SEVERA ROXEN, PEACEKEEPER

SEVERA ROXEN, PEACEKEEPER Apr 18, 2015 18:28:31 GMT -5

Post by d4 tati pelotte [azalea] on Apr 18, 2015 18:28:31 GMT -5

S E V E R A

xxxxxxxx

I could never distinguish between when one day stopped and another begun. As a child, I was able to rest my head on a soft, comforting pillow at night and wake up as the sun's rays shone through my thin window - but now, the days drag and my eyes force themselves open when the darkness sinks slowly into the daylight.

Perhaps I'll never know why I've found it hard to sleep for all these months. Maybe it's the pain and pressure I felt during my endless hours of training. The words from those already successful being driven like a metal screw into my skull; these messages of thoroughness and control, order and authority. The words just float whimsically around my brain nowadays. It's probably because I've lost care in feeling their meaning and having to think about them. They are words which have become a second nature to my personality.

I enlisted when I was young. I'd always had my sights set on becoming one of the important people with those striking white outfits which never seemed to get dirty. The lifestyle and the idea that someone could look up to me seemed fantastical, something that would only happen in a dream.

But the dream came true, and after the hard, vigorous hours of training, I realised it had all paid off. The day the same white suit I'd seen the law enforcers wear for years arrived at my door, I felt an immense sense of pride. Pride and achievement. I'd conquered what I once thought was the impossible. The journey to the elation may have been brutal, but reaching the other side of the mountain made me feel as if I could carry the world on my shoulders.

And it was the first time I wore that white suit that I remembered who I was. The picture perfect girl who took life by the throat. The long, clean and flowing blonde hair I once possessed had been replaced by a coarse mop of sandy locks. My once round face has slimmed - dark shadows cast on my cheeks and underneath my eyes. And, oh my eyes - they looked like they had endured the pain of a thousand swords.

But my body has changed in a way for the better. My once thin and fragile arms had transformed into ones with visible muscle. In fact, I'd become more athletic and less delicate all over. I was still of average height, but other than that, it felt like everything was the same but different. Parallel.

It was in the minutes that I looked at myself for the first time in months that I asked myself, 'is this what I wanted?'.

The question was useless and rhetorical. It was too late to turn this ship back around and blend in with the normal residents of Six. I had pledged myself to be stronger for the benefit of the people - of the Capitol. I would stand by my words no matter what the world threw at me. I had grown from being a confused little girl to blossoming into a woman capable of carrying out some of the most lethal of assaults and attacks.

That's what people see on the outside, at least. Behind the thick layers the Capitol secures me with, I'm similar to everyone else. Although, there is one thing that puts a distance between I, and the rest. I knew I'd lost all sense of emotion when I realised I'd have to watch families be torn apart, people murdered before the citizens of their home, children punished for trying to survive.

The sickening thought is: I got used to it. And it's that thought that has transformed me from china to iron. Slowly, I pushed all emotion aside. My face became frozen with a blank expression - no movement of my eyebrows, no smiles, no tears. Now, when I see what I see and do what I do, I remain a blank canvas that has been deprived from an artist. I'm glad it's become this way.

Because now I can experience my work with ease. I can be around the stone-cold men who shoot people happily and not question my being. It's like a piece of stone has been carved with a place for me, a place which fits me like a glove. Warm and cosy, much like a home - a family.

I've been provided with a place of security where I feel accepted and can voice my opinions freely without living in fear of judgement. I never thought that leaving the people who I'd been closest to for years, people who had my blood - would open me up to a wider family. With friendship and conversation, hunger and dominance.

And I'm thankful for my new found selfishness. Although I'm surrounded by people who I feel comfortable with - I still want it all for me. I want the recognition and the respect, I want the honour and the glory. The thirst that curves around my insides, pulling strings on my organs is painful, it's hurting. I wonder if the selfishness has come from the training and having to prove your worth, but I'm often left baffled by the inquiry.

Without my new self, I'd be nothing.

Lost.

It' makes me begin to wonder whether I was alive before it all. The essence of my being feels so strong, my soul pumps through my veins with every breath now - but then, it was peaceful. The shaking of my fingers and the long, deep breaths are what I know

That part of me slowly withers away with each day. Her blood drips from her metaphoric wounds so easily. She's surrounded by a sea of crimson red and she's stranded.

That's how I know I've changed.

I would put up a fight.