thought you said you'd return (oneshot)

*Maybe one day I'll understand why, everything I touch surely dies*

I never thought I'd lose him like this, never thought that the next time I saw him it would be inside a wooden box. He lied to me, told me he'd come home, he should have won, he should have been the one to kill all those bastards who targeted him and made them pay. But really, who am I to call him a liar, it's like the pot calling the kettle black. I've lied to him so many times I cannot even count and finally, my web of lies caught up to me and I lost the person who was the most important to me. Staring at the grave now, I cannot help but feel like I will break. For all the shit I have endured, it is his death that breaks me, how Ironic, the killer broken by a death.

If I could go back in time, prevent my web of lies from falling apart, from making me hurt him as I did, I would but I cannot. I cannot change what I have done and now,it is too late to appologize to him, to tell him how so sorry I am, how sorry I am for what I did and to beg his forgiveness. My knees buckle, my tiny legs unable to support me further and I find myself kneeling beside his grave, my eyes watering. I don't normally cry, in fact he was the only one to ever see me cry. He saw a side of me that I have never let anyone else see, the side of me that is vulnerable and aftaid and upset at what I've done. The training clothes from the academy allow me full movement as I fully sit and bury my head in my hands, not caring who comes.

"Mason, I'm-I'm so sorry. It took you being ripped away from my life for me to really realize what I had, what could have been. I can never ask you to forgive me for this but I wanted to tell you I was sorry and make it right but I can't because you're dead and I'm-I'm...." I trail off, the tears coming fast. "I'm sorry Mason. I'll never stop being sorry." I wail, my tears dripping onto the grass.

They say when your heart breaks, it feels as if someone is tearing your heart apart and to be honest, it's true. I'm lucky I have peace keeper training to keep me occupied otherwise I don't think I would be able to handle it. I shouldn't be feeling this, it's my fault he's gone and it's my fault he felt so pushed to go into the games isn't it. He wanted me to realize what kind of monster I am, remind me that even though I may be becoming a peace keeper, I cannot outrun my past, I cannot undo what I have done simply by chopping off my hair and changing my name. Why did circumstances and fate decide to be so cruel to me.

Thud

My heart beats in my ears, the rythm of it doing nothing to calm my tears, it simply reminds me that I am alive, that I am breathing but I shouldn't be, it should have been me that went into the games, me who died in Masons place but that would have been impossible. He still would have gone in, would have died and I would have had to watch as the person who helped get rid of my demons bled out on the snow. /you deserve it/ my mind tells me, /deserve to suffer for what you've done/ but what if the consequences are something I cannot bear?