We're Both a Little Broken(Ani)
May 7, 2015 14:36:52 GMT -5
Post by goddessashara on May 7, 2015 14:36:52 GMT -5
Mercedes Fontaine
In and out, in and out they were just simple instructions and yet I felt the need to repeat them over and over again as a panic attack surges through my body, tightening my chest and leaving me beyond breathless. I couldn't move, I couldn't breath...I knew that I was going to back out soon, and this had all be triggered by a fire alarm going off in the factory that I worked in. So many bad memories, so many images that would haunt me until the end of my days, I couldn't escape them anymore than I could escape myself.
That's why I found myself in an alleyway, tears falling freely down my cheeks as I tried to get a grip on reality. Part of me wished I was dead so this torment would be over, but I knew better than that, I knew that it wouldn't go anywhere even if I was. Besides, the whole reason behind me living is to try and live up to the legacy of my sister. She had been so young, but she was beyond talented, far smarter than I ever would be. That again was enough to make me cry, knowing that I would be in her shadow forever. My parents knew it, and I knew it...I was just a hopeless excuse for a person.
Fear, regret, doubt...it all led to one conclusion, I was the most miserable person that ever existed in Panem. Who could possibly have a life worse than mine, who the hell could match this despair. I knew it was wrong to compare my pain to others, and yet there was a certain amount of relief in pitying myself. It was when I actually said it to people that things started to go south. I knew this would pass too, the shaking and crying, it always did, I was left just a little bit more broken than I was before. People didn't seem to realize how it could hurt, how much it could hurt.
Curling up into a smaller ball I shut down my mind and closed my eyes. This was the only way for it to end, for me to try and numb it all away. Why did people have to think that I was doing so much better than I was? My fake smile...wait though...I was thinking again, this was exactly what I didn't want to do. Search through the shadows of my mind letting each new thought destroy my mind, no...I wouldn't do it, I would stay quite now.