used {theodore oneshot}

"I'm okay." The words burn my lips. Blatant lies curling like steam off of my tongue but not one person cares. Because this is what they want to hear and I will happily oblige. "I'm okay, I promise." (leave me alone leave me alone leave me alone) (but don't go) In the end I'm alone. Always alone. My promises mean nothing anymore. Everything I say is a lie. All I do is lie. Every laugh. Every smile. Every breath. Lies. Mom turns around and she's smiling like she always knew her baby boy was just fine and that Dad was overreacting. Because I promised after all.

I hang my head low and crawl up the stairs, pulled by my veins into a room and under the floorboards. I haven't got any good stuff. Jordan hasn't been by and I've got to pay him for it anyway. I can't wait that long. My nerves stand on edge, heart pounding again and again and again. The rythm irritates me. I want to run or punch something or scream. I'm twisting into knots and I can't stop a damn thing. And I need to stop it. By any means. I haven't a choice in the matter.

I've seen the others like this. They call it rock bottom. Spent all they made that week and no dealer is willing to take another iou so they have to wait 'til the next paycheck but withdrawals are already setting in before that sentence even leaves their lips. Some sit hunched, knees to their chest and rocking back and forth and back and forth. Some look like children, punching and kicking the walls. They flail their limbs as though that's going to change a damn thing. They're springs, ready to go off but held. A bottle of champagne opened half-way. Destructive energy trapped within eternal still. More often than not, they end up hurting themselves. The closest feeling to a high they can get is the adrenaline off a razor and some skin.

(Jordan won't let me near those guys 'cause they could hurt me.)

That's why I keep the pills under the floorboards. They're from a time dad hurt his back at work and some doctor prescribed them but he was too proud a man to even admit he was in pain so they sat on the kitchen counter until mom asked me to throw them out. They ended up here instead. It's not as strong as what I can put into my veins. Second class, really, but it will keep me from snapping in half. Like twigs beneath feet. Dry and used.

Mom was scared of Dad taking these. Told him never to take more than one at a time because there was a chance it'd fuck up his brain and he'd end up in a coma... or something. (There isn't much that my mother doesn't fear).  I haven't been scared for a long time. I throw back as many as I can fit in my mouth, chucking the half empty bottle back in place and covering it up with the bright purple rug Nik got me last birthday. Maybe it would have been a sweet memory had he not bought it for this exact reason. 

I stand and I pace. It's why I can't stand the pills. It takes too long for them to find their way into my blood and cloud my brain. For the euphoria and relief so strong it leaves my limbs shaking and my knees against the wood to hit. And even then it's not half as strong as the shit I can get. Like a starving man eating a cracker to sate the hunger. Temporary and now the beast will only grow larger with time. 

It's a game, really. How high can I get before I'm convulsing on the floor and choking on my own vomit? (Pretty damn high)

I'm flying when he arrives. A peaceful moment midst the usual chaos. Thick smoke surrounds my brain, lifting my body high of the ground so that I don't feel the hard wooden slats beneath my frame. My hand rests on my stomach, the gentle rise and fall of my lungs keeping time with its up and down motion. The bitter taste of dissolved pills lingers in my throat but I'm too high to care. Too high to notice him lay down next to me and pull me into his chest. I'm just there. 

I want to gag. My body is rigid against the nineteen year old's but he doesn't seem to care, simply pulling his fingers through my hair. He smells like smoke and dirt and something sour. Fear. But it's not his own. I don't think that Jordan fears anything. I'm scared. He's going to want to know where I got the pills because I know that he's the only one allowed to give me anything. How else is he going to keep tabs on me?It's my fault. All my fault. And by default, I deserve whatever he does.

I'm shaking and it only makes him pull me closer. The walls are closing in and they're crushing me and-

"Baby I thought you knew the rules." I physically flinch at the cold tones breaking through synthetic paradise. His lips are on my ear and I can see his teeth bared without even looking. 

"It was just some pills..." I murmur, playing on his affection and wrapping my fists within his shirt. Because all I want to do is survive and I don't know if Jordan is too keen on letting me. 

"'just some pills." He mocks, shoving me away from him and forcing me to stand, keeping me suspended by only a few strands of hair. I bite my cheek and swallow the scream that sharp pains wish to send bursting from my throat. Mom is downstairs and this is too much to explain and it's my fault anyway. He might hurt her too. And that'd be my fault. If I just didn't make him mad this'd never happen.

My head is tilted upwards and my eyes can't focus but I can see the brown eyes tinged red and the smirk upon his lips as he drops me. Or maybe the ground moves up to meet me. It's all a blur of motion and pain and my hand is in my mouth to keep from screaming this time. I bite down on the knuckle hard. I can't tell if I broke the skin there of it's from some other part of my body trickling into a gaping mouth. "Just." his foot meets my stomach and I curl in on myself, the shooting aches radiating throughout my body. An earthquake whose epicenter still throbs by the time his foot finds the same place. "'Some. Pills. Just some pills Jordan. ' Are you that fucking stupid Theo?! God, you're lucky I put up with you. No one else would you fucking know that?!" 

"...yes." I manage between gasps "i'm sorry Jordan. I'm so, stupid I should have known. I'm sorry." 

And then he picks me up, real gentle. "See what you make me do, Theodore?" he kisses my bleeding lip again and again, rocking me gently. He smells sour and bitter and I want to push him away but he's too strong and I hurt too much. I'm trapped within his cage. "I don't want to hurt you. You know how much I love you but you can't be so fucking stupid all of the time! I wouldn't have to punish you if you weren't so fucking stupid babe." 

"I know."

"Are you okay?"

"I'm okay."

Lies curl off my tongue like steam.

leave me to dream}
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