly, a boy who cared none at all. Genius, but so fucking stupid at the same time. I cared for him like another brother, as he coughed up blood and I cleaned it up before Elverum saw anything. My brother hated him, the nicotine heart of him, but what is a jester if not ignorant? Cancer already chewed on his bones before I met him, and I was stupid to think that he was okay this entire time. That'd somehow he'd be okay living with us out of hospital.

It was only a matter of time until the spades got him, less than a month after Owen came and left and took my heart with him, he was empty on that moth-ridden couch right under the hole in the wall. A spider crawled out of his mouth as I bit my finger, a lump in my throat; he was always an ace at that, testing how far he could push me until I stopped. Hated him for it as, loathing burning in my veins as I dug a hole in our backyard for him.

I never let Elverum know, as the grass grew back over and a newly found spruce etched its veins into the very blood of the earth. "Axton left, back to the hospital," "but, that doesn't make an-"

"Stop asking questions, Elverum."

Maybe I should've told him the truth, always babied him too much. I always tried to keep him happier than me, but he never shut up, never stopped asking questions. Elverum wasn't smart enough to understand the politics of life, how could he? Somewhere along the way of keeping him happy, I guess I forgot to love him like I always meant to, but he had to know, somewhere deep down in that thick skull of his he had to get it. I buried three bodies for him, just to keep him here, with me, but I don't think he got it. 

I never stopped loving my third jester, because I had to, and because I wanted to.

✞

When my brother first stepped on that stage without a word, I understood the one thing I thought about him my entire life -- idiot. I thought I was finally done playing with fools, finally done playing with fires and funerals and caskets and cataracts. Just one more cigarette and I'd be done, no more smoke and mirrors. I couldn't believe my pretty blue eyes the second I fucking saw him up there, not even a full year older than me and yet he managed to ruin all seventeen years I built up for us.

He threw it away, as I muttered "I love you," and he muttered "I volunteer."

I'll never see my brother again.

My heart wasn't heavy as I entered that house again, there was nothing left to weigh. Elverum took the weight with him, (how do I breath again?) I take up that cigarette one last time, and I pray for the day I'm no longer scared.