hickory dickory dock {tobias and mordecai}

M  O  R  D  E  C  A  I

"I could help you a lot easier if you'd takeoff that coat a' yers," says curly woman with big eyes and small hands that do not hurt me when they touch me but i do not trust her because what if she wants to hurt me but it is a secret so I tighten my hands on my warm place and i do not let her touch. She smells like sweat and piss but i do not wrinkle my nose because we are smelling the same right now also she gave me a warm drink that was inside of a cup and it made my inside parts burn but in a way that didn't hurt and it stopped the shivers.

Curly woman had put her fingers on my face when all the twinkly ones were way up in the sky and she'd straightened it back into place and I hadn't made a sound so she asked me if it hurt but I didn't make a sound. (I'm not allowed to make sounds so I don't do it and she would be good to not make sounds too because otherwise the devils will get angry and they will give us both a beating.) But then I remembered that the devils were hiding down in the hidey hole and for the moment I was free so I opened my mouth and I made a small little sound split between a shout and a whisper and I think I scared curly woman because she dropped her hands away.

That's when she gave me the warm cup and told me to eat it but I didn't want to eat it because I was scared that it would be full of weird things like the devils sometimes do with my food but then it was warm and good in the empty of my stomach and tears fell down my face because I was so happy to have it.

Curly woman put a wet soft sweet thing on the cracky dry red bits of me on my face from the cut and the mouth bleeding and she wiped it off of me and it made me happy because the smell was making me afraid. Then Tobias came out of the bins of trash lining the alley.

He is small and soft and grey and sweet with little white whiskers and eyes like black and I brush my fingers over his fine silk and I tell him with no words that I love him but I am afraid because sometimes they do not give me food and I have to get food myself and I do not want to eat Tobias this time because now we are both free.

I stick him in the pocket of my warmth and curly woman does not look happy about it. "That's dirty, love, you shouldn't keep him there," says my curly lady but I don't answer her because tobias is mine and we are best friends and no one can be dirtier than me i am the king of dirt it layers me in layers and layers and it keeps me warm at night because the devils don't give me blankets and I lost one of my toes on account of it falling off when the frost came along so I smile at her instead, showing off my missing teeth except the other one is in the back so only I know it's missing.

Curly woman likes my smile she says but I don't know about that I only know that it's good to bare your teeth to show that you are week like showing your belly and lying still so that they won't hurt you.

The Devils said they were going to find me again and they were going to hurt me again and I am afraid and when I think about them finding me I pee myself and it's nice and warm on my legs but now my pants are wet and it will be cold later but for now it is warm which is good because curly woman's hot hot hot flamey fire went away which I stayed far from anyway because fire is never good the Devils always use it to hurt me like when they stub their smoking sticks against my skin or use the metal stick to sizzle my flesh.

All night I watch the twinkly lights up in the sky because I am too afraid to shut my eyes because if I do that and the twinkly lights are gone because I'm back down underground in the hidey-hole then I will be sad so I watch and watch them but panic sets in when the lights begin to fade but then I realize that it's because the sky is going light and I have to shut my eyes because the faint light already burns them after too long underground. It only gets a little light because the sky is grey.

Tobias wriggles in the pocket of my warmth and I stick my finger in to give him a pet but he bites my finger and so I take him out and cup him in my hands. He wiggles in them but I search the ground and give him a piece of something rotten to eat and he takes it in his tiny pink paws and eats it.

I love him.

Tobias.

A swell of something good rises in me at the thought of his name and I let out a quiet hum of happiness. I'm glad I have Tobias in my head and in my hands because thinking of him helps me when the hurt is too bad, when I want to shut my eyes for forever and stop breathing because I'm so tired. If I didn't have Tobias to think about I'd be dead like the others.

I furrow my brow as I think about what the Devils told me about hide and seek.

Tobias has to find me or I have to find him but I don't know where I am. It's bright up here and there are no ceilings and I need to scratch another tick into the rock to show a day passing.

Curly woman wakes up and she makes the flames come back so I shift away because I'm not strapped down and if she tries to press a stick to my skin then I can run first. She just takes two little ovals from her bag and smashes them on a flat rock which is in the flamey heat and I'm sad that she ruined the ovals because they were lovely and clean but then it smells good and she hands me a circle with the broken oval on it all hot and warm and lovely and mushy and she motions for me to put it in my mouth and I do and it is warm and good and it fits good inside my empty stomach.

When we are done she steps all over the flames and they go out and then she tells me to follow so I follow her down a side street and people are walking around in droves bu I am afraid so I stay in the shadows and they don't look at me and curly woman and they act like we do not exist and I am happy.

We are in another little street and there are bags of garbage and I find a bit of food and I take Tobias out again and crouch against the wall and watch him eat. He is cute and small and sweet and only little so I protect him from cold by cupping him in my hands.

I love him.

Suddenly there is a whole other people in front of me, crouching down which is good because then he is less ferocious but he is too close and curly stiffens for a small moment beside e but then relaxes which means I can relax too and he speaks a bunch of words at me, hopeful and jumbled and questioning

When I raise my eyes it is my Tobias crouched in front of me and I know it's him because his eyes are Tobias' and his hair is the right colour and his mouth still curves the same and he is my brother

he is my brother, he is my brother.

I shiver and shake and I stare at him, absolute joy turning the corners of my lips upwards like a backwards sunrise and I stare at him and he is my Tobi. I would know him anywhere even if I was blind and deaf and numb I would know him because he is my baby brother and he is safe and healthy and alive and I told him it would be okay and it's okay now because he is here and he came to get me like I knew he would.

I knew he would save me

they Devils said he stopped caring but they were wrong because Tobi and I are a different sort of brothers and we would go into hell for each other and I did but now I'm back and Tobi found me just like I knew he would.

Waves of affection and love crawl off of my body in droves and my smile widens showing off yellowed, rotting teeth but it is my baby brother and he has come for me and the Devils will never touch him.

I cup Tobias tighter in my hands and he wiggles and bites me and I let him because I have Tobias back now and I open my mouth to speak but I am uncertain on how to because I know that words exist but it's like my tongue is dead in my mouth so I simply nod, eyes unable to be taken off of my baby brother and I want to yell at him, tell him I love him, tell him I'll take him to whoever he wants to see, as long as he promises to let me go too.

I don't know anyone named Mordecai but I nod anyway.

"Tobias," I croak out, my voice barely louder than a tiny little frog.

"Sorry luv," says curly, "I found 'im last night, seems that he's simple. I doubt you'll get much outta him."

I ignore her and tell Tobias how much I love him, how glad I am to see him, how much I missed him with my eyes.

M  O  R  D  E  C  A  I

My heart goes 'thump thump thump' in the inside of me and I can feel myself splitting in two, like a gift horse, you shouldn't look me in the mouth. I had forgotten for a very long time what he looked like, all I remembered was dark hair and eyes, a smile better than anything. I knew an eagerness inside of me to please him, to make him happy. I wanted to make him proud, my brother, my baby brother.

Whom I love, with everything that they left for me to keep.

He sees me here beneath the muchness of my hair and the dirt on my skin, he knows me like I know him because we will always know each other, even if we took a different form, we would always know. This is my baby brother Tobias, the boy who I never gave up on even though everything else has faded into nothing. Nothing else needs to exist as long as I have him, safe. My eyes search his face, looking for signs of pain and I see it there, in his eyes, not like mine. Mine is feral, animal. His pain is deep, dark, sad.

I frown slightly and tuck little Tobias into my pocket, he's wiggling too much and now is not the time for him to take my attention. The reason I was in where the Devils are is because I was protecting him, I was keeping my Tobias safe, sound. I stopped them from getting him they beat me for that, always said they wished they had the pair of us but I'd kept them from him and that was my shining moment, I was a victor. In my heart, I was.

But maybe I wasn't. He is an angry fire. He does shouting at curly woman and I shrink a bit on my insides. I don't like shouting. It's always followed by a lot of hurt. My Tobias would never hurt me, not ever. I relax, letting myself fall backwards against the wall, my heels roll me back and it's because of the force of him too, Tobias. He lunges for me and like always, I am ready to wrap him in my arms.

My shoulders hit the wall with a dull thud but this is a good hurt, a loud and happy one. I slight grunt of pain comes out of me like wind leaving a sail. I know that in the deep, dark, dark, deep I never in a hundred thousand years thought that I would ever be able to do this again. No matter how hard I fought to survive, half of my begged for death to take me soon. She never did, I was left to rot.

I'm glad, I'm glad, I'm glad.

My hand rubs his back, circling around and around like I always used to do when a smaller Tobias would come tumbling into my arms crying because someone had been mean or he'd gotten hurt. The soothing, nice sounds that I used to know leave my lips without my thought to command it. I coo, soft, short and little sounds that are mean to make him feel better. He cries in my arms and tells Curly that I am Mordecai.

The name is unfamiliar and heavy on my tongue. I cannot speak it.

I do not try.

Tobias is clean and smells fresh like the salt that sometimes drops from the ceiling of my cage onto my floors but he smells like scrubbing too. I like the way my brother smells. An image of tiny little rocks all small and scrunched up on the floor flashes in my head with something like a glass of water but a lot huger washing all over it. The image fills me with longing so bad that I moan in pain.

The Ocean.

I used to go there with Tobias, when we were younger, before the Devils came. I wonder if we will go again.

But the Devils will come back for me. They told me. They said it's a game. I won't let them touch Tobias. Never. My hand rubs over his back, crooked fingers slightly uncertain. It's been a very very very long time since anyone ever touched me in a nice way. I'd nearly forgotten what it was like. I like the heat of his breath on my neck and the wet of his crying when it hits my skin. I shut my eyes and sigh against his shoulder.

It feels like I am home here.

Tobias sounds like a broken thing, wild and sadder than anything that I've ever seen him be but this shouldn't be, he's found me, we are together. I can rest now, the long struggle is over. We are together. Nothing else matters.

Tiny Tobias wiggles frantically in my pocket, but I only have thought for big, present, right here Tobias.

Curly stands staring at us in a weird sort of happy looking way. She's crying too, I wonder if it's because Tobias yelled at her and I feel sorry becuase she gave me warmth in my stomach and put my nose back in it's proper place.

Tobias tells me that it's not okay but I think it is. In this moment, for the first time in as long as I can remember, it is. "It'll be okay," I whisper into his shoulder, voice cracking as I try to form words my tongue no longer knows. My head has forgotten how to send ideas to my mouth. There's a blockage.

"It'll be okay," I repeat myself, and pull him closer, relief making my chest loosen. My body is sore and I am tired. But I know that for the first time I think I might actually believe the words I've used as a way to stay mostly sane.

It will really be okay now.

Tobias has found me.

Do not flinch because they will hurt you if you flinch. They want to scream at you, to make you afraid. Do not be afraid. Pretend Tobi is behind you, pretend every word is a dart and you are taking that poison for Tobi. Pretend that the words do not scare you and you are braver than you are. Pretend that you are not afraid. Pretend that pee is not running down your leg in fear. They want a reaction, that is why they scream at you. They want to see your fear. Do not give it to them. Do not let them see. Be strong. Be strong for Tobi. They are getting the iron biters, the long one, with the blunt hard bits that eat your limbs like they are teeth. They are going for your foot. Do not scream. Do not scream. Do n-

I flinch because his words are harsh and meant to hurt me and they do. I try to keep my gaze on him, unflinching and resolute. I narrow my brow to keep myself from blinking. Don't even blink because then they will hit you, remember last time? He does not scare me; he is my Tobias. He is my brother. He would never hurt me, never. I tell myself this, soft in my head, where they can't hear me. It is safe in here, my head. I can say what I like and they can't hear it, they can't punish me.

I don't like the way his face looks like that; angry and scary and not Tobias, more like the men. So I shift my gaze slightly over to the side. LOOK AT ME BOY,LOOK AT ME OR I'LL TEACH YOU WHAT REAL PAIN IS. I look at him without looking. My hands shake where they fell in my lap and I press down gently against my legs so that it isn't noticeable. They want to see your fear. Do not give it to them.

Tobias is yelling at me. It is because of what I said. I should not speak. Speaking is bad, it's dangerous. They hurt you if you speak. I learned that when they gave me a lash for every word I'd spoken since they'd caught me. I remind myself to lock my mouth up tight. I cut up the line that sends speech to my mouth. I have to remember; Don't speak; they will hurt you. Don't even breath. Be small. Play dead. They will leave you alone if you are dead. Chanty played dead and they cut out his tongue as a reward. He choked on his blood and died. Scratch that plan, make a new plan, don't play dead. You need to survive: why: because Tobias is going to find you: okay.

He says not to say that it will be okay anymore; nothing is okay. I don't understand. So far, everything is much better than it was before. There is a sky above me and there is warm in my belly that Curly put there for me. He says it is not okay but it is. There is no one hurting me. There is pain still but it is pain from yesterday; no fresh pain today. This is good. This is best. I don't understand.

Confusion drips down my forehead and into my eyes. I sit silent, watching, waiting. What does he mean. I don't know. I try to follow him but it is like there is blood in my ears. Hearing him is hard. The world is foggy around the edges. I am very tired. If they catch me sleeping they will kill me because now it is day. I am only allowed to sleep at night. Tobias does not know this rule. How will he know to help keep me awake. I am worried.

Tobias is the one shouting at me. The men are back below, in Hell. They will come for me in seven days they said, but that means I have six more. I am good at counting days. I keep a tally on the lower wall of my cell of how many days I was in hell. I forgot how to count. I don't know. There are many tally marks.

I don't like Tobi yelling at me.

I wish he would stop.

I stare at him as he yells. There is a vein in his forehead and it is poking out because he is mad. I want to tell him that I am sorry but I can't. My lips won't move. My body won't move. I should run away. I am not tied down. I am too afraid to run. When I am caught it will hurt. Don't even try running. Look what they did to Sam for running, they cut off her legs. Do you want that. No. I stay still.

Tobias won't hurt you. Tobias won't hurt you, he is not the men. It will be okay.

My fingers slip into my pocket to pet little Tobias who is squirming. It calms me down and I can pretend that I am not afraid better. I don't want Tobi to think I am afraid of him. His voice scares me but I am not afraid of my little brother who is strong and good and worth everything to me.

(I tell him with my eyes in case he forgot.)

He stops being scary and he shrinks like I do when I am hiding in from the men. (They find me anyway and they hurt me and it does not matter.) Curly and I watch as Tobi wraps himself in himself and he tries to hide from me. I sit still for a moment longer. My hands are shaking still and I am afraid. I put my hands into fists to stop them shaking but it does not work. Maybe if I bite them off then it will stop. I don't want Tobi to think he scared me. I don't want him to feel bad.

I scoot forwards and put my hands on the back of his head and I tip him forwards into me and I rock him back and forth.

I do not tell him that it will be okay. He does not like it.

I press my forehead against his and I smile at him with my eyes.

I love you I tell him. I need you and you are worth everything to me. You are everything I have. I lived because I wanted to see you again.

I love you I love you.

My Tobias.

I do not open my mouth.

I can not speak.